disqualified hero

"Nane." The young child is sitting on an armchair. This armchair is not a wooden chair swaying by the fireplace in a Western-style house, but a fancy decoration in an amusement park. The armrests are made of iron, and the wire is curled up. , intertwined like vines, making the appearance of a steel rose, with painted wooden boards under the buttocks.The child's legs are not long enough, and the knee bend is stuck on the outside of the template.

"Achilles, Achilles," he swayed his legs, his movements full of childishness, "what is a hero?"

The strong man was sitting with the young and delicate child a few years ago. In terms of appearance, they have no similarities, but people who pass by see the child with a cone with three ice cream balls stacked on top of each other, leaning back against the man lazily. Looking at the sky from the back of the chair, he would say knowingly, "What a good father and son!"

"Hero." Achilles said, "I think about it, it's really a difficult question to answer, and you are getting more and more difficult to deal with, Azhi."

"Is this a difficult question to answer?"

"Of course, you must know the saying, 'There are a thousand Hamlets in the eyes of a thousand people'." Achilles, if he is not involved in business, is as lazy as a sleepy Akita dog all day long , the desire to sleep can be felt from his tone, "The hero in my heart is different from the hero in other people's hearts."

"Also, don't call me Achilles outside, call me Hongyi."

"Ahong."

"It's Hongyi, forget it, Azhi, can't you call me by my name properly?" His neck was stuck on the back of the chair, and his head was slightly tilted back, "Forget it, a hero...for me, a hero is A person who can overcome darkness." He was always helpless to children.

"Darkness?" Azhi asked, "What is darkness?"

"You are from "One Hundred Thousand Whys", forget it, children like to ask questions, even the smartest people can't avoid it," Hongyi said, "It's the darkness of the heart, the darkness of society, for example It’s darkness when you suddenly want to lift the skirt of the girl opposite, it’s darkness when there are respectable officials molesting female students in society, it’s darkness when the enemy knocks down the house, there are too many odds and ends, you have to experience it yourself.”

"Hey--"

[Ah Hong has also become a cunning adult, "You have to experience it yourself", "You won't know until you grow up", "You are still young", these are all adult answers. ]

"What?" Hongyi asked, "What feelings do you have?"

"I just suddenly thought of someone." Azhi said, "About a year ago, someone seemed to have answered my question 'what is a hero? .”

"He told me that a hero is someone who destroys evil."

"Oh, who are you talking to now?"

"Dead." Azhi's tone was not so much that of an ignorant child, but rather a bored coolness, "Not only died physically, but also died mentally." The last trace of the softness unique to children after being spoiled disappeared , "I was hit by seven bullets, three shots in the head, left foot, left hand, right shoulder, and chest, one of which passed through the chest. I died a miserable and painful death."

"I guess so." Ahong said, "Let's just say, there is no single answer to this question, you just have to figure it out yourself." Without bowing his head, he could guess that Dazai's eyes must be empty, like a vast expanse The black hole in the boundless universe is full of attraction, and it makes one's heart palpitate just by looking at it.

"What should I do if I can't figure it out?" He still wanted to ask.

"If you can't figure it out..." Ah Hong said, "Just go and be a hero."

"If you become a hero yourself, you will definitely find the answer."

……

[Am I dreaming? ]

Dazai opened his eyes, the gray ceiling was pressing above his head, and the curtains with 100% light blocking index completely covered the room, making it airtight.The apartment he lives in is not big, only about 20 square meters. It is a typical rental house in Tokyo. Editor Xiaozhuang helped him find this apartment.

There is very little furniture in the room, a bed, a refrigerator, and a few books lying scattered on the wooden floor: comics, Pushkin's poems, domestic literary magazines...

[Are you really not going to buy more furniture, Mr. Dazai? ] When Xiaozhuang first visited Dazai’s apartment in Tokyo, he was also shocked by its minimalist decoration. This kind of shock is different from his house in Shizuoka. It is exquisite but lifeless, and the monotonous white and black are too much at first glance. .

[It's too much space. ]he thinks.

[It’s too empty, Mr. Dazai’s house seems to have abandoned all self-interest, leaving only the furniture and utensils for the minimum standard of living. ]

Editor Xiaozhuang had a secret worry in his heart.

[There are often problems with the mental state of writers, right? Especially Teacher Dazai, who writes profoundly profound words, but is too depressed. Considering his age and living conditions, it is better to make an appointment with a psychiatrist for a chat Well, damn it, as an editor, I didn't care about the physical and mental health of the teachers, it was really remiss of me. ]

As for Dazai at that time, he just sat on the edge of the bed with his elbows resting on his lap, watching editor Xiaozhuang with relish.

[Oh, it turns out that human expressions can be enriched like this?Just looking at the facial expressions can simulate a drama in the brain, and being able to use facial expressions to express the inner thoughts vividly is also considered a remarkable ability. ]

Back to the present, Dazai stood up from the bed, and walked to the floor-to-ceiling windows barefoot, the curtain hooks were pulled and moved to both sides, the sunlight domineeringly penetrated into the room, splitting the dark room in half.

[It suddenly occurred to me that there seemed to be a person, probably named Freud, who always liked to connect people’s dreams with subconscious emotions. For a period of time, the students in the class were talking about their dreams with relish .What a shameful thing, the emotions in the subconscious are probably secret things that should not be announced, and it is shameful, shameful to spread them in front of everyone like unfolding the pages of a book! ]

[But I occasionally wonder, if they know that I seldom dream, or don’t dream at all, what kind of attitude will they look at me, whether they are pretending to comfort me, but chanting “really a monster” in their hearts, or revealing Out of cheap shallow sympathy, "You really have experienced too little". ]

[Do you dream when you experience a lot?Looking back on the past, there is almost nothing worth remembering or praiseworthy in my life. I think that is the reason why I can't dream. ]

[——"Human Matters. Confessions of a Mask"

……

There are two cemeteries in Shizuoka, one to the east and one to the west.

Take the JR special line to Shizuoka, get off at 13 stops, and walk for more than ten minutes. A quiet cemetery like a small park is quietly displayed in front of you. The old man guarding the cemetery wears a straw hat and gloves made of thick cloth. Hearing the rustling sound behind him, he straightened his hunched back, and a kind smile appeared on his face.

"Good morning." He greeted in a warm voice, as if he didn't see Dazai's unusual attire.

"Good morning."

"Are you here to see someone important?"

"If you want to say something." The bouquet of lilies in her right hand was pushed up, the white petals of Miaoman complemented the white suit, her fluffy, seldom-managed black hair was parted in the middle, and the hair on the right side was pinned Behind the head, the naughty is not there, but the elegance is more than enough.

If Dazai appeared at the grand wedding scene at this time, and appeared in the church as the leading actor, no one would think it strange.

"I'm coming to see my 'wife'," he said.

"Your wife must be very beautiful," said the old man.

Dazai's eyes were finished laughing, and his voice was ethereal, like reading a sweet fairy tale to a child before going to bed: "Yes, she deserves the love of the whole world."

Yan Daoai's tombstone is deep in the garden.The cemetery is divided into two parts. The front area is located in the middle of the cemetery. There are not only green bamboos, but also a sparkling lotus pond in front of the stele. Insects, fish, birds and animals love this place, and wild flowers bloom beside the criss-crossing roads. .After Yan Dao's death, he had no relationship with flowers and plants, but got a secluded residence. I don't know if it was pines and cypresses or other trees. It was empty, not even a stone slab.

[If you love sauce, you will definitely like this place. ]

[She is originally an excellent woman who likes to live alone, unless she lives with the person she loves, she is absolutely unwilling to share a room with other people. From this point of view, a secluded residence with only a few neighbors, It couldn't be more appropriate. ]

Turning through the woods, the clear sky light penetrates the layers of leaves on the branches, two or three spots of light fall on the upper right corner of the stone tablet, and even jump between the hair of the young man.In front of Yan Daoai's tombstone is a fragile but damaged crystal glass bottle filled with bright red eternal flowers.

Akata Yuji greeted: "You are here, incumbent?"

Dazai said, "Here we come, sad ex."

Mingtian Yuji's face collapsed in an instant, the dignity of such a yuppie handsome guy was completely metabolized, he wrinkled his nose in dissatisfaction and muttered: "You little brat, you are still so uncute." He didn't know it was because of the tombstone Talking on and on, still chattering with Dazai, "It's really rare to see a good man like me in the world. He's obviously an ex-girlfriend but he still can't forget her. He visits her every year. Speaking of which, why should I compare myself with you? I don't even have the qualifications to stand on the stage, damn it..."

"If I really want to say it, Mr. Mingtian probably likes things that don't change." Dazai opened his mouth abruptly. His pupils can accommodate the entire clear sky. In his sunny day, there are no clouds, only invisible The blue sky at the end, "I like the same people, the same specimens, and the same words, and swear that I have the same eternal love."

As he spoke, his tone remained unchanged, but the viscous malice in the content unfolded nakedly in front of Mingtian Yuji through the sneering sarcasm at the corner of his mouth: "But Mr. Mingtian, only the dead will remain unchanged, but Ai-chan A death that has returned to silence, but at the end, she is no longer the sensitive and sad lady you knew, but in complete happiness."

"Ai-chan is no longer Ai Asakura, but Ai Yandao. She doesn't like flowers that are planted in the garden and always maintain their blooming appearance. Her favorite is the white lily that withers naturally with the changing seasons. .”

He bent down and put down the lily in his arms: "Is it that difficult for you to admit change and failure, Mr. Mingtian?"

Akata Yuji stopped muttering, and put on a mask. For him, the most commonly used mask is a polite and hypocritical smile: "It's hard, how can people admit their failures?"

He said, "Your mouth is still so unpleasant, Dazai-kun."

"Thank you." Dazai said sweetly, "My love is only for cute girls, a man like Mr. Akita, please stay away from me."

"but--"

Akata Yuji said: "In fact, there are still people who don't change."

He said, "It's been a year, Dazai-kun, you haven't changed at all."

……

Nagae was wearing a light brown dress.A few maple leaves were embroidered on the elegant skirt. She loved those leaves very much. Even in the cold late autumn, they were dyed from emerald green to red, which represented fiery life.

Among flowers, Changzhi likes lotus best, and among leaves, she likes maple leaves best.

Her beautiful long hair was braided into delicate braids. She carried a large canvas bag with new textbooks borrowed from the library. A few days ago, she successfully got the admission letter from the university. After the last summer vacation, you can go to school.

[What's for dinner tonight? ]

She ponders timeless philosophical questions.

[I'm tired of the takeaway restaurants in the surrounding area, do you want to make it yourself?There is still a piece of fish in the refrigerator. I don’t know how it tastes like after being marinated with miso. I just saw the flashy dish in Dazai-kun’s book two days ago. It seems to be called Rococo. I haven’t eaten it yet. I asked him last time. Sometimes I just say, "Oh, it's just a dish I made up. If you want to try it, you might as well try Changzhijiang, then I will know whether it is delicious or not." ]

[How irresponsible, but let’s try it out, if it’s not tasty, put the plate in front of him next time, and tell Dazai-kun, the dish you just wrote is really bad. ]

The key precisely got into the hole in the door of the apartment, turned it around, and the door opened with a click. She took off the ballet shoes she was wearing outside and put them in the shoe cabinet, only to find that there was an extra pair of leather shoes in the shoe cabinet and a pair of slippers was missing.

[Um? ]

"Are you back, Dazai-kun?" she asked aloud.

"I'm back, Nagae-chan." The notes were contained in Dazai's throat, one after another, jumping out happily.

……

"Wow--"

A large colorful plate lay in the middle of the white table. Thin strips of carrots, purple cabbage, snow peas, tomatoes, and various vegetables were cut into fixed shapes and spread out on the plate like petals.Dazai let out an exaggerated admiration, and said, "Could this be Rococo? It looks really good."

The long branch inserted thin strips of carrots and put them in his mouth, "It's good to have a gorgeous name, but to be honest, it's actually a vegetable salad, but the sauce is made differently from the general public. It's messy, no It looks like a French sauce, and it doesn't look like a Chinese-style sauce. I have never heard of the method described in the book."

"How about the taste?" Dazai looked at her with smiling eyes.

"So-so." She swallowed the carrot, "Honestly, not bad."

[Xiu Zhi, this is Rococo. ]

The dishes in my memory are even more gorgeous than the ones at present. My mother has an unusual talent in color, but all the dishes that she puts together are like Japanese ukiyo paintings, with rich colors but elegant.

[Rococo? ]

[Yes, Rococo. ] Subai's hand fell on his head again.

[In the French dictionary, Rococo has such a meaning, a gorgeous, bright and lovely appearance, and an empty and unchanged interior, a great word, right? ]

"Speaking of it." Changzhi boredly inserted a piece of cabbage again, "I just found out that Minmei-chan's Mingmei and Kobayakawa Mingmei's Mingmei are the same Mingmei."

Dazai raised his head, his eyes were so innocent, as if he didn't understand Nagae's meaning.

"It's a live video broadcast." She said, "I saw it, Mingmei-chan gave you flowers." She said, "I thought she would send sunflowers, but it turned out to be red roses?"

"Oh, it sounds like you guys have met before?" Dazai's curiosity was aroused, "Have you talked about it? What kind of topic?"

The metal fork touched Nagae's lips bit by bit: "The words of Dazai-kun are men, don't be too curious about the intimate topics between girls." She firmly said, "A man who is too clingy will always be caught Women hate it."

"Ah, it's too much, Nagae-chan." Dazai was about to roll on the table.

……

[Is it a topic? ]

Nagao looked at the lights on the ceiling.

[What topics will two girls of similar ages talk about when they get together? Apart from simple fashion, flowers, and decorations, the most popular ones should be people they like. ]

"Although I have someone I like, the relationship seems to have developed further, at least it can be called a friend." Mingmei paused, "But I don't seem to have sorted out my feelings for him." When she said this, Mingmei's arrogance was already like ice touched by an open flame, and the ice and snow melted, "I like him for sure, but I don't even know why I like him."

"But for what he did and what he said, I always want to tolerate it. Is this the reaction that liking should have?"

How did you answer yourself at that time?

By the way, it seems to be...

"It's normal." She heard herself say, "But after hearing Mingmei's description, it's like loving that person with a loving mother's mood!"

[It's really great. ]

"Maybe it's true." She murmured, "Because even though that person has been avoiding, refusing to get close to him, and repelling everyone, I still want to protect him."

[Because Dazai-kun looks so lonely. ]

……

Clear music reached Dazai's ears, and the phone rang.

"I'm going to answer the phone." He said to Chang Zhi.

"Hey?"

"Student Dazai." The fat rubber voice came from the other end of the phone, and the familiar but unfamiliar hero made Dazai raise an eyebrow at one end.

"Mr. Chubby Rubber?" He sat down on the sofa, "What can I do for you?"

On the other end of the phone, the fat rubber left hand held a photo. Under the reflection of the light, the photo was not so clear. There seemed to be an elegant woman in a white dress sitting on the chair, and a young girl stood on the right. child.

A few steps behind the mother and son, a man watched them like a watchman.

"I want to ask," Fat Rubber took a deep breath, "Do you know the sharp gun hero, Tie Mingqiao?"

[Ah, I haven't heard of this name for a long time. ]

[It turns out that dreams really have the function of predicting the future! ]

[Body: Osamu Dazai]

[Synchronization rate: 90%]