deep desire

Before going home, they went to the supermarket first, planning to buy some fresh ingredients and cook their own dinner at home in the evening.

Feng Si also picked out a bunch of scented candles, with more than a dozen different scents.

He has been very interested in this recently. He specially bought the one for Lu Jingshen from abroad before. Lu Jingshen only used that one time. He found it by accident a few days ago. Although the effect of sleep aid is not satisfactory, it is not interesting when making love. .

Lu Jing looked deeply at the things thrown into the shopping cart, her eyes moved, and she looked away calmly.

Originally, he wanted to remind Feng Si not to buy too much, but after thinking about it, forget it, if he ordered it every night, it shouldn't take too long.

On the way back, Lu Jingshen bought flowers for Feng Si as usual.

Yesterday he picked it up at the wedding scene, and today he bought a carefully packaged one.

Feng Si accepted it happily. He and Lu Jingshen both enjoyed the process of sending flowers and being given flowers. They could continue this game endlessly.

It was almost six o'clock when we entered the house, Lu Jingshen packed the things he bought, Feng Si put the flowers in the vase, and flipped through the letter thrown on the dining room table.

They were all letters sent to his home in England in the past few months. His mother and sister gave them to him as soon as they arrived here two days ago.

Most of them were irrelevant, and Feng Si didn't even bother to open them until he turned to the last one, his eyes suddenly stopped.

The letter's logo was printed on the envelope, which he recognized as an international rescue organization in East Africa.

When he and Lu Jingshen were wandering in Africa, they passed by one of their bases. It happened that the car ran out of gas and asked them to buy it. They saw a group of skinny children there, and they were moved. He and Lu Jingshen gave that organization together donated a sum of money.

Feng Si recalled it for a while, and remembered that he did leave a contact information for the other party at that time, which was the address of his home in London.

In the second year after returning, that organization sent him a thank-you letter. Unexpectedly, after seven or eight years, there was a new letter.

Feng Si opened the envelope casually, and along with the letter paper fell out, there was also a photo.

He picked up the photo, turned it to the front, and focused his eyes.

On the top of the mountain at dusk, he and Lu Jingshen were standing separately, looking at each other half a meter away, their eyes intertwined, he was smiling, and Lu Jingshen's eyes were peaceful and quiet, and he was the only one in his eyes.

Their figures were elongated by the twilight together.

It was him and Lu Jingshen back then.

Feng Si stared at this picture with rapt attention, and heard the sound of his own heartbeat, throbbing, full and eager, constantly hitting his chest.

"What are you looking at?" Lu Jing was deeply aware of his strange behavior and came over to ask.

Feng Si came back to his senses, raised his eyes and smiled at him, and handed him the photo.Lu Jing's eyes fell deeply, and he was also stunned.

Feng Si took a quick look at the contents of the letter. The photo was a snapshot taken by the staff at the time. Not long ago, they found this photo when they were sorting out the photo album and sent it to him. The letter also asked him to express his thanks to Lu Jingshen, thank you Lu Jingshen For their support and assistance over the years.

Feng Si was a little surprised. Seeing that Lu Jingshen was staring at the photo in his hand all the time, with downcast eyes, he seemed to be frozen. He reached out and tapped him on the shoulder: "Alex, you've returned to your soul."

Lu Jing raised her head deeply, her eyes flickering: "...I didn't expect that there would be this photo."

Feng Si smiled and said, "Yes, it was a surprise."

He had always regretted that he didn't take even a photo with Lu Jingshen back then. If Lu Jingshen, who was in his early 20s, missed it, he missed it completely.

Unexpectedly, with the passage of time, such a surprise from heaven would be delivered to them.

Once his good fortune strikes, it seems to last forever.

Passing the letter paper to Lu Jing for a deep look, Feng Si asked him, "Have you still donated to them all these years?"

Lu Jing nodded deeply: "Every year, a fixed sum of money will be sent to their donation account."

The signature left is also the name of Alex.

Feng Si: "You haven't given them their contact information, have you?"

Lu Jing pursed her lips deeply: "No."

Feng Si guessed this was the case, and he was the only one who left his contact information back then. During those three months, Lu Jingshen was really cautious and didn't leave any clues for him.

He smiled and sighed: "If I knew it earlier, I would ask them. Even if I didn't leave my contact information, they would always know where the money was sent from. I wouldn't have to look for you like a chicken without a head."

Lu Jing was a bit at a loss as to how to answer the question, she was silent for a while, stepped forward to close his open jacket, lowered her head and said in a muffled voice: "Sorry, I won't let you look for it again in the future."

Feng Si leaned on the dining table, put his hands on his back and pulled him closer, turned his head and touched his lips lightly, and said generously: "Forget it."

Afterwards they cook dinner together, simple Western dishes, cooked as they please.

As the night gradually fell and the lights were not turned on at home, Feng Si lit a scented candle he bought back and put it on the dining table.

The fire is long and the light fragrance is intoxicating.

While waiting for the oven to work, he turned on the gramophone that had broken down several times and had to be repaired several times, put on a record, and slowly shook the handle.

The gentle music flows quietly in the quiet space.

Lu Jing opened a bottle of red wine and poured a glass for him and Feng Si.

For Lu Jingqing's wedding this time, he asked someone to airlift a large amount of good wine from a French winery, and specially left a few bottles behind.

Feng Si came over, watched him pour the wine, and smiled slightly.

"Sometimes I think," sitting at the dining table, Feng Si toasted, and lightly touched Lu Jingshen, "What would it be like if we could be together for seven years."

Lu Jing was taken aback, Feng Si brought the wine glass to his lips, the wine soaked his slightly dry lips, and after swallowing slowly, he continued: "There are regrets, even if there are many seven years in the future, but after all It's from 20 to 30 years old, it's a pity."

Lu Jingshen: "...Sorry."

In fact, he is the one who regrets the most, but what he missed cannot be repeated after all.

"Don't say sorry anymore," Feng Si put down his glass and shook his head slightly, "I didn't mean to blame you by saying this."

"I'm just really a little regretful, but thinking about it another way, if we've been together all this time, maybe we've had the seven-year itch now."

After talking about it, Feng Si laughed again, but Lu Jingshen didn't like it, and subconsciously said, "I won't."

Feng Si: "Nothing?"

"The seven-year itch," Lu Jing said firmly, "I won't."

Feng Si's laughter was even more pleasant: "Are you so confident in yourself?"

Lu Jingshen didn't like this topic: "Of course not."

"Well, I probably won't either," laughed Feng Si, retracted his gaze, held the knife and fork, and slowly tasted the delicious food they made together. He only knew the truth himself, "As long as you still want me, I will definitely not get tired of you first."

Lu Jingshen felt an inexplicable pain and soreness in his heart at that moment, and repeated solemnly as if making a promise: "I won't."

Feng Si forked a piece of roast beef and brought it to his mouth: "Open your mouth."

Lu Jing was still immersed in the emotions just now, and forgot to react.

A smile appeared in Feng Si's eyes again: "What are you thinking? Try it, the beef cubes are quite delicious, marinated and delicious."

Lu Jing looked at him deeply, feeling a little relieved, and accepted his feeding.

"Don't think too much."

Feng Si withdrew his hand, continued to deal with the food on the plate, and said calmly: "Just let it be, we all have confidence in ourselves, so there is nothing to worry about."

Lu Jing took a deep sip of the wine in the glass and gradually relaxed: "I know."

After dinner, Feng Si lit candles in every corner of the house. The flickering lights of the fire diffused into his affectionate eyes, and he stretched out his hand to Lu Jing: "Dancing?"

He wanted to make up for the dance he missed yesterday.

Lu Jing looked back at him deeply, and handed over her hand.

The phonograph was still humming, and they walked and danced hugging each other.

"Do you remember that time I bought a book of poetry?"

Footsteps turned, Feng Si approached Lu Jing and asked softly.

Lu Jingshen: "Yes."

He remembered that in the French flea market, besides the gramophone, Feng Si also picked out a collection of poems published in the last century. He thought Feng Si was just a whim, not really interested.

Feng Si smiled softly: "I've finished reading the collection of poems, can I read one to you?"

Lu Jingshen: "Okay."

Feng Si's breath fell even closer, and his murmured breath was close to his ear.

"What can I hold you with?"

What can I do to keep you?

"I offer you an streets, desperate sunsets, them moon of the jagged suburbs.

I offer you the bitterness of a man who has looked long and long at the lonely moon.”

I offer you the poor streets, the hopeless sunsets, the moon of the run-down suburbs.

I offer you the sorrow of a man who looks long and long at the lonely moon.

Lu Jing's heart trembled deeply, Feng Si turned his head and kissed the little mole on his ear.

It is like gently containing and appeasing.

They continued to walk and spin in song.

"I offer you whatever insight my books may hold. whatever manliness or humour my life."

I give you whatever insight my books can contain, any manliness or humor my life can contain.

"I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved some how-the central heart that deals not in words, traffic not with dreams and dis untouched by time, by joy, by adversities."

I give you the core of myself that I have tried to preserve—the core that does not make sentences, that does not trade with dreams, that is untouched by time, joy, and adversity.

Feng Si's voice fell into his ears word by word, it was a voice that Lu Jingshen had long been familiar with, and could strike his soul.

"I offer you the memory of ay ellow rose s een atsu set, years before you were born.

I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself."

I offer you the memory of a yellow rose I saw one evening many years before you were born.

I give you explanations about yourself, theories about yourself, true and amazing news about yourself.

"I cangiveyoumylonliness, mydarkness, thehungerofmyheart;Iamtryingtobribeyouwithuncertainty,withdanger,withdefeat."

I give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart; I try to impress you with confusion, danger, failure.

Lu Jing understood deeply, what Feng Si read was poetry, and it was also the voice from the bottom of his heart.

In the flickering candlelight, he saw the concentration and piety in Feng Si's eyes, only for him.

"I offer you the loyalty of a man who has never been loyal."

I offer you the loyalty of a man who has never had faith.

When the sound of the last word fell, Lu Jing deeply felt that something slipped from the hand he was holding with Feng Si to the knuckle of his ring finger.

Looking down, the silver plain ring shone with moving brilliance in the firelight.

This is what Feng Si planned to give him, this poem, and this ring.

There was fleeting surprise in Lu Jing's deep eyes.

Feng Si pressed against his palm, and the warm touch brought him back to his mind.

He noticed that Feng Si had worn the same ring on his ring finger at some time, which was the same ring as the one he gave to himself.

"Let's marry."

Feng Si said so.

Lu Jingshen: "Are you proposing to me?"

"Yes, I'm proposing to you." Feng Si's eyes were firm and sincere, "Are you married?"

Lu Jing looked at him deeply, her heart was surging.

This man is cynical and uninhibited. He uses these to disguise himself and confuse everyone around him.

But it is also this person who has been pursuing him single-mindedly, persistently, and unwilling to give up, pulling him back from the abyss.

He loves this person, from the past, to the future.

A smile gradually filled his eyes, and Lu Jingshen finally nodded.

"Okay, let's get married."

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Poem from Borges - "What Can I Use to Keep You"