Jonson's Diary

August 2018, 3, sunny

I don't want to write a diary anymore, and I don't know why I agreed to write a diary. Sometimes, I find that when I finish writing a word, an hour has passed.

The decline of memory, I watched the memory palace gradually disappear, first the notebook in the house, then the house, then the planet, and finally I disappeared too.

When I write this short paragraph, a day has passed.

It is late at night and the moon is shining brightly.

Goodnight world.

March 2018, 3, light rain

Xue Lin didn't eat lunch or breakfast, so he called and asked me to bring him food, but I didn't respond, neither answered the call nor returned the message.

I know that he just wanted to find a reason to let me go, intending to shorten the distance I deliberately opened. That guy is not an idiot and domineering president. On the contrary, he has the IQ and EQ that this position should have.

Xue Lin has always been like this, looking silly and like a dandy, but in fact he is as shrewd as his elder brother.If Xue Lin's father is an old fox and his elder brother is a lone wolf, then he is a lazy lion, lazy, and if he is underestimated, he will be counterattacked.

He sensed the fact that I was alienating him.

so what?

Even if you know that the person who hurt you has a hard time, you will still be hurt and suffer. Some things cannot be eliminated by saying "I have a hard time, and I am for your own good".

The damage has been done and cannot be undone.

Xue Lin taught me this sentence.At that time, we spent the summer vacation at my grandmother's house.

He was lying on a chair, with lush green mulberry trees behind him, and the mottled sunlight scattered on the ground, peaceful and leisurely.

While spitting out watermelon seeds, Xue Lin scolded my grandfather for being irresponsible.

There are no scumbag plots such as cheating and flirting, but my grandfather has cancer, which is in the advanced stage of lung cancer.My grandmother could not accept this result at all.

Grandma said to me wearily: "Qiao Song, your grandfather doesn't smoke or drink, and he lives a healthy life. He goes out to exercise with me every day. He is in good health. He never gets sick, and he doesn't even catch a few colds. As a result..."

I was young at the time and didn’t understand anything, but now that I think about it, maybe it’s fate!Like me, like my grandfather.

Grandpa did something stupid in Xue Lin's eyes - beating and scolding my grandma crazily, the reason was that he hoped my grandma would live a good life after forgetting him.

Grandma also knows that grandpa wants her to live a good life, but in this case, the development of things is completely uncontrollable.

Grandpa finally parted ways with grandma, and grandma hired senior nurses for him and gave him the best life possible, but my grandma was no longer in his life.

Decades of love for each other is gone, and my grandmother touched the long scar on her face and said to me: "Qiao Song, disappointment is like a stone, and it will accumulate over time and pave the way to leave."

From then on, my grandmother was alone and died of depression.

Someone scolded my grandma for being snobby, she left when her husband failed, she is a flirtatious cousin, the malice of people is far more terrifying than I imagined.

Even when I was in kindergarten, no one played with me. As for the reason, it is self-evident.

Later, we moved.

Met Xue Lin.

Compared with me, I always feel that grandma likes Xue Lin more.Xue Lin would secretly eat the rose sugar that grandma used for dessert in the kitchen.While scolding him, grandma stuffed a small bottle of rose sugar into his hand.

Honestly, quite jealous.Grandma is very strict, but she smiles brightly at Xue Lin. I haven't seen a smile in years.

Although the vertical and horizontal scars on my face when I smile will be terrible, but I think it may not be my future dream.

Speaking of this incident, Xue Lin was furious, with a ferocious expression on his face, and said through gritted teeth: "Go! I will definitely beat him to the teeth!"

I just told him: "I don't want to expose grandma." Who knows if the two of us will be found out, and grandpa will find out grandma's current address?

Although she was persuaded by me, Xue Rin still looked quite angry.

"He's not a man at all, he doesn't take any responsibility at all! He can either simply die, don't leave any information, or just live a good life and share adversity or something difficult?"

"He is like this. He wants to die but deliberately discloses information to grandma. He just wants to trap grandma—look! What a man I am! I'm dying and still thinking about you, shouldn't you treat me more? better?"

It makes sense, but I think the more layered reason is low self-esteem.He was afraid that one day, my grandma couldn't stand him leaving.

I have also seriously thought about the future.

In kindergarten, if I want to be strong, it doesn’t matter if no one plays with me. I can’t worry my grandma. Grandma has worked very hard. In the future, I will learn a lot of things and protect my grandma.

Build a big house and hire a lot of people, so that grandma doesn't have to worry about bits and pieces every day, she can continue to pursue her career and dreams, and leave the rest to me!

Grandma can do whatever she wants, I'll cover her!

In elementary school, I wrote an essay titled: I want to be a doctor who saves lives and heals the wounded, but it’s all nonsense.

She is old, her health is not good, she always coughs, always has endless medicines, and her knees hurt so much that she can't sleep on rainy days.

This magnificent, legendary person is my hero, and my hero is finally crushed by her husband's sex and people's ugly malice and jealousy.

In middle school, with Xue Lin's company, he spent a lot of effort to get out of the shadow of his grandmother's death.

When a person dies like a lamp goes out, there is no heaven or hell, there is only nothingness, a period of darkness.

Maybe I can work hard and get admitted to the same high school and university as Xue Lin, and be brothers all my life, full of children and grandchildren, happy and happy.

When I was in high school, I was vaguely aware of the distance between Xue Lin and us. We often kissed. This is not something that can be solved by a buddy.

I thought, we will be together for a long time, Xue Rin's past, present, and future have my shadow.

Plant a few potted flowers, raise a dog or a cat, and live in a noisy apartment.Xue Rin might ask to buy a few bottles of wine, but I bought a bunch of milk, and made a fuss over the gossip, and held the other's hand in a blink of an eye.

We may have lost a lot because of choosing each other, but what we lost was in exchange for a hug from each other, and I think it was worth it.

I hope we live like this until our bodies are buried.

When I was in college, some people approached me, both men and women, but I rejected them one by one.An Huai asked me why, I said I was waiting for someone, he might come or he might not come.

It's not bad for me to live like this. I have a job to support myself, and I can sneak out to play occasionally. If I have nothing to do, I can meet Anhuai and the others, have some barbecue, have a hot pot meal, and chat about the current situation.

As for Xue Rin, he will come whenever he can, no matter if he doesn't come back, no matter what, I wish him happiness.

These messy dreams can no longer be called dreams, but extravagant hopes.

How easy is it to destroy a person's dreams?It's so simple that I can't describe it.