Seeing the heart is barbaric

August 2016, 8, Thursday, sunny

Internship starts today.

People around me say that I am lucky, after all, the Jingshi I joined is a well-known company both at home and abroad.

Indeed, being able to join this company is already too lucky for me.

But the luck I think has nothing to do with the quality of this company, I just think that I am the luckiest to meet Yan Shen here again.

Since the end of the college entrance examination, Yan Shen and I have not been in touch with each other tacitly. After all, we did not go to the same university. Although we are in the same city, one is in the east and the other is in the west. It is indeed not close.

The most important thing is that I am afraid that if I continue to contact him, it will expose my love for him that I have hidden for many years.

He's probably straight.I've never heard of him liking men.So I was always just one of his friends.

August 2016, 8, Friday, sunny

He smiled at me this morning.

He greeted me at noon today.

I also spoke to him this afternoon.

We talked about the words we left for each other's classmates when we graduated three years ago, the encouragement we gave each other before entering the examination room three years ago, and the good night we left each other on Penguin during the last review three years ago.

I was still worried about whether the purpose of talking rashly would be too obvious.

He and I, apart from being interns together, also have a stable relationship that won't make reunion embarrassing—old classmates.I am simply the darling of Lady Luck.

I am looking forward to the next relationship.

It seems that this time, I look forward to every tomorrow where I can see him more than a few years ago.

……

Tuesday, August 2016, 8, cloudy

Yan Shen has not changed, he is still the same as three years ago, he still takes things seriously, and he is still cute when he smiles.

How can there be such a person who can make me like him for so long?

How can there be such a person who can make me miss him like a day for six years?

From the first acquaintance in the first year of high school to today, many years later, it was the first time in the last three years that I came into contact with him again, but I can still feel the throbbing of that year.

Love at first sight, never tired of being with each other for a long time.

I'm probably down.

I'm probably already down.

I've probably fallen too deep.

My downfall probably started when I saw him for the first time.

……

August 2016, 8, Monday, light rain

I had a stomachache again today, but I was too embarrassed to ask for leave, so I had to wait until after work to take a taxi to the hospital.

The doctor said that my gastric ulcer had recurred and was very serious. He also said that if I didn't cooperate with the treatment, the condition might keep getting worse, and the consequences would be disastrous.

Net bullshit.

The doctor told me not to eat spicy food, not to eat irritating food, to smoke less, to drink less, and to try to eat pasta as the main food.

How many times have I heard this, I'm tired of hearing it.

It’s fine if I’m not allowed to eat irritating food, but what’s the matter if I’m not allowed to smoke?I am not pneumonia.

The more I think about it, the more I feel that the doctor is unreliable. I plan not to come to the hospital in the future. Anyway, the doctor said the same thing every time. I just have gastritis. What can happen?I just prepare some stomach medicine.

……

September 2016, 9, Saturday, sunny

Today I took Yan Shen to our school to watch a basketball game of the juniors.

He said that he felt that the me in the past was much better than the current students.

I was so praised by him that my tail was going up to the sky, but on the surface I was still calm, I only sighed.

I said, I am old and can't run anymore.

He burst into laughter.

Watching the "MVP of the audience" being cheered by a group of school girls, I suddenly remembered the past.

Apart from Yan Shen, my favorite thing at that time was playing basketball. Every time I had a good time, there were many girls waiting for me with water and towels, which made me feel like I was choosing a concubine.

But among so many people, I can always only see one Yan Shen, because Yan Shen is different from them.

They like me, they are too ordinary.

I like Yan Shen, but Yan Shen is different.

……

Monday, October 2016, 10, showers

I happened to see something called Dreamcatcher on Weibo this morning.

I wasn't interested in this kind of stuff that girls like, but just as I was scrolling down, I suddenly remembered that Yan Shen's birthday was coming up.

Although I bought a game controller a few days ago and planned to give it to him on his birthday, it always feels thin.After all, the game controller is bought, but the dream catcher has to be made by oneself.

What you do is what you want.

So I bought some materials this afternoon and started making this dream catcher.

It is said on the Internet that the dream catcher can filter out the nightmares and leave only the good dreams.

The encyclopedia said that only good dreams can pass through the hole, and bad dreams will be trapped in the net and disappear with the sunshine of the next day.

……

August 2016, 11, Thursday, sunny

Yan Shen came to me after get off work today, and said that he forgot to bring the key today, and the spare key is with his brother, and his brother will come back tomorrow, so he asked me if he could come to my house for a night.

Of course I agreed without even thinking about it.

He said he would cook me a meal as a thank you.

I haven’t had his meal for a long time. The last time was a sophomore in high school. I had a fever and no one took care of me. He heard about my home address and rushed over as soon as school was over. He made me a meal, although it was not delicacies from mountains and seas. , but in my mouth it is no different from it.

Now, his craftsmanship has improved to an unknown level.

I said, your girlfriend must be very happy.

He said he doesn't have a girlfriend yet.

I am so jealous that I have no position, but I am extremely happy to hear his answer.

……

Wednesday, November 2016, 11, cloudy

Today is Yan Shen's birthday, I gave him a game controller, and I also gave him a dream catcher in the name of another intern, Xiao Hei.

To be honest, I don't really want Yan Shen to know that I sent the dream catcher.

Maybe it's nothing strange to give two gifts among friends, but my guilty conscience is that I can't see him as a friend.

He is someone I have loved with all my heart and soul for more than six years, even though he only considers me a friend.

In case he teases me with this, in case he really has doubts, in case he will be keenly aware of my "strangeness".

These scenarios are fatal to me.

Because to put it bluntly, I will have nothing.

I don't want to tell him.

……

November 2016, 11, Sunday, sunny

I had a stomachache yesterday, and I lay at home clutching my stomach for a whole day.

Today is not as painful as yesterday, but still uncomfortable.

I had promised to go to Yan Shen's house today, but I couldn't get my spirits up, so I found a plausible reason and told him I couldn't go.

God knows how much I want to go!

But I think, I like him so much, I must meet him with the best appearance, no matter which meeting, I will let him see the best of me.

I don't want him to see me grinning in pain like this, otherwise the impression points will drop a lot.

At this moment, my greatest wish is to be by his side all the time, even as a friend, to let him gradually get used to my existence until he can never leave me again.

In this way, I am quite selfish.

……

November 2016, 12, Sunday, sunny

Went to the movies with Yan Shen today.

I also went to the game hall with him.

Finally went to the Internet cafe.

I've been playing with him all day and I'm having fun.

Every day with him is good, because he is the best.

It was early morning when I got home.

It's more than three o'clock in the morning now.

I am still writing a diary at such a late hour, and I am really struggling.

If one day, Yan Shen sees my diary, will he think I'm weird? ?

After all... In this diary of mine, almost every page has his name on it.

……

December 2016, 12, Sunday, Xiaoxue

As a Chinese, I think everything is good in my big China, the economy is developing rapidly, the political situation is stable, the foreign policy is peaceful, and the ideology and culture are prosperous.

It would be even better if we could legally take Christmas off!

But I just want to rest for a few more days, and I have no dissatisfaction with my big China... These are the things I want to say most in previous years.

But this year is okay, because Christmas just happens to catch up with Sunday.

The most important thing to do in this kind of day is to call Yan Shen out to play together.

I made an appointment with Yan Shen.

I ate supper with him that was bigger than dinner, I squeezed with him on the pedestrian street where only people's heads could be seen, and I watched the rare white Christmas Eve snow scene with him.

I spent this romantic evening with him.

Although maybe this romance only belongs to me, although maybe he doesn't feel it.

……

Friday, January 2017, 1, Xiaoxue

New Year's Eve today.

I thought this year would be the same as previous years, I celebrated the New Year by myself.

Until just now, at eight o'clock, Yan Shen called me and invited me to his house to celebrate the New Year.

He also remembered that there was no one else in my family.

I cut off contact with my parents, but I actually did it myself - I told my parents that I liked men before Yan Shen and I even had a word.

I still remember the unbelievable expression of my parents at that time.After I was really sure, I kicked me out of the house with a look of hatred.

At first they really ignored me, as if I was gone.

Later, I was probably a little worried, and started to transfer money to my card quietly. After another two years, I often contacted them during the Chinese New Year.

Although they kept silent about what happened back then, I also know that they probably accepted it, although they were a little reluctant.

Stop writing, go to Yan Shen's house to celebrate the New Year!

……

Thursday, February 2017, 2, Xiaoxue

I had dinner with Yan Shen yesterday.

In the evening, he also called me and said he wanted to drink.

If you like someone, you will probably be like me. A phone call or a word from him can make me willingly run over regardless of the pain.

Even though I know that with alcohol, my stomach hurts enough to make me want to bang my head against the wall.

He told me from the very beginning not to drink, just to be with him.

But I said, my stomach is healed, and I don't feel any pain recently.

I drank with him until midnight.

He asked me for a hug, for a sense of security, for the warmth in my arms, and I responded to every request.

This is the person I put on the top of my heart, and I can satisfy what he asks, even if I am just his friend, even if this kind of intimacy is only limited to drunkenness.

……

September 2017, 4, Saturday, sunny

Today is April Fool's Day.

When we were students, we would always make all kinds of childish but silly and cute jokes.

The teacher is here.

Your shoelaces are untied.

The teacher asked you to go to the office.

So who said they like you? !

In the past, we clearly knew that others might be joking, but in order to prevent any accidents, we always had to trust others. Later, we found out that we were cheated and could only end with harmonious laughter and scolding.

In fact, the fun of April Fool's Day lies in this.

Today, Yan Shen called to say that he was robbed, I thought he was joking.

It wasn't until he knocked on my door dejectedly, and I saw the red corners of his eyes, that I knew that he was really robbed.

He is different from me as a playwright, he never knows how to act.

I hurriedly checked his body, carefully watching whether he had been injured.

Those clothes are a fucking eyesore!

Fortunately, he was not injured, but lost his wallet.

I comforted him and called the police for him.

November 2017, 4, Sunday, sunny

The police contacted me today and said they found the wallet and nothing was missing.

I heard that the robber was caught before he could spend the money.

How much should I live.

Yan Shen was so happy that he found it again.

I asked him, is there a lot of things in this wallet?

He said that there was not much cash in it, and the cards needed passwords, and the ID card was just taken out two days ago to handle errands.

I asked, why do I like this wallet so much.

He said there was something very, very important in it.

At night, I was separated from him by the network cable, and he had to surrender under my various offensives.

He told me he was the first note I passed to him.

I calculated the time, about six years ago.

I didn't dare to think too much about it, I only dared to tell myself that it was only because he thought it was funny.Because what was written on that note was a joke I copied from the Internet just to get acquainted with him.

Well, that's probably right.

……

November 2017, 4, Sunday, sunny

I don't know when it started, Yan Shen didn't blush as much as before.

In the past, when I teased him, he would blush, he was very shy, and he was so cute.

But why doesn't he like to blush now?

Except for drinking, I have no chance to see his flushed face.

Suddenly I remembered the time when I was in the third year of high school.

I made a joke to him as before, except that this time I had an extra mouth, pinching his face and pretending to dislike him seriously, he was too shy.

It dawned on me that he took my joke seriously.

I don't remember him ever caring about other people's opinions.But people always change.

But I don't know what position to use to clarify my original joke.

In fact, I love him in every way.

Especially the way I blushed because of one or two words I said.

……

Friday, June 2017, 6, showers

Saw a tweet today.

The blogger asked: "What do you think love should be like?"

The comments below have everything, some are lyrical, some are memories, some are funny, and some are advertising.

I just looked at it and didn't say anything.

In fact, I may not be able to describe what love is like.

But the taste of love, I do understand a little bit.

Love, when you haven't tasted it, you are full of expectations, thinking it is sweet, but after tasting it, you are not so disappointed, but you find it is bitter.

Especially unrequited love, coupled with a crush.

This kind of love is too cautious, and I don't dare to let it see the light of day. As time goes by, it was originally sweet, and it began to become bitterer day by day in the corner.

I thought it had no effect on me, but it took root and sprouted and thrived in my heart inch by inch, unconsciously.

Then it was ground into a sharp needle bit by bit, piercing my heart one by one, paralyzing me and causing me pain.

……

July 2017, 7, Wednesday, sunny

It was my birthday today, Yan Shen took me to his house for dinner, he made me delicious food, and bought me a VR game console that I fancy a few days ago.

Little local tyrant Shen is online!

He found a job after his internship before, and the salary was good and the salary was not low.

I really like this VR.He always knew what I liked, he always knew me so well.

He and I know each other best.It is said that love should not be the last thing in such a relationship, and because of too much understanding, it loses the freshness that is indispensable in love.

I still can't help liking him, even if I know everything about him, I still like him very much, I like him, not for novelty.

But he is good everywhere, but he has no chance to grow old.

……

Friday, September 2017, 9, cloudy

Yan Shen was on a business trip, and I was also hospitalized.

I just think that if I don't go to the hospital, I may die of pain here.

The medical certificate given to me by the hospital left me in a daze.

The doctor said that he had never seen someone who came to the hospital after developing a disease like me.

The doctor said that I was the most painful patient he had ever seen.

The doctor also said that my condition is too serious now, and unless a miracle happens, there is little chance of recovery.

I just felt like my world was falling apart.

I'm not a life-saving person, otherwise I wouldn't come to the hospital because of the pain.

But after hearing the news that I may not live long, I still can't help being sad.

I can see that Yan Shen's life is not much left, right?

I have no future with him, and it is impossible to have one in this life, right?

I may not have a long time to see him laugh, see him cry, see him make a fuss, right?

I don't even have much time to be his friend, do I?

Suddenly, I felt a little regretful, why I failed to cooperate with the treatment at that time, why I allowed myself to smoke and drink and connive at the accelerated deterioration of the disease.Otherwise, the time I can see Yan Shen may be much, much longer...

September 2017, 9, Saturday, cloudy

Yan Qing came to see me today, and started cursing as soon as he came up.

"You idiot! You are so stupid that you are a fucking god! If I didn't see you sick, I would definitely beat you to death!"

I waited until he finished cursing to hear the text.

After listening, I couldn't help laughing.

Laughed at.

Yan Shen couldn't be more cowardly.

It turned out that the guy already liked me.

Suddenly realizing something, I put away my smile.

I'm like, pretty cowardly too.

Why did Yan Shen keep silent?

Yan Qing told me that Yan Shen knew that I was a straight man, so he never dared to confess.

I asked, why now let me know.

Yan Qing said that Yan Shen didn't know about the situation at the moment, and it was Yan Qing who came to talk because he couldn't stand it anymore.

I did not speak again.

It turned out that everyone around could see it, only Yan Shen and I were kept in the dark by each other.

Yan Qing asked cautiously, can you try to accept Yan Shen?

I said, I will not accept him, not even to the point of death.

Yan Qing didn't force him, he just said that he was the one who was abrupt, knowing that I was a straight man and still asking this kind of question, and he also said that he hoped that I would not hate Yan Shen because of this kind of thing.

Are these brothers trying to get mad at me?

I said, who said I was straight?

Yan Qing was surprised.

I said, just because I like Yan Shen so much, I can't accept him.

Sunday, September 2017, 9, cloudy

At first I was still curious why Yan Qing knew that I was in this hospital. Only when he came today did I find out that Yan Qing’s girlfriend a while ago was a nurse in a ward upstairs. She happened to see me a few days ago, and she also happened to see me I have been to my photo in Yan Shen's room.

When I heard this, my first concern was that there was actually a photo of me in Yan Shen's room.

The old me can let him see the real me up close every day.

But neither of us confessed.

We missed our chance to be together.

And in the future, I can't be by his side.

This is the ruthlessness of time. It allows me to get to the truth, but does not give me a chance to recover.

What would those pictures be of me?

Will Yan Shen keep those photos in the future?

Maybe he will throw it away after a long time.

But I still hope that, in his heart, I have the charm that allows him to retrieve the lost photos of me.

Even if I'm really gone.

Monday, October 2017, 9, showers

Today Yan Qing came in with a dark face and said he was here to take care of me.

It turned out that Yan Shen heard from Yan Qing that I was hospitalized, so he entrusted him to take care of me.But Yan Shen never imagined that I would understand what he had kept from me for many years during the few days when he was not by my side.

Yan Qing still doesn't seem to know why I can't accept Yan Shen.

I hesitated for a while before handing over my medical certificate to Yan Qing.

Yan Qing was in disbelief when he saw it.

He said, you are still so young.

Yes, I am indeed too young.

I'm only 23, and I haven't fully enjoyed the feeling of being loved openly by Yan Shen.

In fact, in recent years, more people in their 20s have stomach cancer than before, and I am just one of many young stomach cancer patients.

Moreover, the deterioration of the condition to this point is also my own fault. Who told me not to take this seriously at the beginning.

I didn't say much.

Yan Qing didn't say much.

Tuesday, September 2017, 9, Thunderstorm

From yesterday to this afternoon, until Yan Shen hurried back to see me, Yan Qing didn't say much.He still seemed a little unacceptable.

Then Yan Shen might not be able to accept it.

Looking at Yan Shen's concerned eyes and his unconcealable, cautious and loving movements, I feel a little sad.

Why didn't I think about it then?

Seeing the cell phone that Yan Shen had never changed, and the SpongeBob cell phone case I gave him earlier, I seemed to have found the answer.

Probably because I, like Yan Shen, thought that the other party only regarded me as a friend, and I didn't have confidence in my position in the other party's mind.

We have a tacit understanding, a tacit understanding that makes people feel distressed.This is what Yan Qing said.

Yan Shen asked about my condition, I was at a loss, and finally told Yan Shen before Yan Qing that it was just a gastric ulcer, don't worry.

Yan Shen joked, saying, whoever worries about you, die.

When the day he really finds out that I'm dead, will he remember this casual joke?

……

August 2017, 9, Friday, sunny

This afternoon, Yan Shen called me and asked me if I was okay.

I happily told him that I was discharged from the hospital, so there is no need to worry about me, and I told him to hang up the phone quickly, so as not to delay work.

Otherwise, he would know about my stomach cancer.

Actually, I changed a hospital yesterday to avoid Yan Qing's girlfriend.

If it were me in the past, after knowing that Yan Shen likes me, I would have been with him a few days ago, right?

After all, I had thought so ardently of having him to myself.

In fact, now, the desire to possess him has not changed, but the possessive desire that belongs to youth and frivolity is less.

Now, even if I am really with him, I can't accompany him through the decades of future that both he and I want to be together.

Thankfully I was able to see through this so early.

I'm starting to be glad I didn't have him.

It was my stomach that hurts so much that I have no friends. Sometimes, losing is more solid than having.

……

September 2017, 9, Monday, sunny

Today I happened to watch a particularly bloody TV series.

The plot is probably that the male and female protagonists have to separate due to some misunderstandings, and the male protagonist said something special.

"I'd rather you hate me than I want you to forget me, even in a way that doesn't benefit me."

At first I thought it was nonsense.

If it were Yan Shen and I, there would definitely not be such a bloody misunderstanding and such an indescribable plot design.

If I can be loved by Yan Shen for a while, there is no need for me not to enjoy it and find abuse for myself, right?Maybe there will be no chance in the future.

But in fact, if you think about it carefully, if some assumptions are true-I knew that he liked me and was with him before the gastric cancer was detected, then when the gastric cancer was detected, I might also use that bloody way to make him Hate me before leaving.

Because after hating, losing makes people happy.

Because loving and losing tortures the heart.

……

Wednesday, November 2017, 9, cloudy

Today, I made a rare phone call to my parents, told them my many troubles, and confided to them my long-time longing.

Maybe they also feel that something is wrong. My son has always been incompetent in what he has done. He has never contacted them since the previous incident, let alone being so hypocritical to them.

I apologized and said I shouldn't have come out to them without considering their feelings.

They thought I was going "back on track".

I didn't refute them, but I know best that if I do it again, I will still choose to come out, but I will prepare the groundwork in advance instead of being so impulsive, and the person who can make me come out will still be Yan Shen .

They asked me what the hell was going on, why was it so weird today.

I said very calmly, Dad, Mom, I have stomach cancer, and now it is in the advanced stage, so I may not have much time to be filial to my parents.

There was an instant silence on the phone.

If it weren't for the breathing and sobbing coming through the earpiece, I'd almost think the call was over.

They said they would come to pick me up and go back to the M city where I lived with them when I was a child—my hometown.

I said, wait a few more days.

Because I know that if I go to M City this time, I will never have a chance to come back until I die.

……

September 2017, 9, Tuesday, light rain

My parents came to see me yesterday, and they helped me book a ticket to M City tomorrow.

I was still hesitant, whether to tell Yan Shen or not.

After thinking about it, forget it.

Why bother?

I had already made up my mind not to look for him or see him, but probably because I was emboldened by drinking, I endured severe pain in the corner of the bar and dialed his number.

After he rushed over, he scolded me from the first sentence, just like his brother.

He scolded me, not long after my stomach problem recovered, why did I come here to drink without knowing my life or death.

He scolded me, not knowing that this would worry the people around him.

He scolded me, never cared about his body, and didn't listen to anything he said.

I was scolded, but also happy.

He took me back to his house.

I felt the touch of him rubbing my body, but I didn't dare to move.

I grabbed him and didn't want to let go.

He asked me to let go, and I asked for a kiss.

He probably thought I was joking, but I was really serious this time. My request for a kiss and that reminder came from the bottom of my heart.

Last night, really, was a last chance.

He let go of this opportunity with his own hands, and I also lost this opportunity before my eyes.

We are going to be strangers after all.

It's about to check in, and I'm leaving here.

……

Friday, June 2017, 9, showers

Today, my parents arranged for me to stay in the hospital, and arranged for me a ward with a good environment, so that I can rest assured.

They told me they had long since stopped being angry.

Hold on, they say, don't go.

For the first time, I felt the vulnerability from my parents so deeply.

After my charged phone came back from super power-saving standby mode, there was a constant bombardment of text messages and incoming calls.

There are a few calls from Yan Qing, and the rest are from Yan Shen.

I disappeared from them for three days and they found me missing.

Yan Qing sent a text message asking me where I was and what happened.

The phone was still ringing.

I answered, but I didn't speak.

Yan Shen probably didn't expect that I would pick it up at first, but after realizing it, he talked about a few interesting people and things he met as if nothing happened.

Later, he asked me a few words with rare coquettishness, and I answered him with silence.

He sighed, not as happy as he had pretended at first.

He started to complain to me about my brother who was too busy to go to heaven, and told me about the distress of not being with me. He started to sniff his nose while talking.

I could hear him wanting to cry.

I said in a hoarse voice, fool, how can you talk like that, chatter.

He smiled.

September 2017, 9, Saturday, cloudy

Yan Shen seemed to be motivated by yesterday's call, and he still persisted in calling me today.

He said everything on the phone except the confession I had never heard before.

How many years have I waited for that sentence, and he refused to give it to me until the end.

But he wasn't wrong, he didn't know it yet.

And even if I hear it, so what?

I am still his best listener, just like me who was the listener to him when no one was playing with him in the first year of high school.

I accept his laughing, cursing, capriciousness, and coquettishness one by one, and store them in my heart so that I can embrace them and leave.

I tried my best to wipe away his tears, pain, and sadness, but after I left, I hoped that they would not come to him again.

……

October 2017, 10, Tuesday, sunny

Yan Shen calls me every day.

Sometimes he would ask me where I was, and I would tell him that I was traveling with my parents.

Sometimes he would ask me when I would go back, and I would tell him to wait for me to stay with them for a few more days.

He sometimes said that he wanted to raise a pet for advice, and I would tell him that I like Erha like him.

The conversation between us became more and more dull, more warm, but without my dark feelings.

If it had been before, I would have teased him again and again according to my own will, and then continued to be my friend who didn't know anything.

But now, I clearly know his intentions, but I don't dare to act rashly, just to leave less traces of me on him.

……

Friday, September 2017, 10, cloudy

When I was in school, I thought that there was nothing more difficult than studying. Now I know that I was actually very happy at that time. Among other things, I was able to see Yan Shen every day at that time.

But the reason why memories are beautiful is because no one can go back.

The days of fighting illness are much more difficult than studying.

Every time the pain was unbearable, I gritted my teeth and survived the image of Yan Shen in my mind.

I tried my best to live a few more days-this period of time was probably the first time I was so desperate for my life.

Every day I live, I can think about him one more day, and before I die, I can engrave his name more deeply into my bones and blood.

……

September 2017, 10, Monday, sunny

I swiped through the circle of friends that I haven't seen for a long time, and the first one I refreshed was posted by Yan Shen, and it was posted 2 minutes ago.

He wrote: "Look at this world, it's crowded with people and bustling all the time. I'm just a bunch of colorful lights, and I can't leave the strongest color in your world. To be friends with you is to exhaust my life's luck. It’s a great fortune, I dare not ask for more.”

I wanted to reply to him, but after I typed so many words, I deleted them one by one.

What I originally wrote was: Look around you, people come and go, no longer deserted, I am just one of the passers-by, don't ask to leave indelible traces in your world, only hope that when I leave, You still treat me as before.I have not lived in vain in my life.

He always thought that I didn't have the habit of looking at Moments.

……

October 2017, 10, Friday, cloudy

Yan Qing is a pig teammate.

Yan Qing said to keep it a secret, but he sent me a text message to tell me that Yan Shen heard what he said on the phone, "You obviously like my brother so much", and also knew that the person who liked him was me.

Alas, what a failure. Although it was a confession I didn't want to say, I shouldn't let Yan Shen know through others. It's the most romantic thing to say by myself.

If Yan Shen didn't know that I liked him, maybe he would have some regrets when he thought of me in the future, and gradually forget me.

But he who likes me knows that I like him too, but he can't do anything to me who is like me now, he will definitely suffer.

How uncomfortable is it to throw a hope that is not hope in a desperate dead end?

I can see that Yan Qing did it on purpose.

But Yan Qing thought too one-sidedly.He only wanted to let his younger brother know that his love was not in vain, but he failed to think about the trauma his younger brother would suffer in the future.

……

Sunday, September 2017, 10, cloudy

Ever since Yan Qing came out the day before yesterday, Yan Shen has been calling me non-stop.This is within my expectation, because I know Yan Shen's character very well.

I was mentally prepared after the day before yesterday.

I warned Yan Qing not to say any more, especially about my condition.

I know that there is nothing they can do now except call and send text messages, because even Yan Qing doesn't know where I am in which city.

what should I do now?

Is it really necessary for Yan Shen to hate me properly like a dog blood TV series?

Hopeless.GIF

……

August 2017, 10, Thursday, sunny

Getting tired.

I was so tired that I almost didn't even have the strength to hold a pen.

I am too tired to write in this diary.

I have persuaded my parents so many times, but they are not willing to give up on my treatment. They are always optimistic and pessimistic holding the last sliver of "hope", and they are still so persistent.

Today, I didn't open my mouth to say those useless persuasion.

They're already on the edge of a cliff, and I can't push them anymore.

I said, Dad, Mom, I love you.

They wept bitterly.

October 2017, 10, Friday, light rain

Maybe it's because I know that my life is counting down, and today I answered Yan Shen's never-ending snoring calls very selfishly.

I told myself, one last time.

The phone was connected, I didn't speak, and he was silent.

After a long time, he began to cry, and he began to beg me, begging me to say something to him, just one sentence.

I know, this time Yan Qing