I exchange my innocence for ten years for your constant companion

Yesterday I went to Yuexiu from the rented house to find a lecture theater to review.I feel that my review is much late, others are in the sprint stage, and I am still starting.

His girlfriend is responsible for cooking for him, and can even play a game with him at night.He's still nice to me, at least that's what I think, but I'd rather he wasn't so nice to me.I can see that since he moved to live there, he doesn't bother to think about anything, doesn't want to bother, he just wants to study hard!

I'm probably free, so I'm always feeling awkward. Even though I feel that I'm not feeling awkward anymore, I still subconsciously want to avoid the two of them.I don't want to see them both, really don't!

I decided that I should study hard, really study hard, and just pretend to take the postgraduate entrance examination in my heart, because this is my obsession!Don't want to give up!

I work hard to learn, just like my former classmates said-like a learning machine.I think this is very good, although it is just like a learning machine, although I feel uncomfortable when I go home alone at night, but after walking that short distance, I can still get into the sea of ​​books and questions, and only the questions are in my heart , Only knowledge points.Even on that dark road, I knew that my shadow was always with me and never left.

Since I learned "Chen Qing Biao" in high school, there is a word in it-"Shadow and Shadow", I feel that this word is very good, very appropriate, and very vivid.Especially when I am alone, when I am far away in a foreign land, I look at my own shadow.Unlike "Looking at the Shadow and Self-pity", "Shadow and Shadow" will not be so negative and sad, at least the degree is not so deep, and the sadness is not so strong, but the feeling in it will always be "like a person who drinks water and knows how warm it is"!

This is my understanding of the term.Fortunately, I learned this word. When I am alone and feel lonely, I can still look at my own shadow, at least my own shadow is with me.

It's so hypocritical, it's a bit like "sorry about writing new words", but I just feel that way occasionally!

As I grow older, I feel more and more that only I can understand my own feelings. No matter how good your expressive ability is, no matter how similar the person you confide to is, the other party can only "empathize" at most, and can only be "Empathy", and probably only "empathy" at that moment, that moment.Because they are not you after all, because they may have their own annoying things to worry about in the next moment, who will always remember your sadness at that moment, because, maybe in the next moment, even yourself will no longer be sad for that moment!

I don't know what I live for, is it a responsibility, or just don't want to die?

During the sophomore winter vacation (maybe it was summer vacation?), one night, I felt very cold. Even under the quilt, I felt clammy and clammy. I had never felt so cold.At that time, Xing did not have a girlfriend.I sent him a QQ message. (I searched for a long time, but I couldn't find the screenshot of the original news. His words that night remained deep in my heart. I found some screenshots of Hechen's news. I forgot and didn't want to see it. I didn't want to let myself uncomfortable)

At that time, I had the idea of ​​not wanting to live again, and it was very strong, even stronger than in the third and fourth years of high school, and tears flowed from the corners of my eyes occasionally.I think I sent a QQ message to Xing in order to catch the last straw. It was very late that day, and there was thunder and heavy rain outside the window.

I didn't expect that Xing would reply to my message, I just had such a glimmer of hope in my heart that he would reply to my message.After talking about it, I have been grinding with Xing for a long time, which probably means that I don't want to live anymore, and I can't find a reason to live.

When I was suffering before, I always used such reasons to convince myself to live: jumping off a building is too painful to jump off; It hurts; jumping into the river, the current water is so polluted and dirty... In the end, let's live well!

But that day, it seemed that all the above were just excuses. If you really want to die, you don’t care about those at all...

Xing said that it is bad and unlucky to say that word often, so let me stop saying that word often.

After a while, Xing said: If you really, really can't find a reason to live, then... for me, even for me... please live well, okay?

When I saw his words at the time, I was moved in my heart, and the words hit my heart!After repeated confirmation several times, after confirming that I read correctly and he correctly typed, I was moved and rolled on the bed...

Until now, when I think about this question, I know in my heart that there is such a person, besides my parents and family, who cares about me, who really cares about me, at least once!I am very happy in my heart, and I don't have any thoughts of suicide!

Anyone who sees this, will they have such thoughts: Why am I not with Xing?

Because, I can't be with him!Neither his parents nor mine would approve!From what I know about him, he won't come out for me, and I can't come out for him either!

I've never thought about what it's like to do it in bed with him, I've slept in the same bed with him more than once, but never thought about anything like that.There was a short period of time when I thought about being with him, but it was only for a short period of time.

Xing asked me after he knew that I liked Shangchen. He asked me if I had that feeling for her, and I answered truthfully.He already had a girlfriend at that time, so he was relieved when he heard my answer.

I have been to Xing's house many times. After graduating from high school, I go to his house twice a year, once in winter vacation and once in summer vacation, at least once a year.His parents also welcome me, although it is somewhat because my family is richer than his family.I still have this vision, but I just know it in my heart.

I didn't go during the winter vacation last year because I was carrying water in the hospital.His father was not feeling well either, so he went to the county hospital for a gastroscopy.Last year, I obediently went to the hospital for drips before I even finished visiting the only three relatives I wanted to visit.

The last time I went to Xing's house was in the first lunar month, just after the new year, I slept with him at his house for two nights, just chatting under the quilt.When I wanted to go home, he didn't want me to go home, and his parents didn't want me to go home so early.His parents are mostly polite, but he really doesn't want me to come home, I can see that.I don't want to go home so soon, but my upbringing told me that it's time to go home!

Stars are different to me, I know.I was drunk that day and drank the rice wine warmed by his mother. Although I only drank a little, I was just a little dizzy.I took the initiative to shake his hand, took his hand and sat on his bed, talking about the excuse I wanted to leave...

Well, today is going to finish, I don't want to write anymore.I want to study hard, and put aside any emotion or love!If you don't get into the graduate school, you have to go to work. How can there be so much leisure time? Maybe, a blind date, a baby, this life will pass like this!

I originally planned to write about the senior year in the future, but now I haven't written the details from the first year to the third year~

Life can be as thick as a long period of time from birth to death; it can also be as short as two lines on the tombstone, one was born in a certain year and died in a certain year and then disappeared...

You don't bring a cloud when you come, and you don't take anything away when you go!Only I know the taste in the middle, and only I bear it silently.When I can't bear it anymore, it's time to go back.I only hope, and I only hope that after I have dealt with everything, I can return to nothingness with peace of mind!

Don't people come from nothingness and return to nothingness?Why bother where it goes.

☆、Chapter 23