Ask your heart and soul

For several days in a row, as if possessed by a demon, Bai Wan's mind echoed Fu Ye's words from time to time.

"What are you after?"

After debuting, there used to be some in-depth talk shows, and the host would ask similar questions in a serious manner. At that time, Bai Wan only had to answer according to the standard answers prepared in advance.

"I started to learn guitar and music since I was a child. Music is the nutrient for my growth. Of course, what I pursue in my life is to bring more good songs to everyone. Parents? Of course my parents are very supportive. They hope that I can do what I like thing……"

These high-sounding words, fans often take it as an imperial decree and spread it everywhere, proving that he is such a good singer who is positive, sunny, capable and an idol.Compared with his own crappy disguise, in the Internet age, it is obvious that brokerage companies and media marketing know how to create a perfect star.In front of the fans, he doesn't need to show his true self, he just needs to show the pile of designed data, which makes Bai Wan feel safe.

However, people can be faked, but music cannot be faked.Although he is low-key and easy-going in front of the public, some people always point out that there is no desire, no emotion, and nothing that can move people in his singing.It turned out that when he sang those commercial songs at Jincheng Entertainment, he was able to spread widely because of the catchy melody. Later, when he came to Zhonghai Music, he blindly followed his own ideas. The two albums he released were high and low, and the results were not satisfactory.Although he doesn't care, the fans care, and the boss cares even more. After all, he is a human being, so how can he be so chic?

Sometimes thinking about it, he really envies Jiang Zhiming.Just walk away, so free and easy.

Bai Wan stood on her balcony for a while.The evening wind in early summer blows slowly, and the neon lights of the whole city are shining one by one, which complements the stars in the sky, as if the market in the sky has been moved to the world.Bai Wan couldn't help but think of when he first came to this city, standing alone in the depths of such bright and prosperous lights, looking around, there was really an indescribable loneliness and desolation.

But compared to now, at least at that time his heart was quiet and determined.

Bai Wan walked to the bedroom and dragged out a small leather box from under the bed.Back then, when he left home, he didn't bring his clothes, daily necessities, or bank card, so he took a little cash and this small suitcase, and took a day and night by train to come here.Afterwards, no matter how he wandered around, until he bought this house in the city center after it became popular, he never discarded this box.

Bai Wan entered the password, opened the suitcase, and saw neat stacks of blue cassettes, all of which were the most popular music of the year.He saved his breakfast money little by little, went to the video store on the corner to buy it, and carefully took it home and hid it.There is a small Sony Walkman on the second layer of the box. One corner of the fuselage is broken, but it does not affect the use.He put one of the cassettes in, installed the battery, pressed the switch, and the Walkman made a whizzing sound. An intermittent female voice came from the old earphone, and soon it stopped.

It's been too long since I've played it, so I can't listen to it anymore.

Bai Wan took off the earphones, and pulled out the things that were pressed at the bottom of the box.It was a fragmented lyrics book, each page was written by Bai Wan himself, and he also pasted it up with his own hands.He opened one of the pages, and the handwriting was already smudged, maybe it was wet from tears.Bai Wan didn't remember ever crying. At that time at home, no matter how fierce the beatings were, he could still hold back his silence.

But it is also possible that he just cried, because what his father tore up was his first and most precious dream.

After many years, he no longer remembers what happened at that time. After all, such things have happened many times, almost every day.His father's rage and his mother's indifference, like a reprint, were imprinted in his heart day after day.His mother was a very aloof woman who could arouse little enthusiasm for anything but her work.Bai Wan seldom saw her laugh, nor did she express disgust or resentment emotionally.It is always the father who gets angry and throws things, and the mother is indifferent.She does the same with her son.Bai Wan knew that his birth was a mistake, his mother was not ready to welcome him, it was the absurd coercion of his drunken father that brought him into this world.And since he was born, the house has been as cold as an icehouse, with no communication, no interaction, no emotion.Until now, he couldn't figure out why his mother married his father and why they didn't divorce.Even though he later figured out that most people's marriages were just an exchange of benefits, no one got any benefits from his parents' deal.They are like a pair of resentful couple who can't be separated but can't get together, everything is just torturing each other.

At that time, Bai Wan's only happiness was watching the program "Continuous Music" every Friday after school in classmate's home. This program would show five new hit songs and MVs a week. Copy down your favorite lyrics in a notebook and practice hard.He really likes listening to songs, and he also began to try to imitate the singing performances of different singers.Gradually, all the classmates in the class knew that he had a good voice, and they called him for theatrical performances in the school.

But the budding music dream was eventually destroyed by his father's alcoholism and his mother's running away.His lyrics book was torn up, and the Walkman was slammed to the ground with a corner knocked off.

From that day on, my mother never came back, and my father became more and more irritable.It turned out that although the father was angry and cursed, he rarely did anything. After the mother left, he seemed to have lifted a prison and started beating Bai Wan.They beat and scolded him, saying that he was just like his mother, a wooden man, a robot, ungrateful, ungrateful, and cold-blooded.The more his father was like this, the more reticent Bai Wan was, wrapping himself tightly in a thick shell, that was the place he felt the safest.He no longer listens to or sings, and the only thought in his mind is to study hard, get into college and leave this home.

On the day when the notice came out, his father knew that he had secretly changed his will. The furious father wanted to slap him, but Bai Wan easily held his arm.Bai Wan was surprised to find that his father, who had been insane for so many years, and who would scare him in his dreams, was so weak and vulnerable.He pushed his father aside, turned and left.

Once I left, I never went back.

The first thing she did when she entered university was Bai Wan approached the Minister of Culture and Entertainment and expressed her desire to participate in the freshman performance.At that time, he just wanted to give himself a chance to see if he could still sing. Unexpectedly, this small act changed his fate.

He met Sui Feng and joined the "Mad Eagle Band".It was the band that gave him a real sense of home, so no matter what Sui Feng said or did, he always supported him.Sui Feng said that he wants to hold the concert all over the world, so that everyone can hear their voices.Even though Bai Wan felt that this dream was out of reach, she followed him to all kinds of performances inside and outside the school without saying a word.

That was the period when they were most energetic. Sui Feng wrote many songs, almost all of which were tailor-made for Bai Wan.Baiwan's sound conditions are very good, with bright treble and deep bass, which fits seamlessly with the band, and the "Mad Eagle Band" gradually gained its reputation.

When he was at his most energetic, Sui Feng went to a tattoo shop and had an eagle tattooed on his arm.It took several times to complete such a large pattern, and the last time was Bai Wan who accompanied Sui Feng.Seeing Sui Fengguang sitting there with his arms folded, with a generous expression on his face, he couldn't help laughing.

"It hurts so much, why do you need tattoos?"

"This, this is faith." Sui Feng grinned and said.

"What belief?"

"Love and freedom."

In those days, those who played underground bands always liked to use these nonsensical things to inspire themselves and others.But Bai Wan believes that Sui Feng is sincere. He looks calm and sophisticated, but he is actually a very sensitive and affectionate person. In his life, love and freedom are indispensable.

The eagle is vivid and lifelike on Sui Feng's arm.Its eyes are as dazzling and brilliant as sapphires, and its wings are very gorgeous, blue and red, with a faint luster in the sun, as if it will fly in the next second.

Sui Feng said to Bai Wan: "Do you touch?"

Bai Wan tentatively put her hand on the eagle's eyes to cover the dazzling gaze, then traced her fingertips along the warm skin all the way down to Sui Feng's wrist, which was where the eagle's tail was.

On impulse, Sui Feng flipped his wrist and held his hand.

Both were stunned.

After a long time, Sui Feng stammered and said, "Why don't you get a tattoo too?"

Bai Wan smiled and broke away from him: "I'm afraid of pain."

He was really afraid of pain, so he didn't understand why he got so nervous that he actually went to the tattoo shop.The boss asked him what he wanted to get tattooed, and he said, "A snail. Very small."

The boss had never heard of anyone wanting to have a snail tattoo, so he looked at him and wondered, "Where is the tattoo?"

Bai Wan thought for a while and said, "Chest."

"The tattoo on the chest hurts, can you bear it?"

Sui Feng has endured such a big tattoo, can't he bear it? !

So Bai Wan nodded.

As a result, he had a tattoo of a very small snail for nearly a month because of the pain.This location is very hidden, he didn't tell anyone, not even Sui Feng, that he had a snail on his chest.

At that time, he was like this little snail who finally mustered up the courage to carefully stick out the tentacles out of the wall, trying to connect to other people's worlds, but ultimately failed.

Bai Wan went again to "open my voice."

It has been more than a month since I met Sui Feng and the others last time.Sure enough, the "Mad Eagle Band" no longer sang there.There was a gentle song in the bar. It was a long-haired girl who sang, and when she saw Bai Wan walk in, she gave him a wink.

The biggest advantage of "opening your voice" is that no matter how big the star is, they will not be disturbed here.At most, he was greeted with eye contact.

Bai Wan pretended not to notice, walked straight to the bar, ordered a cocktail, and poured it herself.

A moment later, someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Brother Long?" Bai Wan turned around and asked in surprise, "Why did you come here today?"

The owner of the bar, Long Ge, was very close to Bai Wan back then, but he has businesses everywhere, Shenlong never sees the end, and rarely appears in "open voice".

"Just in time. I heard you're here, hurry up and entertain the big star." Brother Long said heartily, "Drink slowly, tonight will be mine."

Bai Wan didn't refuse: "Thanks then."

The two drank a few glasses.

As soon as Brother Long got drunk, he started to ask sensitive questions: "You didn't come to see Sui Feng, did you? I heard that you two met last time, and you haven't made up yet?"

Bai Wan was taken aback for a moment and shook her head.

"It's been more than three years." Long Ge sighed, "It was so good at the beginning, why can't we explain clearly in person?"

"A lot of things are unclear."

Brother Long observed Bai Wan's expression and asked, "Did you find the producer last time?"

"What producer?"

"Didn't you find it?" Long Ge asked suspiciously, "I thought he was from China Overseas Music and wanted to sign the band, so I thought it was you who introduced him."

When it became popular just now, Bai Wan really thought about making up for it, and wanted to introduce resources to Sui Feng and help him.Sui Feng's self-esteem is strong, he always does these things secretly and never shows up.However, Sui Feng was as stubborn as a rock, he refused to enter, resolutely refused to sign a contract or make a debut.After a long time, he also gave up.Especially after Cheng Yin became the lead singer, Bai Wan knew that Sui Feng would never give up the band no matter what.

But now, the one who can find Sui Feng must be someone from Su Xu, after all, Su Xu praised Cheng Yin's singing that day.

"Did they sign it?" Bai Wan's heart was pounding.He doesn't want to work with Cheng Yin at all, and he doesn't think there is a market for being a band now.

"No." Long Ge said, "They rejected it as soon as they heard it was Zhonghai Music, so I guess you haven't made up yet."

Bai Wan breathed a sigh of relief and sighed again, feeling an indescribable sadness in her heart.

He is not a person who is sad, and he does not like to let emotions control reason.But for a while, there was always a sticky feeling haunting him, which made him at a loss and didn't know what to do.

It was all because of Fu Ye's question, which reminded him of the past again and again.

At this time, the resident female singers on the stage finished singing and stepped off the stage gracefully.

Bai Wan's heart moved, and she said to Long Ge: "Let me sing a song, it's your reward for treating me to a drink."

"Okay!"

The big singer wants to perform, and Long Ge is too happy to be in time, so there is no reason to disagree.

Immediately invited Bai Wan to the stage.

Holding the wooden guitar in her arms, Bai Wan flicked it lightly, and played it clumsily.

His guitar was taught by Sui Feng, he hasn't practiced for a long time, and he is not proficient. This ballad-like love song is also a bit vulgar.But Bai Wan's singing made up for everything.Soon, everyone in the bar stopped their movements and looked at him in unison.Even those who wanted to leave stopped at the door.

They are immersed in the clear and watery voice of the night:

"The sunflower chases the sun, I chase you

Colorful clouds chase the moon, I chase you

The eagle chases the sky, I chase you

The spring breeze chases poetry, I chase you

I am chasing and chasing the love in this world, love is you"

This is a song that has never been sung publicly.

Written by Sui Feng.

Back then, it was prepared for Bai Wan to sing, and it was posted on the band's website.But because Cheng Yin sang this song on Sui Feng's birthday, Sui Feng finally removed this song from the repertoire.

At the birthday party, Bai Wan lowered her head slightly, holding the guitar he was going to give to Sui Feng, half of her face was hidden in the shadows, so that no one could see his expression.

And Cheng Yin, in front of all of them, spoke bravely.

Bai Wan had to admit that Cheng Yin sang very touchingly, and the most touching thing was that his emotions were completely integrated into the song, bright and pious, like a sunflower chasing the sun.

After a song was sung, everyone didn't speak for a long time, as if they were shocked.

After a long time, Sui Feng stood up and offered Cheng Yin a glass of wine: "Thank you, you sang very well."

Cheng Yin drank the glass of wine flattered, his whole face flushed.

Liang Chengzhu patted him on the shoulder with a smile: "This is good! Now we have two lead singers!"

This was quite inappropriate, Sui Feng glared at Liang Chengzhu, Cheng Yin quickly said weakly: "I just sing casually, how can I compare to Brother Bai Wan?"

Sui Feng randomly brushed Cheng Yin's hair, and said with a smile: "You are much better than your brother Bai Wan, Bai Wan would not sing such a song to me. Words would kill him, wouldn't they?"

Sui Feng looked at him while talking, his eyes were full of helplessness and affection.

Bai Wan was burned by his eyes, and quickly avoided them, but accidentally met Cheng Yin's eyes.He watched the child go from joy to disappointment, and finally the light in his eyes was completely extinguished, and his heart skipped a beat.

So it turns out, so it turns out, Cheng Yin has such feelings for Sui Feng? !Bai Wan suddenly realized, while being amazed by Cheng Yin's emotions, she couldn't help being a little confused - what about Sui Feng and herself?

He remembered a time when he was drunk, Sui Feng hugged him, and his lips brushed against his neck intentionally or unintentionally, like a kiss that seemed like nothing.

Is that a kiss?

Bai Wan didn't know, he was very upset.

After the birthday party, it seems that nothing has changed, but everything has changed.

At least for Bai Wan.He felt like a tightly corked glass bottle, with hot water dangling in it, but it couldn't pour out at all.

He felt like he was going to explode.