What is the experience of wearing in Gouxue Wen?

On the night of New Year's Eve, Shen Yuanhang lay in bed, from midnight to sunrise, without any sleepiness, his mind was full of Shen Chenan's problem today.

He saw in the circle of friends before that he didn't know which friend sent it. When a person sends a message to someone he likes, his expression will be very different from usual.They may not be aware of it themselves, but the people next to them can see it at a glance.

They will laugh uncontrollably because of a common sentence, and will blush because of a common love sentence, and even their voices are different from usual, as if they have been soaked in sugar water, and their bodies are full of sweet and greasy molecules.

Today's Shen Chen'an was like this, Lu Qi Mingming didn't say anything, but he couldn't help but be overjoyed, even the end of his words changed slightly, and he subconsciously showed his softest side to the other party.

Shen Yuanhang was a little lost in thought, before Shen Chen'an and Lu Qi fell in love, he really didn't expect his brother to have such a good and cute side.Or maybe there was a similar scene before, he would follow behind him and call his brother sweetly, and he would stand there obediently and wait just because he said that he was not allowed to run around...

It's just that it was a memory from too long ago, and when he recalled it, he couldn't even confirm whether it was his own memory or a fantasy.

Shen Yuanhang had been paranoid before that it was Lu Qi's appearance that snatched his younger brother away.But thinking about it carefully, before Lu Qi appeared, I didn't have a good relationship with Shen Chen'an. It's just that I didn't like him unilaterally when I was a child, and it turned into a tit-for-tat two-way loathing.

Since when did it change?

Was it that time when I went out with my friends and left him with the nanny, was it that time I almost lost him in the mall, or was it that time when he quarreled with outsiders and I stood opposite him?

Shen Yuanhang couldn't answer this question, he traced the past along the long river of his memory, and finally fixed on the hospital with the disgusting smell of disinfectant and the corpse covered in white cloth when he was four years old - it was him The day my mother died.

-

The road from Chengbei Prison to the community where Lu Qi's house is located is high-speed. The driver was almost stuck at the speed limit all the way back, but Lu Qi still felt that it was too slow.On the way home, Shen Chen'an's crying voice and the words Liu Ju said kept spinning in his mind.

Shen Chenan cried and said that his mother died of postpartum depression after giving birth to him.

Liu Ju said that when he was young, he saw Mrs. Shen next door standing on the balcony and cutting her wrists, blood dripping on the lilies, she was very cautious.Later, he asked his father, Mrs. Shen, what happened. His father said she was crazy and told him to stay away from her when he went out.

He was young at that time and couldn't remember many things at all. That scene was sealed in the deepest part of his memory. If Lu Qi didn't ask, he wouldn't be able to remember it at all.

Postpartum depression, suicide, these words kept appearing in Lu Qi's mind, almost driving him crazy.He's already like this, so what about Shen Chen'an, the client?

Lu Qi didn't dare to think about it, he could only urge the driver to drive faster, for fear that Shen Chen'an would have an accident.The car finally arrived, and he almost galloped into the house. As soon as he opened the door, he saw Shen Chen'an huddled in the entrance.

After meeting someone, Lu Qi's nervousness disappeared, replaced by an uncontrollable heartache.

He has known Shen Chen'an for many years, but he has never seen him like this, his eyes are red and swollen, and he is shrunk into a small ball, as if he will hide himself and never see anyone again.

Lu Qi closed the door softly, knelt down opposite Shen Chen'an, hugged him cautiously and said, "Don't be afraid, I'm back."

Shen Chen'an was like a puppet without a soul, looking at Lu Qi blankly without any reaction.

Lu Qi just sat with him at the door without saying a word, until he felt a little cold, and then Shen Chen'an suddenly said: "If there is no me, won't mother die?"

As soon as the words came out, Shen Chen'an burst into tears, and the tears kept falling down.

Lu Qi's heart was sore, he held him in his arms, and patted his back lightly.

Shen Chen'an completely collapsed in the familiar embrace, overwhelming grief overwhelmed him, he grabbed Lu Qi's clothes desperately, looking for the last chance to breathe.

-

After Lu Qi went out this morning, Shen Yuanhang came to find Shen Chen'an, and the first sentence he said at the beginning was that he remembered why he didn't like Shen Chen'an in the first place.

Shen Yuanhang sat on the sofa and said slowly: "I was only two years old when you were born, and I can't remember many things clearly, but I have always had the impression that your birth changed many things, not that your parents concern, but something else."

"As far as I can remember, my mother often lost her temper and quarreled with my father at home, and then my father went to the company, and she went back to the room to see no one, and the only person at home who talked to me was the nanny, and you who kept crying in the cradle .Once they quarreled so badly that they dropped things on the floor, almost hitting me, which frightened me. After Mom went back to the room, I cried and asked my father and mother what happened. He said that my mother was sick. Said she wasn't like this before..."

"I was only three years old at that time, and my memory was not very perfect, so I remembered one thing—" He paused for a long time before saying in an obscure voice: "My mother used to be a very gentle person, she would not Arguing with my father at home will not throw me aside..."

Shen Chen'an added what he hadn't said: "It was my birth that changed everything." His mind was almost blank, and he asked instinctively, "How did mother die?"

"Suicide." After saying these two words, the following words were not so difficult to say. Shen Yuanhang continued: "She took medicine, but she was not rescued after being sent to the hospital because of postpartum depression."

The words postpartum depression hit Shen Chen'an like a hammer. He was not a fool, so he naturally knew what it was.He thought, no wonder Shen Mao, who is a father, and Shen Yuanhang, who is an elder brother, don't like him. Who would like a person who killed his wife and mother?

Human memory is a very magical thing. You can remember some special things when you are about three years old. If you think of this thing repeatedly, or connect this thing with some other things, you will remember everything. Engraved firmly in the depths of memory, I will never forget it in this life.

Shen Yuanhang automatically completed the perfect mother and the crazy mother who was about to commit suicide in the back of his mind. He made a division between the two with Shen Chenan's birth, and even connected the mother's death with the younger brother's birth. Together, although this is only a vague impression, it is enough to make him dislike Shen Chen'an.Later, when he was a little older and knew more things, he knew rationally that Shen Chen'an could not be blamed for this matter, and they had reached the age of the most rebellious middle school students. What a difference this age will get along with.

By the time they have passed the most rebellious and difficult years, the way the two brothers get along can no longer be changed, and the relationship has almost been destroyed.They didn't have a chance to resolve their previous grievances, and they faced the most real problem of family property, and their relationship reached a freezing point.

After a long time, he couldn't remember why the relationship between himself and Shen Chen'an was bad. He only felt that their relationship had been bad since childhood, and he remembered that he didn't like this younger brother.He is used to the quarrel between the two brothers, why would he think about the reason for the quarrel in the first place?

On the night of New Year's Eve, Shen Yuanhang sorted out the changes in the relationship between the two of them, and only then did he complete the original reason in his mind, and broke out in a cold sweat.If it wasn't for Shen Chen'an's sudden decision to give up the family property, and the relationship between the two entered a buffer period, they would still go on tit for tat.

Maybe one day the two people who have settled down over the years will reach a reconciliation, or maybe the relationship will completely collapse and they will never communicate with each other.No matter what the situation is, they will spend most of the time in just a few decades arguing, and leave endless remorse and regret for the rest of their lives.

Thinking of this, Shen Yuanhang said: "I'm sorry, I was ignorant and paranoid when I was young. You are my younger brother, and I should take good care of you." An ignorant child, that was also his fault.

Shen Chen'an shook his head mechanically, but didn't say anything.

He couldn't remember what the two of them said afterwards, but he roughly remembered that when sending Shen Yuanhang out, he said that his mother's postpartum depression should not be counted on his newborn baby, so he should not think too much about it.

That's what he said, but the idea that he wouldn't die without his mother still entangled him. He thought about what kind of person his mother passed away countless times, but he never thought that he was the cause of her death.

He called Lu Qi almost instinctively, and then shrank in the entrance as if he lost his strength, waiting for a follow-up who didn't know the direction.

-

Lu Qi put Shen Chen'an, who was crying so exhausted, to sleep, and sat by the bed trying to rearrange the whole thing.From Shen Chen'an's intermittent narration just now, coupled with the inferences Liu Ju said, he basically has a puzzle piece of this matter.

Shen Chen'an's mother suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to him, and her condition continued to deteriorate for two years, eventually committing suicide.Shen Mao's attitude towards Shen Chen'an is probably love-hate. He didn't care much about him but never treated him badly.Shen Yuanhang, who was also very young at the time, made a connection between the death of his mother and the birth of his younger brother, and unilaterally started targeting Shen Chen'an.This is also why the father and son of the Shen family have been dependent on each other for so many years, but the relationship is more distant and rigid than usual.

As for Liu Ju, he only saw Mrs. Shen's illness once when he was a child, remembered her going crazy and committing suicide, and guessed the final cause of her death by mistake.

Lu Qi looked at Shen Chen'an who was restless in his sleep and thought, no one was wrong about the whole thing, but the bad result fell on Shen Chen'an, a baby who was completely ignorant at the time.

Intellectually it's not fair, but who can stay sane forever?

Even his first reaction was to regret not being able to stop Shen Yuanhang, causing Shen Chen'an to walk into the even bigger shadow in his heart that his birth killed his mother for no reason.

If he had known all this earlier, he would have chosen to keep it a secret until he found a good solution and revealed it to him.If he can't find it, he can even do it and hide it from him for the rest of his life.

The deceased has passed away, and it is too difficult to untie the knot.

Lu Qi watched Shen Chen'an by the bed for more than an hour before he thought of another question - why did Mrs. Shen, who is so well-behaved and has a happy and prosperous family, suffer from postpartum depression?

The author has something to say:

Thinking back now, my brain was really big at the time... Thanks to the little angel who voted for me or irrigated the nutrient solution for me~

Thanks to the little angel who irrigated [nutrient solution]:

144455923 bottles; 1 bottle;

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!