I just want you to be well

I remember the few days when I lived at my grandmother's house during the Chinese New Year when I was a child, my grandfather would send my grandmother a pot of hot water to soak her feet every night.At that time, I was ignorant, and I always liked to stretch my feet over to rub hot water, and my mother would stop me immediately.

"Why does grandpa bring hot water to grandma?"

"Because your grandma's feet have always been inflexible, especially in winter. Your grandpa has to soak your grandma's feet in a hot water basin every day, otherwise her foot disease will be more serious."

"Does grandpa do this every year?"

"Yeah, I remember your grandpa would always bring hot water to grandma every winter."

"They are so affectionate."

"That's not true, but they were blindly married before."

"What is a blind marriage?"

"It's just that the two have never met, and they got married on the same day they were arranged by the family."

I half understood, "Will I be like this in the future? But I don't even know whether I like that person or not."

"No. Unless you really can't find a good girl to marry, your mother will introduce you. But by the way, your grandparents are really interesting. Even if they don't get along and often quarrel, they are still very affectionate."

"How old are they?"

"It's over 80."

I have always been a pessimist.From the moment I came into contact with composition in primary school, the Chinese teacher should hate me.Because there is always an inexplicable gloom and bitterness in my central thought.

We finally ushered in a relatively open and peaceful era.We who are young and strong don’t need to face the cruelty on the battlefield, and educated youth like us don’t need to be persecuted in the real world.China's economy is booming, and people are enjoying the nourishment of information technology. We no longer have to talk about sexual discoloration like people in the Confucian era, especially gays, who have gradually moved from living in the shadows to walking in the sun.

I should have felt joy and hope in living in this era.

We are both a lucky generation and an unfortunate generation.When we are excited by the increasingly advanced technology and the growing human rights movement, how many people realize that the nature of love is quietly changing?

The love in the past is like the shoes you just bought in the past. Although you like them, they will be full of holes after wearing them for a long time, but you are not willing to throw them away, and then keep repairing them until they are completely broken.Now love is much more casual. If the shoes you just bought don’t fit or you don’t like them, you can change them immediately.Although it is human nature to like the new and dislike the old, it is more in line with the normal state of love today.

I can't forget the scene when my first love broke up with me.We revisited Nansu Garden side by side, and his silent face made me feel that the atmosphere was very strange.Until he finally managed to say the sentence, "Wei Jun, how about... let's break up".

At that time, I didn't fly into a rage, I just looked terrified.By the time I realized it, I had already tightly grasped his arms, eagerly asking why.

He acted very calm, but his eyes kept avoiding me.

"Where am I not doing well enough? Is it because we quarreled before and some things haven't been discussed yet? Or do you want me to change it?"

"No", I remember his pitiful sobs, "you are really good. I don't think I will ever meet someone as good as you in my life. It's just... I thought about it for a long time, and I thought, maybe we don't It doesn't fit."

"What doesn't fit? It's been four years, haven't we come here at the same time?", I wanted to hug him, but he broke away.

"It was because of these four years that I realized maybe we shouldn't be wasting so much time on each other."

"What do you mean by wasting time?", I grasped his hand and began to tremble unconsciously, as if I was afraid of losing it, but I was speechless to refute that the relationship between the two of them was not as good as a year.

"I'm sorry", he apologized, as if he had stolen a man.

"Is there someone outside?"

He still didn't speak, as if he had acquiesced.

"Acquainted on the Q group?"

He never let me touch his mobile phone, every time I want to make him angry, I just need to grab his mobile phone to achieve the goal.

He shook his head, "The KTV party after that public welfare organization event."

I let out a deep breath and let go of my hands.I dare not look at him anymore, a person who has been with me for four years and I have loved for four years.

I admired my composure at the time.I was angry, but I couldn't vent it on him.All the emotions pouring into my heart turned into tears and stained my eyes red.

I choked up for a long time.

He also stood there dumbly for a long time, and finally said, "It's been off and on for a year."

The two didn't speak for a long time.

I didn't mention the details of breaking up with my first love to Yin Le.He just picked up the pen and paper and handed it to me with a look of jealousy. He lay on my shoulder and asked me to write down the most romantic things I did to my first love one by one.I moved my butt that had been sitting for a long time, and after a while I listed them clearly.Xiao Le stared at my writing intently, envious and puzzled at the same time.

He took the paper from my hand with a worried expression on his face.

1. Stolen his first kiss in the woods on the school road

2. Go to the library to review together, and sneak out to buy him milk tea while he is defecating in the toilet

3. Go to the cinema for the first time, hold hands and feed him popcorn

4. The first time we opened a room, we hugged each other and slept all night, and I invited him to eat at McDonald's the next day

5. For the first time, I used my part-time salary to take him to a luxurious Valentine's Day meal for two

6. Invite him to Thailand for a week with the three-month internship salary I saved

7. Before graduation, I took him home to meet his parents, who were furious and drove me away

I'm not surprised that I can restore some key details, even a little calm and relieved.But for Xiao Le, this is not the case.

"You are really good to him." Xiao Le's expression was a little sentimental, and his gentle and deep voice sounded a little distressing, "You should have loved him very much back then."

He continued to read my words carefully, and his index finger landed on the seventh article, "Did you come out to your parents for him?"

I knew that I had to confess to him, and I also wanted to take Xiaole back to Beijing while I still had time, and I also hoped to settle down with my parents.

"Well. Actually, at that time, I always wanted to come out to my parents, because it was very uncomfortable to hold it back. I thought I would always be with my first love. It just so happened that my parents kept urging me to find a girl to marry, but I didn't I didn't want to marry a girl or have sex. So I decided to take him home and have a showdown with my parents."

"Your parents were very angry at the time, weren't they?"

"It's not just my parents. My first love is also very angry. He thought I just took him to Beijing for fun, who knows...he thinks I used him."

I sighed, Xiao Le seemed to see my sad expression, and held my arm tightly, "Are you okay? If you don't want to say it, then don't say it."

I touched his head, I like the way he worried about me, "No. I'd like to tell you anything you want to know."

"I'm quite envious of you and your first love." Although he said he was envious, his poor acting skills couldn't hide the jealousy on his face.

"There's nothing to envy. It's all over. Aren't we doing well now?"

Xiao Le hesitated, "Wei Jun, answer me honestly." He looked at me seriously, no longer worried about me just now, "Am I a substitute for your ex?"

I tapped his head, "What nonsense are you talking about with your eyes open!?"

Frankly speaking, he may have the shadow of my first love, but his unique personality has already smoothed out my most primitive impression of first love, and even let me slowly walk out of the shadow of not believing in love.He is not so much a substitute for first love as a necessity for me right now.

I immediately touched the head just after the knock, and kissed him, "Of course not, you are my unique Yin Le".

I seemed to only see me in his eyes, as if he only saw me.

He suddenly avoided my eyes, moved my hand away, and murmured with his head down, "I'm just afraid that you will always think of him when you are with me. Others say that the first love is the favorite. You It's my first love, but I'm not yours."

"Of course you are mine!", I retorted.

He was a little anxious, "Shut up first. And...would it be because there is someone who can take care of you and fill your vacant period, and I just showed up, so you agreed to be with me?"

I don't know where he got these concerns.I don't understand.Sometimes, individual boys are as thoughtful and fearful as girls.

"Of course not!", I held his face again, and said seriously, "If that's the case, I didn't have to take care of your feelings back then, and I didn't have to entangle you all the time. I want to be with you."

He stared at me with bright eyes, his eyes were full of lamentation, "I don't know. I'm just afraid... In fact, you don't like me that much."

"Of course I like you. No, I love you", I looked at him affectionately, but still couldn't help it, "but...I'm afraid I don't have enough time to love you."

He choked up and said, "Stop talking..." He said sullenly, "Your illness...even though the doctor said nothing, I have been persuading myself to be optimistic and optimistic." He repeated "optimistic" three times.

I have encountered many small sufferers.Either they don't know much about the world, and they only want to be accompanied by a man when they are lonely, so that they can live happily ever after, that kind of pleasure is physical pleasure; But I don't know how to put out the fire, and both sides suffer in the end; there is another kind, Xiao Le, who wants to catch true love desperately, but is always worrying about gains and losses.

I love him, but I also know that he is afraid in his heart, he is afraid of insecurity, afraid of AIDS.But why am I not?Only after going through the past, can we understand the hard-won things in front of us, and understand how difficult it is to put our hearts into practice.Especially thinking that Yin Le will accept a pre-set ending and watch him leave before me.Of course I couldn't bear it, but I couldn't control the inseparable love for him.

"Fool," I comforted, "I admit, I may never forget my first love in my life."

He wanted to break away from my hand angrily, but I grabbed him back, "But, that's all over. I just want to spend every minute with you. Because I'm afraid enough to lose someone It's tasteless. I don't want it to happen to the two of us."

I looked at him seriously.I can feel that my time to continue loving him is running out.We always say that a person's life is very long, but even if it is long, it is limited, not to mention that I can feel that my body is getting weaker and weaker.

"Also, I don't want you to worry about my illness. Just like you encouraged me before, I am a normal person. I just want to have a good relationship with you and live a good life."

He put his arms around me, "Enough is enough, don't say it", he raised his head tearfully, "I just want to confirm the answer in my heart. As long as you have me in your heart, it is enough."

I kissed his flushed cheeks, and held it in my arms vigorously, for fear that once I let go, I would never regain this feeling again.