[Net King] Take away my heart

The deepest desire always arouses the strongest hatred. ——Socrates

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I don't understand the meaning of the word like.I have never tried to understand the meaning of these two words.

When I was in the first grade, my classmate, Kitami, started to have a good impression of me just because I accidentally helped carry the photocopying materials.

I can always feel her cautious gaze from time to time during class, and I can always see her looking forward to holding a towel and water after the homework is over.Every Valentine's Day, I can receive chocolates made by her. "It's okay if you don't have to return the gift." As he said this, he handed the gift bag tied with a ribbon to my Kitami with a flushed face.

I don't have any special thoughts about this kind of Kitami.

Ordinary grades, ordinary looks, ordinary personality, everything is very ordinary Kitami is an ordinary girl who is neither annoying nor more interesting.

I know that the girls in the school have some expectations for the tennis club, but it's not out of personal interest in me, it's just because I also wear the same aura as Yukimura Marui and the others.

"No, it's not like that! I like Yagyu-kun, it's you, it has nothing to do with the tennis club...!"

That's what she said to me the first time she rejected Kitami's birthday present.

It's just what you say with your mouth, anyone can do it.I thought that Kitami would not be the kind of persevering person, but I didn't expect that she would not give up just yet.

The biscuits baked in the home economics class were brought to me in a hurry while they were still fresh and warm.It wasn't long before autumn came, and before the chill was clearly felt, the hand-knitted scarves and gloves had already been delivered.Carefully selected postcards, sincere and sincere words, and ubiquitous care and expectations.

Kitami has always worked hard, even though her way of pleasing me seems old-fashioned and old-fashioned, she has always persisted.

What Bei Jian doesn't understand is that it is impossible for me to have anything other than a classmate affection for her because of this, not only for her, but also for other girls.Because I have never included love in any part of my life plan.

If possible, I very much hope that Kitami can retreat in the face of difficulties.So I rejected her again and again. At first I was worried about her mood and tried not to speak too harshly, but after repeated rejections, Kitami remained the same. She even said to me: "I will never give up. For Liu Sheng-kun, I will definitely work hard to make Liu Sheng-kun fall in love with me."

Hopeless people.She not only made me feel anxious, but also made me feel extremely helpless.

At what point would she be willing to give up?I obviously just didn't want Bei Jian to be unable to come to Taiwan, but I inadvertently gave her the illusion that "Liu Sheng didn't say no, I still have a chance".

In this way, two years have passed, and Kitami still often appears around me, greeting me with care and attention.

"I said, why refuse? Wouldn't it be nice to have a relationship?"

On the rooftop, Nioh irresponsibly threw this sentence at me.

I know Kitami is a good girl.

People's hearts are made of flesh, no matter how indifferent I am, I can't fail to feel her waiting for me for two years.It's because I'm sorry for Kitami, because I didn't respond well to her feelings, and because I don't deserve her care.

But I can't... I just, can't do it anyway.

"Now is not the time to worry about that kind of thing... how can you have time to fall in love if you can't even be busy with business."

An excuse, even I know it's an excuse.

My father left me and my mother since I was a child, spending time and drinking outside and having a good time.There is no respectable female image in my life. My mother's madness and the shadow of my father's lovers have influenced me from a very early age, making me unconsciously feel that I cannot completely trust women.

Does Kitami really like me that much?How long can she like me?How would she react if she knew the truth about my family?

They are obviously irrelevant people, but as long as I see those girls who show kindness to me and give me gifts, I can't help but think of my father's lovers.

If Kitami knew what kind of eyes I was looking at her and other girls, she would be very disappointed.

"...That's all I want to say. I don't like Kitami, and I hope you don't think you know me, so you come here and say that you will never give up on me. What is the real me like? , I’m afraid you haven’t even seen one percent.”

I thought that talking to this point was enough to dispel Kitami's enthusiasm.

I seldom smile at Bei Jian, most of the time I am busy rejecting her kindness.I have always been too much towards Kitami, even at this moment I put on the coldest face I can imagine.

Sure enough, Kitami cried.Is that all right?In this way, Kitami should no longer have illusions about me, because I have completely left her no room.

——"I know Yagyu-kun is a good person!"

But Kitami cried and yelled at me like that.

I was surprised, and was stunned by the words that Kitami blurted out.But then, my astonishment turned into an unnamed outrage, and I suddenly felt angry.

"What do you know? You obviously don't know anything."

My tone was so cold that even I couldn't believe it.Why am I so angry?Just because Kitami kindly believed that I was a good person?

"I can do anything for Yagyu-kun." Kitami broke down in tears, "Even if Yagyu-kun doesn't like me, I will..."

Kitami is very pitiful, Kitami is a good girl, Kitami is kind and simple-but just like her, it makes me feel more unbearable.

"Don't you have any self-respect to say something like this without knowing anything about men? You never thought of marrying a man who doesn't love you, raising children for him, but he's just spending time and drinking outside and ignoring you life and death, and even tried every means to divorce you and kick you away, are you so naive that it doesn't matter!!"

Kitami was stunned, and what came out of her eyes was pure and innocent.

"I don't understand...do you really hate me so much..."

Her voice became very small, very small, and finally disappeared into the air.I hurt her, I crushed Kitami's heart, that's what I want, isn't it?

But seeing her red eyes from crying, I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the heavy atmosphere around me.

There is also a part of my body that is slowly tearing apart.

"It's not your problem, whether it's you or others, I just don't plan to associate with anyone. I'm really sorry, can you please stop pestering me?"

After speaking, I pretended to be calm and left there.

People like me may never be able to get married for the rest of their lives.

You can't believe in love, you can't believe in marriage, even if you want to believe, you will be exhausted by reality first.

Sometimes I am very envious of Nioh's carelessness and freedom. He doesn't care about anything and doesn't believe in anything. If I recognize the meaningless nature of everything from the beginning, maybe I can be an ordinary middle school student more easily .

Some people have asked me why I switched costumes with Nioh, and some people asked me if I was forced to change costumes with Nioh due to tactical considerations, but in fact, it was all voluntary.

I can take a breath on the court, I can take a breath after becoming Nioh, I need this short but precious respite—I need a chance to escape from myself, to gain another identity, to be free.

Maybe in my subconscious, I always wanted to be Nioh.

In the spring of the year when he was just in the third grade, there was news that Reika Miyake had passed away in the United States, and that Yukimura had relapsed and was admitted to the hospital again.

Akiyama and the entire tennis club fell into unprecedented grief. The originally clear sky seemed to have become gray and cloudless from the moment the news was received.

What can I do for Akiyama?Can I continue to protect her?How can I protect her?

Akiyama did not stop writing reports for others, and she even hoped to receive more business.

Akiyama needed money, but she never told me why she needed so much money.Maybe it was Miyake's death that made her lose her way forward, maybe it was Yukimura's relapse that caused her family to suffer another heavy financial blow...

But no matter what, I am still needed by Akiyama.As long as I need this, I am satisfied.

I don't need love, I don't need lovers, I don't need unrealistic fantasies and unrealistic visions.

I never expected to become lovers with Akiyama, because I didn't have that qualification in the first place.

But when I saw Akiyama in the corridor, broken by the death of Miyake, I suddenly felt that she was broken and real, and her brokenness was exactly the same as that of Erina and me.

No one can understand the loneliness hidden deep in the darkness. Behind those false covers, brokenness is the truth of everything.

Before I understood the true meaning of the word liking, I was surprised to find that the desire to protect her had surpassed all my desires so far.

Want to protect her, want to save her, want her not to be stained by any darkness.Even if I don't have that power, even if I'm not qualified, even if I'm a filth stuck in the mud myself, as long as I can stand beside her, near, not so close, not so far away—

Looking at her with these eyes, guarding her happiness with these hands, reflecting the meaning of my own existence with her unpolluted clean soul——I have nothing else to ask for.

The author has something to say: Note 1: Socrates, English translation Socrates (469-399 BC), a famous ancient Greek thinker, philosopher, and educator.