Manhattanhenge

Su Hui's skin exuded the aroma of green grass and rum, covering Ning Yixiao's body like a mist.

His legs spread apart against the edge of the couch, his toes pressed against the plush rug, powdery and shivering like a sprig of Icelandic ice cream after the rain, the absence of a hug unsettling but a new sensual experience.

Like the tide outside the window, it surges and falls.The way Su Hui kissed him made Ning Yixiao think of the cherry stem many years ago. He once imagined the whole process of knotting, and now it reappears on him one by one.

"Su Hui, are you made of water?"

Ning Yixiao didn't touch him, and put his hands aside, looking as if he was out of it.

Su Hui likes to answer questions with questions, "Did you get dirty?"

"It's everywhere." Ning Yixiao, who was lazily leaning on the sofa, suddenly leaned over and gave him a somewhat rough kiss, almost as unscrupulous as entering the depths of his throat.

Su Hui's bouncing senses are split from time to time, and at this moment, he suddenly thinks of Ning Yixiao's serious appearance in the meeting: wearing glasses, with a cold and serious expression, lips opening and closing, discussions in English, rigorous and focused, logical and interspersed with obscure words Mathematical formulas and neural network models.

It's a different person from now.

Except for myself, no one has ever seen this clever mind at the mercy of desire.

Unable to touch, Ning Yixiao was more attached to kissing than usual, which gave Su Hui a great sense of satisfaction.

They are like two dolls made of maltose, they will melt when they kiss, and they are inextricably glued to each other.

Kissing can blur people's reason and awaken the subconscious.Ning Yixiao raised his hand almost out of habit, trying to control the back of Su Hui's head when he hid behind him.

"No fouls allowed..."

Su Hui laughed, but his eyes were a little absent-minded, and his speech was unclear, "Just tie it up..."

But the situation turned in the next second, and he was pushed into the sofa.

"Ning Yixiao, you made a foul—"

"So what? You can call to stop." Ning Yixiao's hand caressed Su Hui's face, holding his throat gently, "If you want."

Su Hui had no strength to resist, his eyes were lost, and he thought of the days when he was trapped in a mental hospital in a trance.

At that time, there were very few books available, but he was in desperate need of books, and most of the books he could find were related to Christianity. One of them was the autobiography of a Christian, which described the dream encounters of saints and angels:

[…His golden arrow pierced my heart again and again.When he pulled out the golden arrow, my internal organs were also grabbed, leaving me ignited by God's love.The pain is so intense that I can't stop moaning, but the pain is so blissful that I hope it can last forever...]①

And that happened to be the source of inspiration for the sculpture "The Rapture of Saint Teresa" that Su Hui was very obsessed with.

He has never set foot in the Church of Santa Maria in Rome, and has never seen the sculpture group with his own eyes, but he has collected many photographic works and hid them in the drawer of the bedroom. Every tiny detail in the sculpture is deeply remembered, whether it is a small lips parted, or toes curled up.

At this moment, his soul is withdrawn, as if he has become a tourist admiring the sculpture from the third perspective. In his vision, he is just like the pious nun, paralyzed and blurred, shrouded in the golden light like a veil in the hallucination.

The language system also completely collapsed, the vague tongue repeated Ning Yixiao's name and many "no", but it didn't help.

At two o'clock in the morning, Su Hui, who was carried to the bathroom, gradually recovered in the warm water, like an aquatic plant, rejuvenated little by little.

He leaned back in Ning Yixiao's arms, completely sober from the wine, only feeling sore and tired, but full of energy.

"Are you sleepy?" Ning Yixiao lowered his head, rubbed his high nose bridge against Su Hui's shoulder, and kissed Su Hui lightly from time to time, making Su Hui very itchy.

Su Hui shook his head while hiding, and let out a monosyllable negative in his nasal cavity. He smiled and put the foam on Ning Yixiao's face, "Do you want to sleep?"

Ning Yixiao also shook her head, put her lips on his earlobe, and quickly let go.

Su Hui was exhausted and ticklish, so he made him uncomfortable, so she ran to the other side of the bathtub to lean against, and put her foot on Ning Yixiao's chest.

Ning Yixiao lowered her head and kissed his feet covered in foam.

"Su Hui."

"Huh?" He replied lazily.

"You are beautiful."

Su Hui's reaction was a little shy, and she raised her face to look at the ceiling.Mingming was often praised like this, but when he heard Ning Yixiao say it, he still couldn't stop jumping for joy.

"I'm serious."

"……thanks."

Ning Yixiao also smiled, and rubbed his calf with no force.

Su Hui's jaw sank suddenly, and she looked at Ning Yixiao, "Can I go to see the sea?"

Ning Yixiao raised his eyebrows, "Now?"

Su Hui nodded, "I want to go, do you want to come with me?"

"Come here and kiss me."

Su Hui immediately leaned over and kissed Ning Yixiao on the lips, showing an expectant expression.

Ning Yixiao kept his promise, got up, and brought out a lot of water, like rain on the bathtub.

"Lie down, I'll get you clothes."

Five minutes later, Ning Yixiao took Su Hui's hand and walked directly to the beach along the white stairs on the side of the terrace.It is so quiet here that there is only the sound of the sea, the dark blue night sky, the black sea, the snow-white sandy beach illuminated by the moonlight, and a pair of shadows printed on the sand and stones.

"Ning Yixiao."

"Ok?"

"Do you still hate the sea? Like before."

Ning Yixiao remained silent for a few seconds, "It doesn't seem so annoying anymore. When I thought of the sea before, it was full of bad memories, but when I think of the sea later, it is no longer the memories that would give me nightmares."

Su Hui's hair was blown up by the sea breeze, he pulled it behind his ears, walked backwards, and smiled at Ning Yixiao, "Will you think of me?"

Ning Yixiao nodded, "Well. Sometimes when I sit in the office or this house, I will look at the sea, and I will think of you when I look at it. I imagine that if you are here, I should like this scenery very much. But sometimes , I will also think of my mother, and occasionally even see her walking on the beach, wearing a white dress, which is very beautiful."

Su Hui held his hand and just stroked it gently.

"It will be a pity."

"Yeah." Ning Yixiao felt that his life was completely made up of regrets, "Actually, I am afraid to think of her, because I know she will never appear again, and no matter how hard I try, it is impossible for her to see, let her also Owned. For a long time I resented hearing about my parents because I wanted her here more than anyone.”

Ning Yixiao said with a bitter smile, "She hasn't even seen you."

Su Hui's eyes were sore, "Yes, what a pity."

"In the end, she left nothing but a relic box. I haven't opened it until now. Just seeing a box that looks similar makes me anxious."

This was the first time Ning Yixiao confessed to Su Hui frankly. Even after six years, he still couldn't accept his mother's death calmly.

"But she is free now." Su Hui said, "As she told you, as long as she is thrown into the sea, she will be everywhere. Seeing the sea is like seeing her."

Ning Yixiao nodded.

They sat on the edge of the beach and watched the tide come and go, sweeping away sand and shells.

"Sometimes I also feel very regretful." Su Hui held a handful of sand, her voice was very soft, "Obviously I am only 26 years old, but I seem to have lived for a long time and lost everything. The first is my father, I health, and then more and more, like a mudslide, all swept away."

Su Hui looked at Ning Yixiao with a smile, "I haven't told you yet. Just a few days before I broke up with you, my uncle committed suicide because of schizophrenia. Before going to the mourning hall, my mother took me to I went to his house and wanted to call my aunt, but I went upstairs by myself, only to find that she had left too, leaving only a few lines saying that I would accompany him."

Until now, Su Hui has not been able to forget the impact of that time.

"None of this would have happened if the uncle hadn't been mentally ill."

The silence between the two was very short, and Ning Yixiao suddenly said, "You put us in it."

This is something he doesn't know, and it's hard to imagine.

Su Hui didn't deny it, "It's hard not to do this. My illness has a higher suicide rate. Besides, at that time, I really couldn't bear it anymore. Even mania couldn't save me. I tried everything, but I couldn't. Twist their minds, and let me separate from you no matter what."

"Actually, what I regret the most is not the breakup itself, but that I was too vague when I said breakup."

Su Hui lowered her head and was trapped in the small room of the mental hospital. The most painful scene replayed in her mind countless times, "I'm afraid I'm speaking too clearly. If I tell you everything I experienced during that time, you will choose not to separate. , I know you will definitely do this, so I can only say that there is no reason."

Ning Yixiao's hand caressed Su Hui's back.

"I know you hate leaving without a reason, and I also know that you may really give up everything and take me away, but I'm very afraid of this." Su Hui's voice gradually lowered, "I'm sorry, it's all because of me, between us Missed six years."

Ning Yixiao hugged him, "I understand everything, even if you don't say anything, I know it too."

Su Hui smiled, and parted his hair to show him the wound on his neck that had healed and become shallower, "Look, I went to my grandfather's ward, grabbed the fruit knife from the bedside table and put it here, but I didn't know if it was cut. , They think I'm crazy, they're all afraid of me, but they don't intend to listen to me at all."

Ning Yixiao had noticed that slender mark a long time ago, but he never mentioned it. He was afraid that Su Hui's sad thing would make him feel uncomfortable or feel inferior.

Hearing what Su Hui said, Ning Yixiao also heaved a sigh of relief, but he couldn't even imagine how painful Su Hui was.

"It's all over." Ning Yixiao put his arms around his shoulders and kissed the top of his hair.

"But those days will never come back." Su Hui said.

"It's life that doesn't come back."

Hearing this sentence, Su Hui inexplicably agreed and nodded.

"I hated them for a while, especially my grandfather, everyone, I thought they didn't want me anymore."

Su Hui survived by her nostalgia for Ning Yixiao, and gradually lost her expectations for her family.

"After I came out, I spent a long time saving money. Because of my memory loss, I almost forgot their contact information. I could only seek help from all the organizations that I could turn to. They said they would help me look it up, but finally told me, My grandpa died, my mother also passed away, and my grandma is living outside for the elderly, but I don’t know the exact location.”

"And I can't go back." Su Hui smiled wryly, "Even if I paint for tourists during the day and work in a restaurant at night, I can't go back because I'm mentally ill and I need the signature of my guardian .”

How ironic.

Su Hui smiled and said, "I can only stay there, and I really want to find you."

In fact, Su Hui has made a lot of efforts. He once searched for Ning Yixiao's thesis on the Internet. In the author information on the last page, he saw his email address, but the email he sent seemed to have become spam. Ning Yixiao Didn't see it at all.

"Then how did you find grandma?" Ning Yixiao asked softly.

"Professor White helped me find it." Su Hui lowered his eyes, his eyelashes trembling slightly, "He was attending an academic conference in Canada, and I would sell some of the things I made at that time, but in fact, there were not many people in the whole day. I would buy it personally, but when he saw it and said he would take me to New York to study art, I thought he was a liar.”

Su Hui laughed, "But he showed me his works, took me to that academic conference, and asked me to sit in the back and listen. It was like a noble person who fell from the sky and pulled me out."

"I asked him to help find my grandmother. In fact, it was really difficult. It was like finding a needle in a haystack. But coincidentally, he had a student who had already graduated and took over the reconstruction design work of a nursing home, so that person would go to the nursing home every day. I will chat with the elderly inside and record their needs.”

Speaking of this, his eyes lit up, "He came to school that day, and I happened to be there too, and he thought I looked familiar. At first I didn't care, and he left too, but after a while, he came back and told me that he That's right, I am the grandson of an old man he met not long ago, and he has seen the portrait."

"I couldn't say a word at the time, it was like a dream. Professor White immediately took me to that nursing home. It was in a small town in Chile. I heard that there were not many people in the whole town. If it wasn't for the designer, I would Maybe I will never find my grandma for the rest of my life.”

Su Hui thought of the scene of meeting her grandmother, and shed tears uncontrollably.

"She was sitting on a bench in the nursing home at that time, holding a palm-sized portrait and staring at it motionless."

Ning Yixiao wiped his tears for him, "Why does she have a portrait?"

"It's also amazing to say." Su Hui said with a smile, "Among the group of old people, there is a portrait artist who used to draw portraits of criminals for the police station. Isn't it very dark and humorous? My grandmother made gestures and communicated, and asked him to draw After many, many times, I finally drew the one that most resembles me."

She took that portrait and showed it to everyone who entered the nursing home, hoping they could find Su Hui.

"I'm unlucky most of the time, but I seem to be lucky at critical moments." Su Hui leaned on Ning Yixiao's shoulder, "I found you too, it's all a coincidence, just like it was destined."

"En." Ning Yixiao felt emotional in his heart, but he couldn't help but feel suspicious.

Su Hui was forcibly sent to a mental hospital abroad. What happened to his grandmother seems to be the same, and it should be Xu Zhi's handwriting.

"Have you looked for Xu Zhi?"

Su Hui was originally playing with Ning Yixiao's fingers, but when he heard the name, his movements stopped.

He shook his head, the name was like a haunting nightmare to him.

"When I took my grandma out, she told me that Xu Zhi should have done all of this, so Professor White gave the nursing home a sum of money to pretend that grandma hadn't left, and announced her death after half a year."

Of course Ning Yixiao understood his intention of doing this, whether it was in the nursing home or that Danni in the mental hospital, they should all have accepted Xu Zhi's instruction.He placed them all so far away, just using distance to create obstacles so that they couldn't go back even if they wanted to.

But this actually made it difficult for him to monitor himself.

"After my grandma came out, she found an old acquaintance she knew and trusted most, but the other party didn't help, and even said that he suggested that we don't find other people. He can pretend that he didn't receive the call. , others may not be sure.”

"Everyone knows who the Ji family really took power in the future, and the so-called friends will become enemies."

Su Hui sighed, "At that time, I thought, it would be great to find my grandmother. Even if I depend on each other like this in the future, I feel very satisfied and don't want to get into trouble. So with the help of Professor White, we settled in New York temporarily. , After a year and a half of hard work, I met you later."

"Am I very cowardly?" Su Hui looked at Ning Yixiao, "In the TV series, the dead young master returned to the country and took revenge on everyone."

Ning Yixiao shook his head, "It's not the same, Xu Zhi has exhausted his schemes and schemes, you are old and young, you have nothing left, and all your friends in the past have turned their backs because of interests, what is there to fight? With a hat of a mental patient, you can be held down so hard that you cannot turn over. Your choice is very wise."

Having said that, Su Hui still felt that she was incompetent.

If he wasn't mentally ill, there might be room for maneuver.Although he doesn't care about the Ji family's money and power, but if it falls into the hands of others in this way, this person may also harm his mother and grandmother, how could Su Hui not hate it.

"Don't think about it." Ning Yixiao sensed Su Hui's depressed mood, and comforted him in time, stroking his shoulder, "He has done all kinds of bad things, and he will be punished."

Su Hui nodded, the topic was very jumpy, "I have actually been to S University."

"Really?" Ning Yixiao was a little surprised.

"Well, two years ago." Su Hui smiled, "Although I knew that you should have graduated and not be in school at that time, I still went. I was stuck in Canada before, and I went there by myself in the second week after arriving in the United States. gone."

Ning Yixiao has indeed graduated, and his company was on the right track two years ago.

"Did you go in?"

Su Hui shook her head, "No, I don't know why, I felt that I might feel even more sad after going in, knowing that you would not be there. After a long hesitation, I still didn't go in. It was just by the roadside at the school gate, and I sat all afternoon. "

"What are you doing sitting there?"

"Look." Su Hui said, "Look at those students coming in and out, carrying bags and wearing earphones. I really hope that there will be you there, but no, I also know that you will not appear, just want to see. "

"Later, I found that almost every student was very happy and fulfilled, so I figured it out later, because I knew that if you go to school here and realize your dream, you will be very happy. Can you see it with your own eyes? It's not that important to you."

Ning Yixiao suddenly felt sad.

At that time, Su Hui must have been like a little stray cat that no one wanted, looking at everyone who came and went at the school gate, looking forward to it, and finally left disappointed.

"I took the bus back at night, and had a long dream on the way. I dreamed of you, and I was very satisfied."

"What did you dream about?" Ning Yixiao asked.

Su Hui smiled, "I just dreamed that you were programming in the library. You said that you created a language and taught me how to use it, but I am so stupid that I can't learn it. You just said that you don't want to learn it. I use this language. Make a small program for you to use, I said what to use it for, and talk to me when you say you are bored."

Ning Yixiao suddenly froze.

The dream he talked about seems to be connected with reality.

"A very strange dream." Su Hui said.

He came back to his senses, woke up from this prophetic dream, and smiled too.

For a second, Ning Yixiao wanted to tell Su Hui something, but he chose not to say so as to surprise him.

Su Hui looked at the sea, his voice was pulled away by the sea breeze, "Ning Yixiao, do you know that there is a word called the Dream of the Banana Deer?"

Ning Yixiao shook his head, "What do you mean?"

"It's an allusion, and Su Shi also used it-mengjue is really like a deer covering a banana, and Xiangjun is not alone." Su Hui explained, "The dream of the banana deer means to mistake reality for a dream, and divide it into a dream. I don't know if it's a dream or I'm awake. I've been like this for a long time, especially after meeting you again, it seems to be more serious."

"why?"

Ning Yixiao took off her coat and put it on Su Hui's shoulders.

"Because I often had hallucinations before, most of which were hallucinations about you, and I took them as real, even if sometimes I could tell the difference, I knew it was fake, and I still would. But after meeting you, I I can't believe that you are still willing to talk to me, help me, and even have some intimate actions, so I will treat you as an illusion, because I think that only in the illusion, you will not hate me."

Ning Yixiao held his hand, "Because there was no reply to those letters."

Su Hui was silent for a while, "I don't know."

For him, there are more than these reasons, Ning Yixiao can have many possibilities to fall in love with others and loathe himself.

He smiled, "The dream of the banana deer, isn't it very appropriate?"

"Ah."

The tide gradually rose.

After a moment of silence, Ning Yixiao said, "I read a paper before and shared it with Jingming, but he didn't agree with it, and felt that it was meaningless to leave aside such topics as biological research."

"What subject?"

"About touch." Ning Yixiao explained, "Strictly speaking, it is a study of physics. For a while, I always felt that life was meaningless, so after reading some books and papers on physics, some scholars proposed A concept: If it is based on strict physical definitions, rather than biology, there is no touch in this world."

Su Hui was stunned, "What do you mean?" He grabbed Ning Yixiao's hand, "It doesn't count as touching?"

"Yeah." Ning Yixiao drew two simple atoms on the beach with his fingers and marked them with nuclei, "For example, this is a small atom on your finger, and this is mine. These two atoms seem to touch each other. come together, but not in fact. The electron cloud is wrapped around the nucleus. In fact, this contact is the Coulomb repulsion between the same poles of the electron cloud and the van der Waals force interaction between the positive and negative poles. In fact, they have not really touched together. , or even overlap, otherwise there will be a reaction.”

"What reaction?" Su Hui blinked.

"If my nucleus overlaps with yours, nuclear fusion might be triggered. Of course, we all know that this is impossible. Holding hands and kissing will not trigger nuclear fusion. In quantum mechanics, there is a very basic law, It is called the Pauli Exclusion Principle, which clearly defines that no two electrons have the same quantum state, and there is no possibility of overlapping positions. Therefore, in these strict definitions, people and people, people and everything in the world are the same Untouchable, like a suspended dream."

"Even if we do the most intimate things, we don't touch each other, we are suspended." Su Hui murmured.

Ning Yixiao nodded, "Leaving aside biology, under the definition of physics, this can indeed be said."

"It's so amazing." Su Hui couldn't help sighing, "Thinking about it this way, it seems that many regrets are not so regretful, because we were all isolated one by one, but suspended very close to each other For a while, that's all."

Ning Yixiao said softly, "Even the atoms that make up our body are mutually repelling and suspended. Human beings are like a dream."

Su Hui suddenly felt relieved of many things.Losing is not terrible, everyone is a floating dream, wandering without support, since you have never owned it, how can you talk about losing it?

Even the six years that he cared about the most, it seemed that it only made the floating distance between them a little bit farther, that's all.

Su Hui also felt lucky.

In the whole world, Ning Yixiao should be the only one who can chat with him like this, tolerate his wild ideas, and understand him like this despite being the complete opposite of himself.

Thinking of this, Su Hui turned her head, slipped into Ning Yixiao's arms, and hugged him tightly.Under the moonlight, their shadows overlapped, like a real touch.

"What's wrong?" Ning Yixiao's voice was low and soft.

"It's nothing." Su Hui shook his head in his arms, "Ning Yixiao, are all the atoms in your body rejecting me now?"

Ning Yixiao smiled, thought he was cute, rubbed his hair, "Well, you are too."

Su Hui immediately said: "Then we have to use a little more force when hugging in the future. Although we can't touch it, we should be very close, okay?"

"it is good."

"I have to hug many times a day."

"it is good."

Even if life is just a dream, we must dream the closest to each other.

The author has something to say:

①: From the autobiography "The Life of Saint Teresa of Jesus"

②: From Su Shi's "Ciyun Liu Gongfu and Han Kanggong Reminisces Two Poems of Chiguo"

Not to the level of knowledge or popular science, it’s just chatting between young couples, talking about topics they can talk about, and it’s not a “science talk”. It’s obvious that Ning Yixiao is not talking about romance, he is actually sharing himself The experience of fighting against nothingness and regret, because Xiaohui proposed the dream of the banana deer, he thought of what he had seen before. I hope everyone will feel the soul fit of the young couple after seeing it. Don’t pay too much attention to it. When it comes to the characters or the people behind the writing, they are actually very simple. This is Ning Yixiao and Su Hui's life insights, not the author's. Please focus on the characters~