Personality V: I will save everything

In fact, when I got on the car that day, I knew that I might never return to this place called home, but I was actually secretly happy at the time because I knew this was the best ending for all of us.

Later, when I was sent to an orphanage, I continued to be what I always was - a good kid.

It was not until then that I realized that the orphanage seemed to be a more suitable place for me to live.

Well-behaved children there can make the teachers in the orphanage worry less and they will not pay too much attention to them. There, making noise seems to be a bargaining chip to gain love.

That's really the best thing for me......

I didn't want any so-called care in the first place, whether it was from my biological parents or the teachers in the orphanage. The reason I did that and was a good child was simply because I knew it was the right thing to do.

In the orphanage, the only thing I had to be careful about was not to attract too much attention, but that was exactly what I was best at.

I don't have much ability to distinguish a person's appearance. To be more precise, I can't tell whether a person is beautiful or ugly.

I can't even tell whether I look good or ugly, but what I know is that I have to lower my head, because I can't gamble, because whether I look good or ugly, I will attract attention, I can only beg myself to have an ordinary appearance.

But I can't tell the difference, so I can only keep my head down in front of others and stay in the corner like the most inconspicuous dust.

I don't want to adopt a child after graduation because I know clearly the outcome of adoption. It is just experiencing again what happened in my previous home and then being abandoned again.

And I'm not sure if I will return to this orphanage after being abandoned again.

It's not that I miss this place, it's just that I know the personality and situation of every teacher in this orphanage, and I know what to do in order to avoid attracting their attention. I just don't want to change to another orphanage and have to figure it all out again, that would be too troublesome.

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"The gods opened their mouths,

Let me know who I am,

It pushes me upwards,

Over the dust and ashes."

After a long time, the teachers in the orphanage no longer paid attention to me, and even the children in the orphanage ignored me, but this is what I wanted. The only problem was that after a long time, my hair grew longer.

And I am increasingly unable to tell who the person in the mirror is. Logically, the reflection in the mirror should be me, but I can't. When I look at the reflection in the mirror, it feels like I'm looking at a stranger.

Especially now that my hair has grown longer, I was surprised to find that I could hardly tell whether the person in the mirror was a man or a woman.

Some people may find it strange that I had long hair, but the teachers and orphans in the orphanage didn’t notice it. But when I was in school, did the teachers there not notice it either?

Of course they noticed it, but no teacher cared. After all, how could a school funded by an orphanage be a private school?

Public schools themselves have relatively lax management, and my grades were always very good at the time, because excellent grades were also considered good for children.

He had good grades so no one cared too much about him, and since he was an orphan and had no parents who cared about him, the teachers didn't bother to care either.

What's more, I just have ordinary long hair. I still tie it up during class. Compared with me, those students who dye or perm their hair into messy styles seem to need more discipline.

It was called peace and tranquility. Despite being ignored by my classmates and teachers, I persisted until the college entrance examination and obtained the first place in the city.

Suddenly, many people came to "congratulate" me. It was not until then that I realized that I had so many "friends" around me...

So disgusting...

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"I have to stop and stop,

The night flies on my back,

Come on, let's party, let's party,

Never fall."

I originally thought that as long as I could hold on until I graduated from college, I would be free, but I forgot one thing, and that was my roommates in the college dormitory.

Everyone was very nice to me at the beginning. Because I was an orphan, and although my tuition was subsidized by the government, I had to earn my living expenses by working part-time.

At the beginning, my roommates also tried their best to help me, such as treating me to meals or getting me water.

But after a long time, what happened in my childhood seemed to happen again.

They no longer liked to talk to me and distanced themselves from me intentionally or unintentionally. The most obvious sign was that one time when I returned to the dormitory, everyone who was originally chatting enthusiastically suddenly became quiet.

When did it start? I don't know, because by the time I noticed it, it was already happening.

But after all, we were all adults, and they didn't make a big fuss like my brothers and sisters. But one day when I returned to the dormitory, I found their beds were empty.

fine,

Because now the whole dormitory is mine. I have never had a room of my own since I was a child.

I didn't have it when I was in that so-called home, because I was born suddenly and I slept in the same room with my brother.

Later, when I arrived at the orphanage, there was no such thing either. The reason was very simple. Where would the orphanage get so much money to provide a room for every child?

It's good to be alone.

and,

in a sense,

I am not alone.

I have me,

And the reflection in the mirror.

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"Sun, sun, please tell me,

Why why why?

So many regrets.”

When I have nothing to do, I don’t like to play cards and chat like other classmates. Most of the time I just sit alone holding a mirror and looking at my reflection in the mirror.

When you are alone, you tend to have random thoughts.

I began to wonder if there really is a so-called God in this world? If so, I hope he can answer a question for me: why does everyone's feelings have a price?

This is a question that has troubled me since I was a child.

This was the case in my original family. Why is it that parents' love is always based on their children being well-behaved and sensible?

It was the same when I was in the orphanage. It seemed that only by deliberately making noise and causing trouble could I attract the orphans and the attention of the teachers in the orphanage. Well-behaved children were easily ignored. But why was this so?

Even the small group in the university dormitory is like this. Why do you have to play like them in order to gain friendship?

Isn't it natural for parents to love their children? Why should we put a price on it?

Since the teachers in the orphanage are paid a salary and are willing to exchange their love for money, why can't they share it equally with every child in the orphanage?

In the dormitory, I did nothing wrong. I just had my own plans and didn't want them to be disrupted. Why must I be isolated?

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"Night, night, tell me,

What to do,

The soul will not be broken."

It seems that there will be no answers to all of this, and I still live my life step by step.

School, part-time job, dormitory,

Running back and forth between three places.

Originally, I just needed to wait until I graduated from college, but during one class, a teacher noticed the wound on my wrist.

It was not until then that my college counselor found out that I had been self-harming in my dorm room. Of course, that was his version of the story.

I don't think I was harming myself by doing that, I was just satisfying my own needs.

But of course, my counselor didn't think so. When he opened my dormitory and saw the mirror stained with blood, he immediately sent me to see a psychiatrist, although when I saw his expression at the time, I wanted to send me to a mental hospital.

The psychiatrist at the time asked me why I did this, and how did I answer?

“I want to connect….”

Because I suddenly realized that I seemed to have no connection with anything else in my life.

I once had parents, and I once had a connection made by blood and umbilical cord, but it was severed by my parents themselves.

Later in the orphanage, in order to prevent what happened in my childhood from happening again, I deliberately avoided other people. That could be considered as me taking the initiative to avoid contact with others.

When I got to college, I tried to connect with other people, with my old roommates, but it had been so long since I had connected with anyone, and I still messed up.

Everyone seems to be making connections, maintaining connections, and disconnecting, over and over again. This is a person's life.

I am the only one who has nothing from beginning to end...

The fruits that fall from the branches will eventually fall into the soil, sprout and take root, and then grow into a new big tree.

Or it may rot and become soil, and then connect with new fruits.

Or maybe you could just be eaten by the birds, merge with them, and soar into the sky.

But I can't seem to do it. It's like I'm stuck. I keep falling and never hit the soil. There's no way for me to rot, and no birds to eat me. I can only keep falling, without any connection with anything.

Even the me in the mirror seemed not to be me.

I just want so badly to have something that belongs to me from beginning to end.

That's why I cut my wrists in front of the mirror and spilled my blood on the mirror, or rather, on my reflection in the mirror.

Please at least let me have one that truly belongs to me, which is my reflection.

What do I have to do to have something that is truly mine?

Although my body is intact, it seems that my soul is already full of holes.

Should I follow the psychiatrist's advice?

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"It fell with a thump (the heart hidden in the shell was in a state of panic),

Boom, flowers bloom (look up and see the light of day),

It fell with a thump (life is empty),

I became a child again (the wind took me wandering).”

I have tried,

It's no use.

But at least I learned one thing, how to pretend to be an ordinary person and how to put on a mask to disguise myself.

It is troublesome to pretend to be an ordinary person, but it is also convenient at the same time. At least I won’t be sent to a mental hospital because of some messy things.

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"Flying over the ears of wheat,

Flying through the neon glow,

Flying over tombstones,

Flying over the rubble."

After graduating from college, I refused the qualification to continue my studies. Although my tutor tried his best to persuade me otherwise, I still gave up.

The reason is very simple. It’s just because my current education and knowledge are sufficient, I can support myself, and I don’t want to live an excellent life.

And if I keep reading, I'll be reliving what happened to me in my college dorm room all over again.

too tired.

I chose to find a job that was very leisurely and could be done in a rented house, then locked myself there and never communicated with anyone again.

It was also during that period that Identity V was launched, and I chose to give it a try, just like my college roommates who tried some mobile games.

I really like this game so much, not because it is so interesting, but simply because in this game, I can be a little bit like everyone else, with wins and losses. At least I am not "winning" all the time. I am finally a little bit like ordinary people.

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But that alone is not enough for me, I want more connections, more like normal people.

I seemed to be back to the question I thought about in college: What should I do to connect with others?

Umbilical cord? Blood? Love? Compassion? Joy? Friendship?

Everything is fine, I just want to feel love, I want to love others, and I want the people I love to love me.

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Looking back now, it might be this wish of mine that made the system choose me.

It really is......

Great.