Kasamatsu's black silk

"Let's break up..."

"The days when I was with you were very happy, and I don't regret it."

"As long as it's someone you really like, it doesn't matter who it is, I will bless you."

"You came to me today to say the same thing, right? Let me finish it first... I don't need you to do such a painful thing, and I won't blame you."

"...Goodbye, Tachibana."

It was like a dream.

I couldn't make any reaction, and watched Kasamatsu-san's lips open and close to form words, but I still couldn't understand the meaning.He didn't look into my eyes when he was speaking, I knew that was his performance when he was lying, but I didn't know which sentence was lying.

However, I only understand.

Let's break up-this heavy phrase is the only thing he said when he looked me in the eyes.

Kasamatsu-san turned around and left after calling me by my surname after a long absence.

Step by step, the speed is not fast, or even slow, step by step, away from me.

So far away that I couldn't catch him in the field of vision.

Fingers are cold.

Vision blurred.

The heart is like being cut by a sharp knife, one knife after another.

The searing pain choked my throat, and I stood still, unable to open my mouth.

Tried to call out to him, but couldn't.

I want to cry.

(why……)

I really want to cry.

(Why, Kasamatsu-san would say such things...?)

Really want to cry.

(Did I do something bad?)

I almost lost the strength to stand up, and wanted to cry.

(Did Kasamatsu-san get angry?)

With trembling hands, he took out the phone, tried several times before successfully unlocking the slide lock on the touch screen, and opened the contact list after tapping four or five times. Looking at Yukio Kasamatsu's name, he couldn't tap his finger anymore.

You have to stop him and ask him clearly why, breaking up or something...

— want to cry.

I took a deep breath, bent my knees and squatted down.

His hands were crossed to cover his face, and he obviously closed his eyes to cover the sun, but his eyes still hurt.

——However, I couldn’t cry.

I don't remember how I got home after that.

The cardboard box I took out and brought back was stuffed somewhere, and my mother didn't reply to her questions. She took off her shoes and clothes, and threw herself on the bed wearing only a simple suspender skirt.

I don't want to take off my makeup, my friend seems to have said that it will be bad for the skin - but so what?

The phone was turned off and thrown into the corner. I hugged the pillow and buried my face deeply.

What was buzzing in my head were all the words Kasamatsu-san said.

Get dumped.

What my friends worried about when I was at the homestay really happened.

But there is no real feeling at all.

"...Is it a dream?"

The hoarse voice from the dry throat does not seem like something unreal, because every syllable is tearing its own vocal cords, with bumpy pain.

Not a dream.

Even if I go back to the agreed place now, I won't wait for Kasamatsu-san.

He will not happily come to see me, he will not be shy and praise me for being cute who has worked so hard to dress up, and he will not accept the gift I bought for him with most of his part-time salary in surprise, and he will not happily say thank you to me.

... no longer.

When I go to school tomorrow, he will not look back at me even if he sits in the front row.

There will be no "good morning".

There will be no "Do you want to go to lunch?".

There will be no "I will take you home after school when my club activities are over".

There will be no "can I... hold hands?".

"...Because we broke up."

Although I don't understand why.

Until now, I dare not ask why.

From the second day on, I didn't go to school again.

I told my mother that I was not feeling well and wanted to rest for a while. Although there was obvious worry on my mother's face, she agreed without asking me too much.

I locked myself in the room like this, and after a day, two, or three days, I couldn't count the time, and just kept falling asleep.I thought I would cry a lot, but there was no surprise, I could eat normally, and my behavior in front of my family was normal, but when I looked in the mirror, I found that my complexion was not good, and it really looked like I just gave birth Like a disease.

Maybe in a few days, the illness will get better...

Even just thinking of the name Yukio Kasamatsu has a terminal illness that makes breathing painful——

"Tachibana, open the door for me!"

After dinner, I was washing dishes by the sink with my mother. I was shocked by the roar outside the door. Seeing the same surprised expression on the face of my mother next to me, I believed that I hadn't heard it wrong.

While I was in a daze, the roar outside the door sounded again, I quickly picked up the rag next to me and wiped the water stains on my hands, and trotted to open the door while responding to the sound.

"Tachibana Tsu! Open the door!!"

"Come, come! Come! That... wait, wait a minute!"

I can already hear whose voice it is.

When I get angry, I will call me by my first name and last name. Among the people I know, there will be no second one except friends, but just because I think about it, I feel even more terrifying. From that day on, I was afraid of seeing my phone. I haven’t turned on my phone for related things. My friend and Kobori-kun probably sent text messages to ask me why I didn’t go to school. I didn’t explain a single word. It must have worried my friend... Well, she was probably angry enough to want to eat me.

When I opened the door, the person outside unexpectedly did not have the furious expression I had imagined.

My friend's eyes were red, and when he saw that it was me who opened the door, he immediately opened his arms and rushed over.

"Uh, whoa whoa whoa—!"

"Go to hell you!"

— was hugged.

Firmly, hugged.

"Are you an idiot? Are you a big idiot!?"

"Eh, eh? Why do you always scold when we meet..."

"Then you want me to beat you!?"

It will be very painful, so don't do it! ?

I originally wanted to answer this way, but my friend tightened my neck all of a sudden, and I could only groan in pain. I had to pat her arm to let her loosen. Suffocated and died.

"I, I was wrong, I really... cough cough... dying... uh... dead..."

"I'd rather die!"

"Uh... I'm really going to die...! I'm really sorry that I didn't come to school for a few days and didn't tell you... In short, you... let go first..."

"It's not there that you want to apologize!? By the way... I've heard about it."

I was taken aback, she had already let go of the arm that was strangling my neck, and the sudden sentence made it difficult for me to react, or I had already reacted, but I didn't want to think about it.

So, subconsciously avoided.

"Ah... what is it?"

"Don't play stupid!"

This loud voice, it seems that my friend is really angry. I didn't say anything to her, not only because I haven't contacted her for several days since I didn't go to school, but also Kasamatsu-san...

Thinking of his name, I felt stabbed in the heart again. I didn't want my mother to see anything, so I rushed back to the room to get a coat, and went out with my friends to find a nearby family restaurant and sat down.

"……How did you know?"

In the atmosphere where the two were silently sucking juice, I finally couldn't bear it and opened my mouth.

The friend on the opposite side of the table was obviously much calmer. She let go of the pink straw that she had been biting, exuding the familiar queen aura around her. The feeling of nostalgia made me swallow my saliva.

"That, that, because, I haven't told anyone..."

Unless he told others, logically speaking, no one would know.

Of course, that person is not someone who would talk to others about this kind of thing...probably.

"Do you think that no one will find out if you don't tell me?" My friend gave me a hard look, "You haven't come to school, and your mobile phone can't get through. You asked the teacher to find out that you were on sick leave. Hiroshi Kobori from the next class also ran over. Ask me why you haven't come for several days, and finally I ran to ask Li Song to find out what happened!"

"Ah..." I turned my face away with a guilty conscience, "So I asked him..."

Speaking of which, that person has gynophobia, right?Is it okay when you talk to your friends?Will you blush?Then stutter? ...Ah, it should be impossible, after all, it is a topic related to me, will you lower your head and avoid talking to yourself like that day?But... what was his expression that day... I can't remember...

"Enough, don't think about it!"

With two slaps, my friend slapped my cheeks hard with his hands, forcing me to regain my senses. Only then did I realize that my eyes hurt so badly, I quickly pulled away my friend's hand, rubbed my cheeks and rubbed my eyes.

"TuTuTuTuTu, what are you doing to that girl's face?"

My friend snorted, ignored my complaint, and just picked up the cup in front of her again.

...Ah, damn it, why do I feel like she hit me just to vent her anger...

"That's right, it was just to vent your anger."

"Hey! By the way, what's the matter with such a speech that seems to see through my heart!?"

"Whoever made you write it on your face."

It's all written on my face! ?Yes, is it so obvious?

Surprised, I started to touch my face with my hands, but my hands don't have eyes, so I can't understand what kind of expression I'm putting on, and my friends can see through me so easily...

Well, I have to admit she has always read my mind.

like now-

"Can't you cry?" she asked me.

It's too clear to be seen, but I don't know how to answer it.

I forced myself to pull the corners of my mouth and show a wry smile.

"Well...Although I really want to cry, I really want to cry when I heard him say this to me..." I touched the tip of my sore nose, "I don't know why I just can't cry."

Maybe I have to cry a lot.

But now I don't even know how to cry.

"My friend, you were worried that I would be dumped by him when you were in the homestay, but now it has really come true, haha..."

Throat is so dry and sore.

The eyes didn't feel moist at all.

"...you got dumped?"

"Don't repeat it, even if you can't cry, it's still sad..."

"I'm sorry, I just think there's something... Forget it, pretend I didn't say it."

Don't stop, stop here to make me care more, okay?

Especially my friend who clearly has something to say but just doesn't want to tell me this idiot's expression... huh?Wait a moment?Did I just scold myself once?

"You're an idiot."

"Please don't read other people's minds anymore——!"

Ah... Tired...

After bullying me for a long time, my friend drank the remaining juice in the glass with a contented expression, checked the time and said that it was almost time to go home, and asked me to leave a home phone number so that she could contact me.

"I thought you'd force me to go to school."

When I handed the written note to my friend, I muttered softly.

She glanced at me, then reached out and touched my head.

"...you still feel very painful seeing him now, don't you?"

...Oops, I want to cry.

I rubbed my eyes again, but no tears came out. When I looked up and saw my friend's worried face, I immediately smiled and told her not to worry too much.

"Isn't it just a broken relationship? It's okay...it will get better after a while."

Although I don’t know how long this [over time] will last.

After saying goodbye to my friends, I went home. I apologized to my mother as soon as I got home because I left so suddenly, but she didn’t say anything, just hugged me in her arms and patted my head, which made me feel even more sad. .

How many people do I want to worry about who care about me...

You have to cheer yourself up.

Having made up my mind, I went back to the room and found the cell phone thrown in the corner.

My fingers trembled when I pressed the power button.

In the bedroom that was not turned on, only the screen that was turned on was glowing. I watched the screens start up one after another, and finally came to the main desktop, looked at the system startup buffer, and then a new message popped up on the interface.

There are twelve articles in total.

Immediately, an unspeakable emotion rushed to my head, I quickly closed my eyes, took a deep breath and threw the phone out, regardless of whether it would be broken by me, I turned my head and threw myself on the bed.

No, no, no, not yet.

There was so much left uncleaned in there.

There was a voice ringing in my mind all the time, I didn't even dare to think about what those were, I just kept escaping.

Probably, it's because I subconsciously understand that the current self seeing those things will only make myself collapse too quickly.

I still need time.

Tell yourself this over and over again, and then force yourself to sleep.

——I had a long-lost dream that night.

After breaking up with him, every time I fell into a drowsy sleep, I didn’t dream about anything, and I didn’t dare to dream about anything. dream about him.

The same dress as that day, a blue and white sports jacket with a short white T inside and matching sweatpants underneath. I saw him standing opposite me, without saying a word, just frowning, even Don't even look at me.

"【】classmate……"

Can't say it, the name that belongs to that person, can't say it.

My heart was hurting, my internal organs were hurting, and my respiratory tract was hurting even more. I knew that this was a replay, and because I knew it, I was terrified. I hurried forward a few steps to stop him before he could speak, but, No matter how far I go, I can't catch his hand.

The distance between Yukio Kasamatsu and me cannot be crossed no matter what.

"Listen to me...listen to me...【】student..."

Shout as hard as you can.

His eyes were dry and his throat seemed to be on fire.

Even so, I was screaming desperately.

"I don't understand what you mean...you will bless me when I like someone else? Is it because you don't like me? Why did you break up? Did I do something that made you unhappy? Do you hate it? I don't want it! I don't want it! I don't want it!"

I don't want to hear you say that.

"Don't say goodbye to me—!"

When I finally made it past the last step and thought I could catch him, the world shattered.

I opened my eyes on my bed and forgot to breathe.

Sure enough, it was a dream.

I sat up slowly, and touched the pillow subconsciously. The touch from my hands made me startled, but I laughed out loud again.

"...Sure enough, I can't cry."