martyrdom

wake up.

When Yuan Fei opened his eyes, the night receded, the fireworks melted, and the place where he looked was pale, with his head tilted slightly, and there was a small black porcelain jar on the bedside table.

Although there are single wards around, she is not in pain.So he got up easily, took the porcelain jar, opened the stopper, and inside was a handful of gray powder.

She didn't show any expression. She just re-covered the jar and put it back on the bed. She lay down again, slowly closed her eyes, and tried to fall asleep.

The cicadas chirping in midsummer was annoying, but it seemed that the surroundings were dead silent.However, there was a mournful howl suddenly from the next door, followed by glass shattering, tables and chairs collapsing, and someone yelling like a lunatic, which was mixed with the anxious voice of a normal person: "Quick, bring An Ding, hold him down. , Inject! Inject quickly!"

Yuan Fei was not surprised, but frowned slightly, as if bored.

After a while, the howling gradually subsided, and finally returned to calm.

The cicadas keep singing, but it can be ignored under habit.Yuan Fei closed her eyes and tried to sleep again, but footsteps came from the door.

The door was pushed open, and someone walked in while talking.

"Why is she still sleeping? Is it a side effect of antidepressant treatment?" It was a nurse.

"Probably not. How long has she been lethargic?" It was the doctor.

"It's been less than half a month. I rarely wake up every day. When I wake up, I am eager to fall asleep again, ignoring people and not talking."

"Contact a counselor, and when she wakes up, take her to have a chat."

The fingertips feel warm and moist, and the boredom is slightly reduced.Yuan Fei narrowed her eyes and found that the nail print on her wrist was deeply embedded in the flesh, so she quietly hid it with her cuff.

Self-mutilation, she dared not.In such a place, any sign of violence will be met with brutal sanctions.Losing her dignity, losing her freedom, being forced to inject some kind of drug that can cause severe headaches, hallucinations, and fog, she has had enough of this feeling.

Someone came to the bed and stared at her from top to bottom.

The arms were pulled up, the cuffs were rolled up, and the fresh wounds were exposed to the air.

was found.She couldn't help shaking with fear.

The person holding her arm sighed helplessly: "Teacher Yuan, I know you are awake. You should be very clear about what kind of situation you will get into by doing this."

Yuan Fei opened her eyes, didn't speak, but turned her head to look out the window.

The wound was cold and painful, because someone was disinfecting and bandaging her.The man continued to speak as he moved: "This time, I will say that you accidentally bruised it. I hope there will be no next time. You promise me, can you?"

Yuan Fei glanced at him and found that the other party was a young man with an unfamiliar face.

Seeing her vigilance, the other party smiled wryly, and explained: "I have read your book, listened to your lectures, and heard about your and... about your experience. I don't know what to advise you, and I don't know Is it really helpful to you in this way? In any case, this is not a place for you to stay, and I hope our relationship can end as soon as possible. "

"Are you finished?" The hoarse and broken voice was a symbol of not speaking for a long time.

The man was startled and nodded.

"Then go out, I'm going to sleep."

In the dream, Yu'er was still waiting for her to climb to the top of the mountain and pick flowers together.

And in this reality, there are only cold porcelain jars and ashes, how can she linger and return?

The sound of people fades away, but the hum of cicadas remains.I don't know how long it took, and finally fell into a dream with difficulty, but there were no flowers, no sea, and no sweetheart in the dream.

Going to Qiongbi and down to Huangquan, there is nowhere to be seen.

Waking up again, Yuan Fei realized that that dream was over and could never go back.

how come……?

She obviously made so many arrangements and successfully passed the unexpected scene in reality, but she still woke up from the dream. The relationship between her and Yu'er ended in this sea trip after all, and there was no follow-up.

What went wrong?

Thinking hard, the sea breeze in the dream was soft, they stopped in the middle of the mountain, and the sun was shining warmly on their shoulders through the branches and leaves.As far as the eye can see, the sea is sparkling, and the ships come and go...

Wait, come and go...

Yuan Fei frowned, forcing herself to recall everything that happened in reality for the umpteenth time.

Feather is gone.

The sudden severe pain overwhelmed, and the memories were hard to sustain.

Yuan Fei shrunk herself into a ball, hugged herself hard, and endured bitterly.

This is the third month since Yu'er left, she remembered.

This kind of pain was still the same as it was at the beginning, and it never subsided in the slightest. Every time she thought about this fact, she surged up and left like a cocoon when she was exhausted, tormenting her unspeakably.

You can't avoid it, you can't hide it, you can only suffer it.

If you can't remember from the ending, why not start from the first time you meet and look back at the real look of reality.

The girl crashed into her arms in a white dress, which was a beautiful coexistence of dream and reality.In the dream, she was deeply impressed and never forgot, but in reality, she vented the boredom accumulated under the pressure with a cold "excuse me", and also added an irreparable mark to the girl who mustered up the courage and only wanted to be close.

And that trip alone.She rejected the girl's invitation, and in reality, there is no intimacy and play in the coffee shop, or the spiritual conversation in the bookstore, only the lonely and suffocating misty alley.

When she was plagued by nightmares, she once lamented the beauty of reality, but she didn't know that the so-called beautiful reality is a dream, and those nightmares full of regret and pain are the bloody reality.

The process of her being with Yu'er was far more tortuous than in the dream.Fortunately, we are more determined to each other, so we don't let the miss become a lifelong regret.

... But now it seems that it is better to miss it than to be separated forever.

After being together, her mental state became the biggest problem bothering them in the dream, but it was reality.

At the signing, she didn't hold the girl's hand.

Yu'er's friend hurt her angrily, causing her to almost collapse in public.

Everything is the plot of a nightmare.Everything is unbearable in reality.

Neither she nor Yu'er were saints, so they accumulated little by little knots, resented each other, and maintained it with deep love and hard work, until the student exchange program, they separated for many years.

Several of them are difficult and sad, making people afraid to look back.

Later, when the girl came back, the severed hand in the dream paved the way for them to never leave, but the reality is.

Yuan Fei thought of the reunion at the airport when Yu Er returned to China.

After a long separation in October, we miss each other deeply, and we can't exchange for a hug.Yu'er could no longer throw herself into her arms with peace of mind, and she couldn't open her arms casually to embrace a person who no longer belonged to her.

One for reunion, one for parting.

It was wrong to do the last tour.This visit, farewell will eventually become a forever farewell.

In fact, in the dream, since the night of New Year's Day, she has completely awakened.Memories of reality are no longer presented in the form of nightmares, but like drops of water turning into ice, eroding her bit by bit, turning all the warmth in her chest into a bone-chilling chill.

So, that night she was in a lot of pain and hurt Yu'er.

So, she said the moon in the water, the sand between her fingers, and when the girl promised forever, she clenched her teeth angrily, leaving marks on her snowy skin.

Therefore, she erased the word Yu Fei and sent Sui Sui Si away.

It's not that I don't want to believe it, it's just that I know the ending too well.

Feather.

Yuan Fei tilted her head and looked at the quiet porcelain pot on the table.

In the dream and outside the dream, you are blaming me.

I am also complaining about you.

Blame you for not crashing into my arms at first, blame you for not jumping into the sea in the end, and blame you for not trying to hold me up when you were exhausted, and when I hugged you and called for you, your face turned pale and refused to wake up.

I hold you and interlock my fingers, your hands are still cold, but I can no longer warm you.

Later, the flames engulfed your eyebrows and eyes, turning you into ashes in the furnace.

Later, the moonlight in front of the grave was dim, and the stele was slightly cool.The dwarf pines are falling into pairs, and the eyes are full of desolation.

I wanted to be close to you, so I became a tomb robber, and then I was sent here, where I had a big spring and autumn dream.

I'm not crazy, it's just that sometimes, I can't tell the difference between dream and reality.

But I can tell who pushed me into the sea, and who caused us to get to this point.

Yuan Fei held up the porcelain pot, her eyes were cold and mad: "It's not illegal for a lunatic to kill someone, right, Yu'er."

Correct.

One month later, it will be autumn.The sky is high and blue, the sun is not stingy, the autumn wind is blowing with fragrance, and there are husband and wife holding hands and young children laughing in the courtyard.Seeing no trace of the desolate scenery suddenly bursting with devastating sadness, Yuan Fei raised her head and closed her eyes, not looking at this world that she hated so much.

"Teacher Yuan." Someone behind her whispered, it was the doctor who had been accompanying her for treatment, "May you have a good life. I am looking forward to your next book."

There will be no next book.

It won't be a good life either.

Yuan Fei left the place without looking back.

At night, Kang Woo's private residence welcomed his long-awaited guest.

The next day, when he woke up at dusk, there was a shallow scratch on his neck, which was slightly swollen and tingling.Yuan's parents came to the door, grabbed his collar and asked him where his daughter was.

Everything was like a dream, and he only remembered the last moment of consciousness. Yuan Fei asked him a question: "Why do dreams have an end?"

And he can only say over and over again that he cannot be believed: "I didn't push you, I really didn't, I didn't..."

He did, no.

Since then, no one has seen Yuan Fei again.

The author has something to say:

1. Yes, the seventy chapters of the main text are just a dream.Yu'er died, Yuan Fei went crazy, so he had a dream.Yuanfei suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, as mentioned in the text.

2. Why dreams have an end.Yuan Fei was clearly on guard against Kang Yu, but the accident still happened in the dream, and the dream still woke up, because her falling into the sea had nothing to do with Kang Yu.It was her mistake that killed Yu'er.She didn't want to admit this fact, so she hypnotized herself until the imagination became reality.Kang Woo: Cannon fodder.But it deserves it.

3. Where did Yuan Fei go in the end?She thought it was Kang Yu who killed Yu Er, so she wanted to kill Kang Yu.The question she asked at the end showed that she realized it wasn't.It was herself who killed Yu'er.So... where do you think she went?