when you look at me

The next day, Tang Qingyu was cremated in Guangzhou.

Only four people participated in the farewell ceremony, Wang Yuan, Chen Shuo, Yuan Yiping, and the owner of the bar where Tang Qingyu worked, who rushed over from Shenzhen.

There was no complicated ceremony, each of the four presented a bouquet of white chrysanthemums, and bowed three times to Tang Qingyu's posthumous photo.Chen Shuo's eye circles were a little red, while Wang Yuan's face was as sinking as water, and there was no expression on his face.

The farewell ceremony started at nine o'clock in the morning, and when Wang Yuan came out with the urn in his hands, it was only a quarter past ten.

Walking out of the funeral parlor, Chen Shuo said to Wang Yuan: "The rent of his house in Shenzhen hasn't been returned yet, and he still has some savings. He said before... let me contact you and give the savings to his grandma."

Wang Yuan nodded: "I'll take care of these. During this time, it's hard work for you to take care of him."

Chen Shuo: "It's nothing, we are friends."

The four returned to Shenzhen that day, the boss left, Wang Yuan, Chen Shuo and Yuan Yiping came to Tang Qingyu's rental house together.Tang Qingyu's rental house is located in an urban village surrounded by many factories, garbage everywhere, and foul-smelling sewage flowing on the ground.

Tang Qingyu rented only one room. Wang Yuan opened the door with Tang Qingyu's key. A woman was walking around the room with a crying child in her arms.The woman was obviously taken aback, and asked sharply, "What are you doing?"

"We are friends of Tang Qingyu," Wang Yuan said in a deep voice, "He's on a business trip, and we're here to help him pack his things."

"Xiao Tang?" The woman looked at Wang Yuan suspiciously: "Are you Xiao Tang's friend? We have rented together with Xiao Tang for two years, why have we never met you?"

Wang Yuan lowered his eyes and replied, "I am indeed his friend. I still have his ID card with me. Do you want to see it?"

Maybe it was because Wang Yuan was dressed elegantly, the woman stared at the three of them, but finally said nothing.

The three walked into Tang Qingyu's room.

The room was small, with a balcony, and a loose white vest and a pair of sports shorts were hanging on the balcony.A blue mosquito net was hung on the bed, and several clothes and pants were wrapped up in a pile at the corner of the bed.On the table at the other end of the room, there is also a pack of Yellow Crane Tower with the lid open, and a half bottle of Coca-Cola.

This scene is like Tang Qingyu has never left.

Wang Yuan opened the window of the balcony, and the golden autumn sun poured in. Then he grabbed the cigarette case on the table in his hand, took out a cigarette from it, and lit it.

In this way, he smoked the half pack of cigarettes left by Tang Qingyu in silence.

Then he looked at Chen Shuo and said, "Tang Qingyu asked you to keep this matter secret?"

Yuan Yiping's heart trembled, thinking to himself, what kind of "this matter" is Wang Yuan talking about?Did Tang Qingyu have AIDS, or was Tang Qingyu gay, or did Tang Qingyu like him? !

Chen Shuo asked hesitantly, "You're talking about...his illness?"

"Ah."

Yuan Yiping breathed a sigh of relief, but at the same time felt even more lost. Tang Qingyu's secret would become a secret forever, silently, silently not.

"He can really do it." Wang Yuan stared blankly at the silver cigarette case in his hand: "He did it on purpose, um, I'm really sorry for him."

Chen Shuo was surprised: "You..."

"He paid for my travel expenses when I came to Shenzhen to go to university," Wang Yuan said calmly. "He also invited me to eat the first meal here. I was too poor at that time, and he always took care of me."

There was a crisp bird song outside the window, and a gust of wind lifted the gray and white curtains, casting shadows flying on the floor.

"I'm not good enough for him. He blamed me, so he didn't tell me, just to scare me?"

Yuan Yiping and Chen Shuo were speechless.

Wang Yuan continued to talk to himself: "I just can't let him get what he wants. A person who was alive and kicking the last time we met will die the next time we meet. That's not acceptable, I don't accept it."

I do not accept.

These four words seem to have been thrown into Yuan Yiping's ears. I don't accept them. He has said these words to himself too many times, and later he heard others say them intermittently.

I do not accept.That's right, I don't accept that you leave me suddenly and forever, I don't accept that fate separates you and me forever in the name of "impermanence", I don't accept - I don't accept inevitable death, I don't accept that you leave me The way.So sudden, so cruel, I don't accept it.

"When I was in the hospital, I knew he would never come back, but I couldn't just watch him die like that. I came, and then he died, what is this? I want to save him, put him on a ventilator, Imported drugs, electric shocks... In fact, I knew in my heart that I didn't do these things to save him, I couldn't save him, I just needed to give myself a process."

"With this process, I'm not so afraid-rescue once, it won't work; second time, it won't work; the nutrient solution can't be infused; the heart rate becomes faster... Am I torturing him? Right. But I need Such a process, with this process, I can have an illusion, as if, he is not destined to die, but I did not save him. This way I will not be so powerless, so I seem to be holding his life Hand, and then let go a little bit. I can only deceive myself like this, I would rather blame myself for not saving him, than admit that I just have no choice but to watch him die. "

After a long silence, Wang Yuan summed up word by word: "I'm an asshole."

After packing up Tang Qingyu's things, the rent was returned, and the three of them went to the funeral home in Shenzhen.Wang Yuan stored Tang Qingyu's ashes here. He said that he would bring the ashes back to Hunan during the Chinese New Year so that Tang Qingyu could be buried in peace.

Wang Yuan followed the staff to deposit the ashes, while Yuan Yiping and Chen Shuo waited at the door.

Yuan Yiping thought, in fact, Wang Yuan also cared about Tang Qingyu, but he regarded him as a friend, because he cared about his friend.Wang Yuan thought that Tang Qingyu deliberately punished him by concealing his illness, and punishing him was not enough for friends and meaning.But Wang Yuan will never know that all Tang Qingyu's concealment is because of his desperate love.

These two people care about each other, but for different reasons and positions.This black humorous life.

A few minutes later, the staff invited Chen Shuo and Yuan Yiping to come in and offer incense.

Each person had a stick of incense, Chen Shuo came first, followed by Yuan Yiping, and finally Wang Yuan.Tang Qingyu's urn has been placed properly, and Tang Qingyu's photo is pasted on the outside of the small grid.The photo is black and white, but Tang Qingyu in the photo is still a fat man, his eyes are narrowed with a smile, very festive.

When it was time for Wang Yuan to offer incense, he looked at the photo in silence for a long time, then held the incense with both hands, and bowed slowly.

Then he went up and put the incense into the stove.

The ceremony ended here, and the staff member said softly, "Sir, here is your ID, please..."

However, Wang Yuan stood still.

The next second, he suddenly took a step forward, leaned over, and put his lips on the small two-inch photo.One touch and instant.

The staff member was stunned for a moment, and his eyes widened.

Yuan Yiping was terrified, and asked with his mouth before his brain: "You know?"

With his back to them, Wang Yuan whispered after a few seconds, "I know."