Yamakawa

"Xie Qiujie, you've got your grades, and you're still No.3 in the whole school."

When the study committee handed the paper to him, he said casually, hesitated for a while, "Your physics score is so high, I made a few mistakes, can I ask you later?"

Everyone in the school knows that Xie Qiujie is deaf, wears a hearing aid, and is very cold, with cold expressions and cold words, and always walks alone.

But he was good-looking and had good grades.

"Yes." Xie Qiujie took the paper and said thank you.

The girls were a little flattered.

After the evening self-study, Xie Qiujie gave a few questions to the study committee member. The whole teaching building was already dark. The study committee member packed up the papers and smiled: "Thank you, I feel that my thinking is much clearer after you talk about it."

"It's nothing."

Xie Qiujie finished packing and left.

The girl was a day student, she trotted to him with her schoolbag on her back, looked up at him, pretended to be casual and whispered: "Xie Qiujie, do you have someone you like?"

"No."

"Then what kind of girl do you like?"

Xie Qiujie pretended not to hear.

The corner of his clothes was pulled slightly, he looked down and saw the girl blushing, her voice was vague and shy, "I... like you a little bit, so, so just ask, I can study hard , I will go to the same university as you in the future."

"I, can we try it?"

Xie Qiujie looked at the streetlights on the playground, the wind was blowing past his ears, the leaves made a slight rustling sound, the flower branches bent over, the grass was swaying non-stop, and the hem of his clothes was blown up.

He loves to hear the sound of the wind blowing through everything.

It's as if everything is fine.

Scattered students were walking towards the school gate with their schoolbags on their backs. He looked away and looked at the girl, "It's late, go home early."

The girl's face was obviously sad, she did not give up and said: "Can't... can you give it a try, there is no chance at all?"

Xie Qiujie took off the hearing aid and spread it out in the palm of his hand for the girl to see.

The girl waved her hand and said, "I don't mind, I..."

Xie Qiujie still had the same expressionless face, put the hearing aid in the pocket of the school uniform, and said in a cold voice, "I don't want to fall in love."

This refusal was already obvious.

"Okay, I see." The girl endured the pain and ran away.

Xie Qiujie walked slowly towards the dormitory building. There was a small forest near the boys' dormitory. Xie Qiujie walked along the path and saw several boys punching and kicking a thin boy under the shadowy light of the forest.

He went to look at the lips, and a boy said with a grim face: "You pervert, you're gay! Did you peek at me while I was taking a shower? Didn't you! It's so disgusting!"

"I'm going to kill you, why are you living in the boys' dormitory!!"

The boy who was beaten seemed to be justifying, but the result was that he was beaten harder.

Xie Qiujie didn't want to be nosy and planned to take a detour, but when he saw the group of boys taking off his pants, they were full of ridicule and teasing.

So he put on a hearing aid.

"It's so disgusting, I told you to peek at me! Damn it, you still watch!"

"Hahahaha, take off his pants to see if there are any differences."

"Don't move, don't fucking move."

"Catch me here! I want to see if you fucking have that thing. How can you like men? It's disgusting, you motherfucker!"

"I didn't look... I didn't peek at you," the boy grabbed his trousers desperately, "Don't...don't!"

"Tear him to pieces! Let's see if he dares!"

"Anyway, it's useless for homosexuals to want this thing, hahahaha take off his pants!"

It's so easy to say all kinds of unpleasant words, the world is so dirty, Xie Qiujie kicked the tree next to him abruptly.

The leaves swayed and rustled, and there was too much movement. When the group of boys looked over, they only saw a tall and thin figure.

"Who! Who the hell is standing there? Get over here!"

"It's not the dean, is it?!"

"You are blind, the dean is so thin? Who the hell, get out!"

Xie Qiujie walked over, looked at them calmly, and looked at them coldly. The boy on the ground curled up into a ball, struggling to lift up his half-taken pants.

"Who the hell are you?! Don't mind your own business!"

"Brother Wei, this seems to be that... that Xie Qiu Festival."

The boy's eyes fell on the hearing aid on his ear, and he said in a disdainful tone: "Hey, isn't this a well-known disability in our school? I advise you, a deaf person, not to meddle in your own business! Roll as far as you can! Otherwise, I'll clean it up with you!"

Xie Qiujie put away the hearing aid, rubbed his wrist lightly, and said calmly, "It's preventing me from going back to the dormitory."

A boy pulled their so-called Brother Wei and whispered, "Brother Wei, don't do it, don't do anything with him, we will be punished."

"Brother Wei, let's go first, let's let this pervert go today, Xie Qiujie and Brother Trumpet didn't lose in the group fight back then, don't mess with him."

In the freshman year of high school, a few people were curious about playing with Xie Qiujie's hearing aids and called him deaf. Later, Xie Qiujie directly fought with those people and asked the trumpet brother to recite a punishment.

And he was only taught verbally, nothing happened.

Afterwards, no one dared to tease Xie Qiujie again, pointing at him as disabled.

It is really not a good way to control violence with violence, but it is very effective. Xie Qiujie was bullied since he was a child, and he has learned to fight back and fight through the struggle. Xie Qiu also taught him some skills.

As long as he wants to make a move, he will not let himself lose.

Brother Wei kicked the boy on the ground hard, and said, "Damn it, you're lucky today, bitch!"

The boy clutched his belly and struggled to get up from the ground, revealing a bruised nose and swollen face with wet tears, and whispered, "Thank you."

Xie Qiujie didn't look at him, just walked over, "No, I didn't help you."

The campus life of Xie Qiu Festival is three points and one line, classrooms, cafeterias and dormitories.

But after that day, that boy always seemed to move towards him, and Xie Qiujie would always see him behind him.

On the way to the cafeteria for dinner.

Xie Qiujie paused, blocked the person, and said with a cold face, "Don't follow me."

I'm so annoying.

The boy was startled as if he was frightened, the bruise on his face had almost disappeared, he rubbed the corner of his school uniform uneasily and lowered his head, not daring to look at him, "I, I won't disturb you, I've followed you far away, I'm afraid When they hit me, they just... just secretly, okay, okay."

Xie Qiujie was so annoyed, he felt that he shouldn't be nosy that night, out of sight and out of mind, he didn't say anything, turned around and continued walking to the cafeteria.

The boy followed him hesitantly. After following him for a while, Xie Qiujie didn't say anything, so he knew he was too lazy to care.

Maybe Xie Qiujie indulged him.

Later, the boy dared to approach Xie Qiujie slowly, and sat down next to Xie Qiujie with a plate to eat, "Well, do you want chicken legs? I just beat them and haven't touched them yet."

"No."

The boy said: "You only eat this little every day, won't you be hungry?"

"Well, I'm in the liberal arts class, and my name is Wu Yu."

"Can I have dinner with you every day in the future?"

"You are amazing, you are so good-looking, you have good grades, and you can fight..."

Xie Qiujie couldn't bear it anymore, and said coldly: "Shut up. Don't talk to me."

"Oh……"

Wu Yu, like that easily startled little animal, trembled a little when he heard the sound, then lowered his head to pick up the rice.

For a while, there would always be some small snacks on Xie Qiujie's desk. Xie Qiujie put away those snacks and threw them to Wu Yu when he was eating.

"Don't put anything on my desk."

Wu Yu took the snacks that had been saved for several days, and asked in a low voice, "Don't you like it? I'll buy what you like."

Xie Qiujie didn't wear a hearing aid, so he didn't want to listen to him, so he was only serious about cooking.

Later, maybe the two got too close, Xie Qiujie, who was walking alone, had a follower to accompany him to eat every day, and then everyone found that this follower still liked men.

The boy in the class said to Xie Qiujie: "Xie Qiujie, do you have a good relationship with that one in the liberal arts class?"

Xie Qiujie stopped writing and looked up at them, "Who?"

"It's just the one in the liberal arts class, the one who talks pussy, what's it called?"

"Wu Yu, yes, he is the only one, he is gay, don't you know?"

"I heard that this is a disease that can be contagious. You'd better not get too close to him, and if he likes you, you will suffer."

Xie Qiujie paused and asked, "Gay, what do you mean?"

"No, it's spread all over the school, and you don't even know it! Don't just read your books, talk to people occasionally, why are you so indifferent."

Xie Qiujie looked at him expressionlessly.

The male classmate said: "Just...men like men, what does that mean? I really don't know how there are such people. Girls are soft and beautiful. Why don't you like them? You have to like people of the same gender as you."

Another male classmate laughed: "Hey, what do you think the two men did? Isn't it disgusting when they take off their pants and see each other's stuff?"

This world is really dirty. I always speculate on others with my own malice and treat everyone with prejudice. Many times, Xie Qiujie would rather take off his hearing aids than listen to those malicious words.

Either to him or to someone else.

He looked at the boys in the class and smiled coldly, "What's wrong with liking men?"

Xie Qiujie never cared about what other people thought of him, anyway, that's how he came here since he was a child.

Wu Yu still followed him every day, and Xie Qiujie didn't chase him away. One day, Xie Qiujie saw a wound on his face.

He asked, "Did they hit you?"

Wu Yu stretched out his hand to cover the wound on his face, his eyes dodged, "No, no, I accidentally bumped into it."

Since he didn't want to talk about it, Xie Qiujie didn't bother to ask.

Wu Yu carefully took out a book from his arms and handed it to him. The cover is a bit retro and thick, like a history book.

Wu Yu said, "This is for you."

"Take it back."

His tone was a little anxious, and he stuffed it into Xie Qiujie's hand stubbornly, "You take it, please."

Xie Qiujie had a headache. He hated this kind of books full of dry words, and he couldn't read them, so he explained for the first time: "I'm a science student."

"I know." Wu Yu looked at him cautiously, "Today is my birthday, and you have never taken the things I gave you, so just take it this time, is it okay? Just a book, it won't take up much space at home Yes, just take it back and use it as a decoration, okay?"

"Even if I have a birthday wish, please accept it, please."

After hesitating for a long time, Xie Qiujie accepted it and said, "Happy birthday."

Wu Yu laughed, the first time in Xie Qiujie's memory that he smiled so purely, he didn't lower his head to avoid anyone's gaze, he didn't dodge his eyes left and right when he spoke, and he didn't shrink back or shrink back.

After that day, Wu Yu never appeared in front of Xie Qiujie again, and only avoided Xie Qiujie on the few occasions when he met Xie Qiujie.

Xie Qiujie found out later that the rumors in school that he was also gay were self-defeating.

Only that was a long time later.

Until the next semester, Xie Qiujie occasionally met Wu Yu a few times. He seemed to be getting more and more depressed, and his mental state was not quite right.

I remember that it was a summer evening, Xie Qiujie returned to the teaching building after eating in the cafeteria, and just walked into the teaching building.

"boom--"

There was a loud noise behind him, and a person jumped down from the roof, and there seemed to be the sound of blood splattering.

"what!"

"Ahh-!!"

"Dead people are dead—someone jumped off the building!"

He heard countless screams, turned around, and saw a thin boy in a blue school uniform, his face and arms were covered with bruises, and a pool of blood spread under him.

Red, blood red, blood spreading.

Xie Qiujie stood quietly as if petrified, with panic all around, the sound of footsteps, screams, and noisy voices, the loud noise played back in his mind over and over again, with bangs and bangs, mixed with soft voices male voice.

"Thank you."

"I, I won't bother you, I've followed you very far..."

"Well, I'm in the liberal arts class, and my name is Wu Yu."

"Today is my birthday, I gave you those things..."

……

buzzing-

Xie Qiujie suddenly started to hear sharp buzzing sounds in his ears. He subconsciously reached out to touch his ears, and saw the blood red in front of his eyes.

Then he saw the school leaders coming over, as if shouting loudly, all the students were opening and closing their mouths, but there was no sound, a deathly silence.

He seemed to lose his hearing again.

Can't hear it completely.

Xie Qiujie came out of the hospital very calmly.

It's just that he can't hear it. It's not like he hasn't experienced it. At least this time, he can still read lips, right?

The incident of jumping off the building caused a big commotion, the school simply gave all the students a short vacation, and then dealt with it in a desperate manner.

Back home, Xie Qiujie tossed and turned late at night, unable to fall asleep, and then got up from the bed to look for the book Wu Yu had given him.

It has a retro cover and a heavy feel. He doesn't like to read dry text, so he has never read this book.

He patted the surface, shaking the dust that didn't exist on the book, and a letter fell out from between the papers and landed on the ground.

It's a pink letter.

Write to Xie Qiujie:

From the beginning to the end, I have been afraid to tell you these words.

As they say, I'm gay, I like men, everyone says I'm sick, they tease me and bully me, you're the first person I've ever met in this school who gave me kindness.I am very grateful that you saved me that night, and I am also very grateful that I met you. Maybe there is nothing in your eyes, you just passed by there.

It’s just that I was probably really too desperate at that time. When I was kicked and struggling by them, I could only think about it——if only I died, how can there be such a strange person like me in the world.Forget it, you don't like to hear me talk, you don't talk much.But I still want to say that if there are really heroes in the world, in my eyes they are probably like you.

If only I were as powerful as you, I don't care about other people's eyes, and I don't get bullied by others.

You may not know that I like you, and it may make you feel sick to say it, so I dare to tell you in this way (at least I can't see how you hate me).I like how you appeared in front of me as if you fell from the sky that night. I like how you sit on the top floor listening to the wind with your hearing aids on. I like how you always do your homework alone for a while. I like the kindness hidden in every cold word of yours. , I like to follow you to secretly look at the mole next to your eyebrow... There are many, many more, but it should be over.

I promised my mother to go for treatment. If it can be cured, I will be a normal person, and I will never like men again, and I will not be bullied by others.Maybe it can be cured, maybe it can't be cured, but no matter what happens in the future, I hope you are happy.

In my next life, it would be great if I was a girl, will you look at me more, I really want to be liked by you.

——Wu Yu.

There is also a sentence crossed out in black pen below it-you should not open this book, and that's fine.

Later, Xie Qiujie began to suffer from insomnia all night long.

As long as he closes his eyes, he will think of the pool of blood red, the love letter like a suicide note, and the living life disappearing before his eyes.

Thinking of the deaths he had witnessed.

He told the teacher in the counseling room that he had killed someone, broke down and cried that Wu Yu was killed by him, broke down countless times, and cried until his voice became hoarse.

When Xie Qiujie dug out those memories, he didn't know that it had been so long, and it was still painful to think about it.

He nestled in the corner and couldn't help but collapse, making a suppressed sobbing sound, just like the self who collapsed countless times in the psychological room back then.

I'm just a liability, and people who like me commit suicide.

Xia Youqing can't commit suicide, no.

No, he can't like me.

Living is tiring, really tiring.

I killed someone, I killed Wu Yu.

sorry Sorry sorry.

I am sick, I am crippled.

Xie Qiujie, don't even think about it.

Please, stop thinking about it.

Don't think about it, forget it, almost forget it.

I hate this world so much.

I'm tired and I give up.

The memories that he dared not recall played uncontrollably in his mind, he couldn't breathe, tears fell uncontrollably, his breathing became painful, and he used his nails to force himself to calm down on his arm, his arm hurt so badly.

He woke up after the pain, and he told himself that he couldn't die like this, and that there were still people who cared about him.

But he can't help but hate this world, hate those malice, hate everyone's prejudice and discrimination, hate everything he can't do, everything.

Xie Qiujie wants to disappear from this world.

The pain numbs his reason, Xie Qiujie pushes open the window with a numb expression.

The night wind came in, and suddenly remembered the kiss on the rooftop. Xia Youqing said to him with a bright and gentle smile, "Okay, I'll wait for you as long as I want."

He wants Xia Youqing.

What's wrong with liking a man.

Seeing the night, Xie Qiujie closed the window, knocked on Xia Youqing's door regardless, and crashed into his arms with years of suppressed pain.