yesterday's wine

Xia Yu took a leave of absence, so I let him go back first. "

Pan Huaiming's words were obviously different from those of the interns. Cheng Zhen couldn't tell who was lying, and the anxiety in his heart became stronger, so he followed him into the director's office.

"Uncle Pan, they said you took him to get the medicine. Can I ask what happened?"

Pan Huaiming glanced at him: "What do you care about this?"

Cheng Zhen didn't know how to answer, and stood there in a daze.

"Go back, it's not for you to worry about, I'm a little busy today, you can come to play some other day."

Pan Huaiming half pushed and half pushed him to the door, Cheng Zhen was locked outside, feeling inexplicably anxious.At this time, he saw the intern again, and pulled him directly into the stairwell without regard to politeness.

"what happened?"

"The teacher didn't tell you? Then I can't tell you." The intern was a little unhappy.

Cheng Zhen pushed him against the wall: "Tell me!"

Not to be outdone, the intern backhanded his hand away.The two tore up in the stairwell, and finally, Cheng Zhen pushed him to the ground: "Please, tell me."

"You are sick..." The intern struggled to no avail, and shouted to call the police, "Who are you? Why should I tell you?"

In the eyes of others, Cheng Zhen didn't even have the qualifications to ask a question, but he couldn't tell the truth, which would directly ruin Xia Yu's future.His heart ached from the intern's eyes, and he let go of his hand unknowingly. The intern immediately opened him and fled through the door.

Cheng Zhen chased back to the corridor and saw that he was complaining to others, unable to ask any more questions, so he dawdled downstairs and made several calls on the way, but still no one answered.

He returned home in a daze, and waited until late at night, but Xia Yu didn't come back.

On the second day and the third day, Xia Yu still didn't go to work, and the phone was turned off.At night, he couldn't wait any longer, went out and stopped a car, went straight to Xia Siwei's house, and knocked on the door:

"Uncle Xia, has Xia Yu been here?"

Xia Siwei blocked him at the door and refused to let him in. After saying "no", he was about to close the door.

Cheng Zhen hurriedly opened the door: "Uncle Xia, I can't find him."

"If you can't find anyone, I don't even know." Xia Siwei wanted to order to evict the guest again.

"Don't close the door, I have something to ask you..."

"You said."

"This afternoon, I went to the hospital to look for Xia Yu. They said that Uncle Pan took him to the epidemic prevention station to get the medicine. What kind of medicine is it? You don't even have it in the second hospital. Why do you have to go to the epidemic prevention station to get it?"

Xia Siwei's expression suddenly froze, and he slowly took in a breath of cool air: "Come in and talk."

A few minutes later, Cheng Zhen and Xia Siwei sat at both ends of the coffee table, with a mobile phone in the middle.Xia Siwei just talked with Pan Huaiming on the phone, and he didn't hide anything from Cheng Zhen that he couldn't say to Cheng Zhen.

Xia Siwei had no intention of pursuing the relationship between Cheng Zhen and Xia Yu, and sank into the sofa, staring blankly at the phone in a daze.

Cheng Zhen, who had been silent all this time, suddenly stood up, stumbled towards the door, and a trance voice drifted into his ears:

"Uncle Xia, I have to find him. If I can't find him, my life is gone..."

Cheng Zhen's words brought Xia Siwei back to reality. He tried his best to temporarily cut off Xia Yu's relationship with him, and stopped him with the calmness of a doctor:

"Cheng Zhen."

"I have to find him..."

"The probability of infection through this route is very low, and antiviral drugs have been prescribed, so it's not that serious."

"It's not that serious..." Cheng Zhen repeated mechanically, "Then why didn't he come back? Alyosha, why did he leave..."

"'Alyosha'," Xia Siwei didn't hear this address for a long time, looked up at Cheng Zhen's face, "he never let me call him that."

Cheng Zhen was still looking ahead, as if he didn't understand what he said at all, and walked straight out of Xia Siwei's house.

The sky is a rich purple, there are no stars, and there is no moon. The lights all over the street are pointing in different directions, making noise in silence.

Cheng Zhen lost his way.

In the past 26 years, he has lost his way many times on the physical level, but he has never experienced being lost in the wilderness of life.

Alyosha is not only his love, but also the meaning of his life.

This disappearance out of thin air seemed to have emptied half of his flesh and soul, and ashes like flying smoke drifted from the wound, making him look like a ghost who refused to enter reincarnation, wandering in the world with unfinished obsessions .

Xia Yu just disappeared without a sound.

No one has ever seen him anywhere.

Cheng Zhen had no concept of time, he couldn't remember how many days Alyosha had been away, and he couldn't distinguish day and night, sometimes he fell asleep during the day, and sometimes woke up at midnight.Most of the time, Cheng Zhen was in a daze in the room, sorting out the things he used with his eyes. After staring for a long time, the scenery in front of him would blur and shake, creating an illusion that he was still here.

Then, the auditory hallucinations appeared.

Alyosha's voice was everywhere in the void, talking to him non-stop, just like many years ago, he kept telling him, talking about everything.Cheng Zhen kept talking, sometimes in Chinese, sometimes in Russian, there was no connection between the previous sentence and the next sentence, but Alyosha could understand him completely, he was the only one in the world who could understand him Man, he doesn't need to eat, he doesn't need to sleep...

Until one day, my mother led a group of people to break open the door of his room.

Cheng Zhen screamed, like a frightened beast, and let them tear him away from Alyosha's embrace helplessly.His mouth was wide open, his lips were torn apart, and before he lost consciousness, he tasted blood again.

"Alyosha, my tooth has fallen out..."

With the removal of the last family, the family building of the Second Hospital will soon become history.

The demolition office erected isolation boards around it, and workers built board houses nearby, preparing to raze the place to the ground before winter.Everyone was busy with their work, and no one noticed that a man was walking along the wall near the old building.

Soon, he found the gap between the two wall panels, and silently sneaked into the ruins of the future.

The smell of time is probably the smell of dust. With his eyes closed, he can tell which steps on that floor are smooth, which steps have small gaps in the cement, and what kind of metal paint is peeling off from the handrails of the stairs. pattern.The doors and windows of every household have been demolished. Going out of the stairs and turning left is your own home, and turning right is that person’s home. The walls of many homes still retain the green color of the past. into green...

He found the staircase, counted up from the bottom, the third step, and sat on it as he did back then. Over the past 20 years, his legs have become very long, and he can no longer stand in the position he used to be. His adult figure is a bit clumsy, and he can no longer find the memory of his body.

But he can still clearly recall that in the barren spring of 1992, a family moved in from the other end of the corridor.

A little boy with dark eyes stood quietly at the bottom of the three steps, listening to him play the song "Alyosha" on the harmonica, and only looked at him with confused black eyes when the music stopped:

"are you a foreigner?"

------

37 Blended Blood

Xia Yu sat on the stairs, the past was like a movie, and scenes were projected on the mottled wall.

In every scene, there is the same person.

He has seen that face for 20 years, from childish and ignorant, to faded and matured, it is always clean and enthusiastic, has experienced so many people and things have never changed, focused and persistent.

"I only have feelings for you, I only like you."

He couldn't imagine how broken the expression on that face would be at this moment, and how desolate it would be if there was no shadow of himself in the black eyes.He should be fully protected and cannot stand the slightest betrayal. However, apart from himself, what else in this world can hurt him?

"Alyosha, I am really in love with you."

Xia Yu suddenly found that he was still crying. He thought that his eyes had been dried up 20 years ago, and there was a piece of blue sea water in the sky, but there was no moisture at all, until he heard the sound of water droplets falling on the dust.

Never before had he felt such deep despair.No matter what the difference is, there will be a day of reunion, except death, this long, irreversible death that corrodes everything with fear day and night.

If death had been lying in the sun, and melting away in comfort and laziness, no one would have been alarmed when it came.He faces the unbearable, dirty and bloody life every day, and he also knows that if he is infected with that virus, the picture at the end will not be better than that on the operating table.

The window period of more than ten weeks was like waiting before the judgment. He could only imprison himself in loneliness and despair as a protection for Cheng Zhenda.But he didn't know that once he isolated himself, the rest of the world would become another cage, adding thorns to the person he wanted to protect.

It was a pain that even he himself could not bear.

"No matter what happens, I will never leave you. My whole life grows with you, and no one can separate us. There will never be a gap between us, and there will never be betrayal. I will love you Always be loyal."

The person who created the estrangement and betrayal has completely collapsed on the stairs, and the owner of those words has also collapsed, lying in a closed ward, his blood vessels filled with drugs.

No one who has experienced that kind of living tearing can survive.

Xia Yu was also like a half-desolate soul, wandering in the bustling world with dead ashes floating all the way.

Unknowingly, he has gone through all the memories, the stairs where he first met, the old road that accompanied him to and from school, the embankment by the river, the narrow road in the old city... the room where he kissed for the first time, the hotel where he explored his body, and the time when he met for a lifetime utopia.

"When will you have an operation? Sew us together, we will be together wherever we go, no one can tear us apart..."

He finally returned to their home, but there was no one he missed in that room.The ground was a mess, with messy footprints everywhere, the pillow he had hugged was thrown on the ground, and the plants he had watered together had dried up.

Things happened here that he never wanted to see.

Xia Yu turned on the phone that had been off for a long time, and dialed Cheng Zhen's number.

The person who answered the phone was Changqing.

He met Cheng Zhen's mother at his father's house.

Xia Siwei was lying on the bed, weak and old, no longer his usual demeanor. He had an infusion tube inserted in one hand, and there were large bruises and a few pinholes on the back of the other hand.He didn't explain too much about his health, Xia Yu glanced at the medicine bottle, it was some common antipyretic and anti-inflammatory medicine, half of his heart was relieved.

Chang Qing asked for leave to take care of Xia Siwei, because he insisted on refusing to go to the hospital, especially the second hospital, and he didn't want to face those sympathetic or sad eyes.

What happened was described very simply by them, with concise and neutral words, just like a medical record, for fear of hurting Xia Yu's emotions.

After Xia Yu listened calmly, he only asked, "Aunt Chang, is the first department allowed to visit?"

"Tomorrow." Chang Qing hesitated for a moment, "You'd better be mentally prepared, Cheng Zhen's condition...is not very good."

The City's No. [-] Specialist Hospital is the city's mental hospital.

Entering the ward requires entering triple locked doors, one for the inpatient area, one for each ward, and a third door to separate the medical staff from the patients.

There is a fourth door in Cheng Zhen's ward.

Chang Qing took Xia Yu and walked into a specialized hospital early in the morning. In the corridor, several mildly ill patients were undergoing magnetic therapy, wearing mesh hats, and sitting around a machine chatting.As they went deeper into the ward, the sound of delirium and crying reached their ears, and when they walked through the fourth door, everything became quiet.

Cheng Zhen was the only one in the ward.

The moment he saw him, Chang Qing covered his face, turned and walked out of the ward.

Cheng Zhen was lying flat on the bed, his eyes were loose, and he was so thin that he lost shape.His wrists, ankles, thighs and waist were tied with restraint belts, and he was tied to the bed and could not turn over or move.The doctor's explanation was that he had serious suicidal tendencies, and this method could only be used to protect his life.

Xia Yu's body shook for a while, and the male nurse next to him supported his shoulders to save him from falling. Only then did he realize what kind of mistake he had made to Cheng Zhen.

They untied Cheng Zhen, slowly helped him sit up, and prepared to take him to draw blood.

Xia Yu saw those eyes, which were as dark as the night, unable to reflect any light, so he whispered:

"Cheng Zhen."

The person sitting on the bed didn't seem to hear it. Xia Yu glanced at the doctor, but the doctor didn't stop him, so he yelled again.Another layer of membrane was wrapped around Cheng Zhen, and Xia Yu called out many times before the sound passed through it and entered his ears.

Sound and breath suddenly poured into the vacuum-like world. He raised his head and looked at the direction from which the call came:

"Alyosha..."

Xia Yu ignored the eyes of the doctors and nurses, and knelt down in front of Cheng Zhen's bed, burying his face in his lap.Large swaths of water spread on the hospital gown, and tears poured out of my eyes, unable to wash away the regret in my heart.

Cheng Zhen lowered his head and stroked his hair, the grayish-brown color looked somewhat transparent in the sunlight, and he also remembered their first meeting.At that time, Alyosha was as cold as ice, but his ice layer was too thin, and he could touch the soft sea water below with a light poke, which made him always feel that blue is a warm color, which means warmth. and safe.

It's just that he didn't expect that the sea was too deep, and he could fill it with his whole body and mind, and he couldn't touch his dark bottom.

"Alyosha, why are you gone?"

"I'm sorry, Cheng Zhen, I'm sorry..."

"Are you going to protect me, or are you going to kill me?"

"Sorry……"

"I don't want to hear these three words, can you change the three words?"

Xia Yu raised his head and saw that there seemed to be a gleam of light in those black eyes. He reached out and touched Cheng Zhen's face:

"I love you."

Cheng Zhen smiled, supported that hand, pulled Xia Yu up from the ground, then put his arms around his neck, letting his feet fall to the ground.It took him a long time to stand upright with his own strength, looking into those blue eyes soaked in moisture:

"Can I kiss you?"

Xia Yu froze for a moment, pursing his lips tightly, but Cheng Zhen regarded this as tacit consent, and cupped his face.

After a few weeks, he finally kissed his lips.

Cheng Zhen greedily licked the slit of the lip until it became a little loose, and the soft lips slipped out bit by bit, sucked out of a swollen shape by him.The doctor and nurse gave a dry cough and looked away.So he was even more presumptuous, pulling Xia Yu's hands and letting him wrap his arms around his body, hugging with his whole body like they did when they kissed for the first time.

The dazzled moment made Xia Yu relax his vigilance, he opened his lips slightly, and Cheng Zhen took the opportunity to swallow him, and it was too late to push away——

Blood and pain burst out suddenly, Cheng Zhen's teeth cut his lower lip, sucking his blood frantically.Xia Yu couldn't break free with all his strength, several male nurses immediately pulled Cheng Zhen away and pressed him on the bed.

But it was all too late.

Xia Yu saw that Cheng Zhen had an identical wound on his lip, and the lower half of his face was scarlet, and the two people's blood was fused together, and they were no longer separated from each other.

A needle of stability was pushed into his body, and Cheng Zhen stared firmly into Xia Yu's eyes:

"Alyosha, even if you die, you have to take me with you."

------

38 Indulge in the present

The peak time for mental patients to have accidents is often after family visits.

Cheng Zhen was under 24-hour strict surveillance. In addition to preventing him from committing suicide, he also prevented him from infecting medical staff with possible viruses.However, a week later, not only did he not have any violent behavior, but he also improved at an amazing speed.

Chang Qing couldn't hold it anymore.

Many years ago, she could still beat Xia Yu angrily, but now she no longer has the energy to pursue it, and all her regrets are directed at herself-if 20 years ago, she hadn't put all her energy on work and hadn't let that man Leaving, not moving to the family building of the hospital, can everything be salvaged?

When people encounter misfortune, they usually go back to their memories, thinking that making a different choice at a certain node can change their fate.It can be restored to the situation at that time, and everyone will still make the same decision, because it is their best choice in that situation.

Xia Siwei completely shaken his stubbornness of decades in the successive attacks.He listened to Xia Yu's story without saying a word, frozen like a sculpture, and finally answered with a sigh.

He finally gave up resistance, willingly quit all fields that no longer belonged to him, and began to think about the rest of his life.

On the day Cheng Zhen was discharged from the hospital, it was still Chang Qing and Xia Yu who went to handle it.

Chang Qing didn't deliberately distance himself from Xia Yu, and he didn't say a word to him, but Cheng Zhen kept talking. He seemed quite relaxed when he narrated his experience during this period, and he didn't care about his potential infection at all.

They sent Chang Qing back to the Second Hospital first, and before leaving, Xia Yu bowed deeply to her.Chang Qing still didn't speak, for fear that if she spoke, her emotions would break down beyond control. She had to temporarily suppress her anxiety in her heart, because the patient's life was equally important.

After returning home, Cheng Zhen calmed down.

The room had already been cleaned and the plants replaced with new ones. He sat on the long-lost bed before standing up and hugging Xia Yu:

"I miss you."

Xia Yu closed his eyes.Cheng Zhen carefully touched him with the tip of his nose, and asked again:

"Can I kiss you?"

The tentative vibrato made his voice unfamiliar. How had he ever flinched like this?When had their relationship been so fragile, as if a word, a kiss could break it?Even death couldn't make him afraid, but he was afraid that he would refuse, and he was also afraid that he would run away.

Xia Yu started to feel pain again.

Cheng Zhen is his torn rib, half heart, half body and half soul.

Their pain should have resonated, but he was immersed in the wishful sacrifice and never realized that what he really needed was never to be protected, but to stand by his side and face everything together.His so-called "protection" is tantamount to declaring that his 20 years of pursuit are meaningless, and that sudden parting is tantamount to digging away the most cherished person in his heart.

Cheng Zhen complained countless times that he belittled himself, and now Xia Yu finally saw his proof clearly. In this world, anyone can abandon himself for any reason, only the person holding him will never leave no matter what.

He did not answer in words.

The blood has already merged into one, and nothing can stop this union.

They recalled the night when they first tasted clouds and rain, the memory of the sea water hanging upside down was like a surging tide, and the embrace of the two boys was ecstasy, twisting all the heartstrings.The unbearable weight of life has lost its distinction, all meaning and existence have become blurred, entangled when going to hell, and inseparable when going to heaven.

They are so eager to penetrate each other's body, to pierce each other's soul, to devour everything, and to sacrifice everything.

There will be no more estrangement, no betrayal, and tangled threads will grow from the bloody wounds, wrapping them in red cocoons.There, they dissolve, disappear, have no boundaries, and spread infinitely... turning into a fluid that does not distinguish between you and me. Only in this way can the accumulated wounds of years be eliminated.

Melt love and melt desire.

The past does not exist, the future does not exist, only the light of the present, that is the sea is burning violently, like a love without tomorrow, like all the roads come to an end.

Your breath is my oxygen,

Your hunger is my feast

Your captivity is my freedom

you are my everything

my softness, my strength

my dream, my code

my mental turmoil

the noise of my body

my Cheng Zhen

my aliosha

After the [-]-week waiting period expired, Cheng Zhen accompanied Xia Yu to the CDC.

Workers are removing the sign of the epidemic prevention station and giving the building a new name.They looked at each other and smiled, and there seemed to be an omen in the dark that after today, they would also lead a brand new life.

During the few days waiting for the test results, they lived and loved each other as usual, no one was afraid, and no one cared about the piece of paper.Seeing the "female" on the list, Xia Yu just smiled lightly, without ecstasy, he handed it to Cheng Zhen casually, and turned his head to chase his kiss.

Cheng Zhen also didn't care much about the results. The only thing he cared about was his own test, which had to wait for a few more weeks.This reminded him that many years ago, they got the results of the college entrance examination and the high school entrance examination one after the other, which made him a little resentful.

"If you hadn't run away, we could have detected the results at the same time and got two identical pieces of paper at the same time," his voice became lower and his face became more and more red, "it's like getting a certificate..."

Xia Yu laughed out loud: "You think this is the Civil Affairs Bureau?"

Cheng Zhen ran a few steps quickly in embarrassment, to shake off the cloud of hot air around them, and when his cheeks cooled down, he turned around and urged:

"Hurry up, don't let my mother and your father cook, the things they cook are not edible at all!"

The two parents sat on the sofa to discuss the case, while the young man soaked in the kitchen, suppressing the excessive laughter from time to time.

Cheng Zhen secretly visited the door, and still shook his head when he came back: "The two of them dawdle any longer, and this life will be over."

Xia Yu was very indifferent, changing the food without haste.

Cheng Zhen had many absurd delusions again, imagining those hands cutting and suturing his body, not only did he not feel bloody, but also had a strange sex appeal.Of course, he didn't dare to tell Xia Yu this idea, and he wouldn't let himself become his patient, because they were one, and he would feel the same pain when the needles were put on him.

His own test report was the same "negative" a few weeks later, with a difference of four weeks, just like their age difference of four years.

Cheng Zhen regretted again, Xia Yu stopped saying sorry, and kissed instead.

"There will be a re-examination in three months. I'll wait for you."

He took out another long box from his pocket, took out a pair of plain glasses and put them on: "I will be more careful in the future."

The lenses added depth to those blue eyes, and Cheng Zhen was hit suddenly.In front of the crowd, their bodies maintained a distance of courtesy, righteousness and shame, but their spirits completed a filthy intercourse in the void.

Xia Yu squeezed his fingers: "Wait for me at night."

Cheng Zhen had no choice but to let him go, standing alone on the snowy street, braving the burning heat.

He suddenly remembered that in a few days it would be the end of the world according to legend, and scenes from movies flashed through his mind, and he felt that it was not terrible.The darkest days have long passed, and nothing can shake them anymore. It was not life and death that almost destroyed them, but the original heart that was once lost when facing death.

It is too expensive to find it.

He came to the sales office again. After a few months, of course no one reserved the suite for him. He circled around the sand table that he had been so excited about, and lost interest in this real estate.

In the spring of the following year, a new apartment will be built on the former site of the family building of the No. [-] Hospital. It will be a high-rise building with modern configurations, which can satisfy all his imagination of "home".

Their meeting room faced the direction of the Second Provincial Hospital, overlooking the entire courtyard.

Every morning, Xia Yu would wake up in the same bed as him. There was no need to catch the morning bus, and there was no need to rush for breakfast. They could spend time together leisurely.And Cheng Zhen can also lie on the window sill, accompany Alyosha with his eyes on the way to work, and then return to his desk to start a day's work...

Everything seems to return to the original point, and it seems to start a new cycle.

Cheng Zhen walked on the familiar street. In the past 20 years, the scenery around him has changed a lot. The building is still an old building, but it has been painted with a new exterior paint. We can only infer its appearance from the outline.He vaguely recalled the days when Xia Yu took him on a parade by bike, and was awakened to that drunken dizziness again.

There were many Russian business houses on the old street, and he walked into one of them. A Slavic girl with light hair and eyes greeted him in Chinese, and he returned the language of their motherland, picking up a bottle of vodka that he drank in Moscow.

Cheng Zhen didn't know why he bought alcohol. Life itself was enough to make them intoxicated, so why use alcohol?He was shaking the transparent glass bottle, the printed blue was very similar to the color of Alyosha's eyes, the sun was shining through the clear liquid, and the blue was also rippling in front of his eyes.

He is drunk.

Perhaps 20 years ago, before he tasted alcohol, he had already experienced what it means to be drunk, but he still doesn't want to wake up.He is still willing to continue to get drunk for the next 20 years, the next 20 years, and more 20 years...

As for whether Alyosha is willing or not, Cheng Zhen will never have to ask.

Because the next drunken night, he would prove it to him himself.

--Finish--