golden moonlight

"Did you have sex?"

"……Um."

"Would you like to describe how you felt at that time?"

The doctor's question made Shi Xiaozha somewhat at a loss.He took a breath and fell silent. His expression didn't seem to be positive emotions such as joy, joy, or happiness, but rather... Unsure.

He finally said, "He's... very gentle and nice."

The doctor's pen quickly recorded in the notebook, and she hid the slight frowning expression.

"What about your own feelings? Remember?"

This time Shi Xiaozha was silent for a longer time.He lowered his eyes, bit his lips and frowned for a long time before whispering, "It's pretty good."

The doctor put down his pen, looked at him for a while and said softly to him: "It doesn't matter. You know, everything you said in this room will disappear the moment you go out. You didn't say anything .”

Shi Xiaozha frowned, looked at the doctor and blinked, then lowered her head and exhaled.

"Comfortable, but... scary."

"Is it because you are comfortable that you are afraid?"

Upon hearing this, Shi Xiaozhao raised her head and looked at the doctor: "Is it supposed to be so comfortable? I've never been like this before, it seems, it seems..."

He thought for a long time but couldn't think of a suitable description. The doctor looked at his expression and tentatively helped him continue: "It seems that your body is not your own anymore?"

Shi Xiaozhao nodded.

The doctor sat upright, put his hands and fingers on the table interlaced, looked at Shi Xiaozha and asked, "Are you afraid of your own body, or are you afraid of Sui Tan who brings you this feeling?"

Shi Xiaozha trembled as if being burned by this question, and looked up at the doctor. The doctor's eyes were gentle and wise, as if he had seen everything about Shi Xiaozha.

Shi Xiaozha almost stopped breathing for a while.

"The current Sui Tan is no longer the same person as the Sui Tan that existed in your world. This may be one of the reasons why you haven't recognized him for so long?" the doctor said softly. , "The current Sui Tan, do you dare not recognize it?"

Shi Xiaozha lowered her head, her flickering eyes filled with heart-wrenching complex expressions.His breathing was short for a while, and then he calmed down as if giving up, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded a little sad.

"I always feel like I'm dreaming. I was dreaming and I'm dreaming now."

The doctor nodded and picked up his pen to record again.She understood Shi Xiaozha's meaning, the pain of those ten years was covered up by his consciousness with "dreams", if it was a dream, the pain felt by his personality would be more or less relieved.But now Shi Xiaozhao's so-called "dream" has gone to another extreme. The too beautiful reality made him have unprecedented doubts, so his consciousness also blinded the current reality in the name of "dream".

All of these are true or false, under the long-term pain, the survival instinct of the master Xiaozha is working silently. He doesn't want to suffer any more, and he doesn't want to go back to hell after getting happiness. Believe in hell, there is nothing in this world that he believes in.

"He... is really nice," Shi Xiaozhao said in a dreamlike tone, "When I was in the village, if any man treated his wife half as well as he treated me, then his wife must be a villager. A woman everyone envies."

"Be nice to your wife, have money, and status. In the village, a man like this will be snatched away by women, let alone in Shanghai..."

Once he opened his mouth, Shi Xiaozha's inner defense seemed to burst, and the grayness in his heart that was hidden by him began to pour out of his mouth and from the bottom of his heart uncontrollably.

"Actually, I knew in my heart that what the villagers said was right... At that time, he didn't really like me, but we were all too lonely. Now that he has been back to Shanghai for so long, he has everything, so what? Will he really like me? I'm not a woman, and I can't bear him a child, he just... feels sorry for me."

The doctor sighed inwardly.She has seen many such examples in her previous work, and it is still Shi Xiaozhao's survival instinct protecting herself.This kind of self-protection has been working for too long. It takes a long and patient process to let him really let go of his guard to accept a Suitan who loves him and a new way of life. During the process, Suitan and Shi Xiaozha A joint effort with all three of her.

Before the end of this consultation, she finally asked Shi Xiaozhao a question: "Do you blame him?"

"Blame?" For a while, Shi Xiaozha showed a somewhat bewildered expression.He tilted his head and thought for a while, then smiled again, but this smile seemed a little weak.

"The days are so happy now, I just want to make this kind of life longer and longer...I want him...to be nicer to me, even if it just looks like he loves me, I am very content."

The doctor nodded in understanding, and then the door of the consulting room opened, Sui Tan was already standing outside the door, and when he saw Shi Xiaozha, he showed a gentle smile.

***

***

***

This is not the first time that Sui Tan noticed that Shi Xiaozha was in a daze.

Ever since being reminded by a psychiatrist to pay more attention to Shi Xiaozha's emotional changes, Sui Tan has found Shi Xiaozha in a daze from time to time, or sitting alone in silence, as if thinking about something.He worriedly told the doctor about the situation, but the doctor acted as if he expected it, telling Sui Tan not to be nervous, just treat Shi Xiaozhao as gently as before.

However, the "gentle treatment" understood by Sui Tan does not seem to have exactly the same meaning as the doctor's "gentle treatment".Sui Tan was really busy at work during this time, and sometimes when he came home very late, he would feel very guilty when he saw Shi Xiaozha curled up on the sofa in a daze.

Is Xiaozha lonely?Sui Tan also wanted to keep Shi Xiaozha in his pocket every day and take it with him at any time, he thought about it for a while, and decided to take Shi Xiaozha to relax after he was busy for a while.

They went to Hainan.It has been almost two years since Shi Xiaozha was brought to Shanghai by Sui Tan, longer than the time they spent together when they were teenagers, more and more mellow love is brewing in Sui Tan's heart, even though Shi Xiaozhao Zha still couldn't recognize him, and it didn't affect his affection for Shi Xiaozha at all.

On the plane, when Sui Tan looked at Shi Xiaozha, who was dozing off next to him, he felt strongly in his heart that if he believed that Shi Xiaozha was the person he wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, or if he gave himself Now, he no longer needs to give himself such psychological hints, and every minute and every second with Shi Xiaozha, he feels happiness and satisfaction from the depths of his soul.

Be as content as you are right now.

Shi Xiaozha, who was sleeping, unconsciously moved towards Sui Tan's side. When he felt Sui Tan's shoulder, he slightly rubbed against Sui Tan's shoulder, and then put his hand on Sui Tan's arm very naturally. .

Just like when they were teenagers, every time they took a nap under the hawthorn tree, Shi Xiaozha's clingy and cute look.

Sui Tan's blood boiled all over his body.He was breathing quickly, and he just wanted to lower his head and kiss deeply the red lips of Shi Xiaozha in his sleep.However, he took a few deep breaths, restrained his urge, only stretched out his other hand, and very lightly smoothed back the naughty tuft of hair on Shi Xiaozha's forehead, lest it hurt her See Shi Xiaozha's sleeping face.

They had a fulfilling and enjoyable vacation.It was the first time for Shi Xiaozha to travel, so she seemed novel and cheerful.Sui Tan secretly felt that he made the right decision to take him out to relax, so he became more determined to carry out his plan.

On the last day of the vacation, Sui Tan took Shi Xiaozha to Tianya Haijiao, the end of the legendary world in the past.In fact, from Sui Tan's point of view, there is really nothing interesting here, it's just a big rock, but Shi Xiaozha stared at the rock with indescribable brilliance in his eyes.

"It is said that if people who love each other come to the ends of the earth together, they can stay together forever." He took Shi Xiaozhao's hand and said with a smile: "I didn't believe it before, but after I found you, I want to try to believe."

Shi Xiaozha turned her face to look at Sui Tan, and there was Sui Tan's look in her eyes like green waves.Sui Tan took his hand and kissed it lightly, without any intention of shy away from the tourists around.Shi Xiaozhao was obviously panicked, he looked around anxiously, dragged Sui Tan and whispered, "There are so many people..."

Sui Tan smiled and said, "It doesn't matter, they are all our witnesses."

Shi Xiaozha frowned suspiciously, before he could understand Sui Tan's meaning, Sui Tan took a step back, suddenly knocked on one knee, and knelt down in front of Shi Xiaozha.

"Shi Xiaozha, I love you, please marry me."

A diamond ring shining with rare brilliance was pinched between Sui Tan's fingers and presented to Shi Xiaozha's sight. Sui Tan raised his head and looked deeply into Shi Xiaozha's completely dumbfounded eyes, Holding Shi Xiaozha's hand very slowly, she put the ring made according to Shi Xiaozha's size into Shi Xiaozha's ring finger.

"Promise me, okay? Let me stay with you forever."

When the surrounding tourists saw the scene where the couple proposed to the man, they all stopped to watch.Shi Xiaozha's face turned red at one moment as if bleeding, and at another moment it was so pale that it was unusual for ordinary people. He opened his mouth but couldn't speak a word, as if he was frightened stupid.Sui Tan stood up, gently hugged Shi Xiaozha into his arms, kissed his ear softly and said softly: "Don't be afraid. If you don't promise me, I will wait until you promise me. "

He let go of Shi Xiaozha, still holding Shi Xiaozha's two hands with both hands, and kissed him on the tip of his nose again: "Just don't reject me because we have no children, okay?"

Shi Xiaozha's chest heaved violently, as if he was experiencing a huge emotional fluctuation.Seeing him like this, Sui Tan couldn't help feeling distressed and anxious, wondering if he had done too much and scared Xiaozha?

Then he saw the thousands of waves that had just surged out of those blue-wave eyes were suppressed in an instant, Shi Xiaozha took a deep breath, and spoke in a somewhat hollow voice.

"This time, will you wait for me instead?" He asked, and then showed a sad smile, "But waiting is really hard."

Sui Tan froze, only his eyes widened uncontrollably.

... What is Xiaozha talking about?Sui Tan couldn't believe his ears, but he suddenly remembered that nearly 20 years ago, under the hawthorn tree, in the closed and tender boyhood valley, he asked Shi Xiaozhang to wait for him to come. pick him up.

This is 15 years.

Sui Tan suddenly hugged Shi Xiaozha into his arms, the movement was big, just like the hug he gave Shi Xiaozha before he and Shi Xiaozha parted.

His little hawthorn is back.

"Xiaozha...Xiaozha..." Sui Tan wept with joy. Sui Tan, who had been growing steadily outside and always gentle and steady in front of Shi Xiaozha, cried like a child who had finally found a home.From the moment he took Shi Xiaozha to his side, he has been supporting and leading Shi Xiaozha to go down, but now he is crying and trembling so much that he has to hug Shi Xiaozha to stabilize his body.

"I'm sorry...Xiaozha..." He choked on Shi Xiaozha's shoulder.Shi Xiaozha finally recognized him, and only then did Sui Tan feel that what he was facing was the lover whom he had failed, as well as himself who had failed the lover.

"Can you forgive me? Will you forgive me?" Sui Tan's voice trembled uncomfortably.How much did the past 15 years hurt Shi Xiaozha?He even felt that his behavior of begging Shi Xiaozhao's forgiveness here was so unspeakable. He was afraid that Shi Xiaozha would hate him and blame him, but in the end what he was really afraid of was losing Shi Xiaozha again.

What Sui Tan fears is always losing Shi Xiaozha again.

And Shi Xiaozhao's hand touched the back of Sui Tan's head, the movement was as gentle as when Shi Xiaozhao was tentatively touching Sui Tan for the first time when he was young and ignorant.

"I won't blame you." Shi Xiaozha's clear voice rang in Sui Tan's ears, "No matter what, I will only like you and love you, and I will never blame you or hate you. Same."

"I've never changed, no matter who I am."

***

***

***

After this one passed, Qu Haiyao lay on Rong Yi's shoulder and couldn't get up.He cried so much that his body convulsed, and his state was worse than when he was finished in "The Corridor of the Valley House".

Rong Yi stood still, rubbing Qu Haiyao's head.His heart was also ups and downs, and he knew why Qu Haiyao had such a hard time recovering from it.

"Aunt Hawthorn" was an unprecedented creative experience for the two of them. They played a pair of lovers as lovers, and integrated their feelings into the lives of the characters. In the end, what Rongyi said to Qu Haiyao The lines are no longer the lines in the script, they are what he said to Qu Haiyao.

That was his love and salvation for Qu Haiyao and Sui Tan as Rong Yi, as teacher Xiaozha, and as the person in the two worlds without complaint or regret.

"Aunt Hawthorn" is finished.