when you look at me

When Yuan Yiping arrived at the hospital, there were already people standing in front of the ward.He could only stand on the outermost side, hearing heart-piercing wails coming from the ward.At the end of the corridor, two nurses in the nurse's station were dispensing medicine in an orderly manner. A patient with an infusion bottle passed by and greeted them.

Death, this is probably the most common thing in the hospital. Except for the relatives and friends of the deceased, other irrelevant people, of course, have long been familiar with it.But at a certain moment, Yuan Yiping still felt how ridiculous this scene was.

"Sister Ran, the funeral home's cars are all downstairs, let's see my aunt away..." A hoarse male voice said from the ward.

"No—!" Song Ran's roar came out again: "Go to the doctor! Continue to rescue my mother! Dad, go quickly..."

"Sister Ran, this... aunt has already..."

Song Ran's roar was wrapped in tears: "My mother...she can survive...she..."

Standing next to Yuan Yiping was an aunt—probably a relative of Mr. Cui's family—she sighed softly, and said to another aunt in a low voice: "This child... well, I heard that someone died yesterday. It didn’t work when it was delivered, it was already a vegetative state, and the doctor suggested giving up the treatment, which was meaningless, and Song Zhizu agreed, but she didn’t agree... You said that her mother also suffered because of all the trouble? It’s just the tube Just plugged in so many..."

Yuan Yiping's hands trembled faintly, he stepped back a few steps, and leaned against the wall suddenly.

More than half an hour later, Teacher Cui was sent to the car of the funeral home.Yuan Yiping saw Song Ran being supported by Wang Yuan. There were no tears on her face, but her eyes were empty, as if her soul had left her body.

Another day later, Yuan Yiping went to attend Teacher Cui's funeral.The farewell hall of the funeral home was filled with wreaths, and there was an endless stream of people who came to express their condolences. At the entrance of the hall, a girl who seemed to be in her early 20s distributed a white rose to each guest. I like white roses."

The master of ceremonies who presided over the farewell ceremony had a low voice. He reviewed Teacher Cui's academic achievements and praised Teacher Cui's noble character. At the end, he led everyone to bow three times, and sobbed everywhere.

Teacher Cui's funeral ended in an orderly manner.

Yuan Yiping saw Song Ran walking out holding Teacher Cui's urn, her face was pale, still the expression she had when she sent Teacher Cui to the hearse of the funeral home that night, as if her soul had come out of her body, her face was dull and empty.

Yuan Yiping took the bus home alone.It only takes about forty minutes to go from the solemn and mournful funeral parlor to the downtown area with people coming and going.Downstairs of Yuan Yiping's rented house, several children were leaning their heads against each other, watching one of them play QQ Speed.

At this time, a woman in her 30s came over and shouted, "Lele! Why are you playing games on your dad's phone again!"

The little boy stared at the screen, and responded softly: "Mom, I won't play this game after I finish..."

Yuan Yiping turned around and walked into the corridor, tears streaming down his face.

In the past ten years, at no moment has he wanted to see Chen Shuo more than now.

Although he himself can't explain why.

"Chen Shuo." The call was quickly connected.

"Well, Yiping," Chen Shuo seemed surprised, "You...do you have anything to do with me?"

"Chen Shuo, I'm a little scared."

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the phone, and then asked: "What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid you will die."

These words are thoughtless, almost like scolding.

However, Chen Shuo said calmly: "We will all die, but not now."

"Not now? Are you—are you sure?"

"I'm sure," Chen Shuo's tone was as soft as a mother's singing when putting her child to sleep: "Yuan Yiping, now, I won't die."

"How long is 'now'?" Yuan Yiping's voice was choked with sobs that he didn't even realize.

"'Now' is a long, long time."

"Chen Shuo—" Yuan Yiping let out a long breath trembling, "I will do what I say."

"Well, we will do what we say," Chen Shuo said softly but firmly, "Yiping, don't be afraid."

Yuan Yiping hung up the phone, his shoulders trembled, and finally he couldn't help crying.

A week later, Yuan Yiping met Song Ran in the cafe next to Shenzhen University.She wore a "filial piety" on her arm, and her face was still haggard.

"I was sorting out my mother's things, and I saw this photo," Song Ran pushed an envelope over: "Give it to you."

Yuan Yiping took out a photo from the envelope, and it turned out to be a group photo of Teacher Cui when his project was completed.In the photo, Teacher Cui is wearing a black skirt, hugging the female classmate beside her affectionately.Yuan Yiping stood behind her and took a good look.

"Thank you." Yuan Yiping carefully put the photo back into the envelope.

"You're welcome. I want to thank you. Thank you for remembering my mother. I went to see her..." Song Ran took a sip of coffee and said in a low voice, "I saw you at the funeral home that day. I heard my mother mention it before. I told you that you were very hardworking, maybe she would be happy if you went? At that time, I..."

Song Ran paused, looked into Yuan Yiping's eyes, and asked very seriously: "Can I say something... that I can't figure out?"

"Er - you say."

"It's just..." Song Ran tilted her face slightly, as if thinking about something: "Do you think our society—or our life, is terrible?"

"why?"

"My mother, it was a sudden cerebral infarction. I didn't expect this to happen at all. Totally, totally unexpected. Do you know what I mean? She just signed up for swimming lessons last week. How can she just go away like this It happened—so fast, so, without warning."

Yuan Yiping suddenly thought of Yuan Yizhi, before Yuan Yizhi fell ill, there was also no sign.How could he be so terminally ill at such a young age?Who could have imagined it?

"I thought that others couldn't accept it like me. I felt that my life was completely disrupted and it was over. But it wasn't like that. I, I didn't know how to say it, for example—" Song Ran was speaking faster and faster : "For example, arranging my mother's funeral, I know my idea is ridiculous, no one will go to the funeral home to make an appointment, right? But I just think, my mother left so suddenly, why her funeral can be arranged so... ... in an orderly manner? It seems that, except for me, everyone accepted all this very calmly and calmly. They regarded it as a task, and then completed the task rationally and methodically—I always feel that it should not be Like this. There is also the class my mother is teaching, and I immediately changed to a new teacher..."

"I'm not saying they are heartless, they are also sad, I know, but it seems that only my life was disrupted by this accident, and everything else is running as usual... I can't figure it out, how did they do it? They Why were you so quick to accept this unexpected surprise that none of us could have foreseen?"

After Song Ran said so much in one breath, even his cheeks flushed anxiously.

"...I just want to say it, I can't tell my family these words, it will make them misunderstand," she smiled wearily at Yuan Yiping: "I'm sorry, you can pretend you haven't heard it."

Yuan Yiping silently squeezed the porcelain cup tightly in his hand, his heart beating like a drum.

"I," he felt that his vocal cords were rusty, and every word he uttered was extremely difficult: "I understand what you mean."

"When I was 17, my brother — my brother — died."

"My life has been... ruined since then, and until now, it seems that I have never been normal again."