Manhattanhenge

The weather in December was terrible, but Su Hui felt very warm in his heart, because he had a very small goal, to make a birthday present for Ning Yixiao.

Everything he did in the past was based on his own feelings about the world, and this is the first time he has dedicated himself to another person.

On the train back to the capital, he shuttled through similar carriages one after another, and every time he stepped into a new door, it was as if everything was cleared, returning to the beginning, in this endless time loop, He is always with Ning Yixiao and will never be separated.

He spent more than ten minutes drawing sketches on paper towels. After returning to the capital, he got off work every day and took some time to collect and transport materials, put them all in his secret base, design, assemble, and wanted to send them off on December 12. Give Ning a night.

For the first time, Su Hui felt that there was not enough time, as if a small countdown chip had been implanted in his heart suddenly, and he could clearly feel the passage of time, just like an hourglass.

It was only later that he realized that what he couldn't control was far more than the passage of time.

Before, my grandmother saved 5 yuan in his card, because she knew that he was in a manic period and couldn't restrain his desire to spend, and couldn't bear to see him running around for money, so she stuffed a large amount of pocket money.

But Su Hui gave it to the debt collectors in one go.

He didn't tell Ning Yixiao, and pretended it didn't happen, but the debt collectors found him, called him once or twice, and even came to the downstairs of his cram school, in front of a group of children. Foul language on the child's face.

The first time Su Hui was reasonable, but the second time she felt scared and called the police directly, but the other party did not cause any real damage, at most it was just an adjustment.

But since he called the police, he has become more and more serious about convenience, appearing every day, like a ghost that cannot be shaken off.

One day, Ning Yixiao got off work early and bought Su Hui's favorite ice cream to pick him up, but bumped into the group of people who were squatting downstairs in the cram school. Step forward to take him away.

"What? Do you feel sorry for the young master?"

"Why don't you pretend to be serious, you've obviously met a rich friend, and you can pay back the 5 yuan, and let the young master help you pay back the remaining 20 yuan!"

Hearing their banter and ridicule, Ning Yixiao frowned and looked at Su Hui in disbelief.

Su Hui couldn't argue, "I'll explain to you when I get back, okay? Let's go home first."

One of the biggest ones blocked the way, with a provocative look on his face, "Are you sent back?"

Ning Yixiao looked very cold, "Get out of the way."

"What if I don't let it?"

Several people suddenly wrestled together and fought hard. Su Hui went up to fight several times but failed, and was accidentally injured. It was not until someone called the police from the side of the road that they were taken to the police station again.

It was already night after the police station finished taking notes, Su Hui followed Ning Yixiao, seeing that he was silent, he didn't dare to speak easily.

It wasn't until they came to a very bustling road, and in front of them was the most prosperous business district in the capital, with sky-high expensive houses, that Ning Yixiao woke up like a dream, and suddenly spoke.

"I don't need you to do this, what is this?"

His voice was low, hoarse, suppressing his emotions, "I don't want your money."

"I know, I know." Su Hui stepped forward and carefully held his hand, "Ning Yixiao, I just don't want them to go to you, I thought I would put this money first, and they would stop for a while, won't bother you..."

Ning Yixiao's face was covered with bruises, the corners of his mouth were blue-purple, and his face was expressionless.He looked at Su Hui with a hint of helplessness in his eyes.

"Su Hui, I don't want you to pity me."

Su Hui's eyes were red, "I didn't pity you, I wanted to help you, and I didn't want to be a burden."

He has never worried about money since he was a child. It was only when he left home that he realized that it was so difficult to earn money. It turned out that he had to hide his illness in order to get a part-time job teaching children to paint. It turned out that these medicines are so expensive. Consultation for an hour The cost is so high.

Every time Su Hui knew more, he would panic about the future more. He was very afraid that Ning Yixiao would feel tired getting along with him.

Ning Yixiao still came over and hugged Su Hui tightly.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't lose my temper, you're not wrong, it's all my fault."

Su Hui leaned in his arms and shook her head, feeling physically stressed for a long time, as if thousands of cold needles were piercing her face, not letting go of every single one.

"I really don't feel sorry for you."

"I know, you won't." Ning Yixiao took his hand, "I'm sorry."

Su Hui didn't want to hear his apology, so he took Ning Yixiao home together on the bus. The bus was very crowded, and he tried to grab Ning Yixiao's hand several times, but was separated by the crowd, and he couldn't do it anyway. arrive.

He had no choice but to recite something silently in the crowded bus to relieve his pain and excess energy, but he found that he subconsciously recited the Diamond Sutra that his grandfather forced him to recite. These things he resisted were still inadvertently etched into his brain.

After returning home, Su Hui carefully treated Ning Yixiao's wound, then lay down next to him, gently stroked his back, and let him hug her.

Ning Yixiao said a lot of what was in his heart, and also confessed to him a lot of the past that he didn't mention.

"In order to find my father, my mother ran to his hometown to take care of my grandmother who was already ill at that time, but she died of illness within a few years."

"In the end, it was just me and my mother. The children in the village called me a wild species, stuffed rotten fish and shrimp in my mouth, and beat me, so I just wanted to leave there since I was a child. My mother wanted to make ends meet. , did a lot of work for me to study, so I studied hard and got admitted to the middle school in the town."

"But studying requires a registered permanent residence. She can only marry someone she doesn't love. As a result, her life is not good. That person later became addicted to gambling and beat her every day. I wanted to help her very much, so he would come and beat me. My mother beat me In my arms, she was the one who was beaten in the end. I thought, if I grow up soon, I can let her live a good life."

"You know what happened later, they ran away together. I was admitted to the best high school in the county, thinking that I would not be bullied at last, but I didn't expect those debt collectors to appear, they couldn't find my stepfather and my mother , so I came to school to harass me every day. I didn’t even dare to make friends at that time, and I couldn’t make friends. As long as someone gets close to me, they will be targeted by them.”

Ning Yixiao said with a chuckle, "Actually, I don't want to make friends either. For people like me, the rule of making friends is that I will be close to whoever is beneficial to me. This may be retribution."

Su Hui didn't like him talking about herself like that, so she hugged him tightly, "You're not."

Ning Yixiao didn't answer his words. He knew exactly what kind of person he was. Only in front of Su Hui would his utilitarianism and egoism fail. This is a special case and has no reference value.

"Before the college entrance examination, those people suddenly appeared and beat me up in the back alley of the school. Fortunately, my class teacher showed up and gave them 2000 yuan to allow me to take the college entrance examination. It hurts so much, my thumb is injured, and I struggle to write, but fortunately, I can perform well, ranking fourth in the province. It seems that God thinks I am quite pitiful and helped me."

"I thought that as long as I was admitted to university and came to the capital, I would be able to live a more relaxed life, but it didn't happen at all."

Hearing Ning Yixiao say this in the most flat tone, Su Hui's heart was broken.

He hugged Ning Yixiao tightly, weeping quietly in his arms.

"Su Hui, I'm so tired." Ning Yixiao's voice finally choked with sobs, "I seem to be... participating in a swimming competition that never ends. I can't stop for a moment. If I stop, I will be swallowed up." , bloody."

"No." Su Hui patted him on the back lightly, "It will be different soon, and it will be the end soon."

Ning Yixiao leaned in his arms, her voice was low but firm, as if every word was soaked in the hardships he had suffered in the past 21 years.

"I have to get out of here, I can't be stuck in this life for the rest of my life."

Su Hui fought against the mania in his heart, and comforted him with the most gentle voice.

"Yes, you are very powerful, and you will succeed in whatever you want to do."

He whispered to Ning Yixiao about their future, and described it as beautifully as a dream——Ning Yixiao will receive funding to go abroad at public expense, he will go to S University, which he wants to go most, and he will also go to California If they study art, they will have their own little home, a house with a small garden, and a cute puppy.

That night Su Hui did indeed have a dream, but the dream was weird, interspersed with the past, present and future.

He dreamed of his dead father taking care of the puppy for him in the garden, and dreamed of Ning Yixiao's appearance as a child, huddled in a corner, like a little stray dog, being held in his arms.

In the second half, he dreamed that they had grown a lot older and were walking by the seaside together.The sea breeze made his bones ache, and he told Ning Yixiao that he would also be thrown into the sea after his death.

Chaotic and magical dreams.

After Su Hui woke up, she suddenly thought of the movie "Roadside Picnic" they had watched together. It was also a dream that disordered time and space.

During his work breaks, he silently wrote down the narration of poems that appeared in the movie——

[Block language without razor

Lived for nine years without a heart]①

At that time, Su Hui didn't think it was a prophecy.

The next day, Ning Yixiao still went to pick up Su Hui from get off work. On the way, he said that he hoped to quit his job in the cram school, but Su Hui was not willing.

"I don't want you to support me. I can work and earn money."

"They will harass you anytime and anywhere. I'm afraid you won't be able to accept it suddenly. What if something goes wrong? You're different from others..."

Su Hui didn't understand, she stared at Ning Yixiao blankly, "How am I different?"

Ning Yixiao was also stunned, as if she just realized what she said, and quickly apologized.

"That was not what I meant."

Su Hui shook his head. He doesn't like quarreling, especially on the way home, so he said childishly, "Then you withdraw, and I'll pretend you didn't hear anything."

Ning Yixiao immediately followed suit, "Sorry, I withdraw."

"Yeah." Su Hui smiled, tiptoed and kissed his face.

Even so, Su Hui still listened to him and resigned from the cram school. He didn't want Ning Yixiao to worry about himself when he went to work.

The people in the remedial class paid him last month's salary, more than 1000 yuan. Su Hui bought some delicious food with the money, and wanted to go home and cook for Ning Yixiao.

It was normal at the beginning. He was in that small kitchen, learning how to cook carefully from the recipes on his mobile phone, but he was too unskilled to do anything well. The eggs were scrambled and the rice was cooked too raw. It took two Hours, but the things made are not decent.

But after Ning Yixiao came back, he ate very happily, every time he ate a dish, he would praise him for his progress, it was delicious, just like coaxing a child.

When watching him eat, Su Hui thought that she must work hard to learn how to cook. If they really got married and lived together in the future, they couldn't let Ning Yixiao eat such unpalatable food every day.

The next day, he took Ning Yixiao to the hospital where he had received psychological counseling according to the appointment, while he himself waited outside as before.

He couldn't sit still, so he had to walk around the waiting hall. He didn't know how many times he went around. Su Hui saw the girl who was the couple he always met when he was seeing a doctor. He remembered her name was lily.

Lily's condition is not very good, she seems to have cried, her eyelids are red and swollen, and she is very haggard.Su Hui walked over with concern and sat beside her.

"Lily, what's wrong?"

Lily's reaction was a bit slow, and it took several seconds before she turned her face and looked at Su Hui.

Through her, Su Hui seemed to see Yu Qi's self.

She refused to speak and shed tears. Su Hui immediately took out the tissue she carried with her and handed it to her, "Don't cry, don't be sad."

Saying this sentence, Su Hui felt ridiculous, obviously he knew best, he couldn't control it at this time, but he asked her not to be sad.

"Where's Xiaojie? Didn't he come with you?"

Lily couldn't stop crying when she heard this name.

"Xiaojie...we broke up."

Under her crying, Su Hui learned that their getting along was not as easy as it seemed on the surface. Lily's illness was more manic, and she would often be hysterical towards Xiaojie. They all felt that they could overcome it, but then Xiaojie gradually fell into an emotional vortex, and was affected by her to the extent that he needed to see a doctor.

"I don't want to hurt him, but I can't help it..." Lili burst into tears, covering her face and crying bitterly, "He has returned to his hometown, and his mother said that he will find a healthy girl for him to marry..."

Su Hui's heart ached.

He didn't have any reason to think about the appearance of this couple when he first saw them in autumn. They were so sweet at that time, and Lily told him excitedly that they would get married while traveling, travel around and take many photos.

Everything changed so fast that it was like flipping through an old book, Su Hui was caught off guard and was choked by the dust to tears.

When she saw Ning Yixiao come out and come to Su Hui, she wiped away her tears and said with a smile, "I really envy you."

Su Hui suddenly became very scared.

He was different from everyone else, but like Lily, they were sick people who couldn't help themselves from hurting others.

Seeing him in a daze, Ning Yixiao grabbed his arm and asked softly, "What's wrong?"

Su Hui came back to his senses and shook his head, "I'm fine."

He didn't tell Ning Yixiao about Lili and Xiaojie. This broken relationship was like a lottery he had drawn. It was a bad omen, and it was better to hide it.

What Su Hui didn't expect was that the bad luck didn't stop because of his concealment, on the contrary, it came earlier.

When he was taking a professional class, his mother suddenly called a lot and sent a bunch of text messages, telling him to go home immediately.

Subconsciously, Su Hui thought it was bad news and wanted to escape, but the next text message made him unable to retreat.

[Mom: Su Hui, your grandfather knew about you and Ning Yixiao, he fainted from anger, and is now in the hospital for emergency treatment, if you still have a little filial piety to be a descendant, come to the hospital immediately. ]

This completely broke Su Hui's plan.

It's not that he hasn't thought about how to confess this relationship to his family, but his ideal plan is to go to the United States with Ning Yixiao first, and after a long time, when the family's expectations of him are not so high, he will come and slow down with them. Talk slowly.

But now things took a turn for the worse, Su Hui was sitting in a taxi without a clue.

When he arrived at the hospital, he remembered that Ning Yixiao was still waiting for him to finish class and eat with him, so he quickly sent him a message, telling him that his grandfather was seriously ill and that he was coming to the hospital to see him now.

Su Hui didn't dare to reveal the matter to him, because he was afraid that Ning Yixiao would be affected in any way because of him.

[Ning Yixiao: Don't worry, if you can't come back today, let me know.Take care of yourself and remember to drink water. ]

After receiving this message, Su Hui entered the hospital with peace of mind. After getting out of the elevator on the designated floor, he saw the nanny at home.

"Is grandpa awake?"

"Just woke up."

She came up to meet her, brought Su Hui over, and instructed, "Miss said, tell young master to be careful with what you say."

Su Hui didn't know how "careful" he had to be, and he didn't even know what he could say.

Before entering the single ward, he took a deep breath, raised his hand, and knocked on the door three times.

The dull sound of high-heeled shoes came from the room, the door opened, Su Hui saw Ji Yanan's face, he realized for the first time that his mother was really old, gaunt even the bright makeup couldn't hide it.

She frowned, sighed, and opened the door to let Su Hui in, but didn't say a word.

The mother's silence actually aggravated the guilt in Su Hui's heart, making him carry heavy shackles and walk into this silent ward like a sinner.

At the beginning, everyone suppressed their temper. When Su Hui confessed himself, but when Su Hui said "I really love him", Ji Tailu directly grabbed the teacup in his hand and smashed it hard at Su Hui's feet. the ground—

The porcelain cup shattered into pieces in an instant, and the shards splashed onto the back of Su Hui's hand, leaving bloodstains.

"Love? Do you know what love is?! It's just a child's play, do you take it seriously?" Ji Tailu said a few words, then coughed angrily, clutching the railing beside the bed tightly.

Grandma immediately stepped forward to support him, patted him on the back, and persuaded him while crying, "Don't be angry, can't you talk to the child well?"

"Speak well and he will listen!"

Ji Tailu looked at Su Hui, and after a moment of silence, he grabbed the photo on the bedside table and threw it in front of Su Hui.

In the photos, every one is Su Hui and Ning Yixiao hugging, even kissing.

They really thought they were a pair of ants in the vast world, too small to attract anyone's attention.

It wasn't until this moment that Su Hui realized that she had never been free.

Ji Tailu's tone became serious, "Since you were young, you have got what you want, and someone has paved the way for you to do anything, enjoying the best material conditions, and you don't need to worry about everything at all! But you Have you ever thought about it? Su Hui, now I will let you suffer the hardships that others have never experienced, with your mental ability and your fragility, can you survive?"

These words hit Su Hui head and face, like hail, merciless.

"I know, grandpa, but I really can't be separated from him." Su Hui was calmer than he imagined, as if he really wanted to be recognized by grandpa, no matter what he did.

He walked over, knelt down to Ji Tai's bedside subconsciously, grabbed his hand, and said in an almost pleading tone, "Grandpa, I will treat the illness well and listen to you in everything. I will write you a letter of guarantee. Be sure to be a grandson who won't make you lose face, everything is fine, but I really can't leave him."

"Look at what you look like now! Kneeling for a man, Su Hui, how could I teach you such virtue? Look at yourself, how disgusting!"

Ji Tailu was so angry that he coughed and fell back on the pillow, his voice became weak, "...and you said you won't embarrass me. You're mentally ill, and now you're gay. Which one won't embarrass me?"

Su Hui suddenly woke up.

They actually didn't care whether Ning Yixiao was good enough, even if they listed all his advantages, they still couldn't impress Grandpa, because their own existence was wrong.

The choice is never yours.

But he still said Ning Yixiao's goodness almost paranoidly, "You don't know him, he is really good, better than all the good kids in this circle, he is very smart and motivated, I have seen him ..."

"Enough!" Ji Tailu stopped him.

"You're crazy, you haven't taken medicine for a long time, take him back to me." He put on a posture of refusing to communicate, and said to Xu Zhi who was standing by, "Take him to Doctor Zhang tomorrow." , let him take a good look."

Xu Zhi stepped forward and grabbed Su Hui's arm, but he pushed him away.

Su Hui could only resist, "I won't go, I won't go back."

Ji Tailu's eyes sank, and a sternness appeared on this old face.

"Su Hui, I'll give you one last chance. You have to think about it for a week. Otherwise, I will always find a way to keep you from going far."

Su Hui was almost dragged away.

Before leaving, Ji Tailu said the last sentence, his tone was not serious, but it stabbed straight into Su Hui's heart like a knife.

"Do you think that a mental patient like you can live a few days of hard life with a poor boy with no background and no future? You can live, and he can live too?"

Su Hui was brought back to the house that bored him, his mobile phone was confiscated, and he spent the whole night with his eyes open. It was day and night, and there was no water for two whole days. Change, do not touch.

At first Ji Yanan couldn't take it anymore, so she came to persuade him and said a lot of good things for him, but Su Hui couldn't listen to a word.

He became a machine, completely unresponsive, and the only time he worked was late at night, when he would come to the desk and take out the letter paper to write in his diary as usual.

The more seriously ill he was, the more he liked to write, but the content of the letters was always very sick, even like another person, a clone in Su Hui's phantom.

These were all locked in a cabinet by him.

On the third day, the weather was bad and gray. Su Hui couldn't help but think of the day when he accompanied Ning to pick up the ashes overnight, and thought of the desolate sea.

Half of December has passed, and he really wanted to escape, and the birthday present he wanted to give to Ning Yixiao hadn't been finished yet.

Su Hui discovered that there is also a difference between pain and pain. The past self was controlled by pathology, thinking that life was meaningless, and wanted to disappear and leave.But it's different now, he really wants to stay, wants to be with Ning Yixiao, it's obviously a small wish, but it can't be done.

No matter how many times I recite the Buddhist scriptures, there is no power to return to heaven.

At noon, the door of his room was opened again, Su Hui lay on the floor, thinking it was a servant delivering food, so he didn't respond, but when he saw Ji Yanan's shoes, he reflexively said: "I don't want to break up. "

Ji Yanan sighed, with tears in his eyes.She turned her face to wipe her tears, paused, and then told him, "Your uncle is gone, and he himself..."

She couldn't continue, she paused for a moment, restrained her emotions, "I didn't save him."

Su Hui's reaction was very slow, and his uncle's smiling face immediately appeared in his mind. He led him to see the art exhibition, and took him to wander in the art gallery.

Five minutes later, he sat up and looked directly at Ji Yanan, "You lied to me."

Ji Yanan seemed helpless, shedding tears, "Come with me to the funeral at eight o'clock tomorrow morning, and I'll ask Aunt Zhang to prepare the clothes for you."

After she finished speaking, she turned and left, her footsteps froze before closing the door, and she added a sentence.

"Eat something, otherwise you won't have the strength to say goodbye to your uncle."

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①: The quote is from the poem written by director Bi Gan in the movie "Roadside Picnic", only two lines of it are excerpted