critical value

22 years old, it seems like a fresh start to me.However, this is not the case in reality. The changes had happened quietly a long time ago, but there was a clear timeline suddenly after that day.

At that time, I thought that I was 22 years old, and I felt that time might pass very slowly. I always felt that I was about to be a third-year person. Why did I only celebrate my 22nd birthday today?But from another angle, there is a sense of sight of "the dead are like a man, never giving up day and night". When I think back to the past, I can still vividly remember it as if it happened yesterday-I was so drunk on the streets of Russia. When saving personnel, when Jiangnan and Zhang Haoran ran around in the middle of the night, when they were still in middle school, when they were still friends with my brother, until——when grandpa was still alive, the legendary child... ....

For some reason, all I recalled that day were the past events that were not painful, but my heart was inexplicably sad.

It seems like it happened yesterday, but I can't go back, and I don't want to go back

——I don’t want to be hurt by my siblings again, and I don’t want to bear the pain of parting again.

In the past few days, I have been dangling around epilepsy, or epilepsy dangling around me. Inexplicably, the more I look at him, the more pleasing I am to my eyes. It can even be described as "the mother-in-law looks at her son-in-law, and the more she looks at her, the more she likes him".When I first saw that face, I just thought it was cute, but now I look at it over and over again, not only do not feel bored, but I am "shocked like a heavenly man" in an instant, and my heart trembles in an instant.

The more I like him, the inexplicably feel that our friendship, which is not very pure, especially my very plotting, has become more and more complicated. If you tear off that layer of barriers, it must be the kind of happy ending where you love me and marry with your fingertips, but no one is willing to take the first step. Instead, they are very happy to say something that is easy to make people especially in front of some acquaintances. Misunderstood that the two of us have already spent the next month and the honeymoon period - deliberately misunderstood the friends, so as to motivate each other to be the bad guy who "tears the barrier".

— This was what we did the most during that time.

Of course, there are many reasons why both parties are unwilling to confess. Of course, both parties have unspeakable hardships. Although I don’t know the reason, at least I know myself very well——During that time, I was hopelessly thinking about the matter of Zhang Haoran, and I was so embarrassed and scumbag that I compared the two of them together every day, just like playing too much find fault.

At first, I just started to compare because the more I stayed with epilepsy, the more fun I felt, and I would inexplicably feel very nostalgic, as if something similar had happened before, but I couldn’t clearly understand it. When I think about it, sometimes it feels like the childhood I spent with my group of Sichuan friends, but probably because the friendship between the two of us is not so pure, and there is a sense of inexplicable disobedience.After thinking about it, I guess it was the time with Zhang Haoran

——The past that I have set aside for several years and dare not recall.

I don’t know why, when I think of him after knowing epilepsy, the feeling of being overwhelmed by pain has faded away, replaced by something unspeakable——Now when I think of those times with Zhang Haoran before, when I recall the happy things, my heart It feels sweet and warm, and I miss it very much, but I don't have the urge to go back to the past, and naturally I won't be overwhelmed by regret...

I guess I probably looked away, but somehow felt like I had done something wrong, and I was always uncomfortable.After all, Zhang Haoran died, and it was because of me that he had to leave at an age when he should have been running around and playing around. I broke up the brothers who had been dependent on each other since childhood, and made Zhang Weiran's life unknown for many years. been alone.

——I made a big mistake, it’s not so easy to forgive, even if all the people around me say it’s okay, it’s okay, I will still intentionally do things to torture myself, intentionally get hurt, intentionally communicate with The happyending missed, and I intentionally let myself die alone, because I have not advanced to the level that can forgive such mistakes. With these actions, I hope to express my apology and atonement to Zhang Haoran and Zhang Weiran.

——If Zhang Haoran hadn’t met me, he would be an adult now, and he should be living well...

Redeeming by torturing yourself, the basic condition of torturing yourself is not being able to feel joy and happiness.

I didn’t know what I was thinking during that time, desperately comparing Zhang Haoran and epilepsy, making analogies, trying to find any reason that could drag me away from epilepsy—what I thought at that time It is no longer just questions like "the difference between me and ordinary people", or "what if I can't bring him back to the Northeast", but simply about Zhang Haoran, about the past that he was unwilling to face, the critical point between life and death, And how to make myself atone for my sins with a clear conscience - I'm afraid I won't be able to do it in this life.

Staying with epilepsy, inexplicably has a feeling of being very in tune, very relaxing, even to the point of "resurrection".It's not like hitting it off at first sight, and it's not like a fish in water, but finding him is like finding myself.It seemed to be the same when I was with Zhang Haoran, unscrupulous, and he didn't need to take him too much into account, but he understood everything...

Zhang Haoran used to like to look up at me very much. I still remember that pair of vivid phoenix eyes are quiet and deep, lying in front of my eyes like a pool of autumn... If I smiled at that time, Whether it's a gentle smile or a sinister smirk, it seems to stab me to death in an instant.

In fact, epilepsy is the one who looks at me like that most often. Whenever I see his bright black eyes, even without making any expressions, they can reveal an unconcealable innocence. All the starry sky was put into his eyes.

——At the beginning, I used analogy to discuss, but suddenly I found that the more analogy I like, the more I like epilepsy, and the less I can throw myself into pain without hesitation.

At this time, I can only think about the difference between him and Zhang Haoran——

Perhaps, he is not as mature and independent as Zhang Haoran?

Perhaps, his appearance is not as good as others, and his hair is not so soft and not long.

perhaps......

In an instant, I suddenly realized that Epilepsy and Zhang Haoran actually have many differences, or that they are not the same kind of people at all, but after realizing it, the examples that I could give became fewer, which is also very amazing one thing.

After all, epilepsy is just an ordinary person, and he should spend his whole life guarding his family in an ordinary way.

This reason seems to be sufficient. Although it finally went back to the topic of "me and ordinary people", it still did not deviate from the final direction of "torturing myself".

I can leave him, that is to say, I can continue to torture myself.

It seems to be something worth cheering about.

After that, the time passed quickly, and it seemed that I went to high school within a few days of epilepsy. I was really poor in self-control, so I couldn't help but started the program of picking him up every night, and it was accompanied by sending him to school in the morning, He harassed him during his lunch break every day—he was still in the No. [-] Middle School, and his position was easy to find.

At the beginning, my reason was very good - this kid didn't have many friends when he first entered high school, but for some reason, after entering high school, his friendship ability seemed to suddenly increase a lot. Hooked up with a little friend every day... Seeing his friends increase day by day, I don't know why I am suddenly very relieved.Especially when he suddenly came over one day and made a few gestures on my body, and said with a smile: "Look, I have grown taller." The more I look at it, the more I like it, and the more I can't leave it.

During the lunch break, sometimes I deliberately put on a black-green short-sleeve and climbed over the wall of their No. [-] Middle School, hiding behind the pine tree and waiting for him, but since I scared a little girl in the first grade of junior high school to scream After that, he never did this kind of thing again. Instead, he turned over to find me secretly.At noon, I took him to eat this, eat that, maybe it was at that time that I discovered that he had the attribute of being arrogant, and never mentioned the name of the store, deliberately pretending to be not very hungry and not caring. : "I want to go to that shop where there are cheat books posted."

I know he wants to eat maocai...

It seems that I suddenly realized that we are such people who have a tacit understanding, so it is even more, more inseparable. It seems that all the conclusions obtained after arguing so much before are in vain. I want to hold him tightly and not let him leave I, except me, will not let anyone control him, nor will he leave scratches in anyone's life except me.I want the two of us to always be with each other from now on, even if we can only feel each other, I am satisfied.

However, I also had to go—a sentence suddenly came to my mind, "It's inhuman! Walk with people, and leave with people." At this moment, I am indeed inhuman, but other than that, I have something more inhuman. Human past awaits my redemption...

I have to go, but I find excuses day by day—such as "wait for him to grow to 1.8 meters", "wait for him to have three girlfriends", "wait for him to finally hate canvas shoes one day"..... .All kinds of funny excuses, and finally made up my mind

——After returning to the Northeast, I will not come to Jiangnan again, nor will I look for him again.