Solitary

Lin Shu fled.He was running wildly on the deserted road, and the cold wind was blowing on his face.He ran to the gate of the community in one breath, and the middle-aged security guard opened the electronic gate and saluted him.

He walked to the Jingtian Road subway station.There were very few people in the subway, and he sat in an empty carriage, looking at himself in the opposite window, and felt that he was too ridiculous.

In that moment he was ashamed, ashamed of his madness and frivolity.He is afraid of what will happen next.Even if He Jiqing seems to be fine, it might be a kind of enjoyment to dedicate his body to him for the first time.But his heart was resisting.This is not what he is determined to look forward to.

He doesn't want a one-night stand just for physical pleasure.He wants to have a good relationship, before the end of his senior year.Then go home, recalling the only good time, being celibate until death.

In his junior year, a freshman school girl proposed to him, but he politely refused.His roommate asked him, "Why did you refuse?"

He replied to his roommate: "I don't want to be in a relationship."

The roommate who is constantly in love is surprised: "Why?"

"Because I think being single is fine," he told his roommate.

The roommate said: "What's so good about being single, people will find a partner to get married sooner or later."

"80 percent of human couples are not together because they love each other," he told his roommate.

The roommate felt that he chose to be single for this reason, which was too pessimistic.He thought that if he told his roommate the truth, the roommate would probably not think he was pessimistic, but disgusted.

He is a gay man who likes men, he knows it naturally without confirmation.His family will not allow him to like men, let alone live with men for the rest of his life.In high school, he had made up his mind to be celibate until his death.

The roommate said: "Sooner or later you will understand that it is hard work alone."

Therefore, he is not reconciled.

Yes, one person is too hard.

In the past 23 years, he kept a distance from everyone and did not give himself any chance to fall in love with others.His parents said he was shy, his teacher said he was too silent, and his classmates said he was boring.Everyone said he was a cold man.

He has no friends.It sucks to be alone with a secret in the dark of night.He tried his best to take the test from Dongshan Island to Nanjing, thinking that there would be a turning point, but in the end he still had to go back.His parents only have him.

Life is so long, he doesn't want to go to the end coldly alone.He wanted something warm, even if it was just a memory, to help him persist until the day his parents left him.

Because of his cowardice and cowardice, he has wasted three years of college.He must create some memories that will warm the rest of his life in this last year.

Lin Shu returned to the dormitory, and there was an unread WeChat message from He Jiqing on his phone.

He asked him, "Are you at school?"

He replied "here".No more text.

He felt guilty towards He Jiqing, but he didn't want to say sorry to him.He found the movie "Call Me By Your Name" online and downloaded it to his computer.

On the weekend, Lin Shu finished reading "Call Me by Your Name" in the most remote corner of the school library.

This is a sad but beautiful movie.The love between a boy and a man is pure and touching.

At the end, the man finally left the boy, and the boy was very sad.His father comforted him and said: "I may have been close, but I never had what you have. There is always something stopping me, or standing in front of me. How to live your life is your own business, you just have to Remember, God only gave us our mind and body once. And before you realize it, your heart is exhausted. As for your body, there will come a day when no one wants to look at it again, let alone approach it. Don't let the pain go away when you feel sad and miserable right now, and don't lose the joy you feel."

Listening to his father's words, the boy's expression gradually became sad, and his eyes were wet with tears.

Lin Shu was lying on the table, and only by covering her chest tightly could she not cry out.

Since Lin Shu escaped, He Jiqing did not open Douban again.He began to write manuscripts day and night, forgetting to eat and sleep.When He Annian came to see him on the weekend, he was frightened by his scruffy and decadent appearance.His beard grew over his side cheeks and chin as if he hadn't shaved in days.Her hair was no longer neat and clean as usual, it was piled up in a mess on her head.There was a large brown stain on the front of the gray home clothes on his body, as if he had spilled coffee and spilled it on his body.His room smelled of cigarettes and convenience food.

He Annian helped clean up, and He Jiqing continued writing as if no one was around.Seeing him like this, He Annian felt very distressed.He took the initiative to ask: "Brother, did something happen to you?"

But He Jiqing didn't want to say anything.He told him without looking back that the biggest thing he encountered recently was rushing to draft, and the editor was pressing him very hard.

He Annian looked at him suspiciously, thinking that he was not telling the truth, but no matter how insinuating and questioning he was, his brother was still unwilling to tell him the truth.

It's been like this since childhood.He could share everything about himself with He Jiqing, even telling him about his first spermatorrhea.But He Jiqing would not tell him anything about him.

"Have you met a lot of girls recently?" He Jiqing asked him back.

He nodded wearily and said, "Yes."

"Not satisfied?" He Jiqing asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Then you can try dating, Mom is very worried about you." He Jiqing finally closed the computer, and he took off the glasses on the bridge of his nose.

He Annian stared at his eyes. Without the cover of the lenses, his eyes were even more beautiful, especially the thick long eyelashes, which really cast beautiful shadows under the eyes when he blinked.He was very envious, he was not as good-looking as He Jiqing.Anyone who has met He Jiqing will be attracted by him.

"But she didn't see me," he said.

He Jiqing looked at him and asked, "Why?"

He avoided his direct gaze, hesitated for a few seconds and then replied in a low voice: "She said she likes you better, brother."

He Jiqing smiled lightly: "It's all fake."

People are easily fooled by appearances.None of these people who kept saying they liked him took the initiative to step forward.Everyone just looked at him from a distance, with a gesture of looking up, saying they liked him.That liking has nothing to do with him.

"She just said that she likes me, but she still wants to meet with you." He Jiqing said.

He Annian was surprised that he was right.

"She didn't even ask you for my phone number or WeChat, but she is willing to have dinner with you." He Jiqing continued.

He Annian nodded silently, he was right.

"It's always been like this before, isn't it?" He Jiqing looked at He Annian, his younger brother He Annian.The two brothers have little in common other than their size.He Annian is also handsome, with thick eyebrows and big eyes, and two dimples when he smiles, very sunny.

There was once a girl who asked He Annian for his contact information, but after meeting him once, there was no further information.They usually tell He Annian that your brother is too good-looking or too perfect, and they say they are not good enough for him.Even He Annian, including his parents, would think that those girls were not good enough for him, and he wouldn't like those people.Sometimes they will kindly remind those people that you have to be prepared to be rejected.

"Their liking for me is fake." He Jiqing said.

From the bottom of his eyes, He Annian saw the blatant loneliness for the first time, but it was fleeting.It dawned on him that his decadence might have something to do with it.

"It's not all fake, they're just too timid." He Annian was very sure, and he wanted to comfort him.His elder brother is very good, not just anyone can stand shoulder to shoulder with him.

He Jiqing turned his body and looked at him with his head tilted.He Annian said again: "It's true to like, and it's true to have no courage."

He Jiqing slowly raised the corners of his mouth, He Anian thought, he probably guessed right.

"Brother, you look so perfect. Most people would feel ashamed standing next to you." He Annian also wanted to tell his brother that he was like this.Standing beside his radiant elder brother, how inferior he is, how unable to lift his head up.Why the same parents, there is such a big gap between two people.He has been puzzled by this for a long time.

The smile on He Jiqing's face slowly faded again, he felt ironic about his younger brother's words, it was a sin to be outstanding at any time, and he actually had to endure the pain of being isolated from the crowd.

Before He Annian left, he prepared dinner for He Jiqing and cooked a table of dishes with the dishes he brought from home.He originally wanted to stay and eat together, but He Jiqing said that he was not hungry for the time being, so He Annian had to leave in disappointment.

He Jiqing stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows of the studio on the second floor, watching his younger brother walk slowly across the lawn, and opened the door to leave.He went downstairs, saw the table full of food, opened the new dating app, he wanted to find someone to eat with.

Before his request was sent out, a new message came in on WeChat, from Mumu, Mumu on Douban, the boy named Lin Shu, he has a fair face and slender eyes, he is the first one to kiss his people.

"I want to be your boyfriend, can I?"

"I want to date you, okay?"

The boy's words were very direct, but "Can you" and "Can you" revealed his nervousness and apprehension.He seemed anxious, wanting to get an answer quickly.He sent three "Can you?" in a row.

"Do you think it's okay? If not, don't say no. Just delete me on WeChat." He even thought about a way out.

He Jiqing read these few words back and forth many times.For the first time in the dry desert, there was rain watering.They come suddenly, turbulently.He heard the sound of the plant seeds buried in the deep soil waking up, intense and full of vitality.He wanted the rain to be more violent, and he replied with shaking fingers: "Yes."

Lin Shu looked at the word "Yes" on the phone, tears gushing out from the nervous accumulation, he was afraid of being seen, so he had to bury his head on the self-study table, tears wet the back of his hands.

He has used up the greatest courage in his life, wooing a man, confessing to a man, in such a direct way.Fortunately, his courage paid off.

He Jiqing said "Yes", he said yes, such a good-looking person said yes, and such a good-looking person said yes.Lin Shu thought while weeping, not only did he use up the greatest courage in his life, but he also used up the best luck in his life.