underground river

On the way back, Sinan thought of that hug and Chen Sen's rolling eyes, his ears felt slightly warm, and he felt a sense of late-conscious tension and an urgency to take a step forward.

After parting from Xu Xu at the Fucheng bus station, he went straight home.There was no one at home, and a note was left on the dining table in Chang Jian's handwriting, telling him to call when he got home.

While walking upstairs, Sinan dialed Chang Jian's phone number.

"you're home?"

"Well, just arrived."

"Your mother and I are here at your Uncle Zhu's resort, do you want to come over? I'll call a car to pick you up?"

Si Nan went into the room to put down the luggage, went to the window and opened the curtains.

"No need, I have an appointment with my classmates, you guys have fun."

"Okay, we'll be back tomorrow afternoon, and our family will have a good meal tomorrow night to celebrate your mother's birthday." Chang Jian said in a cheerful voice.

Si Nan turned his mind quickly and said yes.

After hanging up the phone, he sent another text message to Chen Sen.

-Got home.

After taking a quick shower, Sinan changed his clothes and didn't bother to dry his hair. He hung a towel around his neck and wiped it off and on. He walked downstairs while looking at his phone.

Chen Sen replied "Oh".

Si Nan looked amused, and sent another message:

-What are you doing?

—Accompany my grandfather to listen to the music.

—When do you plan to return to Fucheng?

After sending the text message, Sinan went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to check. There were eggs, ham, and vegetables. It was just right to cook noodles!It was almost two o'clock, and he was already so hungry that his chest was pressed against his back.

Si Nan boiled the water and leaned against the sink to look at his phone.

-When does school start?

— One day after the Lantern Festival.

—Then I will come back one day after the Lantern Festival.

—Okay, I'll pick you up then.

—… In your eyes, do I have only one mouth left to move?

This is a line of text with sound.

The expression of someone blowing his nose and staring came before his eyes. Sinan looked at his phone for a long time and laughed silly. After realizing that he was a little silly, he cleared his throat unnaturally, stood up straight, picked up a towel and wiped his hair twice. , God, who walked for two seconds during the period, looked a little cute with that expression.

After getting enough food and clothing, Sinan packed up the dishes, went upstairs, put on his coat, and went out.

Miao Ran made an appointment with him in the afternoon.

"Hongba" is located in an inconspicuous alley, and it is in the bar business. Because there is a university and a vocational school nearby, the business is not bad at ordinary times.

At this point, Hongba hadn't opened the door yet, and it was pitch black behind the two small glass doors. Sinan wondered if Miao Ran had made an appointment at the wrong place, so he called him.

"Are you here?"

"Ah."

"Wait a minute and I'll come down right away."

Two minutes later, there was the sound of slippers being pulled behind the door.

The doorknob turned, and Miao Ran stretched out half of her body, shirtless: "Come in."

"I'm freezing to death!" Miao Ran grinned and rubbed her arms to guide him to sit down in the side hall, then ran to turn on the light in the side hall tremblingly, then turned to ask him, "Do you drink or drink water?"

"...I'm not thirsty."

Miao Ran automatically ignored this sentence and threw him a bottle of mineral water.

"There's no hot water, let's make do with it."

Si Nan frowned and looked at his blue lips: "Would you like to get dressed first?"

"Oh." Miao Ran came to his senses with a slow reaction, "Then you wait for me, I'll clean up before I come down."

Si Nan watched him go to the small stairs in the side hall.

Look around.

The door of Hongba is small, but the space inside is very large. Several crescent stages surround a dance floor, and the one facing the DJ stage is a deck, and the rest are scattered stages.The whole space was filled with a rotten smell after a carnival, and the smell of alcohol lingered for a long time. It should have been cleaned up by someone, and the ground was clean.

In a few hours, the place will be set on fire by the new crowd, music, alcohol, cigarettes, men, women, the bar is a lost paradise on earth, some people come here to get drunk, some come here to have fun, some have nowhere to go, Can only live here.

After about half an hour, Miao Ran came down.

He had obviously rearranged himself, to be precise, he had groomed himself carefully.

His messy hair, which was originally blown up, is lying softly on his forehead at this moment, showing a well-groomed fashion hairstyle. His complexion is a bit haggard, and a large white area is exposed at the neckline of the wide T-shirt. Walking under the dim light, there is a kind of thrilling feeling. beautiful.

Thinking of the purpose of this trip, Si Nan sat up slightly.

"Why are you so serious?" Miao Ran looked at him playfully, sat down and lit a cigarette for herself.

The fingers holding the cigarette were too slender, soft and weak, and looked a bit like a woman's hand.

Miao Ran seemed to be in a bit of a bad mood, he smoked half-heartedly, with an expression of lack of sincerity and patience.

Who is dating whom?

Sinan took the initiative to bring up the topic: "If you haven't had a good rest, you can go to rest for a while."

Miao Ran seemed a little surprised at his concern: "What about you?"

"I'll wait for you here, we'll talk after you rest."

Miao Ran was noncommittal, looking at him with narrowed eyes.

Just like the first time we met, Sinan still instinctively felt bad about Miao Ran, but for some reason, when we met this time, he suddenly felt that this person would definitely not hurt him.

Is it an illusion?

For Sinan, he could faintly sense some temperament in Miao Ran that was different from others.He is like the entrance to another world. Sinan clearly knows that when he gets close to Miao Ran, he will get a glimpse of the original appearance of the matter and get some truth. He hesitates a little, but is more eager to try.

"You came to see me, does Chen Sen know?"

"do not know."

Miao Ran started smoking a second cigarette.

He raised his neck slightly, gracefully like a long-necked swan.

"I'm gay, you know that?"

It was the first time that Sinan heard these three words so clearly and straightforwardly from a man's mouth. He was shocked. He didn't hide it, and looked at Miao Ran with a little surprise, as if asking, why did you say so easily? exported?

Miao Ran was amused by his appearance, because she wanted to laugh sincerely, so her smile was very different from usual, it seemed much more sincere.

If there were friends from his circle present at this time, they would have to tease him that the old tree has blossomed.

"Are you surprised? Do you know what homosexuality is?" Miao Ran leaned forward slightly, feeling like a spiritual mentor facing confused children.

"I... probably know a little bit." Sinan showed difficulty, "Men like men, right?"

Miao Ran was full of disdain: "Then there are still women who like women? Men who change their gender and become women and then like women? Women who change their gender and become men and then like men? How do these count?"

"Gender change?" Sinan was obviously taken aback by his "extensive knowledge".

Miao Ran burst out laughing with a "puchi".

"To put it bluntly, it's just a matter of identity."

"Some men are naturally not interested in women. Compared to women with big breasts, thin waists, thin buttocks, they prefer men with strong bodies and tall bodies, or boys who are delicate and tender. Of course, this is just 1 and 0, and there is also a matter of personal taste. "

Si Nan interrupted him: "1 and 0?"

"You don't even know this?"

"……do not know."

Miao Ran didn't bother to explain to him slowly, picked up the phone and fiddled with it twice, then threw it to him: "Look for yourself."

Si Nan felt that he had never read the exam questions so seriously.

He carefully flipped through what Miao Ran found out for him to read, and when he stepped back, an advertisement popped up, and when he saw clearly that the advertisement was two men doing piston movements, calm as he was, he couldn't help feeling ruthless There was a flash of lightning and thunder.

Seeing his expression, Miao Ran took the phone back knowingly, got up and went to the bar to fetch a bottle of wine.

"Drink?" He shook the bottle.

Si Nan silently picked up the wine glass placed beside him.

Miao Ran laughed out loud.

The pungent smell of alcohol brought him back to his senses, and Sinan frowned subconsciously: "You just talked about the issue of 'identity', so go ahead."

Miao Ran looked at his expression and said, "There are some people in this world who naturally don't identify with their own gender, just like a man who naturally thinks that he should be a woman, and a woman who naturally thinks that he should be a man."

"It is very difficult for homosexuals and transgenders to identify themselves. First of all, it is difficult for themselves, and secondly, there are pressures from family and society. Just like the 'original sin' in the Western world, the three words 'homosexual' , seems to be born to represent sins and faults." It was rare for Miao Ran to be serious, and her voice was different from before, revealing silence and loneliness.

"But it shouldn't be a wrong thing to like someone."

Si Nan was silent for a while before raising his head, and asked, "Is this what you mean by Chen Sen's secret?"

Miao Ran kept smiling, and suddenly changed the subject: "I went to a friend's new bar to play two weeks ago, and I met a kid who looked pretty, but it wasn't my taste. When we were playing games together, I lost, and I want to show everyone the photos in the mobile phone album No.13..." Miao Ran paused here, and the corners of her mouth ticked off, as if she was talking like a storyteller in a teahouse fight. "What a coincidence, the No.13 photo happened to be a photo of Chen Sen and you."

Miao Ran raised her hands: "First declare that I didn't secretly take the pictures!"

Simon: "You continue."

"Then there is the kid I mentioned to you. He drank too much, and pointed at the photo and yelled, saying that he knew the person in the photo. I'm not sure who he was talking about, so I sacrificed the hue Take him away from the bureau. The kid told me that he knew Chen Sen two or three years ago. Once in a KTV, he drank too much and went to the toilet. When he came out I was entangled by an old man, and it happened that Chen Sen also came out of the toilet, so I saved him on the way."

"Chen Sen looks good, but his appearance was too dramatic. The kid fell in love with him at the time, and insisted on asking for his contact information. After that, he always liked to go to him. But according to him, it was because Chen Sen didn't like it very much. He came to look for him, and when the two met after the first few times, it was Chen Sen who took the initiative to look for him."

When Miao Ran said this, she purposely made a fool of herself and stopped.

But Sinan couldn't get his point at all, and looked at him suspiciously: "Go on!"

Miao Ran shrugged: "But the kid said that every time Chen Sen approached him, he didn't do anything and didn't talk too much. He either dragged him to sit in a daze on the playground, or went to an Internet cafe to play games to sleep. Only once—"

……

"I don't know what happened that time. He called me when he drank too much. I was at home on vacation and went out after receiving his call. He said he didn't want to go home. We found a small hotel and slept until midnight. , he suddenly turned around and hugged me, didn't say anything, and turned around quickly. I was happy at first! I felt that we had finally made some progress with him, but who knew that after that time, he completely broke up with me. Contacted, inexplicably..."

……

After Miao Ran's story was finished, Sinan was silent for a while before speaking: "So you think Chen Sen is the same."

Miao Ran curled her lips: "Whether he is the only one who knows." With a sly smile, "But I have a hunch that he is."

"The intuition of gays is very accurate, just like a woman's sixth sense." Miao Ran added.

Sinan was a little panicked and heavy in his heart.

"Do you like him?" Miao Ran asked suddenly.

Si Nan was slightly taken aback.

He is not someone who can easily express his feelings, so he instinctively wants to avoid such intimate issues.But he didn't know whether it was because he got too much explosive information today, or because Miao Ran's homosexuality gave him a certain sense of security, so he nodded subconsciously.

Miao Ran looked at him with an expression of "I knew it".

Si Nan showed hesitation.

Miao Ran suddenly became generous: "You can ask whatever you want."

Si Nan organized the wording: "Do your family members know that you are gay?"

"know."

"Then they..."

"I'm breaking up with my family now, and I'm living alone." Miao Ran's voice was light and light, and it wasn't an attitude of indifference, but she just had to accept the reality.

Si Nan became even more silent, he seemed to be always silent today.

"People like us are safer hiding in the closet, but not necessarily out of the closet. So Sinan, even if you like him, even if you two like each other, it depends on whether you can be brave for each other, for each other Be firm." When Miao Ran said these words, his eyes seemed to go back to the distant past through the silent young man in front of him, like belated comfort, he said with a sigh, "This road is really difficult, you Think about it."