Will of chaos

After scaring this Church of Light army until they nearly pissed our pants, we set off continuing our journey.

After things calmed down I went back to fishing alone, no one joined me for a while because they saw what I was thinking.

After an hour Ivan appeared and sat in a chair he brought himself, besides he had a fishing rod in his hand, we exchanged a quick glance and spent a few minutes fishing in silence until he broke that silence.

"Are you wondering if it was a good idea to let them go?"  (Ivan)

"No."  (I)

"I'm just surprised that after everything I've lived through so far, I've still made the decision to let an enemy live."  (I)

"No one would blame you for killing everyone, which we'd be able to easily do."  (Ivan)

"I know, initially I was going to kill them all, I was already planning how to kill them or run away when I realized their strength."  (I)

"Suddenly all my plans felt wrong somehow, I felt like they didn't pose a threat, I felt like I wouldn't gain anything by killing them other than EXP and blood."  (I)

"Few people would make their decision in that situation, most would take advantage of the enemy's weakness and kill everyone for the sole reason that they are enemies."  (Ivan)

"Vanessa said she would have made the same decision..." (I)

"That's because she's always thinking about the Goddess Selene's teachings, but that wasn't her case, right?"  (Ivan)

"Yea."  (I)

We went back to fishing in silence for a little longer before I broke the silence this time.

"Do you think I made the wrong decision?"  (I)

"Your decision was right, there was no real reason to kill them, wrong was everyone else who would make the wrong decision in their place, including me."  (Ivan)

"I still don't know why I let them go, what I said to Vanessa before was just an argument that came to my mind later."  (I)

"Feelings don't need arguments, your heart told you what was right and wrong."  (Ivan)

"You were true to your heart, you were true to your own principles, that's something people let go of without realizing it until it's too late."  (Ivan)

"You're always referring to yourself as not being a good person, we've all heard you say that at some point."  (Ivan)

"Because that's the way I see myself."  (I)

"But that's not the way any of us see you, master."  (Ivan)

"Almost everyone in the Dungeon or on this ship was saved by you, a bad person wouldn't have done the things you did."  (Ivan)

I closed my eyes and images of the past come to mind, images that I bury and try not to think about like the first time I killed when I arrived in this world, the slaughter I did in the Goblin Cave, killing even the children, Kira's subordinates from when she was still just a criminal, the kids serving as an experiment for that drug alchemist I told Layla to kill when she brought me that Alchemist's body, the pirates I decided to torture along with Erica and how willing I was to start a massacre at the village gates of the Elves in the Illusory Forest.

"I killed people..." (I)

"People who deserved it."  (Ivan)

"I killed children..." (I)

"I know. We all know the things you've done, master."  (Ivan)

"We also know from circumstances, sometimes death can be the best mercy you can give someone."  (Ivan)

"I tortured people..." (I)

"Me too, but always deserving people, sometimes cruel acts must be used against some who don't deserve to be treated as people."  (Ivan)

"In the village of the Elves, I was ready to start a carnage because of a misunderstanding..." (I)

"No, you were ready to start a carnage to protect your family, I would do the same thing, in fact, I've done something similar before."  (Ivan)

"Making excuses to do cruel things doesn't make what I did better."  (I)

"But it makes sense, I don't know what your ancient world was like, but for anyone who doesn't choose to live their entire lives protected behind the walls of a city, they have to make tough decisions at times like were to point a sword and for what reason. "  (Ivan)

"But the worst thing is that I don't feel remorse for what I did, killing people felt so natural..." (I)

"That kind of decision should be hard..." (I)

"You were born a monster, killing has always been a natural instinct, choosing who you are because killing is what made you a person long before you took humanoid form."  (Ivan)

"I had already stopped thinking and reflecting on myself, but letting the army of the Church of Light who are enemies who want to kill me go away like this..." (I)

Sigh

"It just reminded me of times when I didn't have that mercy in my heart."  (I)

While I was thinking Ivan placed a cold, lifeless hand on my shoulder.

"You've always had that mercy, this was just the first time you had to show it to an enemy, you knew they weren't evil beings like that Archbishop, they're just soldiers protecting what they believe is right without realizing how foolish they are."  (Ivan)

"They weren't a threat, killing them wasn't going to bring anything like you said."  (Ivan)

"So why don't I feel good?"  (I)

"Why are you starting to doubt what's right and wrong."  (Ivan)

"But it shouldn't, just keep moving forward, let your heart and instincts tell you the direction to take as you always have since that's what brought you here."  (Ivan)

"Trust yourself a little more, we all already fully trust you, master."  (Ivan)

I grabbed a random bottle of liquor from my storage item and emptied it in seconds.

I spend the rest of the day thinking about what Ivan said as we fished, at least until he opened his big mouth to raise another flag.

"Everything is so calm, we are lucky that no monsters have appeared..." (Ivan)

"Be quiet before something..." ()

"We're under attack!!!"  (Marcos)

"Group of monsters ahead!!!"  (Marcos)