Chasing death and chasing north

After my elder brother got engaged, he didn't stop playing at night, and I still acted as his substitute.

One night in his bed, I dreamed of all kinds of unbearable situations with him naked, and when I woke up, I found that my lower body was wet.

At this time, I knew almost nothing about men and women, and I was not particularly curious. Whenever my brothers or aunts talked about it, I still vaguely understood, and I never tried to figure it out. But now that this kind of thing happened, I was full of confusion. Unspeakable, I wiped the bodily fluids on the quilt and bed sheet indiscriminately, and left in a hurry.

My elder brother came to look for me in the afternoon the next day, with a faint smile on his face.

"Didn't anyone find out last night?"

"...No, everything, everything is fine."

The person I saw in the dream was standing in front of me alive. I hesitated and dared not look at him, and I felt guilty when I heard that there was something in his words.

he laughed. "Why are you ashamed? It's a good thing to be an adult. I'll tell my mother later, let's celebrate tonight!"

It turns out that this is becoming an adult.He didn't know why I became like that, but I was still so ashamed that I wanted to go into a hole in the ground and not let him tell anyone no matter what.

After talking for a long time, he finally agreed not to spread the word, but he thought of another idea, grabbed my arm and said, "Let's go! Brother will take you to a good place to see and see."

He carelessly called his servants to prepare the car, the attendant glanced at me and said, "This is not good, if the Lord and Madam find out..."

He waved his hand. "Today is different from usual, even if you want you to set off firecrackers to send us out, it is not unreasonable."

I've never blushed as much in my life as I did then.

The car he prepared was very simple, and there was no sign of Zheng Gongfu, it was his habitual use when going out for pleasure.

After traveling for half an hour, the carriage stopped, and my elder brother ordered Xu Shi to pick it up, and the attendant and coachman turned around together.

We are in a not-so-broad street, with colorful flags on both sides, all of which are intriguing plaques and wine flags. The sky is not dark now, and there are few pedestrians walking around. It was very lively.

Hearing him bragging on the road, I expected that most of the places I was going to would be the place of fireworks, but I wasn't too surprised when I arrived.We walked all the way, and the turtle slaves and prostitutes standing by the side of the road couldn't stop trying to attract them. Sometimes my brother would reply with a few lewd words, which made the other party pretend to laugh and scold.This is where my brother lingered, although I knew what kind of person he was, I couldn't help frowning, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

The elder brother stopped in front of a rather elegant looking gate, and Gui Nu's eyes lit up, and he immediately greeted him. "Grandpa, it's so early today! Please come inside." He said and ushered us in.

The layout and various decorations of that brothel are not as tacky as I imagined. After looking around, I lowered my head sullenly. My brother is obviously a regular customer. As soon as I entered the main hall, I was surrounded by water. Listening to the maids' names, I don't know his real identity, so I think he is a generous guest.

My elder brother talked for a while with a heavily made-up woman who was about forty years old, and rewarded a few maids who were serving tea attentively, and then led me into the elegant room.

Two well-dressed ladies came over to pour tea, but I didn't raise my head, and ignored them to strike up a conversation. I only saw two pairs of white and tender hands with scarlet red tips.

Then someone opened the door and came in, and there was another gust of fragrant wind.

The elder brother stood up and said to the man: "My younger brother, I will trouble you."

"You don't have to worry about what Sun Gongzi is saying. I promise to take care of this young master comfortably. Speaking of which, it's been a long time since I've had a first meal. I'd like to thank you very much."

The woman giggled after she finished speaking, her voice was pleasant, but the content made me very embarrassed.

I couldn't listen to what my brother said before he left. I was just worried about what was going to happen next. I didn't look up until I heard the door open again. I saw him standing outside the door. I probably had a very bad face. He He gave me a soothing smile and closed the door gently.

I stared at the closed wooden door, as if there was an afterimage of his ordinary face.

I stood up and wanted to catch that smile, but suddenly my waist tightened, and a piece of soft flesh stuck to my back, uneven.

"My lord, would you like to sit down and have a cup of tea?"

I turn back.It has grown so fast in recent years that it is necessary to look down to see the woman's face.

The woman is about in her early twenties, her bun is pulled up high, and her bright steps swing gently on her left head.She is not like the heavy makeup of those women in the hall, but her eyebrows and lips are drawn, but her beauty is much better than theirs, and her figure is also slender. I only need to look down a little, and I can see that the tube top cannot be wrapped plump breasts.

Noticing that I looked away abruptly, she covered her mouth with a chuckle and winked at me.That expression is extremely charming, as soft as water is about to drip.The aunts in the family are also very beautiful, but they are not in the same style as hers at all. I somewhat understand why the men in the family with many wives and concubines still hang around the Qinlou Chu Pavilion.

Forcefully erasing that ordinary face just now from my mind, I turned around and hugged her.

This prostitute is an old hand and took good care of me.Entering a woman's body for the first time, the feeling of being wrapped in the hot and wet body of the opposite sex should have been very beneficial, and the process was indeed joyful, but when I woke up from the heat, I only felt sadness in my heart.

I don't know when it started, my body moved instinctively, and my mind was only frantically imagining that it was my brother who licked my crotch with my mouth, I touched every inch of his skin, and he used his usual clear voice frantically Moaning, I entered him, digging and digging deeper...

Obviously that is my elder brother, but I actually... I am finished.

"Did I just say something?"

"No." The woman's panting has not yet calmed down, but she looks at me calmly, perhaps with some pity.

I never went to a brothel again, so people praised me for my cleanliness and cleanliness, which was outstanding.

Gradually become less of brother's follower.On the one hand, I deliberately avoided it, and on the other hand, he was busy.Busy with her marriage, the court gave her a real job, so she is no longer the rich and idle person she was when she was young.

Not wanting to see him every day, forced to smile, but really not seeing him, but it is another kind of distress.I can't help myself with my troubles, so I often go out.

I am a concubine, and my mother is not alive, so as long as no troubles are caused, the care at home is much more relaxed than that of my elder brother, and I can handle things well.

Claiming to be the son of a wealthy farmer in the suburbs of Beijing, he travels alone. Although he dare not leave the border of Guanzhong due to the court's laws, the strange people and strange things outside the high walls of the Duke's Mansion are enough to open my eyes.

I have also invited masters to compete, invited high-ranking guests to drink, and played with beauties. I have met more than three sects and high-ranking people. Getting along with these friends does not have to consider gains and losses, and does not need to be wary of bureaucratic schemes. It is the most comfortable and joyful.

At that time, I didn't think about what I could get from them, but along the way, I deeply felt the beauty of the country and the shortness of life. I am a good man, and it is ridiculous to entrust all my thoughts to emotions that will never bear fruit.

After a few days like this, the boredom in my heart has indeed eased a lot.Sometimes I think it’s better to never return to Beijing like this. Even if I lack the support at home, I can carry it on my shoulders and hands, and I may not be able to live on my own. Abandon.

Within Guanzhong, it can be called the foot of the Son of Heaven. It stands to reason that the scholars and people should be richer and richer than other places, but what they saw along the way was by no means what my father wrote in the congratulatory form, "Yu Yu clarifies, and the world returns to his heart."

Layers upon layers of exploitation, many farmers are willing to destroy their homes and become monks or even slaves to avoid taxation; the administration of officials is also extremely corrupt. I helped a few students who were unable to become officials due to their birth or family circumstances to buy officials with money, without hindrance; I heard from my friends that there were civil uprisings in various places, which almost overwhelmed the court, but I didn't see it with my own eyes.

The winter solstice is approaching in a blink of an eye, and I have been away for more than half a year, and I miss him more and more.

I know that this life is hopeless, but as long as I go back and see him once, two or three times, it is really an easy thing to do.Or after this period of separation, when I see him again, I will find that the evil thought is only from my imagination, and has nothing to do with him, and I can see him as an ordinary brother again from now on.

After weighing for a long time, I still made up my mind to say goodbye to my friends and return to Beijing on horseback.

After all, it has only been more than half a year, and everything at home remains the same.The fifth younger brother was the only one who showed that he was happy for me to go home, and he kept asking about what he had seen outside, but unfortunately I didn't come back with a fluent tongue, and he ran away angrily after a while.

Back in my room, the wet nurse and the original personal attendant came in with my favorite snacks, and wept with joy without saying a few words.

Looking at them, although I have reminded myself many times that anyone in this family will only get close to each other for the sake of benefit, I still feel uncontrollably warm, even if I just think that their life will be better after I come back , nor can it be said that the intentions are sinister, let alone a fault.

I went to see my mother, she lost some weight.I would rush home with letters when I was away, but I received very few replies, and they were written by the housekeeper, so I didn't bother to write much later.It was mentioned in the letter that she was in poor health, so I handed over to my mother's personal servant along with a few prescriptions for the symptoms I found and some nourishing things.

She praised a few words, asked a little about what she had seen outside, and didn't seem particularly concerned.My mother has always been dignified and prudent, and this attitude was expected, so I didn't mind, so I picked up some insignificant things from a foreign land and told her about them. After sitting for a while, I saw that she was a little tired, so I left.

The elder brother's job as the head of the Taipu Temple is just a idle job, but the pilgrimage is unavoidable. Like his father, he will not return from the government office until evening.Although my elder brother has not been in office for a long time, colleagues often invite him to get together, so it will be later.

After lunch, I went around with my aunt's siblings again. There are three younger sisters who are of marriageable age and have already married.My mother has a son and a daughter. The eldest daughter is the same age as me but slightly older. This elder sister is not close to me at all, and she married before my elder brother got married.

I had a ghost in my heart, and I didn't take the initiative to ask anyone about my brother, but my aunts talked the most, and the content was nothing more than a brothel girl where he fell in love with.

In fact, if it weren't for the father's concubines sitting bored all day long, they could only talk about their parents' gossip with each other, it wouldn't be worth talking about.Elder brother's flair is also well-known among the dignitaries in the capital. He married the princess of King Gonglu a year ago. Half a year later, he married the daughters of two officials' families as concubines on the same day. Now he has one wife and one concubine. She is pregnant, and Sanxiali is safe for the time being.

My elder brother has never been satisfied with such a blessing, and the number of night outings after marriage has not decreased. The only difference is that I don't need my help to cover it up, so that it becomes known to everyone.

In the embellished narration of the aunts, I understand that the number of women he has loved can't be counted on both hands, but recently, a little special, he insisted on marrying that woman.

Maybe it's because I knew what kind of person he was before I was aware of my own feelings. I don't have any special feelings about my brother's romantic history.He is a womanizer, playing one game after another, his sincerity is only for a moment at most, when he gets tired of one, he will chase the next one.

Although those women are pathetic, they once owned his body, and I will never be the object of his sex appeal. Compared with blood relationship, this kind of despair is nothing.

At night, eat with your father and brothers according to the rules.

As soon as I saw my elder brother, I knew that my plan to become an ordinary brother had failed.He is almost exactly the same as the one in memory, neither good-looking nor uglier. After getting married, he has gained some composure, although it is limited.He was so excited that he almost rushed over and hugged me.

"You kid, you've been away for so long, and you didn't even think to go home and have a look!" He thumped my back with a force that would not hurt anyone. It was completely between men and brothers.

He must not have imagined the immoral reaction of his body when he hugged his younger brother tightly.

I comforted myself in my heart, if the other brothers had been away for a long time, they might not have received such a warm greeting, so I should feel satisfied.

I'm the closest brother, and that's all he can give, and it's something I've earned myself bit by bit since childhood.

According to the rules of the Duke's Mansion, or all the big families in the capital, women's family members are not allowed to sit at the table. Today is a family banquet, so there is no such restraint. The mother and aunts all came with their children, and the whole family sat at three tables.

Father came home late and didn't send someone to report to eat outside, so we had to wait for him.My elder brother told me that my father often doesn't come back for dinner, and today is to clean up the dust for me, so he has to be there no matter how late it is.

I thought to myself, my brother's smoothness seems to no longer need my mother's training.

When my father put down the first chopsticks, it was already Xu Shizheng. During the dinner, my father was still indifferent to me, and my brother was as kind as before.

The dinner ended safely, and my father went to the study on his own. After waiting for a long time, he didn't call me to have a conversation.

After getting married, King Gonglu built a new house for his daughter and son-in-law next door to the Duke's Mansion. There is a side door connecting the two houses.Due to the limited rank of the owner, this house is naturally not as magnificent as the Duke's Mansion, but it is also elegant and exquisite, which fits well with my brother's taste.

My elder brother took me to meet the three sisters-in-law. The princess has been pregnant for more than eight months, but she still has persistent morning sickness and is weak.

"Did you see it? A tigress." The elder brother pointed in the direction of the inner hall dejectedly, "You have to inquire carefully. If it is a woman who is known to be arrogant and indulgent, no matter what her parents say or how rich her dowry Don't promise it."

I laugh. "Keep a little respect in each other's hearts, so we can live in peace in the future."

My mother also talked about my marriage before, and she was probably already looking for someone.The marriages of each of our brothers and sisters will be decided in the same way, and this is understood from childhood.For me, no matter how good a woman is, I can only treat her with respect in my life.

The elder brother tied a knot between his brows, and came closer to look at me carefully.

His alcohol-scented breath blew on my face, and his scrutinizing eyes kept wandering around.It's been a long time since I had such contact with him, knowing that he didn't have any other thoughts, but I couldn't help moving my body away a little, I didn't know where to put my hands and feet.

"I don't look haggard, why are you talking more and more like an old man? Did you encounter unhappy things outside?"

"No, I'm fine, and I've made a lot of good friends. It's never been so lively." I tried my best to focus on reminiscing about my previous roaming experience. I didn't want to see his face, which was only a few inches away, but I always held back Can't live.

"Then," the corners of his mouth suddenly curled into an unreasonable arc, and my heart beat like a drum. "I met a peerless beauty, Erlang, you are interested in falling flowers, but she is ruthless?"

Although it is not in the middle, it is not far away!I managed to hold up my smiling face, and said, "I'm such an ignorant and rude person, so I'm not as good as you, big brother."

The elder brother patted his thigh, and said: "That's right! You are just boring! Who likes to look at you with a sullen face all day long? You, just use this face to smile like that in front of a woman, and you don't even need to click your fingers. I'm sure They flock to it.”

He finally returned to his normal sitting posture, and I felt like a huge boulder fell to the ground, and I tried my best to resist the urge to wipe the cold sweat on my forehead.

"The things in the Fengyue field are really not my expertise, so don't laugh at me anymore, big brother."

Afterwards, he kept talking about that woman, and as long as I echoed his tone a few times, the conversation could continue smoothly.

I hardly listened to what he was saying, just looked at him intently.

This is the face of an ordinary young man. When he is in high spirits, he has a certain temperament, and his eyes are quite bright. A person who indulges in women should have sloppy feet and dull eyes. He doesn't have these symptoms, but he can't say anything Not good looking.

I have seen countless men and women who have surpassed him in appearance, and many of them have expressed their affection for me, but none of them can make me feel like being with him, just a little closer, but exchanging a few words, the whole chest is covered. Stuffed with the unknown.

Too much emotion makes me afraid, I even have the urge to cry, I want to hug him hard, I want to enter his body, I want to take him away from this house, and spend my life with me incognito. These delusions often make me abnormal Excitement, but also after the illusory happiness reached the extreme, I felt embarrassed and self-loathing again and again.

"I'm really stumped this time. I'm willing to do anything for her. Even if my father refuses to agree, I will try my best to be with her."

Hearing someone say this in my ear, I subconsciously replied: "Yes, it should be so!"

That's the courage I don't have, I can only envy, maybe the barriers faced by the speaker are not as high as I am...

In a daze, the elder brother who was talking excitedly on the other side jumped up suddenly, rushed to the front, held my hand and shook it desperately. "I knew you were the only one who would help me, Erlang! You are indeed my best brother!"

I stared blankly at his white hands for a long time, wishing I could slap myself a dozen or twenty times.

"He Yin, this is Erlang Zhao'an whom I often mention."

I don't know when the dance will end, and the light and lively woman on the stage has come to me at this time.I have seen a beauty who is better than her, and I think the same is true for my brother. For a woman who has made a name in the world, her appearance is not as important as her temperament.Elder brother supported her waist, pointed towards me, but focused his eyes on the beloved.

Yes, beloved, at least for now.

I'm terrified.Before I knew it, my brother had such a completely different face that shone with anticipation, joy, love, and mixed with male desire that was hard to ignore.

"I have seen the second son." The woman Yingying bowed down.

I bow in return. "Miss Heyin's dancing skills are amazing, really admirable."

The woman covered her mouth with a smile, leaned over and whispered something in her brother's ear, and the brother whispered back to her, she suddenly blushed and pouted to feign anger, the brother laughed loudly and held her in his arms, she struggled slightly, Immediately, the whole person fell into the arms of his elder brother, and the two were deeply affectionate, acting as if no one was around for a while.

I stared blankly.This is normal love between men and women.

He is a son of a nobleman, and she is a humble actress. Even if they are not in the right family, the relationship between them can still be confessed to everyone, and even ask for sympathy, but I can only shrink in the darkest corner exuding rot Watching them face all kinds of difficulties and dangers together in order to be together, after the vigorous and vigorous, whether they get married in the end or break up in two, it is enough to be called a legend.

After talking with the woman in a low voice for a while, the elder brother seemed to suddenly think of me, turned his head and said: "Erlang, you see that He Yin and I are inseparable, but my father refuses to let me, Na He Yin, in no matter what. Really annoying!"

"A gentleman has the beauty of being an adult. Eldest brother and Miss Heyin are sincerely in love. In time, father will be able to understand. If there is something useful for Zhao'an, elder brother just speak up."

These words flowed out of my mouth smoothly without thinking, as if there was another person inside me who was dedicated to being a "good brother".

The elder brother quickly thanked her, and the woman knelt down in gratitude... In the future, Zheng Guogong's Mrs. Ru is indeed the best way to become a good man.

"Thank you, Second Young Master." She cried.

The "good brother" living in my body hurried over to help.

"Don't dare to be, hurry up, please hurry up!"

Before touching her sleeve, the elder brother has already picked her up and brought her into his arms again.I have never seen such an obvious possessiveness of my brother.

There is a pair of Bi people in that room, cuddling each other.

too dazzling.Cannot be blessed, cannot be tolerated.

I said goodbye, my brother hugged the woman with a smile on his face, he just waved to me casually, and ignored her.

Looking at his empty hands along the way, the burning anger and jealousy gradually started a prairie fire.

He is the proud son of heaven, he has a rich future, a beautiful wife and a beautiful family member, a confidant, everything is complete, and soon he will have children around his knees, but I have nothing, why am I the only one who has to suffer this kind of torture?I will never be able to convey the slightest bit of what I think in my heart to him. I can only watch him sit on all the beautiful things and drift away from me.

I'm not happy to fall in love with him, I know it's impossible, I don't say anything, I don't do anything, I try to escape, I try my best, and I fail in the end.

Who put me in this situation?Is it me?Why should I suffer?

Is it mother?She left me alone in this world, made me bear the faults that did not belong to me, and was despised and despised by everyone.

Is it mother?She just pretended to be fake, and she couldn't even make it leak, which made me give up on all relatives and friendships early on.

Is it father?He doesn't care about me, even the fifth younger brother can get his warm words, only I am like a lonely ghost, no one takes a second look.

Is it my aunt's brothers and sisters?If each of them can treat me sincerely, why can I only follow my brother every day, and in the end only have my brother in my eyes?

Only not brother.Brother is not wrong, brother doesn't know anything.Not being able to understand my mind is the fault of worldly prejudices; becoming a thoroughly vulgar man is the fault of everyone's connivance; being fascinated by a brothel maiko is the fault of the woman who dreamed of marrying into a wealthy family.

Elder brother should be the cleanest. The imperfection I see on his body is the color painted on by others forcibly, and has nothing to do with elder brother himself.My brother should be as kind and cheerful as before. Very early on, he seemed to be shining in my eyes.

For the sake of my brother, one day I will clean up those unsightly dirty traces.