He Is a Master Who Can’t Handle a Slave Properly

55 – Her story (3)

On the way home, he leaned on my shoulder, closed his eyes and coo…

I must have been really tired because I walked a long way with uncomfortable legs.

But he gave me courage. To the extent that it is not enough to thank him over and over again for making the choice to face my family and stay by my side.

…

Maybe it was wrong to expect her.

When I first met her, I was obviously happy, thinking that she would be supporting my father alone and taking good care of my younger brother.

I believed that as time passed, they would accept us as their children and try to embrace us more.

All my expectations have turned to dust.

She became an even more terrible monster while I was gone, coiling around my father like a snake and glaring at me.

Thinking it was an intruder who entered her den.

Seeing her appearance, I thought that maybe there wasn’t much difference…

I who forced him to swallow his hair,

Even though he would eventually fall into my arms, I scared him, threatened him, and forced him to love me.

And finally, after I realized how much he feared me –

And, after seeing her today, I might have finally figured it out.

I was going wrong somewhere

The sense of incongruity I’ve felt since I was little and the creepy eyes of the person who becomes a mother.

But even though she was such a mother, I missed that place because of her own efforts and her father’s love.

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Realizing that I was trying to build a snake den just like her, I couldn’t help but sigh out of frustration.

“Yes…”

He who rubs my cheek while holding my hand tightly even while sleeping is so precious and lovely.

What the hell did I do to him?

Could it be that each of them did only bad things to him?

Wasn’t it natural that he fell in love with me?

But… But… It was all because he was lovely.

Because he wanted more of me, because he wanted to be closer to me,

Since I am a stranger with no blood, I wished there was at least one more connection with me.

…I resent myself for having such thoughts.

If she lied to me, would it be that her blood isn’t thick?

I can’t fake blood after all.

If we continue like this, nothing but ruin awaits us.

He goes out with me a little more, travels more places with me,

I decided to get a prosthetic leg because I wanted to enjoy many things in the world together, and I walked hand in hand with him.

Why do her words keep ringing in my ears?

I fear that the love he gives will really cool down, to the point where I feel so anxious about his love that I have packed so much in my belly.

Or I’ll follow the same path as the woman I was so afraid of,

What should I do?

I thought that only a rosy future was given to me, but I thought that if I walked holding his hand, it would be nothing from now on.

After meeting her, after seeing my dad, and after seeing my boyfriend,

It’s too dark ahead. It looks like someone turned off the lights.

I’m afraid I’ll crush the precious person I’m holding in my arms if I make a mistake, but at the same time I’m afraid I’ll lose it before I know it…

Is it really the only path given to me by what she said?

That happy family when Dad was strong, his legs were fine, he had a strong physique and wielded a nice sword while shooting through forests and dungeons,

…Sure, ‘Mom’ seemed to hate us sometimes, but

Is it a form that cannot be given to me?

Wearing a mask, playing the role of a mother forever,

Should the children just sit back and wait for him to be returned?

no no…

I hate that future. i like him I mean I want him

I want you to only look at me, I want you to love only me. All your nerves and attention go to me…

I never knew that having a child meant such a heavy responsibility.

Is the price of losing to momentary desires and instincts so great?

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Really, are the children born between him and me just keeping me away from him?

I thought anything would matter as long as I had love, but I raised my children when I shined the brightest, and without his attention,

If you’re going to crumble slowly

Why do you need a child…?

Did you want to be shackled without being hated?

Did you want to prove your love to him?

Why did I want to have a child with him?

If it wasn’t really a decision based on instinct, if it wasn’t just a moment of impatience, Ellie.

Why did you want to have a child with him?

***

When I got home, I met eyes with a female cat who was tending the garden.

Not as impatient as before.

‘Cause I know he loves me

Because I know very well that there is no reason to keep an eye on a child like that, and there is no room in my heart for that.

But… that child is really someone else, so even so,

My child is a different story.

My son and I will be very pretty.

Maybe, like my brother, there might be a cute boy with black hair and white hair that resembles him with black hair.

Or like me, a white kid who hops hops…

And maybe there will be a kid with black hair who really looks like him.

But no matter what child I imagine, why do I keep smiling at the children instead of holding them in my arms and smiling at them and leaving me alone –

“I hate it, I hate it, I hate it…”

“Ellie, Ellie?!”

Why can’t the tears stop?

You shouldn’t be anxious, I promised myself I wouldn’t be like her, but I said it would definitely change,

Why are you so heartbroken?

“Ahhhhh… no… no – no…”

I don’t want to be like her.

I don’t want to be a monster growling at my children.

Even if you want to smile without even being sincere while forcing yourself to wear a mask,

But I don’t want to be honest with my kids about my hostility.

But more than that, I feel I’m not ready to have children.

I am afraid of the children to be born in the future. I’m afraid he’ll take him away from me, I’m afraid.

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Really immersed in children, lest I forget,

I’m afraid that the story time between the two of us will soon be filled with worries about the children.

I was afraid that the meal time I used to do for him would change because of the children’s complaints.

I’m afraid that the room only for us, the rooms and bedrooms with our traces and scents will be washed away by the children’s saliva and sweat.

And finally…

I’m so scared that I can imagine him not being able to forgive me for being like that.

One eye of you, who has dark hair, is slightly hidden by that long hair,

There was no love in those eyes that looked at me with their eyes wide open.

The distance between you and me that is so cold and at the same time that we have grown apart.

Your whitened skin,

And… those lips of yours that used to tremble.

When your lips, plump and smooth like plums, which could always overlap, keep pulling away from me,

I don’t want to go back to worrying about the fact that they might never come to me again.

What should I do?

…how does mom help dad –

No, no, no, no, no, no, please, don’t…

“Ellie, Ellie, wake up, Ellie! Why-“

“Your body is like a ball of fire, I’ll bring you a towel.”

“…Please.”

My body is trembling. I feel like my body is heavy.

I wonder if I got some light body aches… Because I moved wildly that day.

But more than that, I’m not in a good mood right now, so did it end up like this?

…If I listen to the story, will it get any better?

“Marcus, Marcus…”

“Ellie, are you okay? How’s your body? Why are you suddenly…”

“Now… hehehe… I’ve been called by my first name…”

“…I’ll call you that no matter what. Are you not feeling well? Is there anything I’ve done to make you sad?”

at all.

“Umm… that’s not it… can you make me one promise?”

It might be a really cruel request.

Surely I might bring this up and bully him.

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Really, I’m selfish.

After all, I can’t get away from her.

“…Tell me, Ellie.”

“Even if you give birth to children, even if those children are more important than anything else in your eyes…”

“…”

“Think of me, please think of me first. Always think of me first. As your spouse, as your woman if not blood related…”

Holding his hand tightly, unable to hold back the flowing hot tears,

hang on to him

I pray not to be hated by him, but I can’t stand it,

I can only see an ugly face in front of him like this again.

I don’t want to tie him down. I don’t want to scare you.

I want you to love me. I want you to hold me

I want him to come to me first.

In the end, all I can do is shed tears. Praying to reach his heart.

“Always put me first. To you, I want to be more important than my family.

Because I already think of you that way. I’m already in love with you, to the point that I think it’s more important than my own life.”

You and I are lovely children, so I want to raise them wonderfully.

But I can’t imagine such a future.

The sight of me holding and breastfeeding my child is so beautiful,

The sight of you holding such a child and smiling at it is so terrifying.

I want those eyes to come to me

At least if you’re looking at a child, I hope you and I are looking at the same place.

At least when we’re together, I hope he doesn’t tear us apart.

Would you like to know that heart?

But, I will never ever bring this out of my mouth.

Because I don’t want you to be afraid of me.

But the more I hide, the more you get away from me?

Can you love the real me?

Will you accept the darkness deep in your heart?