In Sunshine or In Shadow

Growing up, he'd come up with bad ideas from time to time, but one of the worst was touring Ireland with a carload of single GLBT members.When booking the trip, Keel also thought it was a great idea.No need to hide your sexuality; surrounded by a group of single men who have at least one thing in common, two if you count Ireland; and no need to drive.But now, he felt that he might have a better time traveling by car with a map.

First, the bachelors he was traveling with were either too old or too young.Next, Keel found that he and others had only one thing in common: "like men".He has been outside the mainstream civilized society all year round, and he no longer knows how to deal with people who are not policemen.

The second mistake Kiel made was revealing his occupation to others.He should have thought of it.Normally Keir wouldn't make this kind of mistake, but there was a fake, jovial atmosphere on the tour bus that blinded him and made him uncharacteristically candid.On his second night in Galway, after a few drinks, he confided in Terry Schwitzer.After listening to Keel's confession, Terry smiled brightly.Not long after, he got up and left.The next morning, everyone in the car knew that Keir Quinn was Detective Kieran Quinn of the Los Angeles Police Department in his hometown in the United States.In the end, Keel's only traveling companions were two good-natured lesbians.Those two ladies were from Milwaukee.As former FBI agents, they know that keeping secrets is like saving their lives.

He misses Rick.

He misses Rick more than he thinks.Before he decided to leave, he knew that this parting would hurt him to the bone.

He also tried not to continue to entangle, after all, there is no point in entanglement.Rick was very clear about what he wanted and what he didn't want.He accepts Gere as a sidekick and good buddy, but not a lover and a life partner.He didn't want to spend more time talking about this matter, and he didn't want to hear Kiel talk about their relationship.For Rick anyway, they tried, but it didn't fit.

That's what's been bothering Keel, because they're clearly in tune.Their relationship has always been good.Relaxed, comfortable, even the love affair is great.Man, it feels really good to be with someone who understands who you are, who accepts who you are, and who likes who you are.And Rick is that kind of guy.

However, the girl named Holland got into big trouble at this time.At the time, they were investigating the suspected suicide of Tian Holland's boyfriend.During the third interview, Holland, devastated, pulled out a gun.Keel lunged to grab the gun, but it went off, shooting a hole in the ceiling above Tian Holland's head.That day, it was not only the few people present who were burned by gunpowder, but also the relationship between Keir and Rick.

"I think, let's take it easy," Rick told Keel the next morning.The night before was the best they ever did.A brush with death is what makes it a little bit more intense.I didn't play any new tricks, just... Well, the two of them seem to be a little emotional.

"Why?" Keel asked him.

"It always feels... a little stressful."

What does it mean?Rick raised his brown eyes, and he looked at Kiel, expressionless.

"Okay," Keel shrugged. "Should I take a shower first? Or you?"

He thought Rick was just talking.Or, at least...he felt that Rick might have some knots in his heart, and he needed time to sort it out.But he was actually serious.Since then, they never went to each other's house for a sleepover, and they didn't even hang out together anymore.It wasn't until Rick started dating a young flight attendant from Colorado that they resumed the habit of getting together after get off work.

Gradually, Keir understood.It's really over between them, at least for Rick.

Keel tried his best, but such efforts were as futile as putting the genie back in the bottle.He couldn't be Rick's friend back, and certainly not to develop the relationship further.The most practical way, and his only way out, is to cut off the relationship with Rick.But this kind of thing is easier said than done.He spent four full months watching Rick get back together with a handsome and rich West Hollywood veterinarian.He finally made up his mind.

In any case, he doesn't regret his decision.When he sat on the bus and watched the green countryside flash by before him, he felt quite comfortable.But Keir still felt that it would be fine if he didn't follow the group.The scenery of Ireland is very beautiful. No matter where you go, you can see the ruins of castles and towers, sheep gnawing grass and ancient cemeteries everywhere.Every village you pass, no matter how small, has at least two pubs.Even the ugly, industrialized towns have a quaint, exotic feel to them, because this is Ireland after all.

He just wanted Rick to be by his side, enjoying the scenery with him.

He just wished he could get Rick out of his mind.

***

The phone rang and rang.Rick picked it up. "Monaghan." His voice sounded harsh.

"Good morning," Keel said in a drawn out voice.He was lying in bed, in the "upscale" hotel where the tour group was staying.Moonlight poured through the lace curtains, printing a pattern on the wall.He stared at the lines, held his lower body with one hand, and stroked it leisurely.

"My God—" Rick hummed, but through the fiber optic cable across the Atlantic, Keel heard the laughter mixed with it. "You bastard, I just said that you should settle down at this time. I think you are having a good time?"

"Guess right." With his eyes half-opened, Keel lay lazily on the bed, moving one hand up and down.He imagined Rick's big hands holding him...

"What time is it over there?"

Keel struggled to glance at the hotel clock. "It's late." It was about three o'clock in the morning.At this time, it seems to be around seven o'clock in the evening in Los Angeles.Rick was probably on his way out.Is he still hooking up with that vet?Keel clenched his hands tightly and increased the strength and speed of his strokes.His breathing was a little short, "How is the case going?"

"Still the same." Rick soon began to talk vividly about the case.Once, it had been their joint case, but when Kiel returned, he had only two weeks left at the bureau.Rick's speech slowed down.Perhaps because he remembered Keir's resignation, he also remained silent.There was embarrassment in the air.

In the interval of silence, pleasure ran through Kiel's body.He bit his lip, barely able to hold back the cry that was about to blurt out, he felt the white liquid spurt from between his fingers, and spilled onto his abdomen and chest.

Rick's inquiry seemed to come from far away—he changed the subject, "So, is the Guinness over there ① good? Is it what you think?"

① Guinness is a national treasure brand in Ireland.

His heartbeat slowed and his breathing became even.This wasn't a landslide-like experience, he just trembled slightly.Keel came back to his senses, "It's pretty good. The taste of Guinness here is really different."

"I guess you don't go to bars less and listen to ditties, don't you?"

"That's right. There is an orchestra performing here probably every night. It's very nice. If you can come, you will definitely like it."

"Oh, yes."

Keel opened his mouth, but couldn't utter a word.No, no.He wanted to say too much.Even if he knew where to start, what was the use?Rick is a man, he won't listen to others.

So, he tries to turn the conversation back to the case.But Rick cut him off. "Is it because of the Martinez case? Is that why you resigned? I know you. You don't like cases involving kids, juveniles."

So, he walked down the steps that Rick had laid. "Part of it, I suppose."

"Then you don't have to resign. You can transfer to another district, you can..."

He really didn't want to confess to Rick, but he couldn't lie to him. "Actually... I'm leaving California."

There was a sudden silence on the phone, so quiet that even the slightest noise could not be heard, Keel thought the line was cut off.

"Rick?"

"You're...leaving California?" Rick asked blankly.

"Yes, I'm leaving."

"I don't understand."

It was hard, but Keir told him, "You understand."

Another silence crossed the Atlantic to his ears.

Finally, Rick asked gruffly, "What do you mean? Give me an ultimatum?"

"Come on, Monaghan. You know I'm not like that."

"I have no idea what kind of person you are."

Rick cut off the phone.

***

There's still half an hour to go.There is plenty of time, if the speed is a little faster, Keel can go downstairs to have breakfast.Like the prosciutto known as "Irish bacon," or the exotic "pudding."He put his suitcase in the lobby of the hotel so that when the driver came he could carry it with other passengers' luggage to the bus.Behind him, the phone rang.The loud, incessant ringing signaled that it was a call from the United States.Keel ran back into the room, flung himself on the bed, and grabbed the receiver.

"Hey?"

"Two Irish policemen came out of a pub," Rick's voice came over the receiver.

Keel smiled briefly.

"Hey! It's possible, too!"

"What are you doing?" Keel's expression was reflected in the mirror above the desk.His smile disappeared.This look is really pitiful.

"I don't know. Hey, no matter what happens, we're still friends, right?"

"of course."

"Okay. I just want to make sure."

"We're still friends," Keir said.Isn't it weird to be choked up on a phone call?It should be very strange.

"Friends? We're tight buddies," Rick added, a little awkwardly. "I think I was the one who kept talking last night."

This time, Keel smiled.He looked at the clock on the bedside table. "Hey, I have to go. We're going to take the ferry to the island."

"What island?"

"Inishboffin. White Cow Isle. Over there on the west coast of Galway."

"Is that the old home of the Inish Borffin Carey Band?"

②InishbofinCeili, the "band" invented by Rick, ridicules Irish culture.

"Yes." From before to now, Irish music, mountaineering, and truth, justice and the American spirit have always been the few things they have in common.Unfortunately, only these are far from enough.Keel said, "I'll send you a postcard."

"Maybe I haven't received it when you come back."

Ah, even if Keir leaves the United States, he may still not receive this postcard.

They were silent, each with his own mind.Gere said, "Well, I didn't mean to hide it from you. I wanted you to come with me."

The voice fell, and the ensuing silence tormented his heart.Finally, Rick said hesitantly, "Keil—"

But he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Let's talk later," Keel said, before hanging up.