Tibetan love

Later, maybe because I was young and didn't understand it well, I gradually stopped thinking about that dream, but occasionally it would suddenly appear in my mind, but it just passed by in a flash, and I didn't pay much attention to it.

When I entered high school, I had to go to school in the city and live on campus.No. [-] Middle School is a key high school in our city, and it has been established for a long time.The school is also big, and there are many students, all of whom are top students from other places in the city.It was also because I was in high school that I came into contact with a word: "gay".How should I put it, I knew about homosexuality at the time because there was a couple in our school, or my deskmate told me about it.When he asked me if I knew there was a gay couple in the school, I was startled, but there was a dazed expression on my face.Then he began to excitedly tell me who and who were gay in the first and third classes of senior high school.All the classmates in their class were talking, and once saw the two of them kissing under the school tree.I will never forget the disdainful look in his eyes when he mentioned those two people and the words "abnormal, hooligan" and even some more embarrassing words popped out of his mouth from time to time.I didn't quite believe it at first, until one day I saw those two boys with my own eyes when I was eating in the cafeteria.The two of them wrapped their arms around the waist of the other from behind, and put their heads on the shoulders of the person in front, talking and laughing, very intimate.What surprised me even more was that the classmate behind kissed the cheek of the classmate in front, very quickly, but I really saw it.

I was more shocked by how unabashedly they showed their emotions than knowing how close their relationship was.It was also at that moment that I truly understood that I was actually the same as them.However, unlike them, I haven't had the courage to show their feelings without reservation.I know this is a feeling that most people can't accept, and I also heard some classmates' comments about them in the class.I admit, I couldn't stand such remarks at that time.In the eyes of my teachers and parents, I was a good student with both character and learning. If they know that the so-called good students in their eyes have different aptitudes from ordinary people, and they are so-called perverts in other people’s mouths, don’t mention them. Even I can't accept it myself.It's just that I'm very contradictory. I really want to tell others what I feel in my heart, but I'm also afraid of the contemptuous eyes of others after being discovered.

I didn't know what to do, and during that time, I was often upset for no reason.His chest seemed to be blocked by something, as if there was a puff of breath, but he couldn't get it out.Fortunately, life in high school is simple, fulfilling and compact. Every day is a three-point and one-line run in the dormitory, classroom and cafeteria.Classes are full from morning to night, and the amount of homework cannot be compared with that of junior high school.So, I used homework topics to distract myself, and indeed, the tight high school life left me with no time to take care of other things.Even if there are classmates and friends around me who start to secretly fall in love because they can't bear the loneliness, it doesn't have much impact on me.In the three years of high school, I spent it in high-intensity study and a lot of questions.

After the college entrance examination, everyone started to relax like a wild horse running wild.I also started to slowly relax like everyone else.Go out crazy with friends in the morning, and play games online at home in the evening.

Also by chance, I saw an article "Six Chapters of a Floating Life" by Nankang Baiqi on the Internet.It describes the details of his life with his boyfriend. From his words, it can be seen that their life should be very happy.The article is not long, but it makes me very envious.I suddenly longed for someone who could live like them with me.

So I searched for news about him on the Internet, only to find that he had passed away.I also saw an article "I'll wait for you until you're 35" that shocked me.His Mr. Zhang got married, he did not go to his wedding, and sent him a message telling him he would wait until he was 35.But his Mr. Zhang did not give him any response.I think his Mr. Zhang probably wants to completely cut off contact with him.

For Mr. Zhang, I think I don't understand, because I can't imagine a marriage without love. I can't accept a person you have no feelings for every day, and you have to do the most intimate things with this person; but I think I also understand that in a traditional Chinese society, if you are unconventional, do what you want to do and love someone you shouldn’t love, you will be crushed by rumors, so I have to accept it.

Nankang Baiqi didn't wait until he was 35 in the end, because he committed suicide by jumping into the river when he was 28 years old.I feel bad for Nam Kang, and I don't think it's worth it to choose to end his life for someone who has already abandoned him.It's just that sometimes, once some feelings are trapped, it is too difficult to get out, especially such a relationship that cannot be exposed.

I also secretly searched the Internet for some same-sex movies to watch.The two movies that impressed me the most are "Happy Together" and "Lan Yu".

In "Happy Together", when He Baorong finally came back and sincerely wanted to get back together with Li Yaohui, Li Yaohui had already left, so he sat on the bed in the room where they lived together, hugging the blanket, Cry like a child.The one who used to say: "Li Yaohui, why don't we start over!" That person has really left.

But "Lan Yu" is after Chen Handong and Lan Yu experienced separation and reunion, and when Chen Handong and Lan Yu were ready to live together, Lan Yu died in a car accident.When Chen Handong heard the news of Lan Yu's unexpected death, looked at the pale corpse in the mortuary, and thought about what this man had done for himself, he slowly slid and sat on the ground, the person who loved him, the person he loved , really gone.

After reading it, my heart is extremely heavy.The atmosphere was depressing and made me very uncomfortable.I would fantasize, why can't they give them a better ending, is the love between the same sex really that difficult?Why can't even the characters in the movie have a better ending when Nankang is dead in reality?At that time, maybe I was too naive, maybe I didn’t experience it, I didn’t understand it, I just prayed secretly, I hope my relationship will not be like theirs, leaving regrets.