[The Silmarillion] Romimus

"Here, this is for you." Romemus handed Ilfarin a small glass jar full of marmalade.

Ilfarin took it, and didn't thank you right away, but first unscrewed the jar, dabbed it with his finger, and put it in his mouth.

Unlike the pure sweetness of strawberry or peach jam, what gradually spreads on the tip of the tongue is a kind of sour orange fragrance.

"Is this just for me?" he asked.

"if not?"

"I mean..." Ilfarin was silent for a while, and the following words rolled on the tip of his tongue a few times as if it was difficult to say, and finally he asked an inexplicable question, "Glorfindel likes sour Is it an orange?"

As long as Romimus nodded, he could continue to deceive himself.But the other party smiled lightly and cleverly: "No, of course most people prefer ripe fruits in season, right?"

The meaning behind the words made Ilfarin shudder.

That's right, theoretically speaking, he should abandon all his own feelings, habits, and preferences.But many times Ilfarin had to admit helplessly: he was just a mortal.Today's him is shaped by his past self, and he is inevitably stained with the background of the past.

Ilfarin is the kind of child who has been judged as a weird child since he was very young, because he has not been very close to his parents since he was sensible.He is very worry-free, and he will listen to every word of his parents, but he has never made any demands or expectations of them.

Most of the time, Ilfarin's parents are perfectly fine with it, but occasionally, when they're in a good mood, they complain about why he doesn't know how to act like a baby like other children.

Ilfarin didn't understand why they said that. He had seen scenes where his brother and sister used to beg their parents for sweets or good morning kisses. Almost every time, they would be slapped away by the drunken father or the irritable mother. , even the younger brother who seemed to be the most beloved by the mother, was sold at the price of more than a dozen copper plates.

At the age of seven, Ilfarin, like his brothers and sisters, was realized their greatest value to the family. Because of the beautiful appearance, the price of Ilfarin was higher than that of any child before him. Du Gao, his parents were overjoyed, they were only focused on counting the money, and they didn't even look at their son who was being pulled into the car.

Ilfarin still cried when the carriage turned a corner and completely left the slum that could barely be called a home. He couldn't explain why, but since he could remember things clearly, he knew that this day would come sooner or later. Come, and have been waiting for it, when he was called by his mother and saw his father negotiating with a stranger at the door, the first thought that came to his mind was "Finally it's my turn".

When Ilfarin was seven years old, he, like his brothers and sisters, realized their greatest value to the family. Because of the beautiful appearance, Ilfarin sold for a higher price than any other child before. , his parents were overjoyed, they were only focused on counting the money, and they didn't even look at their son who was being pulled into the car.

Ilfarin still cried when the carriage turned a corner and completely left the slum that could barely be called a home. He couldn't explain why, but since he could remember things clearly, he knew that this day would come sooner or later. Come, and have been waiting for it, when he was called by his mother and saw his father negotiating with a stranger at the door, the first thought that came to his mind was "Finally it's my turn".

The person who bought Ilfarin at a high price was the daughter of a wealthy businessman, a pampered and domineering young lady, and also a crazy theater lover. Ilfarin was selected and bought back in the small theater troupe because there happened to be a shortage of a boy in the young lady's family small theater group.

From a certain point of view, being bought by the eldest lady is a lucky thing for Ilfarin. The eldest lady never treats the servants harshly when eating and dressing, and does not require him to do heavy physical work. Here he learned to read and read music, sing and dance, and if he can behave to satisfy his master, he will be rewarded with a lot of money.

However, it is not an easy task to satisfy the eldest lady. When it comes to drama performances, the eldest lady has a paranoid desire for control and perfectionism, and she is not relentless in punishing those who do not suit her.There was once an ugly character in the setting, just because the actor hadn't performed the inferiority complex she thought the character should have before the lady's patience ran out, she used a fire stick just taken out of the burning stove He directly slapped the man's face with a stick.

Ilfarin also suffered a lot under the Missy at the beginning. He didn’t know how many times he was whipped and locked up because he forgot his lines, he was not emotional enough when he read the lines, he had feelings but the Missy felt that the feelings were wrong, and so on. confinement.However, he was lucky. Although he had a high fever several times due to inflammation of the wound or cold, he recovered miraculously every time.But the time he was closest to death was caused by a few cats.

The whole story is quite simple to say. Ilfarin was assigned a role that required direct contact with cats, and unfortunately he himself was allergic to cat fur. Therefore, Ilfarin approached the eldest lady, hoping that he could Not in this scene, or at least in a role where you don't have to hug the cat directly.

But the eldest lady only said lightly: "Get over it."

"I, I shouldn't be able to overcome it." Ilfarin stammered, "I touched a cat once when I was a child, and at that moment, I started to sneeze, and at night, I had many rashes on my arms..."

"How can you be sure that you were allergic to cat hair? Maybe you ate something you shouldn't eat, or you breathed too much air in your shabby place." The eldest lady interrupted him, "Even if you are really allergic to cats, can't you bear it?"

"But I've heard that there are also cases of people dying due to allergies." Ilfarin said, and he added boldly, "If I die, no one will act for you in the future."

His words did not have the desired effect. On the contrary, the eldest lady stared at him for a few seconds, showing a cold and disdainful smile: "Are you threatening me?"

Ilfarin was tied to a chair by several strong male servants, and the eldest lady stood tall in front of him holding a pure white long-haired cat.

"Listen up." She said succinctly, "You are not as important as you think. I don't care what you are afraid of, what you don't want to act, or what you are allergic to; to be honest, I don't care what you are like. , you just need to act according to the role I arranged for you. If you can't play, I will replace someone else, it's that simple. Now, let's see, you will really die because of a few cat hairs, Still looking for an excuse to be lazy. I hope it's the former, because if it's not, you're dead."

She threw the cat she was holding onto Ilfarin's lap and turned away, leaving Ilfarin alone in the small room with a dozen other cats.

Ilfarin can't remember exactly what happened afterwards, the only thing he can remember is that he was spinning, floating, and almost suffocating in a ball of itchy and hot hair.His soul seemed to have been out of his body for a while, floating in the air independently, looking at the body below that belonged to him, as if looking at something that should not have appeared in the world.

But he narrowly escaped from the high fever again. According to others, he was in a coma for three days and two nights, and lay weakly on the bed for half a month. It didn't exist—it made him fully healed again, not a single root of the disease was left behind.

Not only that, but the near-death experience made Ilfarin suddenly enlightened, and the light of a talented actor seemed to descend on him since then.He was hardly beaten anymore, and even on a few occasions, the feeling of those sticks and whips falling on him was not as deep as before. He felt that he was only suffering in the place of others, and his real soul Safely hiding in the shell of those characters, watching the farce like an outsider.

More than ten years passed by in a flash for Ilfarin. He was a stable boy, a knight, a beggar, and a prince. He changed roles one by one, but he did not leave any memory that truly belonged to him. .

Until the eldest lady finally got married, the husband was from an equally wealthy merchant family, and Ilfarin was taken away as the eldest lady's dowry. It is said that he was the one who liked her the most among all the servants.

Ilfarin numbly followed the young lady to her new home.The young lady and her husband had no affection for each other, the man being a merchant and sailor who was away more than three hundred days of the year.When the man was away, life went on as usual, and when he returned, the couple hardly went a day without arguing.In the most intense quarrel, the two finally moved their hands. The man in a rage slapped his wife hard. The other party was so slapped that he couldn't stand still and fell down the stairs.

This fall was really indistinct. The eldest lady broke several bones and couldn’t get out of bed for half a year. The worst thing was that her hearing in both ears began to decline sharply from then on. After a few years, she was basically the same as a deaf person. .

Many servants don't like the eldest lady, and they only feel happy about this accident.On the contrary, Ilfarin didn't feel that this was retribution from heaven, nor did he gloat over it. As always, he quietly watched everything around him, as if he was watching a story being played out on the stage.

The irony is that after this incident, the eldest lady's character became gentler instead.

After finally accepting the fact that she will be deaf from now on, the hostility from her body in the past seemed to be sucked away in an instant.The proud look that surrounded her disappeared with it.

She is much more talkative than before, she no longer beats and scolds people frequently, and she is not so picky.The other servants dared to insult her with the most vicious words behind her back, even in front of her. She knew in her heart that they were talking bad about her, but she just pretended not to see it.

She could no longer listen to her favorite opera excerpts from the past, and her interest in theatrical performances also greatly diminished. At first she leaned forward, opened her eyes and struggled to distinguish the actors' mouth shapes, but found that no one was listening. After performing seriously, she just read some random words to perfuse her, she just sat lonely for the whole night, and never mentioned the matter of going to the theater again.

In the end, she became a perfect doll, wearing beautiful dresses all day long, sitting quietly on a round bench in the garden, watching the scenery in the garden with ecstasy, always with a peaceful smile on her face, and caring for everyone. Polite, polite and detached, throwing no tantrums at anyone and trusting no one.

Except Ilfarin.

Ilfarin is the only one who treats Missy the same as before. The other servants ridicule him as a dog domesticated by Missy, and he is indifferent, like a puppet that has been wound up, just follow the steps doing what he was supposed to do.Over time, even the eldest lady herself seemed to be convinced that his attitude towards her remained the same because he was loyal to her.

"Now I realize that you are the only one who treats me sincerely." On an autumn afternoon, she pulled Ilfarin's cuff and said inarticulately, her long-term hearing impairment made her accent very strange, "I was wrong before, can you forgive me?"

Ilfarin was stunned for a long time before realizing what the young lady was saying.He stood there awkwardly and dazedly, not knowing where the eldest lady came from to say such a sudden word, nor how he should react to it.

The eldest lady was still looking at him with unprecedented ardent eyes, trying to say something to express her sincerity of repentance, but she hesitated a few times without saying anything, and finally she casually picked up a fruit basket from the table. The orange was stuffed into Ilfarin's hand: "Try it, I just bought it this morning, it's so fresh!"

Ilfarin hesitated, slowly peeled off the orange peel, broke off a piece and stuffed it into his mouth.

"Is it delicious?" the eldest lady asked flatteringly.

Ilfarin shook his head: "Very sour."

He wasn't expressing disgust or trying to embarrass him, he was just stating the facts, but the eldest lady couldn't figure out what he meant, so she stood there awkwardly, her eyes widened like a frightened deer, her lips pursed a few times. Suddenly, he rushed up and hugged him fiercely, almost going through Ilfarin's body to directly touch the soul inside.

"Don't leave me, please," she mumbled in a trembling voice of despair, her long, soft black hair brushing Ilfarin's cheek, "the only person I can trust now is you. "

If Ilfarin had promised anything then, he would have broken his promise soon, so it was a good thing he didn't say anything until the end.

The eldest lady's husband has always been displeased with Ilfarin, thinking that he is a complete freak, and now he is beginning to suspect that this increasingly handsome young man is not clear with his wife, so it didn't take long to find him casually. He drove him away for a reason.

"I heard you sing well," he said casually, without looking at Ilfarin, "you are too weak to be a horse-handler with me, so it is better that I am in the biggest There happens to be an acquaintance in the opera house, you go to him, tell him my name, and say that I introduced you."

Ilfarin listened to the hysterical cries and roars of the eldest lady upstairs, and neither agreed nor refused.

But he never had the right to refuse in his life.

The young lady's husband cheated on Ilfarin, and he had no acquaintances at the opera house at all.But Ocanom, who was already in charge of the Arlando Opera House at that time, appreciated Ilfarin and agreed to work for him. In this way, Ilfarin entered the opera house and became the leader of the entire opera house within a few years. Númenor's most famous theater actor by far.

Many people have come to ask him about his acting skills, but Ilfarin has only one sentence: "Forget yourself, don't act, but become your role." For Ilfarin, it couldn't be easier. His body was empty, and he didn't have many things that belonged to him.

But now the sour taste of oranges on the tip of his tongue reminds Ilfarin that he does have a past, even if only for a brief afternoon, he was once truly needed and depended on as himself, even if that person didn't have a past until he was really cornered. Put him in your eyes.

The dim sunlight in the early autumn afternoon, the sour oranges, the feeling of long hair brushing gently against the skin in the wind, and a stiff but firm hug, these are all the memories that belong to Ilfarin himself, and are the entire foundation of his personality .

Most of the time, Ilfarin can't think of this real self at all, only a few times, such as now, he is led by some inducement to see himself in the empty shell, just like seeing a person in a barren and empty wasteland. A weed, obtrusive and useless, but impossible to eradicate.

Now someone passed through the wasteland and rained on the dry grass, which made him grow a little taller than before. Not only did he not be able to make Ilfarin feel grateful, on the contrary, he even had an unspeakable feeling in his heart. hate.Especially since this man is still Romimos, nothing could be worse.

Ilfarin doesn't know if anyone in the world really loves him, or if it's a charity out of pity, even if he wants to use him to gain benefits, to be honest, Ilfarin doesn't care, anyone can, no excuses matter, as long as It can give his tiny weed-like soul a meaning of existence.

But that person couldn't possibly be Romimos.

"Please don't do this again." Finally, Ilfarin said, suppressing the panic and anger in his heart, he put the jar of orange marmalade back into Romemos' hands with trembling fingers, "I ...I don't need you to do anything for me."

Romemos looked at him in confusion: "Don't you like it?"

"No...it's not a question of whether I like it or not." Ilfarin said, "I mean, please stop paying attention to what I am like in the future, it doesn't make sense."

"I didn't pay special attention to it, but recently we spend more time together than before, so I noticed it naturally." Romemos said, "I'm just curious, why do some people like to eat fruits that are not in season? Vespa also complains every day that the weather is too hot to eat, so I want to buy some sour oranges to taste, and if you are not used to eating, you can make jam, that is, add more sugar. It is not specially made for you .”

Her explanation made Ilfarin's face even worse, and he turned and left without saying a word.

Romemos went back inexplicably. To her surprise, Vespa, who hadn't come to her for several days, was standing at the door of her room, about to knock on the door.

"What's the matter?" Romimos asked aloud.

Vespa turned his head and looked over: "I'm here to get the pillow that left you here before."

Romemos opened the door, entered the room and took Vesper's pillow and handed it back to her: "Is it because there are no mosquitos in your room these days? Or are you still angry with me?"

"...No, why should I be mad at you?" Vespa said.Of course, this was not her sincere words. In order to conceal this, she glanced around and changed the subject abruptly, "Is this the new batch of jam you made recently?"

"Yeah, it was said that this jar was given to Ilfarin, but it turned out that he didn't appreciate it, and he almost got angry with me." Romemos shrugged helplessly.

"Ilfarin?" Vespa asked in surprise, "will he be angry too?"

"It looks like it is, after all, it's not a real wooden man." Romimos smiled, and roughly recounted the conversation between himself and Ilfarin just now, "I think he should hope that others will only pay attention to his acting role, not himself."

Vespa was silent for a while before he said, "Maybe he realized earlier than me how dangerous it is to pin your hopes on you."

"What hope?" Romimos asked confused, "Why do you entrust it to me?"

"...Because we are only mortals." Vespa said softly, "We need a reason to convince ourselves to live."

Obviously, Romimos couldn't understand. She simply understood Vespa's words as mortals need a certain god as their belief: "Aren't those like, Vera, or Melkor all better than me?" choice?"

Vespa didn't even answer this sentence, she just looked at Romemos silently, and after a long time she showed a mocking smile, and left without looking back.