Seeing the heart is barbaric

I stepped on the golden leaves of the ground step by step, and the sound of "creaking" under my feet was clear and pleasant.

This is on the way to meet you.

After this meeting, I will really cut off relations with you.I intend to do so.

But when I saw your face again now, I found that I couldn't bear it anymore.

How can I let you go like this?

A couple walked by me, they hugged each other tightly, looking very warm in this cold late autumn.

Winter is coming soon.

Will you still accompany me to keep warm?

"Why do you say you left without saying a word? You didn't even say hello to me." I complained softly, whether you could hear me or not, I said, "I thought you didn't consider me a friend anymore Woolen cloth."

"Friend", the word I am most unwilling to say to you, at this moment makes me feel relieved and regretful - although this relationship is not what I want, it is better than having nothing to do with you.

"I'm going abroad today. I'm going to fly this afternoon. I may not come back later. Would you like to see me more now?" I reached out and touched your cold face, "After today, you really don't have any Here's the chance."

-

It was already two o'clock in the morning when Yan Shen carried Qin Qi home.

This was the first time he saw Qin Qi so drunk.

Qin Quan is a good drinker, he has never been drunk like this before.

Yan Shen, who was carrying Qin Qi, listened to Qin Qi's ravings intermittently along the way, and it was still the same content - a confession to whom.

Every time Yan Shen heard it, he felt his heart was gouged out by a knife.But he cannot be angry, because he has no ground to be angry.

Because he is just Qin Qi's friend, that's all.

So Yan Shen could only hold back the thought of waking Qin Quan to question him, and silently helped him go to his bedroom.

When Yan Shen wiped Qin Quan's body and wanted to leave the bedroom, Qin Quan grabbed his wrist.He turned his head and looked at Qin Qi who was lying on the bed.

Qin Yu opened his eyes at some point.

"Where are you going?"

Listening to the confused question from the person in front of him, Yan Shen paused, and said, "Go and put the towel, and make you hangover soup by the way."

As Yan Shen said, he wanted to break Qin Quan's hand, but he didn't expect Qin Quan to hold his wrist even tighter.

"open."

"Do not."

"I'll be right back."

"Do not."

Yan Shen felt a little speechless about Qin Quan's unreasonable trouble after drinking, he sighed helplessly, and asked patiently: "How can I let go?"

Qin Quan squinted his eyes and thought for a while, then smiled innocently and said, "Kiss me."

Yan Shen stared at Qin Quan's face for a long while.

He didn't dare to take this kind of words seriously, he could only take these words as Qin Quan's outspokenness after drinking, or just like before, it was just a joke between friends.

After all, not every boy will fall in love with someone of the same sex in a different way like him.

Perhaps, Qin Qi would still find him disgusting after knowing about it.

Yan Shen swallowed the unbearable bitterness in his mouth, and said with difficulty: "Stop making trouble, let go."

This time Qin Quan obediently let go.

He seemed to have fallen asleep again.

It turned out that it was really just a joke - luckily Yan Shen didn't take it seriously.

Just when Yan Shen was about to step away from the bed, Qin Quan spoke again.This time he closed his eyes and his mouth was slurred, but Yan Shen could hear clearly.

"After today...you really have no chance..."

Originally, Yan Shen could still take this sentence as a joke, but for some reason, this sentence made Yan Shen feel flustered inexplicably.

It felt like the fine sand he held in his hand was leaking from his fingers little by little, no matter how hard he tried to grab it, it was of no avail.

Yan Shen looked at Qin Quan's face that was much thinner than before, and couldn't help feeling a little uneasy.

Although his skinny face was still handsome, it was a bit more haggard than it should have been. His face, which should have been healthy, was only pale and red at the moment.

Probably Qin Qi was just drunk and a little uncomfortable.

Qin Quan said that his stomach is healed.

The next day, Yan Shen sat by the bed and waited.Finally, when Qin Yuyou woke up, he stood up with a smile and said, "Go wash up, I'll prepare breakfast for you."

"What time is it?" Qin Quan asked after washing up.

"09:30."

Qin Tang drank the cup of warm water by the bed, got up in a hurry and said, "It's getting late, I have something to do, so I'm leaving first."

Yan Shen was stunned for a moment, and said, "Let's go after breakfast."

"Don't bother you."

-

"Until now, I still can't stop thinking about blaming myself. I know what I want, why did I pretend to be indifferent and send you out of my house with a smile, why can't I be as usual at that time?" The same thick-skinned, acting like a baby that you can't resist..." I sucked my sore nose, looked at your still bright eyes, and said, "Why... I was able to hold my breath back then, so I am willing to be by your side, to be the shitty friend I hate the most..."

What I poured into you is infinite patience and the deepest love, but what you left me is a parting that I can't even see from behind.

A yellow leaf fell.

I raised my hand and brushed away the fallen leaves that fell on your head for you.I put my hands back into the warm coat pockets.

At this moment, I am standing here like a puppy on the side of the road that no one pays attention to, standing in the cool breeze waiting for you to turn back, but you have no intention of turning back, let alone stop.

-

When Yan Shen came to the hospital, Qin Tang had already been hospitalized for four days.

Yan Shen's elder brother, Yan Qing, has been taking care of Qin Qi these few days, and he is in the ward at the moment.

"Brother, thank you. I have troubled you for the past two days."

"It's okay, you're quite tired from your business trip."

Yan Shen raised his head, looked at the person sitting on the bed, and then at the hanging bottle above his head.

"You deserve it, let you drink." Yan Shen frowned distressedly, "What did the doctor say?"

Qin Quan obviously didn't expect Yan Shen to ask this.Because he remembered that Yan Shen already knew that he had a bad stomach, so he thought Yan Shen would not ask more questions this time.

Yan Qing looked at Qin Yu's stunned expression, and wanted to speak for him, but before he could speak, Qin Yu had already spoken.

"The doctor said that the gastric ulcer has recurred, and you need to take good care of it for a few days. Just don't eat indiscriminately. He also said don't smoke or drink." Qin Quan smiled and said, "Don't you also know that this is an old problem. It's nothing serious. don’t worry."

Yan Qing frowned and wanted to speak when he heard Qin Quan's words, but when he thought of what Qin Quan had said to him before Yan Shen came, he hesitated to speak.

The scene of Yan Qing's hesitation happened behind Yan Shen, but Yan Shen couldn't see it.

Yan Shen pursed his lips pretending to be disgusted, but his brows finally relaxed.

"Whoever worries about you, go to death."

-

"Remember that Weibo I retweeted about Aite before?"

The microblog said: If all the jokes you usually make come true - such as "Dick exploded", "It's a fucking dog", "Your mother exploded"... the picture is so strong!

"At that time, I was thinking about those pictures because of that Weibo, and I laughed for a long time." I wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes and said, "You still said that my smile was too low, making it look like you It doesn't matter how high the laughing point is, but in the end, you still laughed because of a cold joke that I couldn't get the laughing point."

I miss you, the way you used to tell bad jokes to me when I was down, trying to make me laugh.

I miss you, the way you used to see me in a daze and ran over to talk to me and make trouble with me.

I miss you, think about you and think crazy.

"Before I came here, I went to the basketball court of your university. It was the basketball court you took me to last time.

"Seeing that basketball hoop, seeing those boys dribbling and running like you used to, I will inadvertently think of you.

"When you were in high school, you were very famous in our school and our district. Some people even said that a basketball team with you would never lose. Apart from your skills, what makes people want to commit crimes is your long legs and good looks. Every time When you play basketball, there are girls who are watching and cheering for you.

"At the end of each game, they all come up to bring you water and towels, and I, a boy, foolishly carry a bottle of drink and a towel in it.

"At that time, what made me feel most miraculous and destined was that you could always see me at a glance among so many people, and then reach out to take what was in my hand.

"At first I thought you were face-blind to those girls, or because I was of a different gender from those girls, so you could see me accurately every time. Then I realized that it was neither."

You have never been face-blind, and you have never felt that I am special because of a different gender from those girls.

It turns out that you are just because, I am me.

"I heard that many girls in your school often run into you at a nearby cold drink shop. I just asked for the way to the cold drink shop after I left the basketball court, and wanted to meet you.

"But when I got there, I remembered that you were waiting for me here. I actually forgot, so I rushed here immediately without stopping."

I really want to go to all the places you have been to, follow your footsteps, and recall every one of you who passed through those places.

Basketball courts, cold drink shops, Internet cafes, pizza shops, you have set foot in so many places, but I can only follow behind you who have long gone without a trace, carefully stepping on those footprints, wanting to get back from your past Find a sense of security in your pace.

I envy those people who passed you by. They obviously had such a happy moment, but they didn't know it.

What I want to do most now is to go back to the past, appear in the place where you once walked, and then have an intentional but unpretentious encounter with you, and then tell you all my thoughts at this moment as a joke.

I'm probably crazy.

I must have lost my mind.

I'm probably insane.

My madness probably started from the moment I met you.

"I'm crazily making out with you in my dreams every night. I'm very happy, at least I can see you again in my dreams."

-

A few days ago, it was Yan Shen's birthday.

Yan Shen received many blessings, including gifts from friends and red envelopes from colleagues.

If this situation was placed before the second year of high school, he would not be able to believe it.Because before that, he couldn't be so popular.

Speaking of which, it was also because of Qin Qi that he became so cheerful.

Among so many things, there are only two that impressed Yan Shen the most—the game controller given by Qin Qi, and the dream catcher given by Xiao Hei.

He was deeply impressed by the game controller because it was given to him by Qin Yuan; he was deeply impressed by the dream catcher because it was handed over to Yan Shen by Qin Yuan himself.

As long as it has even the slightest relationship with Qin Qi, Yan Shen unconsciously wants to remember it.

Yan Shen didn't know Xiao Hei very well, so Yan Shen felt it necessary to thank him.

"Huh? You didn't give me anything?"

Xiao Hei answered affirmatively on the other end of the phone, and then said, "Actually, I'm a little embarrassed to say it, I don't remember your birthday."

Yan Shen apologized for the interruption, and hung up the phone after a few pleasantries.

That's right, just thinking about it, I feel that Xiao Hei's muscular figure doesn't quite match with something like a dream catcher.

As a result, Yan Shen wanted to know who was so caring - that dream catcher didn't look like he bought it, but rather made it.

There are more friends around him than before, but there are very few people who are truly heart-to-heart like Qin Tong. If you exclude the past one by one, only Qin Tong is really left.

There is an answer that is ready to come out clamoring in the bottom of my heart.

Is it Qin Yu...is it Qin Yu?

But why didn't he say it?

Oh, he got it, maybe Qin Qi also thought that the dream catcher was too girly.

But since the person who sent it didn't want to talk about it, then he, Yan Shen, could just play stupid with that person.

Yan Shen stared at the exquisite dream catcher in his hand, and what appeared in front of his eyes was the image of that person carefully weaving the dream catcher.

After a while, he raised the corners of his lips and smiled slightly.

-

I take my phone out of my pocket and shake the back of it at you to show you my case.I smiled at you like a reward: "Look, I still use this phone case. In order not to change it, I haven't changed my phone for more than a year."

This is the phone case you threw to me a year ago.

At that time, you said that what you wanted to buy was an Iphone7Plus mobile phone case, but a certain treasure seller sent the wrong product and sent it an Iphone7, so you can only give me this mobile phone case.

I accepted it without saying anything.

The mobile phone model I was using at that time was Iphone7.The pattern on the phone case is my favorite, SpongeBob SquarePants, which you always hate.

On the one hand, I tested myself and asked myself, is it possible that you bought this for me specially, and on the other hand, I denied my own thoughts and told myself that you might just suddenly discover the cuteness of SpongeBob SquarePants.

I also warned myself that it's just unrequited love, don't be passionate, don't get too deep.

"At that time, I knew better than anyone else that I was actually an out-and-out idiot. But later, I discovered... we may be very different.

"Why do you think I didn't find out earlier?"

How did I feel after hearing the news of your departure?

I just remember being extraordinarily strong at the time not letting the tears come out to embarrass me.

It dawned on me at that time—ah...it turns out that this person will also leave me one day.

When you saw me being bullied and isolated in the first year of high school, you told me that only those who are not strong enough cry.

I didn't know it at the time, but I didn't know until I grew up.

Real pain has never been embodied and expressed by tears.It is the sense of crisis that I feel when I am afraid that I cannot see you, and it is the loss that I can only look at you but can't do anything about.It is the fear that goes deep into my heart, the despair that is carved into my bones.

No matter how much pain I suffered, it was all caused by me. Who made me fall in love with you desperately at that time.

"Later, you didn't hear from me. I thought you didn't want to see me anymore. I made up my mind angrily and told myself time and time again that I should have forgotten you long ago.

"For this reason, I threw away that childish and cute phone case, threw away the same gamepad as yours, and threw away the dream catcher that always magically made me dream of you. But... These actions are of no use at all.

"I intended to throw away everything that reminded me of you, but if I really wanted to, the most important thing I should throw away was myself.

"So, I squatted back to the trash can in embarrassment, and picked up those things that 'have you' one by one."

After that, I thought, if you don’t see me, then I’ll look for you, and I’ll search all over the world.After I found you, I will never let you go again. No matter what reason or method I use, I will never let you leave me even half a step. Hold on to your feelings.

I hung the dream catcher back in front of the window again, and after that I saw you every night in my dreams, and you always said, you miss me.

Obviously every night I can clearly see your smiling face, but every time I wake up, I only lie on the pillow wet with tears, and I am the only one on the bed.

I hate myself for being like this. I regret it but am at a loss, and all the regrets are too pale.

"At that time, I was angry when I saw your photos all over the room. I didn't know why I was angry." I laughed at myself, licked my dry lips, and said, "So I put away all the photos of you in my house. But since then, only the back of you in my dream is left to me, and I can no longer see your beautiful smiling face.

"When I woke up, I always felt that if this continued, I would forget your face, so I immediately turned over and got out of bed, and silently put those photos back one by one.

"Actually, I know best myself, I can't forget you for a long time.

"I'm afraid of forgetting you, but I just made an excuse for myself because I couldn't bear to let myself not see you.

"How ridiculous..."

-

"Hey."

"Qin Qi."

"what happened?"

"I……"

"Ok?"

Yan Shen forcibly swallowed the "I miss you" that almost blurted out, and then spoke again, but the content of the words was completely different from the original intention.

"I want to drink."

After finishing speaking, Yan Shen regretted it.

He clearly knew that Qin Qi couldn't drink, so why did he still say such things?Why speak without brain at all?

Just when Yan Shen was about to say that he was talking nonsense, Qin Quan said, "Wait for me at home."

After speaking, he hung up the phone, not giving Yan Shen a chance to say more.

Yan Shen looked up at the watch hanging above the TV that had never been turned on—23:58.

Yan Shen was still a little happy, because Qin Quan was willing to rush over at such a late hour because of his words.

In less than half an hour, Qin Yu knocked on the door.

Yan Shen stopped Qin Quan from holding the wine bottle at first, but Qin Quan told him that his stomach problem had been healed long ago.

That night, the two of them wiped out more than a dozen bottles of wine, and Yan Shen was so dazed that he didn't even notice Qin Quan's paler and paler face, and the cold sweat he was breaking out more and more.

Later, Yan Shen fell asleep holding the wine bottle.Not long after, Yan Shen tried to wake himself up, and when he opened his eyes, he found that Qin Qi was helping him clean up the coffee table that the two of them had messed up while drinking.

Yan Shen rubbed against Qin Tang's side little by little, and hugged Qin Tang's arm with the strength of the wine now.

Reluctant to let go.

Feeling the face that was gently rubbed against his arm twice, Qin Tang let go of the wet towel that was wiping the tea table in his hand, raised his hand and rubbed Yan Shen's soft hair, and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I...I feel bad." Yan Shen pouted aggrievedly, looked at Qin Quan's face with big wet eyes, and said, "I seem to... drank a little too much."

Qin Tang looked down at Yan Shen's flushed cheeks, and shook his head helplessly. His eyes and lips were full of unconcealable smiles.

"Go and lie on the sofa for a while, I'll finish cleaning right away." Qin Quan rubbed Yan Shen's hair, "Good boy."

"I don't...I want you to hug me..."

Yan Shen didn't know whether he was really drunk or pretended to be drunk because he was clearly conscious. He only knew that Qin Quan had said that he liked seeing him acting like a baby, and he also knew that he was not so drunk that he could not be cured.

Qin Quan said that he thought he was cute acting like a baby.

Qin Quan also said that the acting like a baby is only allowed to be shown to him.

In the early hours of the morning, when Yan Shen got up to go to the bathroom, he found that the switch at home had tripped, and the light beside his bed was dimmed.

He fumbled to go to the bathroom in the dark, returned to his room unhurriedly, picked up his pillow, and went to the door of the guest room under the moonlight of the living room.He gently pushed the door open, and saw that in the darkness, there was still a glimmer of light from the dimmed mobile phone on the bed.

Qin Qi was still asleep.

When Yan Shen came to the bed, Qin Quan turned to look at him after hearing footsteps: "Why are you up?"

"I got up to go to the bathroom...the power went out, and the night light in my room was off. You know...I'm afraid of the dark."

Yan Shen successfully used this reason to lie down beside Qin Quan's pillow as he wished.

Probably because the lingering drunkenness had not completely dissipated, Yan Shen boldly retreated into Qin Quan's arms.

"Ok?"

Qin Quan uttered a questioning particle, but stretched out his arms, hugging Yan Shen's body tightly.

In the darkness, Yan Shen could still find Qin Quan's bright and penetrating eyes.He chuckled, buried his face in Qin Yu's chest and rubbed it, and said, "It's a bit cold in the room, we can keep warm like this, as there's no electricity yet, so we can't turn on the air conditioner."

Qin Tang didn't say anything, just smiled, tightened his arms holding Yan Shen, and gradually fell asleep with Yan Shen.

It was winter and the heating was adequate.

That night, the room was 23°C.

-

"It's funny when you think about it. The only reason we two dared to get close to each other was because of drinking." I laughed, "It's kind of a tacit understanding, right?"

I myself have said so many words here, but you in front of me have never said a word from the beginning to the end.If it was before, I would definitely be angry and wait for you to coax me.

But it's different now, I can't get angry at all, instead I'm still expecting you to reply me by saying a few more words.

I know, in fact, you just want to hear a few words from me before I go, right?

I just take it as if I guessed right.

"But now, if I find any reason, you won't come back to me."

I want to say, Qin Qi, you are so cruel.

But I can't say it.

"But I'm also very fortunate. Although there are not many, you have indeed left me with some good memories. Just relying on this little memory, it is enough for me to linger on for several years."

I lowered my head and looked at the matte-covered book in my hand.I rubbed the cover with my thumb a few times, as if I could still feel the residual warmth you left behind.

"I really want to put you in my pocket, take you with me wherever I go, and show you off to everyone, saying it belongs to my family."

Thinking of the way you smiled and said such things to me before, I couldn't help showing a wry smile.

"I used to be blushed in front of you countless times by your jokes that I didn't dare to take seriously. Until one time, you pinched my face and said solemnly that I blushed too easily.

"I didn't know at the time that your seriousness was a joke. I thought you probably didn't like me like this, so I started to learn to be thick-skinned. That's why I only dared to blush at you after I was drunk.

"I thought my changes would be quiet, but I didn't expect you to notice it."

Even my wry smile gradually disappeared, because I knew that I must be laughing uglier than crying now.

"My brother asked me before, is it worth it?

"At that time, I thought this relationship was just my unrequited love, but I didn't hesitate at the time.

"I said, it's worth it."

Later, I learned the name of the person you like.

It turned out that the person I cared about and envied the most was myself.

After knowing it, I couldn't help laughing.

Laughed at.

So, if you like me, why didn't you say it earlier?Well now, I know, it's too late.

Back then, I was so excited to win the unrequited love race, but it always felt like something was missing.I turned around and found out that it turned out that I lost the finish line named Qin Qi who was supposed to hug me at the finish line.

I didn't realize it until after that - I actually won the game long ago.

Moreover, they won at the starting line.

However, no matter it is the beginning or the end, even if I come to this end, this unrequited love is only a one-man show of mine after all.

A one-man show with only me left.

"A few days ago, my brother asked me, do you regret it?

"What a familiar question. But I still think that there is no need to hesitate about all the questions about you, so I told my brother that I don't regret it."

I have never regretted it, because I came prepared.

I will not regret it, because you are my only one.

Now that I know that you once loved me no less than me during the time when I could only see you, then I have no reason to regret it.

What's more, the moment I set foot on this road, I already understood that this road of no return will not leave me room to retreat.

"~~~"

The cell phone I had in my coat pocket rang.

Does this ringtone sound familiar to you?

This is one of your favorite songs and one of your must-order songs every time you go to KTV.

Our love is just right here.

No more, no less, can be forgotten.

I should be able to take care of myself.

Our distance is just right here.

If it is not enough for us to hug, it will not be redeemed.

Those who have loved hard should not care about it.

"Hey, brother."

"Hey, Xiao Shen, are you still there?"

"Ah."

"If you don't start, you will miss the flight. You should hurry up."

"Well... I'll say goodbye to him right away."

The brother on the other end of the phone was silent for a while, and then spoke with a little difficulty, as if holding back something.He said: "If you miss him, you can come back anytime, and I can pick you up."

I looked at your pretty smile in front of me, but there was only an unattractive arc on the corner of your mouth: "I won't come back in the future."

The brother on the other side of the phone didn't speak for a long time.So I went on to say: "Give me another 5 minutes, you wait for me a little longer."

After finishing speaking, I didn't care whether my brother responded or not, and hung up the phone directly.

I can't waste any more time that would take up talking to you.

I really hope that our love is really just right, there is really not much left, and I can really forget it, and I also want to take good care of myself.

I really hope that the distance between us was just right, that we can really let go, and there is really no need to restore it, and I don't want to care about this frustrated ending.

"I'm sorry to read your diary privately, but don't hate me just because of it." I squatted down in front of you, and gently put the corner of the book in my hand that was warmed by me at your feet , I said, "Now, I give you back the diary."

I inhaled my nose, which was soaked in the coldness of late autumn.For some reason, I feel like crying when I look at you.

"Qin Yu, look, I have returned the diary to you, shouldn't you also return it to the original owner, and return all the love I gave you before?

"Blame me for being too stupid before, for giving you all my love without reservation. But without this love, I would never love others at all. There are some things that I will only do once in my life. Remember the method again. Tell me now, how should I love someone?"

I know that you won't answer me even a word or a word, but I am chattering at you in a self-indulgent way.

"Forget it." I sighed pretending to be relaxed, and squeezed out the best smile with my last strength, "There's no reason to send something back and get it back, I was just joking. Those limited quantities Treat it as a parting gift from me to you."

I raised my hand and stroked the marble tombstone with your bright smile on it. Looking at the photo, I still couldn't hold back my tears.

I leaned over and pressed a deep kiss on your cheek in that temperatureless photo.

This cold kiss will cut off my youth with you, all my past with you, and the you I love the most.

In the end, I will turn around resolutely and run against you who is sleeping here forever, and I will never look back again—just like you who did not look back when I left.

As for the remaining stubborn and hard-to-clear memories, let them fend for themselves in the long river of time. One day they will be covered with dust, one day they will give up struggling, one day they will forget me, and one day they will never forget me. One day, I will regain the ability to love someone. I only hope that that person is no longer you.

From the most willing secret love and cherishing at the beginning to the most unwilling speechlessness and betrayal now, how much sadness and pain I have included in this, you will never know in the future.

On the contrary, from the heartbeat and longing that you didn't dare to speak at the beginning, to the last time you had to let go and stay away, it was full of your helplessness and sighs, and I used to be unaware of it.

Evened out.

Goodbye, my Qin Qi.

Farewell from now on, there will be no more period.