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Wang Ge:

A letter is like a meeting.

When you see this letter, I should have settled down in a strange city.

Perhaps you have already discovered that I did not take the college entrance examination.

Don't worry about me, and don't look for me. I am fine, never been so fine.

You have also finished the math test, and now should be the time for us to meet in the library every night.

Although I think there is a high probability that I will come back to find you, no one can predict what will happen in the future.

In this case, let this letter be regarded as our last meeting.

I told you a long time ago that I did not agree to your confession because I have something more important to pursue.

You should have guessed that this more important thing is freedom.

This is not a choice I made on impulse, but something I planned a long time ago.

For a long time, I have been working hard for this goal, and freedom has almost become my obsession.

I must go.

With your intelligence, you should have thought that there would be such a day, right?

Well, I have just written these few words, and the memories of you and me have begun to emerge in my mind, colliding back and forth, lingering.

I am already reluctant to leave.

After careful recollection, I found that most of our interactions were you talking and I was listening.

I like to listen to you talk, listen to you share some very trivial things with me, it is very warm and interesting.

I have no friends since I was a child, and no one will listen to what I say at home, so I gradually lost the desire to express myself.

If we are really together, I should be a very boring girlfriend, right?

—— I originally wanted to write more about my feelings for you to prove that I really like you, but after thinking about it carefully, since we have already parted, no matter how much I say, it is just a mirage, which only adds to the regret.

I have told you what I can say before. After thinking about it carefully, the only thing I can say to you in the letter is probably the two words "sorry".

Sorry, Wang Ge.

I have always been listening to you before, and since this is the last time we meet, it is your turn to listen to my nagging.

You should know roughly what's going on in my family, so I won't mention it any more.

I'll just express my inner feelings to you - or you can treat this as a confession or complaint.

I'm in pain, Wang Ge.

It's not just the shackles that my family has brought me, but also the strong conflict between moral ethics and my personal will.

I hate this family, my incompetent and irritable mother, and my silent and cowardly father.

But the education I've received since I was a child tells me that this kind of thinking is wrong. No matter what, they are my parents who gave birth to me and raised me, and I should be grateful to them.

So, I feel disgusted with my family, and at the same time I feel guilty about this disgust.

The family full of constraints is torturing me, and the guilty heart is eroding me.

In the intense pain, I made the current decision.

That is: escape from the current life.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not avoiding the problem. On the contrary, I escape to better solve the problem.

My idea is very simple. Since the moral concept I accept conflicts with my personal will, it means that it is wrong - at least it doesn't apply to me.

This may be a bit too arrogant, but you know, Wang Ge, my thoughts are always different from most people, and they are always a bit strange.

In my opinion, concepts may deceive me, but my feelings will not.

The suffocation, depression, and pain I feel are so real and deep in my bones, they will not deceive me.

There have been many ways to enslave others in human history.

Shackles are used to enslave behavior; literary inquisitions are used to enslave words; eight-part essays are used to enslave thoughts.

But, Wang Ge, from ancient times to the present, in five thousand years of civilization, there has never been any kind of slavery that can enslave our feelings.

The freedom of feeling is the most basic, most self-centered, and most inalienable freedom for everyone.

Before I became numb, my feelings would never deceive me, pain is pain, and it will never turn into happiness.

So, I am sure that there is a certain error in my concept.

But I still feel guilty and still in pain.

Because this concept has long been deeply rooted in my heart and mind and has become a part of me.

Even my three views are built on this concept. If I am asked to deny this concept now, wouldn’t that mean I am being denied?

After experiencing the initial pain and despair, I gradually realized that my thoughts were being bound and enslaved by the concepts I had built up since I was a child.

Even if I am out of my parents’ control, the concepts formed over the years will not be changed. This bondage will still exist, high above, and above my thoughts.

Just like prisoners who are tattooed, even if they are released from prison after serving their sentences, the shame marks engraved on their faces will not disappear and will accompany them throughout their lives.

After reaching this conclusion, I was even more painful, and even had the idea of ​​committing suicide.

I cannot accept such a future, and I cannot tolerate myself being unfree.

But everything has two sides.

While in pain, it also made me think more deeply about freedom, this grand proposition.

What exactly is freedom?

How can we achieve freedom in the real world with so many shackles that cannot be escaped?

What kind of freedom do I want?

…

Through constant reading and long-term thinking, I got some answers.

But the road ahead is still uncertain and foggy.

But it doesn't matter, I can slowly explore and try.

Only after trying, will I know whether it works or not.

I am still young, and I have the opportunity to make mistakes.

Everyone is born free, but they are always in shackles.

The material world has all kinds of shackles that cannot be escaped, so I must at least achieve freedom in the spiritual world.

So, I want to try and reshape myself.

Each of us comes to this world naked, like a blank sheet of paper, but as time goes by, words begin to appear on the blank sheet of paper, which is the mark and influence of the outside world on us.

Concepts are formed, and shackles emerge.

The root of my unbearable pain comes from this.

That is: this blank sheet of paper belongs to me, but it is not me who writes and draws on this blank sheet of paper.

This is not freedom.

So, I want to reshape myself.

Reshape my thoughts, my ideas, my three views, and all the things that do not belong to me and do not come from me.

Only in this way can I pursue the illusory and unattainable freedom.

This is also the reason why I will leave without saying goodbye - to do this, I must be separated from everything in my past and completely step into a new life.

I don’t know if the path I have chosen is right, but I will never know if I don’t try to go on.

Since the marks engraved on my face by tattooing cannot be washed away, I will peel off my entire face.

Only by throwing away all the shackles and marks brought by my past life can my life become a blank sheet of paper again.

Only then, Wang Ge, I can use my memories to pick up the pen and write your name on the blank paper carefully.

Please believe it.

I will be free in the end, and we will meet again in the end.

The above.

Chen Yanxi.

Afternoon of June 6th.

Xixi's story ends here, but her letters will appear from time to time in the following plots.

Let us look forward to how we will meet her again next time.