quail

Yang Jian thought of the sea at that moment.

Wenling, Zhejiang, Shitang Town, a long and smooth coastline.When he hadn't reported to southern Sichuan five years ago, he put Yang Yuqiu there.In fact, he had thought about it a few times before, he must go to see it, bring Yang Yuqiu and Li Bai with him, and he will take some pictures of them.The reason is very simple, just because when he was in college, he heard from his classmates from Zhejiang that it was the first place in mainland China to see the sunrise.

Yang Jian thought it was necessary for him to see it with his own eyes, and he also believed that the ascent of Chaoyang was one of the few things in the world worth spending time watching.As for the reason, it is even simpler. The morning sun is precious because it is fleeting. When it is too mature, the orange-red circumference will grow light thorns and turn into a pale yellow, and the mist will dissipate. That kind of bright but not dazzling The state is quite comfortable, but it won't last long for him to watch.

But at that time, he didn't think about these things—the days were already like this, if he had to question the reason for everything and find out the answer for himself, his life might not be able to survive.

Before sunrise, a small boat was rented, and the fishermen took him into the sea.The blue sky lit up from the edge, dyed layer by layer, and a sea of ​​waterfowl passed over his head. He stood alone at the stern of the boat, enveloped by the first rays of dawn.

At that time, the wind was very humid and cold, as if it was about to rain, and the fisherman's yelling came from the deck.He also remembered what he was thinking at that time, thinking that he finally came, earlier than expected, but he didn't bring his camera.When he saw the sun, he didn't know whether it was disappointment or what, a huge hole leaked in his heart.

With the empty wooden box at his feet, the last wisp of dust sifting through his fingers, he watched the sea quietly, like watching a handful of sand seep into a desert.

The sea water still gushed out ripples, and the few waves seemed to be mixed with something, but they were still rolling backwards, and soon disappeared.

All have left him.It was as if he lost his last piece of luggage before leaving.

This is not leaving any clues, and there is no need to see each other again in this life.

Yang Jian stared into Li Bai's eyes.

Sunrise is nice.

Those three words are also very good.

But does everyone want it?

Five years have passed, and it is nothing more than a can of ashes. I don't know where it has been circulated with the ocean currents, and what kind of ends of the world it will be.If the sea is wide enough, does Yang Yuqiu have traveled around the world?

This has always been her wish.

Yang Jian also admitted his selfishness, he didn't want to burn paper in front of his sister's grave, year after year, speechless, so he simply didn't buy a cemetery.Which one does Yang Yuqiu like?He made the decision for her.That bit of remains can be said to have dissipated and disappeared without a trace, but it can also be said to be scattered all over the world. He didn't want to worship, but why did he come back?Still no answer.

Yang Jian climbed up the hill he used to climb, and faced the rising sun and groups of fishing boats. He wore suitable glasses, and he could see much more clearly than when his eyes just broke down. He took pictures, but did not keep them impulse.He went to the seaside where he had once walked again, stepped into the cold water with his trouser legs rolled up, and chased the receding tide.

Also can't keep the sea.

The birthday passed, and the Mid-Autumn Festival also passed. He told Na Pianhai that he returned to Beijing after his wanderings.He also told her that Zhao Weizong was doing well now, and that he had just returned from a vacation in the North Pole when he met a few days ago, and he had an extra ring on his finger.

He also wanted to ask, what would you ghosts choose to do when you tried to forget something completely but failed repeatedly?Maybe ghosts have no memory, and they don't have this trouble.

Yang Yuqiu might not remember how he died.What can't be forgotten is the living person.

The water just lapped gently, smoothing the fine sand and wrapping around his ankles.

Before the anniversary of his death passed, Yang Jian left—he didn’t come back this time to commemorate the memorial. The landlord even called, saying that someone also wanted to rent the house he had just finished. He was in his 20s, male , Single loves cleanliness, since he lives alone in the space, I want to ask him if he has any intention of sharing the space.

What a good excuse to leave.

On the phone, Yang Jian didn't reply, but asked the man to wait.There were no tickets for the Golden Week, and there were only first-class seats on sporadic flights, so he went back and met with that person.

He is an artist, just graduated from the Academy of Fine Arts, and plans to open a tattoo shop over the Drum Tower, and is willing to share the rent with him.

He found some reason to refuse.

After the landlord learned about it, he seemed to think there was something wrong with him.

Yang Jian really likes this aimless feeling, and it's comfortable to be alone.Beijing has been demolished and built everywhere, and its appearance has changed drastically. It has been so long since he came back that he has time to take a good look.He didn't plan to go to any place for interviews for the time being, and tried to go to bed early and get up early, but it didn't go well, and he started to buy vegetables and cook for himself, which was sometimes difficult to swallow.He also bought a lot of books, organized the test materials he brought back without reading, bargained at the printing shop, and met many former friends.

They all like to say, "You are back." They also like to say, "These years have been really difficult." Yang Jian always laughed it off.After talking about the routine, some people will pretend that they don’t know anything else, but there are also some people who are close, such as Luo Ping’an, who will ask about Li Bai after asking him why he went all the way to Zhejiang.

Yang Jian often answers: peaceful coexistence.

What is this relationship like? Since that person has defined it for him, he has nothing to correct. Whether it is far or near, he is used to coming and going freely with others and himself.

He thought he was going to spend a short vacation like this, and then live more days again, "happy every day"?Yang Jian didn't want to deceive himself.The key is that he doesn't think that people live for happiness, and without that unnecessary expectation, it is easy to obtain peace.

However, the night before, he was alone in the empty room sewing buttons, and the battered omelets on the plate in front of him had cooled down, when the switch tripped suddenly, and his fingertips were inevitably pricked.

Not in a hurry to fix it, he leaned against the wall and listened to the neighbor upstairs who started to get angry after dinner, throwing cups, bowls and chairs, beating and crying the child.

He received another text message from Li Bai.

Let's meet today.

Li Bai was still thinking about his gift.

Sorry, I have something to do.

This is real.

After Yang Jian sent these eight characters, the screen of the phone was stained with blood, which became thinner after one wipe.

But now Li Bai still appeared in front of him, from that blurred shadow to his subordinates, smiling, coughing, and talking to him.It was so soft from the waist to the neck, the eyes were closed, and they couldn't open them. The blackened hands grasped his wrists and pressed down, as if asking him to use more force.

I love you.

How did Li Bai pronounce these three syllables?Yang Jian thought that he would cry and quarrel, pour wine on Fang Zhaozhi's face, or light a cigarette and burn himself.But Li Bai stayed there for a while, let him drag him away, and then told him that he had failed.Yang Jian's sea has been stored for so long, and suddenly it collapsed. He woke up suddenly from the turbulent waves. He first saw the sea surface, and then watched it shrink into a small depression that was about to dry up on the old ground after the rain, struggling and rolling, Can no longer drown out ears.

But I love you.Really heard clearly.

As if he had just realized what he was doing, Yang Jian let go of his hands, hanging straight by his side, rising and falling with his breathing.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Li Bai panted for a while, exhaling long and short breaths, metallic light flashed between his teeth, and the saliva flowed out uncontrollably following the cough, hanging brightly on the corner of his mouth in this dark place avoided by the neon lights.

He covered his neck and said apologetically, "...not very well."

"..." Yang Jian wiped his face with his sleeve, pressed the heels of his palms inside, and wiped away the messy water marks, "I'm sorry."

But Li Bai gradually regained the rhythm of his breathing, spread out his hands, spread himself flat on the grass, just looked at him and smiled.The voice was still hoarse: "Then give me artificial respiration."

He said solemnly again: "I used artificial respiration before and saved a fish."

When Yang Jian heard the words, he bent down and raised his chin with two fingers to ask him to open his mouth wide, but he was really going to do what he said.Li Bai panicked all of a sudden, grabbed the grass on the ground, stepped back, leaned against Holly behind him, and sat up.

Panting more urgently than before: "I'm talking nonsense, I won't die."

"Don't force yourself..." he said again.

Yang Jian stared at him, and stood up, carrying the street lamp on his back, with his pockets in his back, only the ends of his hair were shining.

Li Bai subconsciously shrank his shoulders.

"What about the fish?"

"The fish is real. My goldfish... I followed the instructions on the Internet and it became alive and kicking! But then it died."

"I used to think you were a fool." Yang Jian suddenly smiled, "It seems to be getting worse in recent years."

"I know I am too." Li Bai hugged his knees and said sullenly.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Yang Jian still smiled, and even extended a hand to him.

Li Bai raised his eyes in confusion: "I'm not going home."

"...I still have something to tell you." His legs were unable to stand up for a while, which made him most desperate.

Yang Jian said "Oh" as if he had suddenly realized, and squatted beside him, expressing that he was listening attentively, "Speak."

Li Bai took a deep breath, can you speak?He did something inexplicable just now, but Yang Jian still wanted to listen, waiting for him to say something.Are you going to scold him more accurately after listening to it?He slowly said: "I have a definition for everyone I know. Those who are annoying are not very annoying. It doesn't matter to me whether I hate it or not. There are also friends, and..." His hands dropped, fingertips Touching the wetness of the land, "We two... I have been looking for answers all this time. I asked monks, blind men who played the violin, butcher models, Buddhas! But no, no, none of them Will understand, but you understand, only you understand."

When he said this, there was a crying sound from the road outside the green belt, Yang Jian turned to look, so Li Bai followed him to see, it was a little girl with a schoolbag, but about seven or eight years old, she was lifted halfway by her mother abruptly Shoulders, are wailing under the street lamp.

Yang Jian looked back at Li Bai's face and said, "I don't understand."

Li Bai was stunned for a moment, "That's right, I can't define you as a friend. I feel so uncomfortable when I think of you as my friend. It feels like leaving you completely." His fingers dug into the soil, nails There was an inexplicable pungent feeling in the cracks, as if he had opened his own scars, he spoke more and more slowly, and his voice became smaller and smaller, "But, I did something irreparable, and I can't go back to what I did in the past. .”

"I can't go back." Yang Jian also lowered his voice and repeated his words.

"I've been regretting it for the past few years. Sometimes I dreamed that you were dead, and when I woke up, I felt it was true, but I didn't know whether I was alive or dead..." Li Bai arched his back and pressed his forehead to his hands. Knee, I want to shrink myself even smaller, "I found you later, I don't know why, I became more scared, and when I saw you, I wondered if I had become better, if I was a little normal, now I look like a failure gone."

"It did fail," Yang Jian said, "Me too."

"You failed? What?"

Yang Jian answered irrelevantly: "So what are you going to do? If you feel that meeting is so scary, then it's fine if you don't see each other in the future."

"No, that's not what I meant!" Li Bai almost jumped up, "I mean, I can't leave you anymore! From now on, you don't have to worry about me, just go forward, go wherever you want, just give me Leave a way, don't drive me away, I want to treat you well, I don't want to have no chance... It is enough for me to chase after and see you."

"Can't you see it now?" Yang Jian laughed, "You can't always find me and appear in places I can't think of."

"When you are nice to me, it always makes me feel very dangerous, even more dangerous, I feel like this, I told you," Li Bai seemed not to hear, and continued to think to himself, "So don't be nice to me... But don't leave me either."

"You think so?"

Li Bai didn't speak, but just opened his eyes wide, dumbfounded and misty.

It was like a kind of almost hopeless waiting.

"I'll tell you too," Yang Jian focused on looking at him, "I can't do things that contradict myself, and I don't want to do them."

"I don't want you to be with me, I won't restrict your freedom, and I won't do weird things... I just miss you, it's simple, I miss you!"

He swallowed desperately and choked: "Take care of me, hug me, kiss me, I don't need to do anything else, I will be very happy! I won't run away again..."

"Really?" Yang Jian asked.

He grabbed the trembling wrist of Li Bai's left hand, and lifted the new scar to their ears. He approached Li Bai again, less than a fist away, "Is this a strange thing?"

Li Bai wanted to break free, but to no avail, "...I'm not afraid of this."

Yang Jian pressed against his ear, "Don't lie to me."

Li Bai's whole body started to tremble, and he burst into tears: "Because you smoke!"

"Yes, I smoke." Yang Jian's gaze dropped coldly, looking at the dusty round leaves behind him, "You can also use my smoking as a reason to burn yourself."

"You said you would accompany me to quit smoking..."

"But where are you?"

He also grabbed the other wrist, pressed Li Bai's shoulder, suppressed his disappointing trembling, it was almost like a hug, and he continued: "Let me go, and blame me for not accompanying you, you It’s really unbelievable.”

"...Today is October [-]th." Li Bai was still retreating into the Holly.

"Yes," Yang Jian fixed him so that he could no longer go in, then grabbed his right hand in front of him forcefully, and turned on his dial, "October 26th, [-] at [-]:[-] p.m. "

"You and them, watching football, eating, drinking, I thought you forgot."

"Do you want me to forget?"

"I don't want to, if I forget it, I won't be you anymore, don't do that, I don't want that..." Li Bai's tears wet Yang Jian's shoulders, he was crying and laughing, breathing wildly and hot, "I hope I get sicker Be more serious, I want to die early, and I deserve it! You may feel sorry for me, love me fiercely again, and then continue to hate me, hate me even more."

"Too selfish?" Yang Jian pinched his fingertips.

"Selfish..." Yes, Li Bai smiled, he actually liked this word very much, he looked over Yang Jian's shoulder to look at the dizzyingly bright street, and said quietly, "I can be more selfish, Mr. Yang , Dr. Fang likes you, you know it very well, right? You stay together a lot these days, don't you? Separate from him, don't let him like you, let alone him. "

Yang Jian was so angry that he laughed. He thought he could just leave. Facts have proved that many reasons do not make sense to Li Bai, so they shouldn't take chances. As long as they stay together, they are wasting each other's emotions and time.

But at this moment, there was a scream behind him, and he realized that it was the evolution of crying. Looking back, it was still the same girl, her schoolbag was no longer on her shoulders, and she was pulled by her mother's braids and her feet were almost dangling in the air. Two big slaps slapped her across the face, and she let out a sharp cry like she was dying.

The girl was then knocked to the ground.

Yang Jian recalled the farce upstairs last night. Parents were angry and children were beaten. After so many years, is it still justified?

But this was on the main road, and enthusiastic and righteous people had already surrounded the past, some persuaded with kind words, and some shouted.

Li Bai was extremely abnormal, he stopped sobbing at some point, and stopped crying, but his hands were cold, trembling faintly in Yang Jian's hands, causing chills all over his body, as if a thread was pulling him up and down. , blocked his breath, and opened his eyelids with clips.

"Save her, save her." He pushed Yang Jian's shoulder, as if he wanted to stand up by himself.

Then Yang Jian pushed him back and knelt down on one knee. Yang Jian grabbed his legs and even hugged his waist with one hand.

The other hand covered his eyes, not letting him look again.

"There are two outcomes for saving her," Yang Jian said in a low voice, "One is to help her beat her mother to death, and the other is to let her rest for a while and go back to be beaten harder."

Li Bai was speechless, shook his head in his arms, wet his palms, and his hair was picked up by static electricity and attached to his neck and cheeks, looking like some kind of messy animal hair.

They could all see that the woman's unhesitating appearance was by no means the first time she had made a move.

"Which one do you think is better?" Yang Jian asked.

The girl had already been helped up, someone wiped her tears, someone touched her head, but she cried even more miserably.

"Do you think the parents will change it?" Yang Jian asked again.

Li Bai finally responded, but he was very confused and couldn't make a sentence: "She is pitiful, I think, I don't want to see..."

"En." Yang Jian rubbed his back, and began to stroke his spine.

"But I didn't lie to you, I'm really not afraid, cigarette butts," he had been burned by bigger things many times when he was a child, and the scars were strangely shaped, and they were still on his back, under the gentle touch, "I'm not afraid, Brother, I'm not afraid..."

It's a pity that no matter how messy he is, Yang Jian can understand him.

It's a pity that "brother", no matter how soft it was, he still called it.

The embrace tightened even more, making it hard for him to breathe, and separated him from those beatings and crying, "I know." He heard Yang Jian say.

Li Bai doesn't know what kind of state this is. Is Yang Jian willing to hug him again? After the reunion, they did it many times, but they didn't turn on the light once. Can Yang Jian remember his ugly back? .It's just that the tranquility brought by that embrace finally suppressed the panic, and he suddenly let go of his strength. Completely, he put his arms on Yang Jian's shoulders, and leaned his forehead there, as if hanging himself on Yang Jian's shoulders. body.

Only to hear the person say again: "I am also a selfish person, and she is not the only one who needs to be saved."

Yes, yes, there are so many children, and you have saved a lot... so save me... save me.Li Bai's breathing gradually calmed down, thinking silently.He was temporarily supported, and he would not fall again, because Yang Jian's heart softened.It was so obvious and undisguised, yet he only realized that it might be due to his timidity and abjection.

Whenever he was in a state of fascination and despair, Yang Jian would be soft to him.

By chance, I have seen a few children who were beaten in the street, especially at night, he would always turn into such a chaotic state, Yang Jian always remembered to cover his eyes.

It was like this many years ago, it was like this in the villages of Liangshan, how come it is still like this now.I don't know if it's his luck or despicability.Or it's just that Yang Jian drank too much wine...or it's just that Yang Jian is also in pain.

"She was taken away." Li Bai came back to his senses and whispered.

"Then let's talk about you." Yang Jian took it easy.

"I have nothing to say... I've told you what I was thinking."

"But you were wrong from the very beginning. You and I have long been unable to say anything. Friends? Lovers? There is no word to give this definition." Yang Jian paused, and then said, "I respect your choice, how comfortable do you think of you? How come, then you found me again and told me that you were not feeling well."

"I just want to know how you are comfortable." Li Bai said dejectedly.

"I don't care, I just want you to think about yourself first."

"With Fang Zhaozhi? You hit it off very well." Even more frustrated.

The tone was like a whisper, but Yang Jian joked to himself: "What do you think about me and Fang Zhaozhi?"

"I do not know--"

Yang Jian interrupted: "If I tell you that I kissed and slept with him, will you not love me?"

"Is it possible?" Li Bai stared straight at him and sighed, "I love you to death, it's impossible to give up, and there are many people who love you, so thinking about those things is just asking for trouble!" He said He opened his mouth and took a bite on that shoulder. Suddenly, he used a lot of strength. He bit it for a long time before letting go, making his teeth numb, and the faint smell of blood permeated the tip of his tongue. , "I can only tell myself that everyone is my substitute, made of paper or clay. In Yang Jian's eyes, they are not even human beings."

"If it's not like this, don't correct me." He felt that his teeth were very comfortable, and he laughed at himself.

Yang Jian didn't make a sound from being bitten, and didn't pay attention to his nagging anymore, just told him to stand up, and pulled him out of the grass surrounded by holly.Li Bai was covered in broken grass and dirt, and Li Bai's hands were loosened. He followed Yang Jian in a panic, and realized that this seemed to be returning the same way, and the person in front of him had already looked at his phone, as if Browsing through messages you just missed.When he guessed that Yang Jian had worn out his patience, the table in the corner of the garden came into view, Fang Zhaozhi was still sitting there, and the others were also there, and they were all silent.

"Senior brother!" Seeing Yang Jian approaching, only Fang Zhaozhi stood up, a little cautious and cautious, "Your glasses. I thought you would come to get them later."

After a fence and a big blue fake flower, Yang Jian took the pair of glass back into his hand.

He said "thank you" to Fang Zhaozhi, put it on, and suddenly pulled Li Bai to his side, meeting those four eyes.

It's as if you've been prepared--

First, pinch the back of the neck to make people subconsciously raise their heads.

Then he kissed Li Bai.

Smell, burn, sigh.The neighboring table was also watching, but the sound of clinking glasses stopped abruptly, and under the watchful eyes of everyone, Yang Jian didn't stop.He first looked sideways at Fang Zhaozhi, and then quickly fell back to his eyes—Li Bai was also looking at him, his eyelids were swollen, but the light inside was very bright, from unbelievable to obsessed, so close , The more he looked, the more he couldn't see clearly, so he could only concentrate on it, from the eyes to the kiss, from the face to the middle of the person, to the mouth that always said stupid things.

Li Bai seemed to gradually understand what he was doing.

After kissing Li Bai, he smiled. Satisfied, he rubbed the bridge of his nose against Yang Jian's Adam's apple, and rubbed his forehead against the corners of his still wet lips... He himself was bloody from being kissed, and he looked at Fang Zhaozhi exactly like Yang Jian, "Thank you." You, Doctor Fang."

Fang Zhaozhi's face was already pale.

"You're welcome." He replied hoarsely.

These words crushed Li Bai's heart, but at this moment, the secret and strong pleasure prevailed, extremely dominant, in front of his own little happiness, who would care about others!Yang Jian was still holding his waist, that feeling of not caring about anything... So it was the same for everyone.

Only for him is there an exception.

He wasn't the only one who was weird, Yang Jian had less worries than him when he did such a tongue-in-cheek weird thing.

Is it because Yang Jian not only doesn't mind other people's eyes, but also doesn't mind anyone's tears?Comfortable and clear, this is what Yang Jian needs, and the rest are things that can be held in hand or thrown away.

Yang Jian like this is too selfish, too cruel, and he likes it too much.

If you want to avoid hurt, don't fall in love with such a person!Li Bai really wanted to advise.He is not afraid of any harm, can others do it?Just him.He is ill, but Yang Jian is even more ill, only his illness can catch Yang Jian's illness, so, of course, only he can love Yang Jian to the end!

Yang Jian said that he did not keep his word.

It seems a little difficult for Yang Jian to fall in love with him so seriously, and it may not have happened before, not to mention that now, they are already exhausted and riddled with wounds, and they really can't go back.

But falling in love with others is even more difficult for Yang Jian.

Then he never let go.

This feeling is the same as being filled with air in the lungs by artificial respiration. Whatever it is, at least after almost dying, you can live again.Wrapping his arms around Yang Jian's neck, Li Bai stood on tiptoe and approached the man's ear, "Brother, brother," said aggrievedly, "I'm hard."

Pasting the heartbeat of the man, he smiled quietly again: "Take me to open a room."