I just want you to be well

After I took a shower, the screen of my mobile phone just turned on. Before I could put on my pajamas, I picked up my mobile phone and saw the picture Xiao Le sent me.

That's our photo at school.

He grinned and smiled upwards, blinked his eyes, held his graduation cap in his left hand, and his right hand was slightly upward, which coincided with my right hand.I foolishly looked down at Xiao Le and laughed, there were a few smile lines on the corners of my mouth that shouldn't be there.

While seeing Xiao Le's funny smile, I couldn't forget to complain about the pixels of the SLR.

I am not afraid of getting old, but more haggard.

"Cough cough cough".It started again.

I suddenly remembered that after a busy day in the morning, I went back to the company in the afternoon to catch up with the rose report, but forgot that I didn't take medicine today.

I keep all the pills that Dr. Xu regularly prescribed to me in the office drawer, and only very occasionally, I pack them up and take them on the road.When Spring Festival and Xiao Le returned to Beijing, the candy he found in his pocket almost terrified me.Luckily I mixed alpine hard candy with the medicine.

I really don't want Xiao Le to know all this.

Before Xiao Le met me, I had already experienced the same symptoms as other patients, but I still didn't take it seriously.The flu that accompanied the sore throat and the high fever that persisted for several days forced me to ask for leave to recuperate at home.At that time, how I wish I could have someone by my side to accompany me and take care of me.I didn't think about eating or drinking, my body was very weak, and my face was so haggard that even the half-covered beard couldn't hide it.After finally getting through the fever, I often woke up in the middle of the night sweating.I often couldn’t help but have diarrhea in the company. At that time, I thought it must be a bad cold caused by blowing the air conditioner in the office, or food poisoning.Later, I followed the example of other friends in the circle to apply for a fitness card, and went to the gym to exercise and keep fit, thinking that exercise can increase resistance, even though I didn't go there several times a week.

One day after three months, I suddenly felt faint while working at my desk, my ears started ringing, and my head started to hurt.I took several painkillers, but to no avail.After finally getting off work, I found a friend in the circle for dinner, and he asked me rather worriedly, "Are you sure you are just sick?"

I didn't give him an affirmative answer.

"Brother Jun, I didn't scare you. How long has it been since you went for a test?"

I was suddenly intimidated by this question. Thinking about it carefully, it has been two years.

"If you haven't been tested for a long time, please take a leave of absence tomorrow. I'm worried whether your recent physical condition is related to this disease."

And the next day, the afternoon when Xiao Le bumped into me, I got the answer to my abnormality from Dr. Xu.

"How is that possible? Positive?", I asked in disbelief.

"That's what was written in the report." I can't forget Dr. Xu's expression at that time, calm and serious.

"Impossible, how is it possible. I have always taken safety measures, and it is impossible for this to happen to me."

"Are you sure?" Dr. Xu asked, "Even if you think you have taken safety measures, if you change your sexual partner too often, or even ejaculate without a condom during a certain sexual act, it does not necessarily mean your chance of infection Very low."

I was speechless.His expression was already petrified.

"I hope you can come back for a comprehensive examination as soon as possible, so that we can better track your stage of AIDS, and then treat you accordingly."

"What if I don't treat it?"

"You mean to give up?" She asked suspiciously, "Mr. Wei, I don't suggest you do this."

"why?"

"If we find that your AIDS is only in the early stage, you can still live for a long time through cocktail therapy, no different from ordinary people."

I didn't listen carefully at the time.I only know that the moment I walked out of the center, my mood was broken.I feel that the sky is gray and the world is black.

My pessimism is at fault again.The arrival of AIDS is equivalent to a sentence of my death.I developed a distaste for life like never before.All that remains in my heart is hatred for the injustice of this world. Who on earth gave me the disease?And how do I find this person?In the vast sea of ​​people, people who have been dating are like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Now that you don't live long, let's indulge and take revenge.

That was my darkest thought at the time.

And it was at that time that I met Xiaole.It was him who gradually took me out of the haze of life.

Although I am used to the occasional night when Xiao Le is not at home, I still can't help but miss him.Rather than loving him, it is better to say that I am used to his company, his gentleness, and everything about his existence.

Before meeting him, sex and love, going to bed and being with him were two different things.Dating sex is only a temporary antidote to loneliness, but a bed partner can never replace the company you desire.The bottom of the hole of desire is infinite, and no amount of guns can fill it.

And now, I just want him to be by my side.I'm being selfish because I don't want to be sick and die alone.I'd rather someone stay by my bed and watch me slowly go away.

But I know, isn't this cruel to the other half?

I know in my heart that Xiao Le is not the only one who worries about gains and losses.This is the biggest fear left in my heart besides death.I am the one who is sick, I am the one who is afraid of infecting him with germs, and I am the one who is predicted to die in advance.I will eventually leave Xiaole early, and he will also lose his love in his youth.That pain, I've been through.But this time, it will be upgraded to a tragic parting.

He may not know that when he is uneasy about our relationship, I am also afraid of what kind of ending this relationship will bring us.The more he was afraid of my leaving, the less I wanted to face the fact that I was going to leave him.

Before Xiaole and I agreed to have a comprehensive examination together, I had already gone back to Dr. Xu for a follow-up consultation without telling him.

In fact, I am afraid to face my truest self alone, a self suffering from HIV, and I don't even know how long I can live.

However, Xiao Le rekindled my hope of being alive.I think for him, it is a day to fight for one more day.It's just that maybe God is too jealous of me, and even wants to deprive me of the days that let me love Xiaole more.

"Mr. Wei..." Dr. Xu looked at the report in astonishment. I can't forget her expression at that time, "I'm afraid... this is a particularly difficult battle for you."

My hands began to tremble, my face became stiff, and my mouth tried to move but there was no strength.

"Your current CD value is very low. If you don't take medicine, I'm afraid your resistance will not even have the ability to resist common diseases..."

"What is the CD value? Why do I suddenly..."

"The CD value includes CD4 cells, CD8 cells and β2 microglobulin and other related marker values ​​for detecting AIDS. Judging from the current values, your body's immunity is very low, and you need to take medicine as soon as possible. Otherwise, you may soon enter the onset of AIDS. Expect."

"Is it the late stage?", I could feel my complexion was very pale and powerless.

Dr. Xu did not speak, nor nodded, "You must start taking the medicine today", her eyes were very firm, "In order to survive, you must do this."

I sneered, "If it was just for myself, I wouldn't be here today."

"Anyway, you can get the medicine later. But I have to remind you that these medicines must be taken in combination, and the side effects will be particularly severe during the medicine. You will easily feel fatigue and vomiting, and in your case , it is not ruled out that drug resistance will appear earlier than the average patient."

"If I take medicine, how long can I last?"

"Surely you'll live longer than you would if you didn't take the medicine."

"Doctor Xu, tell me, I really want to know how long I have left," I begged.

"If you're lucky and your body doesn't develop drug resistance, you won't be able to escape for five years."

"What if I'm not that lucky?", I asked with a sneer.

"Two or three years," she said perfunctorily.

I couldn't react, so I slumped on the chair stiffly.While Dr. Xu was working on my materials, I pondered for a while, and suddenly came up with a plan in my mind.

"Doctor Xu?"

She stopped what she was doing, "What?"

I sincerely begged, "Can you do me a favor?"

She looked puzzled, "What's the matter?"

"Actually, I promised my other half to come for an examination next week. But I don't want him to know that my illness is already so serious." I couldn't look directly at Dr. Xu.

She was silent for a while, "Have you told him about your illness?"

I nodded.

"You had sex?"

I immediately denied it, "No. We didn't make it to the end. We just hugged and kissed."

"Including the mouth?" She seemed to have no qualms about gay topics.

"When he wanted to help me, I stopped him."

She nodded with satisfaction, "But why did you do this? It won't do him any harm to tell him the truth about you."

"No," I retorted, "I really love him, but I'm more afraid that if he knows I don't have much time left, his illusions about our relationship will be disillusioned."

Dr. Xu seemed very interested, and listened to me carefully, "When I was giving up on myself, he still refused to give up on me, and was always willing to be with me. But...I was very scared...I was afraid that my illness would affect him, It will affect our relationship. I thought about giving up on him, but he..." I couldn't help smirking, my eyes were a little wet, "He still insists on being with me. I want to promise him a normal relationship, a ...", I suddenly choked up, "A relationship that he doesn't need...to worry too much. I don't want him to feel that after falling in love with me, he will regret losing me suddenly..."

"Isn't it hard work for you? Since he chose you, he should understand that sharing your pain is not hard work," Dr. Xu said with emotion.

"He said that he can bear the pressure, but I don't want to see him suffer with me." I secretly wiped my nose and forced my tears back.

"Okay," Dr. Xu sighed, "What do you want me to do?"

"I think you'll hide my serious condition when the time comes. Don't tell him that I'm going to take medicine or something. Just briefly tell him about my current safest situation, and some suggestions that he can help me recover..." , I smirked and said, "Of course, I will still take the medicine and come over for the checkup on time. I just hope he can be less stressed and troubled."

Doctor Xu still seemed a little hesitant.

I leaned forward and begged again with pleading eyes, "Don't let him know until the last moment."

At this time, Dr. Xu shook his head, sighed and said with a smile, "All right. I can only cooperate with you in this scene."

*

I took off my slippers and slowly crawled towards Xiao Le along the bed.I can feel his rapid breathing, and he can also feel the approaching smirk.The distance between our eyes was less than three centimeters.He closed his eyes slowly, I kissed his soft pink lips, and smelled the faint scent of mint between his teeth.His hands wandered around my arms, brushed against my neck, and gently lifted my face.There were scratches on the side of his face where his nose had rubbed, and it was itchy.

I turned around and sat in the air-conditioning quilt, hugging him on my shoulders.I bowed my head and said coquettishly to him, "You weren't here last night, so I missed you."

"Really?" He looked at me lewdly, scratching his pajamas intentionally or unintentionally.

"What do you want?"

"I see what you want to do."

I turned to face him and held his hands, "Baby Xiaole, is your mother really not against our dating?"

"Didn't WeChat tell you last night?"

"But I want to confirm it again, from your mouth."

"Then why didn't you ask my mother to confirm?" He smiled and rolled his eyes.

"But I can't go to your mother now. I just think, you are so happy."

He asked in a low voice, very gentle, "Why?"

I looked envious, "Your mother is so kind to you, and she forgave you so quickly."

He held my hand and said seriously, "Don't do this. Your parents will accept it sooner or later. Besides, I also told my mother not to tell my father. According to my father's temper, he can't stand it."

"I hope. In fact, I am very happy to be recognized by your mother."

"Who said my mother approves of you?" He said arrogantly and disgustedly, "She only approves of my son."

He smiled proudly, as if showing off to me.While I was happy for Xiao Le, I couldn't help feeling a little sad.

"Uncle Wei, what's the matter with you?" He suddenly became worried, "I was just joking."

"I know", I don't know how to respond.

After coming out twice, my parents seemed determined and refused to recognize me.Whenever I think about it, I always have mixed feelings. It is the pain of homesickness and the struggle for freedom.Is it to give up the life of self-choice in order to cater to the family, or to insist on self and pursue true love at the expense of the family?I definitely chose the latter.But, can't we have the best of both worlds?

At least now, Xiao Le seems to have done it.I was a little jealous, jealous of his relationship with his mother.But I am sincerely happy for us, because his mother accepted us and recognized us.

"Wei Jun!"

He interrupted my thoughts.

"Stop thinking about it!", he ordered, "My mother told me that as long as I am happy with you, she is willing to send her blessings. I believe that your parents will understand one day that as long as their children Live happily and they will understand and send their blessings."

I nodded.But Xiao Le still seemed dissatisfied. He thought I should still be immersed in the grief of falling out with my parents.

He lifted my face and turned to him, "Trust me and give them more time".

I reluctantly snorted "um", but how much time do I have left to wait?