light adaptation

Chapter 15

"I often feel that... Dad, even my aunt and grandpa, everyone, is looking forward to my mother, not me." Ning Zhanmei said, seeing Bi Qiannian's suspicious eyes, he explained further and tore the inside open , "It is my mother who is looking forward to being alive now, not me."

All the people who met and got along with Zhao Junlan said that Ning Zhanmei looked like her. They saw Zhao Junlan through Ning Zhanmei, and then remembered her, with regret, sadness, and apology on their faces.Ning Zhanmei has seen too many such expressions, he has gotten used to it, and learned early on to smile lightly and say it's okay.

But he still couldn't help but increasingly paranoid speculation: What is it regrettable?It's a pity that the one who survived was not the mother?She is the one who is known by everyone, loved by her father, and expected, right?

"I'm ashamed of this thought, it's me," he lowered his head, hiding himself in the darkness, "it's as if I killed her, so everyone lost her and had to love me." He paused, "I And because of this, I blame her a little bit, why if I live here to bear everyone's love for her? Even my name is missing her, it seems that without her, I lose all meaning."

Ning Zhanmei is a Zhanmei who "repays for not raising his eyebrows in his life".

They all said that Ning Zhanmei resembled Zhao Junlan, but he hated this resemblance in many short moments.Don't look at her, he wants to yell at the sad face looking at him, look at me.

He is like an excellent relic of Zhao Junlan in the world for people to pay tribute to.

Am I not good enough?He thought badly, how can he compare to her?He was answered by the click of his father closing the door, and nothing came of it.

Ning Zhanmei even hypothesized a bit despicably, it would be fine if his mother wasn't so good, his father didn't have to miss his virtuous wife, and his aunt didn't have to miss her virtuous sister-in-law, if she had bad character and vulgar taste, Ning Zhanmei would be better , can it be regarded as a lucky gift from heaven?No one will miss her.

"Do I love her? Why should I love a stranger?" he asked, "It's just that everyone is required to love their mother, so I love her for granted. It's a deception, loving her just to Just to keep my conscience from condemnation."

Ning Zhanmei's tone was too calm, like reporting a well-prepared answer essay, with sufficient arguments and complete logic.It took him a long time to figure out such a truth, an answer about his mother.

How would Bi Qiannian think of him?He didn't dare to think about it, and he didn't think about it.Who can accept such a ruthless person, all the light-hearted jokes and all the careless idleness are lifted away, and after the clouds and mist dissipate, there is a wasteland full of withered grass, and he holds a heart that he thinks is cold.

Ning Zhanmei was silent in the darkness, with his head lowered, he put himself on the hinges and sentenced himself. Bi Qiannian felt that he was like a strict judge and also like a notorious criminal.

Is it really?He frowned, thinking that there were too many loopholes, did everyone expect Zhao Junlan instead of Ning Zhanmei?Is love a deception?No, of course not.

"Ning Zhanmei, that's not the case." Bi Qiannian said, "You didn't kill Auntie, you obviously knew it, right? This is not a single choice of who dies, it's an accident."

Bi Qiannian looked at him, the light from the screen gently shining on his face.

"Why do you think of yourself so badly? You obviously love her too. If she is a bad woman and people around her talk about her with disgust, is that okay?" Bi Qiannian said, " The people around miss her because she is very good. This is a kind of affirmation to the aunt, and it is the people around who keep telling you: you have a very good, very good mother."

"It's just that she didn't have time to love you. If she was still alive, she would definitely love you very much. This possibility, no," Bi Qiannian paused, "This is inevitable, mother's love, and she is a kind-hearted woman. This human aspect opens up an open space for us, so that we can always turn around and believe in her, be attached to her, and this is how we love her."

There is no law that stipulates who must love whom. The love between parents and children seems to be an instinct, and sometimes it even becomes a moral coercion. Some love is indeed forced, a kind of deception.

However, Zhao Junlan was a gentle and kind woman before her death. Her kindness enabled Ning Zhanmei to always trust her mother.They are not strangers, but their fate is still shallow, and they have not had time to give each other love, but this does not mean that this love is indeed absent.

Ning Zhan looked at him with a hint of ignorance. He understood, but he had never thought about it this way, like a child receiving new knowledge.Bi Qiannian was amused by his expression, the two dimples were as gentle as usual.

"Auntie and uncle are very good people... In fact, I have also gone through some detours in thinking about my father," he said, "He was almost blank in the first part of my life, and I didn't even know I had a father. I hated him a little bit. When he came to me, I felt that he loved me, but can I love him?"

"I can't do it, but the fact that he loves me reassures me a lot." Bi Qiannian squeezed Ning Zhanmei's hand, "It turns out that I also have a father. Although he is very bad, he loves me. That's enough gone."

"Auntie loves you very much, that's enough. What's more, she is still a very good person, so you can love her too, as a matter of course, with pride, and with peace of mind."

He also thought about the extent to which Ning Zhanmei had been ignored, that he would have the idea of ​​competing with his mother for love, thinking that his relatives cared for him because of his deceased mother.Bi Qiannian felt distressed uncontrollably.

"Uncle Ning may be too busy and sometimes ignores you, but he definitely loves you very much. Everyone is sorry because Auntie is a good person. I love you because you are a good person." Bi Qiannian The tone is gentle and slow, as if coaxing him.

Seeing that he didn't speak, Bi Qiannian grabbed Ning Zhanmei's hand again, and when he thought of being allergic because of this action, Ning Zhanmei was afraid that he would scratch him, so he took his hand and led him to the hospital.

Ning Zhanmei was very good, Bi Qiannian thought, if his family was happy, there would be people who would love him, and he would not be treated preferentially because of anything else.It would be great if Ning Zhanmei had a happy family, he thought, so he doesn't have to worry about these things.

"For example, I am your friend because I like you. This has nothing to do with Auntie, right?" Bi Qiannian said without being shy at all, he took it for granted, who wouldn't like Ning Zhanmei?

Ning Zhanmei has excellent grades, looks sharp, but not arrogant, and can chat with anyone.Personality seems inconsistent, but careful everywhere, very tolerant of friends, know how to protect people's fragility.

Bi Qiannian has had a deep friendship with Ning Zhanmei recently, and Ning Zhanmei's attitude made him feel very comfortable. Now that he looks good everywhere, how can anyone not like him?Ning Zhanmei also laughed at him for treating himself as a baby bump, and now he is completely fascinated by Ning Zhanmei, and he is just a big baby that people like.

He was afraid that Ning Zhanmei wouldn't believe him, so he said with more certainty, "Ning Zhanmei, you're playing tricks, you should underestimate yourself. You are loved because you are good."

Bi Qiannian nodded again, as if affirming himself, "Excellent."

Seeing Bi Qiannian nodding his little black head, Ning Zhanmei wanted to laugh, but at the same time wanted to cry.

He said, "I'm going to cry, can I hug you."

Without waiting for Bi Qiannian to reply, she grabbed his hand and held him in her arms.Bi Qiannian didn't laugh at him, but patted him on the back reassuringly.

Ning Zhanmei didn't cry. In the bedroom where there was only light reflected from the screen, in the darkness where there was still light, he only felt indescribably complete.Bi Qiannian's warm body was completely embedded in his arms, and he seemed to be complete because of it.

He became complete because of Bi Qiannian, he no longer clings to the meaning of his mother, no longer paranoidly digs into a dead end, and makes life difficult for himself.

The meaning of Ning Zhanmei broke through the ground under the warm palm of Bi Qiannian's pat, and in the sound of the heart of Bi Qiannian who was only separated by two summer clothes.

I was watered brightly and grandly by the love and liking between his words.

Rooted in him is his unavoidable heartbeat.

His heart was beating too fast, could Bi Qiannian feel it?He was a little frightened and had dangerous expectations.Did you hear, my heart beats too fast for you.

Bi Qiannian saved him, but it seemed that he had a new kind of poison, which made him feel panic, uneasiness, and boundless joy.

The boy in his arms taught him love and stole one from him.