Pilot

At dawn, the ancient city is deserted, and only a few cleaning ladies can be seen on the street.

It's time for this light and dark transition again.

The city will slowly wake up after dawn, and gradually fall asleep after dusk, and most people work and rest according to the weather.Shi Ye kind of hates this kind of moment that represents the beginning and the end, the beginning makes people uneasy, and the end makes people sad.

The transition while waiting is even more annoying.What a brand new day, what watching the world go dark together, what a bore.

Too quiet.

There was nowhere to escape the loneliness that came at that moment.It's not a good experience to walk on the street that is gradually getting light after being drunk, which reminds Shi Ye of his poor years.Not just the kind of poverty without money, but the kind of poverty that has nowhere to go, is alone, and has no one to rely on.Lack of material, lack of spirit, lack of everything, nothing, living like death.It is common for a person to press the bridge and the road by himself, from dusk to dawn, and from dawn to dusk.

Shi Ye walked away in a daze.Near the gate of the city, he saw a very down-and-out man squatting on the ground eating an apple.The man was unshaven, with shoulder-length hair, and looked dirty. There was a piano box at his feet, which seemed to be used to store money.

He suddenly felt a little tired, so he simply sat down next to the man, unloaded the piano and threw it at his feet.

The man saw Shi Ye was still wearing a mask, eating an apple and said vaguely: "Pretentious."

Shi Ye didn't speak.He handed over the bag of carved plums that Shengxia's mother gave him, and said, "Are there any apples? I'll exchange them with you."

Probably because they have similar temperaments, they both play guitar anyway.Even with strangers, Shi Ye felt much more at ease when talking.

The man sneered, took another apple out of his pocket and handed it to Shi Ye: "I'll see you off. Brother, what do you want to do if you want to come here to sing? You change places, and your accent sounds like a foreigner. I'll give you some pointers." Road, you go to the section of Foreigner Street."

Shi Ye took the apple, but didn't eat it, "Thanks, but I don't sing."

"If you don't sing, why are you reciting the violin early in the morning?" The man smiled, "You think you're so handsome when you recite the violin?"

"Yes, very stupid." Shi Ye thought it was funny, so he laughed along with him, "Singing is fun, isn't it?"

"Playing? Selling and singing is not so easy, it's a career! Maybe there are many singers who have won [-] to [-] yuan than we sell and sing." The man is quite talkative, "We want to grab the territory, compete with our peers, and Have a good eye, choose a good place, and be able to fight with the city management, and have a good psychological quality, thick-skinned!"

Shi Ye listened to this person's pressure for a while, and then asked, "How long have you been singing?"

"Five years." The man smiled, "I'm [-] this year, I was in Chongqing a few years ago, I went to Nanjing, and I came to Yunnan last year. The business in Lijiang didn't work well in Dali, so I stayed here. Where are you from? "

"I'm from Beijing." Shi Ye rejected the cigarette offered by the man, "I didn't think about being more stable, starting a family or something? Just keep floating like this?"

The man seemed to have heard something extremely ridiculous: "What did you say?"

Shi Ye was taken aback by the man's expression: "I said, you never thought about settling down? Buy a house, marry a wife, have a family or something?"

After speaking, he realized that he seemed really vulgar.Although there is nothing wrong with this kind of vulgarity, it is a matter of course.

The man was biting his cigarette, and looked at Shi Ye in the smog, "It's said that he is a wandering singer. If he has a home, he is a fart wandering singer."

Shi Ye was stunned for a moment before answering in a trance: "But people must have a home."

"No, it's not a big deal. Anyway, I'm used to being free. Home is where I am, and the guitar is my wife." The man smiled and smoked, "Little brother, have you seen Shen Congwen? Mr. Shen said: All the beautiful things in this world have no home. Meteors, fireflies, and falling flowers have no home. Have you ever seen someone raise a phoenix? A shooting star has its own place, and we wandering singers also have our own place to go."

After Shi Ye listened in a daze, he forced a smile and said, "You're quite educated."

"That's not."

The man twisted his cigarette. "I was a poet when I was young."

After the man finished talking to Shi Ye, he rolled up the blanket beside him and went back to sleep in the cage.

It's almost dawn.

Shi Ye took off the mask, wiped the apple casually, and started to chew.

During the gnawing gap, he took out his mobile phone and looked at the news.The mobile phone got water a few days ago, and it seems that the response has slowed down after repairing it.As soon as he clicked on it, a lot of messages popped up. Niu Xiaojun sent him more than 50 WeChat messages, including intoxicated ones, high-minded ones, familiar ones, and unfamiliar ones.

None of it was what he wanted to see.

Shi Ye thought for a while, exited the page, clicked on the browser, and typed the word homosexuality in the blank column with some hesitation.

After seeing those words, he shook his hands and deleted them.

Then he clicked on the address book and found a number that had no name saved but could be memorized long ago.Probably because he was afraid of hesitation, Shi Ye dialed directly.

There are 8 bells in total.Every second of waiting, Shi Ye felt his heart beating faster, but when he heard his father's voice coming from the other end of the phone, Shi Ye immediately hung up the phone.

He threw the unfinished apple to his feet, buried his head and hugged himself.

Some things are not only unspeakable to others, but even privately said to yourself will only make people feel ashamed.He lost the canned fruit of his childhood, the starry universe he dreamed of, and the hero he trusted in his life.

say what?

Say I miss you, say I hate you?Say I can't sleep, I take medicine every day, I drink alcohol every day, I'm having a bad day?Say I'm hesitant about the future, I seem to like a boy, maybe I'm gay?Said that I seem to have grown up, but I always feel at a loss about my life?

Or ask the gossip?Are you gay?I ask you, is it because of a man that you don't want your mother or me?Or ask you, is homosexuality really hereditary?After all, I thought I would never fall in love with a man in my life, I thought I would be disgusted and want to vomit, but I still hugged a boy.

Is it because of you? ?Because you are gay?

Or ask if you have ever loved my mother, loved me?I asked if your gentleness in those years was all fake, pretending?Ask if you are a bastard who cheated on marriage?Let me ask you, why haven't you contacted me for so many years?Is it because of a guilty conscience or that this son is dispensable?Since it is dispensable, why did you send me an invitation to marry another man?

Will not work?Or you come and teach me what to do?Come tell me what's right and what's wrong.Tell me, what should I live, who should I love, how should I be a proper grown-up?

You are so high in my eyes, and you are so high in people's eyes, why do people say you are a jerk?

dad.

Father.

At that moment, Shi Ye couldn't face the surging emotions, but he knew he needed an outlet—he panted heavily, and almost subconsciously opened the piano bag and took out the guitar.Yes, Ye felt that he was safe when he got the guitar.

Nothing is true, is eternal, is constant, is not going away.Accompanying him is only the guitar, only those chords, only the notes and the stage, only the lonely score, and the pilot who no one understands.

He starts playing chords.It was the notes that were dialed out instinctively, and Shi Ye realized that he was playing the song "Universe" after it was played.That song was written at the most bewildered age of his life. He was left behind in Beijing by his parents. He had nothing, no money, no tomorrow, no ideals, no future, no love, nothing.

Emotions are brought to the fingertips.He felt that the more he played, the stronger he became, as if he had melted all the joys and sorrows of these years into his hands, and then he began to sing.He needs an outlet.

Shi Ye's voice is similar to his playing the guitar, neat and crisp, with a cool sharpness.He hasn't sung for a long time, his voice is very hoarse, and it sounds like there are some ice slags in his throat.

'Who pierced the sky and swung the stars down—'

The sleeping man was awakened, but did not look up.The man listened for a while, then smiled and spat: "Why do you have a broken voice and imitate others to sing the pilot? It's too ugly, the strings are not right, the piano should be changed!"

Shi Ye ignored him, he sang and began to cry silently.

Why can't he cry? He just wants to cry now.No matter how indifferent or strong Shi Ye is in the eyes of others, whether it is 3-year-old Shi Ye or 13-year-old Shi Ye, 23-year-old Shi Ye or 43-year-old Shi Ye, whether he is a man or a woman, Ugly is beautiful, and he just fucking wants to cry right now.

Can't control it.People are so strange, he didn't cry when his parents left, he didn't cry when he couldn't afford to eat, he didn't cry when he was scolded bloody, but on the street of an ancient city where the sky was getting brighter, He couldn't hold back his tears.

It's not like being sad, but my eyes are sore and painful, as if I want to bring out something suffocated in my body.

"——Yezi, you heard from your father that the carbon element that makes up the body was produced three seconds after the Big Bang, and the iron element needs to be cooled for a period of time before it can be synthesized. The gold element in the ring your mother wears is a supernova eight times the mass of the sun Explosions can only be formed. Life is not eternal, but the universe and matter are endless, and so is Dad's love for you. Go to sleep, you can dream of the universe tonight, son."

……

'The vast you, the nothing I--'

……

"Shi Ye, do you want canned fruit? Mom brought it for you!"

"Yezi, Dad is going abroad, I might..."

……

"Shi Ye, I hope you can understand one thing...my relationship with your father is over, but we have always been relatives, and mother will always love you."

"The world in front of me burned, and the universe triggered a fire—"

Without love, it's all fake.How can there be any deep love, they are all burned to death...all go away.What about tomorrow, what about becoming famous, what about fan schedules, work, and family members...all go, all die...all fake, you can't keep them, all go away.

Complete!All!he!mom!roll!

roll.

'Devours you and drowns me--'

Shi Ye didn't finish singing that song, his voice was completely hoarse.There was a tearing sensation in the throat, as if a knife had been cut from it, cut open along the throat, poured oil on it, ignited it, and burned it completely.Swallowing, it seems that there is still a bit of blood.

Shi Ye was stunned for a long time before he looked down in a daze, and found that the aging strings of the guitar had been broken by him.He was dripping with sweat, his eyes were red, and he was so tired that he seemed to have walked through a whole century.

There was also blood on his fingers, he was too hard, but he didn't feel any pain when he just played.Drop by drop of the red color hit the surface of the piano, as if mocking him - Shi Ye, you are so pitiful.

The man who fell asleep next to him made a final comment: "I said, don't sing in the future, it's really ugly."

Shi Ye lowered his head and covered his face wearily.