critical value

I stayed in St. Petersburg for about two years.

Thinking back to those two years, I spent all day long drinking together with Paman and other local snakes in St. Petersburg; or I was going back and forth between St. Petersburg and Siberia. I can recite the names of the stations that I am familiar with on that part of the road, and the occasional adjustments are also a businesslike way to kill others.

In retrospect, I didn’t do anything, but it took two years inexplicably; it seemed that I spent such a long time idle, but I vaguely felt that I was so busy during that time that I didn’t even have time to think about it.This sentence is inconsistent, but I really feel this indescribable contradiction.It makes people dizzy and confused—just like when I was in school, in the days just after the final exam, I felt the same when I recalled what I did this semester.

But sometimes, when I, Paman, and the local snakes fight together until we lose consciousness, the two of us lie sprawled on the deserted streets of St. Snowflakes were falling again and again, the wind was just right, and it looked as if they were going to hit me all over the face.The surrounding air is no different from the cold blade, cutting every inch of my skin, I gradually lost consciousness, as if I was going to die, and Pa Nanshen was snoring next to me and sleeping soundly... ..

At this time, my expression became inexplicably dazed, and it seemed that I was brought back to a certain period of time long ago. I was younger than now, and I was decadent on the streets of Russia in pain——with a wine in my hand bottle, crying for a while and laughing for a while, the cold wind blowing on the cheeks, freezing the teardrops that were about to slide down on the eyelashes, and gradually I couldn't see anything, and the whole world was white.

However, I still held the wine bottle, drank it for a while, and walked forward step by step. When the wine bottle was empty, it fell to the ground, and then I also fell to the ground with a "boom"—closed His upper eyes were pitch black, and when he opened them, they were snow-white. He didn't know whether they were closed or opened. In short, his consciousness gradually became blurred just like now.Although I will fall asleep soon, I can still vaguely remember many things before that.

——Probably because this scene is so familiar, I can’t help thinking about Zhang Haoran just like I was then.I miss his every frown and smile, every word he said to me, every action he made, every moment we were together...

But it’s really amazing. These things used to be so clear and vivid. A few years ago, I lay on the streets of Russia where people were freezing to death almost every night. I was tortured by these memories almost every day. Temporary relief.But now, things that were once so clear are now as if soaked in water, blurred like bubbles.

——Zhang Haoran's voice became unclear and sounded more and more distant; Zhang Haoran's face was blurred, and every expression he made seemed to be painted with holy light, and he could no longer restore the true and natural feeling; Zhang Haoran His movements, as if his whole body was soaked in the sun, the backlight turned into a silhouette, and because the sunlight was so dazzling that I couldn't even see clearly.

People who were once so important in my life can't be restored to their original appearance now.I was a little dazed for a moment.

So my thinking temporarily stopped at his back against the light, and I don’t know why I recalled a clear scene—I don’t know when it happened, but I just woke up one morning, the sun was high and the sun was shining through the curtains. The dazzling colors were reflected, and I was dizzy for a long time before I regained my sanity, and saw Zhang Haoran parting the curtains, with his body half sideways, as if his back was facing me, leaning against the window, I don't know what he was looking at.

I was a little shocked for a moment, and I even thought that time had been stuck at that moment, and everything that happened over the years was nothing but a big absurd dream.I am still a middle school student, and I can still enjoy the ignorant age without learning or skill, and I can still be in danger without knowing it, and I haven't lost the first person I fell in love with.All the pain, all the decadence and sadness that followed seemed to have disappeared, and it seemed that I could instantly get out of my brain the experience of several years...

My heart was beating wildly, and the carotid artery seemed to burst. I got up from the bed, struggled and walked over to hug him from behind. Heavy, and as if a knife was stirring inside... I was inexplicably moved, looking at Zhang Haoran's indistinct figure—but I didn't know if it was a profile or a back view, and my nose was sore that I was about to cry. .But at the moment when he was closest to him, inexplicably, the dazzling warm colors around him turned into calm and cool colors.

——Japanese-style decoration, I stepped on the palm mat with bare feet.The window, which I had finally gotten close to, now puts a large distance between me and it.The hot water kettle was humming and emitting steam, and outside the window was the deserted sunlight, which was partly blocked by the bamboo curtains but partly came through.

My mind felt dizzy again, like being stabbed by a knife. I struggled to get rid of this feeling, but there were still waves of darkness in front of my eyes.I vaguely saw a figure leaning against the window, "Is it Zhang Haoran?" I asked myself like this, and once again struggled to get closer step by step—soon, almost, and I could almost touch it.

However, the man suddenly turned his head, and under the cold sunlight was a face I didn't recognize.No, it’s not that I don’t know each other, but somehow I feel a little familiar—he stood up and walked towards me, gently grabbed my hand and took me to sit by the window. He didn’t say anything, just smiled, but his eyes were red It's like I'm about to cry.It’s really a strange thing. I obviously don’t know him, but I don’t resist his every move at all. Instead, I am a little intoxicated and a little intimate...

I was afraid that I would sink into it, and that I would not be able to find Zhang Haoran in the future. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't control my body to stay by this person's side.

He opened and closed his lips several times, hesitant to speak, and finally managed to say: "Ani K..." and then stopped abruptly.

He hesitated to speak, but I couldn't help but replied: "Hey! Epilepsy!..." I felt palpitations, and then felt a little shy for no reason, "We finally...wrong." I seemed to be digging He frantically searched for the right words—"Epileptic, I'm the one who's back." Unconsciously, he shook his hand back.

He stared at me cutely with his clear and clear eyes, and smiled like a peach blossom on his face...

Seeing his smiling face, I was enlightened for an instant, and regained my hearing and eyesight in an instant.I jumped up on the frozen and snowy streets of Russia. I couldn't distinguish between reality and dreams in a trance, but when I turned around, I saw the snow on Paman's body, shrunk into a small ball, and I suddenly understood. Come here, this is the world you should really stay in.

In the end, I carried Paman back to my residence in St. Petersburg, threw it into the bathroom and rinsed it with hot water, and finally I was relieved.

God Pa was still soaking in the bathroom, and I was lying in the dark in the bedroom, probably because the dream I had in the snow just now stunned me. For any drowsiness, the shadows of Epilepsy and Zhang Haoran flashed back and forth in his mind, one was only covered by a layer of fog, and the other was completely blurred and could not be seen clearly.I feel a little regretful in my heart, and my first reaction is to think about what to do next, so as to avoid the ambiguity of epilepsy.

But no clue.

I still regret it in my heart, I still vaguely remember some of my previous experiences with Zhang Haoran, and how much I loved him, because even if this friendship spans several years, it can still be conveyed to me when I recall it ——But since we are already so in love, why did this figure still become blurred in the end?Obviously my heart has been filled by him, why can I fall in love with epilepsy again?

Thinking of the happy and free feeling when I was with epilepsy, I don’t know why but I feel somewhat similar to someone. I guess, that person is probably Zhang Haoran.I got scared, afraid that I had been using epilepsy as Zhang Haoran's substitute for so long, but after thinking about it carefully, they still have more differences than similar parts.

Starting from appearance——Zhang Haoran is indeed very good-looking, and not to an ordinary degree. Whether he glanced at it for a moment or stared at it for years, his face has always had an astonishing beauty, but it is different from the twin brother Zhang Haoran. Wei Ran is different, his own mysterious and arrogant temperament adds luster to his face, and every small movement on his face is more agile.

If he had epilepsy, at first he just thought those big clear eyes were cute. Although his gentle face was pretty, it wasn't as amazing as Zhang Haoran's, but it was a face that was very suitable for long-term love.I watched him a lot, and although his face didn't change, he felt more and more beautiful. When I watched him, I was "shocked to heaven" when I was deeply moved.After watching him for a long time, any expression he makes, even a contemptuous glance at me, will make people feel too cute to bear.

Although Zhang Haoran's body only lasted until he was 16 years old, his height is not much different from mine. Although he is very thin, he is full of muscles and bones. The sense of mystery makes people can't help thinking of leopards wandering in the forest - you seem to have seen him, but when you turn around, you can only find the shadow of the leopard's tail among the green leaves, but you are still fascinated.

Epilepsy is like a kitten that has been tamed by humans after thousands of years of evolution.I don't know why, maybe it's because of the cat's eyes, I've always thought so.Although he is getting better now, when I first met him, his slender body seemed to be two or three years younger, and he was also shorter than his peers. Inadvertently being arrogant for a while - really like a cat.

There are also many, many differences, in terms of indescribable temperament - if Zhang Haoran is wise, then epilepsy must be a representative of innocence; Zhang Haoran's eyes are quiet and deep, like autumn pools, while Epilepsy's eyes are clear and bright, as if the entire starry sky is contained in it...

Of course there are many differences, they are different in the end, I don't regard any one as a substitute for the other.But I let go of Zhang Haoran——I still love him, but I let him go; I love him, but I swear to spend the rest of my life with others.Maybe it's because I lost him...

My mind was confused for a moment, and I couldn't tell what the definition of Zhang Haoran was in my life - a person I loved, but passed me by; a person who obviously couldn't be with me, And the one I still miss.What is it like?

I have thought about it for a long time but still can't find the answer. The definition of him in my life is still unclear, but I always feel that he should be a person who I must spend my whole life remembering and worshiping, but I really can't condescend to hold him in my arms. loved by people.Perhaps, he is the noble person in my life, but he will never degenerate into my lover...

In a trance, the figure of epilepsy flashed again, and suddenly, I really wanted to see him again.