The Nth Disappearance of My Wife

I was born in a small place, my name is Lin Muxing or Lin Xiahua.

I always feel that my birth was not a good thing. Since I was a child, I have known how useless I am, and I also know that I am not a good boy in the traditional sense. I know all this.

I've met many, many people, and they, they don't fit in with me.

I don't have many or can be said to have no friends, because I am withdrawn and I am not good at words, because I am not good-looking enough.

You may be wondering why does a man need to be so good looking?But... when you are stupid, stupid, and not good-looking, then you may be "guilty".

I don't know the reason for being bullied on campus, but I feel that I am not wrong at all, but why people always feel that a slap can't be slapped, you should also reflect on it.

What's the difference between this and those sex? People will say: Why did you suffer all this, it must be because of your indecent clothing and exposure.

Is the short skirt the reason for crime? Is weakness and loneliness the reason for being isolated and bullied?

When I was bullied, I was in primary school. At that time, I was not Lin Muxing but Lin Xiahua.

"Lin Xiahua, you are the ugliest in the class."

"Lin Xiahua, why are you still living in this world?"

"Lin Xiahua, how could you do so well in the exam? You must have copied it."

Primary school students like to say that.

Later, when I graduated from elementary school and went to junior high school, my parents dragged me to a big city, but I was still withdrawn as always.

How can it be so easy to see the sun through the clouds and mist?

Fortunately, I met her. Her name is Tian Xiaoxiao and she is a friend of mine.

When I saw her for the first time, she was a little girl with a round face.

"Do you want to eat chocolate?" As the new tablemate, she kept passing chocolates to me.

"No." I don't know the person in front of me, but she offered to give me chocolate.

The teacher saw it and asked both of us, "What is this chocolate?"

I don't know why I raised my hand faster than that girl, and I said, "Teacher, that's my chocolate."

So I was arranged to stand at the door as a punishment.

When it's time to go to lunch,
"What's your name?" She took the initiative to run over and talk to me.

"My name is Lin Muxing." I replied.

"My name is Tian Xiaoxiao, so brother Mu Xing, shall we go have dinner together?" Tian Xiaoxiao took my hand.

"Why?" I subconsciously retracted my hand.

"It's just you standing for me as punishment, and I'll treat you to snacks today."

"Brother Mu Xing, do you have any chocolate?" Tian Xiaoxiao took my hand again.

"Yes!" I didn't know what was wrong, so I gave the chocolate to Tian Xiaoxiao.

Later I found out that I lived very close to her house.

"Brother Mu Xing! So our house is so close." Tian Xiaoxiao looked very happy.

"Oh." I was calm on the surface and didn't know what was wrong, since I was a little bit happy.

But from the moment I stepped into my home, I was not happy at all.

"How are you studying?" My father's first sentence when he saw me was to ask about studying, but today is the first day of school.

"It's okay." I said perfunctorily and put down my schoolbag.

"Lin Muxing, do you know how difficult it is for your parents to raise you? They dragged you out of the backcountry, but you are still not satisfied, and you are still okay?" The father suddenly became angry without warning.

I nodded and went back to my room.

Holding the slider phone that my cousin didn't want, watching the funniest TV series that year, I couldn't help laughing.

My mother rushed in, "What are you laughing at, is it so funny? Useless things, don't you read the newly issued textbooks when you have time? Have you learned everything? Bring me the phone." Mother snatched it away. through my phone.

The laughter stopped abruptly, I seemed to forget that I shouldn't have a smile.

I can vaguely see the emotions in the eyes of others, and I can see what I am in the eyes of my parents-a burden, a trash.

I have an older brother, not a real brother but a cousin, his academic performance is very good while I can only be considered average.

I have been compared by all kinds of people since I was a child. I am tired of all this, but there is nothing I can do.

I can never be a good son in the eyes of my parents. It is all my fault that my grades are not good and I cannot earn money for them.

Parents would always argue endlessly, they would make life miserable, beat and kick for trivial things, and then put all the blame on me.

"If it wasn't for you, would I be so tired with your father?"

"If you weren't alive, would your parents and I have quarreled?"

Reasonable and just.

I grew up with low self-esteem and couldn't hold my head up because my parents said my existence was a mistake.

"Brother Mu Xing, your parents are so kind to you." Tian Xiaoxiao, who came to my house for dinner, said like this.

"Hmm." I didn't know what to say and was speechless.

Are they really good?This is a strange question.

When I was very young, I realized that my parents had two faces, one in the front and the other in the back. Later, when I went to a new environment, everyone thought I was doing well, but I was not at all.

I still remember that sentence: "You can't slap a slap, why don't you reflect on why you were bullied." This sentence came from my mother.

Since when did school violence become a kind of ruler used to make me reflect?Isn't school violence itself a mistake?
Human beings have always been incapable of understanding human beings.

I used to always think that as long as I persevere, I can survive, and tomorrow is another day, but then I was wrong.

I am very grateful to Tian Xiaoxiao, because she always thinks I can do it.

"Sister Xiaoxiao, I want to be a pastry chef and make cakes for you every day, okay?" I said to Tian Xiaoxiao.

"Brother Mu Xing must be the best! Hehe, I believe that younger brother Mu Xing will definitely be able to do it."

Later the parents found out.

"That's all you can do?" said the father.

"Are you promising? Be a cook," said the mother.

I wanted to be a trainee because an agency informed me to go for an interview.

"What do you think? It's up to you?" said the father.

"Whimsical, but not good-looking, what are you thinking about? You can dream." Mother said.

Can.
Tian Xiaoxiao said, "I think brother Mu Xing is very good-looking and will definitely be a big star when he grows up!"

Why did you decide to always stand by Tian Xiaoxiao's side?Because no one has ever been willing to stand by my side, only Tian Xiaoxiao is willing.

My parents were never on my side.

The relative said: "Your son's academic performance is so poor, what else is he studying?"

But it is clear that the relative's child's academic performance is worse than mine, but the relative still wants him to study.

Dinner with relatives is the day I hate the most, because it is a collective criticism meeting.

From childhood to adulthood, if others say that I am not good, then I am not good. My parents don’t like it when others say that I have poor grades, which makes them lose face, but the ridiculous thing is that the bad grades are passed down from my parents.

No one respected my ideas at all, no one cared about me at all, those who claimed to love me expressed their love for me with hanger sticks and verbal abuse.

But people always ask me: "Lin Muxing, you are so gentle, your family must be very kind to you, right?"

I can only respond with an embarrassed laugh.

I have no happy childhood, no brilliant youth, only endless darkness.

How many times have they cried bitterly in the middle of the night, they just sit back and watch, they feel that their vulnerability is an act of faking.

Life is a long road, but I always feel that it is coming to an end?

When I was 16, my dream was to live to be 20, but I didn’t know what happened to live to be 20, but I felt that I couldn’t live to be 30.

I often wonder if death is a new beginning or an end?

The star I like very much was not in this world when I knew him. His name is Leslie Cheung.

I used to not understand why a person as warm as my brother would choose to leave this world?
People like to miss 1 after death, but they don't cherish it when they are alive.

Later, my father fell ill.

The first thing my mother did was to persuade me to drop out of school, and the first thing I did was to comfort her.

I will always remember my mother saying, "I'd rather you die than your father die."

Since you hate me so much, why did you give birth to me, an unwanted burden?
From childhood to adulthood, I treated the world gently, but what brought me was school violence and endless abuse and beating from my parents.

I always wonder if don't hit my self-confidence will die?Not so annoying would I die?Will you die if you are gentle with me?Respect my heart will die?Do not support any life.

I don't know since when I seem to be able to see through the eyes of others, I can see the disgust of others towards me at first glance, and I can see through Tian Xiaoxiao's eyes and understand her.

But when I looked at my parents expectantly, there was no love at all.

Do you have to keep my eyes dark and look at you coldly?

When I was older, after graduating from university, I chose to join Tian Xiaoxiao, who I hadn’t seen for a long time, and owned my own company with the start-up fund Tian Xiaoxiao gave and my own efforts.

But I still didn't meet my mother's expectations.

I like Tian Xiaoxiao but my mother doesn't like it. My mother wants me to marry a lady from a rich family. It doesn't matter if I like it or not as long as I have money.

Anyway, I am an emotionless machine, and I must do that at the request of my parents, because you are parents.

I chose to cut my wrists to reject the object my mother forced on me, and within a few days, I became the same old and even worse than before.

When I was young, I couldn't talk to the opposite sex too much. It was called preventing puppy love.

You are not allowed to go out to see the romantic place in the mountains. It is called in the name of fear that I will be abducted.

Everything is based on money, and the value of people is based on money. Family affection without warmth is like a transaction.

I always suffer from insomnia, crying silently alone in the night when no one is around, closing my eyes and ears are full of noisy noises, I want to warm others but I really can't warm myself.

When I leave this world, I want to become a gust of wind, carefree and longing for the poetry and distance I want to be free.

Will someone remember me?It doesn't matter if there is or not, I want to be a gust of wind to blow away the tears from the eyes of the people I care about, my departure should be as silent as my arrival.

"Lin Muxing, you"

When you know that I have left, will you be surprised and confused, or will you forget me a little bit?
After I leave this world, time will erase the traces of my existence, so let me be a gust of wind to send you a spring breeze.

Choose to forget me, how can I bear to watch you cry and sad, the person I care about.

Regarding whether my ordinary life will usher in a perfect ending, I clearly know that there is no empathy in this world, so I choose to quietly leave this world I once loved alone, not knowing what the future will become after many years what kind?
If you don't see me someday, close your eyes and listen to the sound of the wind, I will always be there.