Every warm feeling may turn black

For me, life is a cycle of reincarnation, and the scenes I touch are all illusory.

***

I still remember when I was a teenager, my mother grabbed my hand to write——

Humble first

Couple second

Jingshen Third

Women's Bank Fourth

Concentrate fifth

Qu from the sixth

Uncle Seventh

One stroke at a time, the ink seeps into the paper and into the wooden table.

I looked up and saw my mother's gentle jawline and the corners of her mouth tightly pursed. She looked at me sternly: "Don't be distracted."

She scolded like this.

I remember these, and besides, I still remember that a long time ago, probably when I died for the first time, I penetrated a mist and saw a beautiful and delicate woman playing the piano in the mist.

Zhongni style, a dark section of burnt wood, I have always thought of Aegean, and I can't see other tricks.

But the beauty of the sound of the piano made me forget everything. I just stared blankly at the woman with curly black hair and wide sleeves in white. The sound of the piano was scattered at the fingertips. I couldn't bear to interrupt, so I kept listening to Listening all the time, she knew that the sound of the piano had stopped abruptly. The girl sighed softly, and the sigh was as light as a cloud.

She said, "Little girl, you are going the wrong way."

Then my eyes went dark, and when I opened my eyes again, it was already three years ago.

——Three years ago, I was sent under the fence, humiliated by others, and gave birth to a child out of wedlock. After that, for the next three years, I was in a daze, I didn't know the day and night, and I didn't even remember how I died.

Because I want to die.

What I want is nothing more than a bowl of Meng Po soup, to let me forget my past and walk across the bridge of Naihe innocently. I stared blankly at the already dilapidated body, and knew that this seemingly flat belly had already begun Conceive a baby.

This feeling is different from the inexplicable discovery of pregnancy at that time. I was so panicked that I almost went crazy. At this time, I actually thought that maybe I could raise her and take the only relative in the world who is connected with me by blood to live a good life. A new life, time reversal, maybe it is a gift from God.

——I used to think so.

——Before I found out, it turned out to be a curse.

***

I used to want to live my life in such a peaceful and stable way. The scenery I touched was just a small backyard, and the people I saw were just the servants of the surrounding yards. , although I live on, but also feel ashamed, whether forced or not, after all, I am sorry for the original owner who took me in and the original second master who treated me sincerely.

When I thought that the second master Yuan died, I should commit suicide, but I am already a broken body, so what qualifications do I have to define myself as his fiancée? No matter what, I always thought at that time that despite the circumstances It's already extremely bad, but it's always impossible to be self-deprecating.

All along, the education I have received, the world I live in, and the reality I feel should be like this.

Until I died inexplicably for the third time and woke up in pain——I looked around the environment, the floor of the old firewood house was full of firewood and sawdust, and the dust was floating in the air. The sunlight neatly divided my body covered with finger marks into two parts, my face was in the shadows, my eyes followed the sunlight, and I sat quietly on the ground until the sunlight disappeared and the moonlight came in.

—what happened?Time should keep passing as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, shouldn't it?Why am I the only one who has to constantly face all the unbearable things?

I don’t know if it’s too late for me to think about it, but it’s always a good thing to start thinking about it. I hugged my knees and looked at the pale moonlight slanting in from the small window, and suddenly thought of the girl playing the piano casually in the mist.

——Does all this have anything to do with the girl?

What I have learned since I was a child is only women's morality, talent and etiquette. I can distinguish the artistic conception of a painting, and I can recognize the fingering of each piano piece. Don't do what you shouldn't do, I remember my mother said to me: "Women are flowing water, you have to adapt to the winding mountain roads, rocks block the way, humbleness comes first, you should remember."

I don't recall it, but that memory is not non-existent. Now that I think about it carefully, the past is blurred, but one thing is clear.

—Why don't I die?

——Didn’t I always consider myself not afraid of death?

——When I was insulted, got pregnant out of wedlock, and faced immorality so many times, why didn’t I follow my mother’s teachings and sacrifice myself?

——After all, it’s just that I’m afraid of death.

Needless to say, it's high-sounding, and there's no need to pile up good-looking reasons. After all, it's just a fear of death.

I looked at the pale hands under the moonlight, and asked myself, God, and the past—do you want me to die?Is it my punishment to be trapped in this reincarnation because I lost my virtue and rebelled against my fate?

Three years and three years, endless hell, endless despair.

I stood up, let myself be naked, tore the tattered clothes into strips, and hung them on the beams.

— Resign yourself to fate.

When I put my head in, my mind went blank, because in the face of death, I was still afraid after all.

I was still afraid after all—and then, I was still afraid of death after all.

***

So when I found out that I didn't die, and it wasn't when I returned to the original point again, I was really relieved, looked around, the house was simple, but it was better than clean, the young man in white was sitting in front of the window, his black hair was like a waterfall, and his face was like jade.

The setting sun was like blood, and the bright red sunlight shrouded his whole body, making people feel dizzy for no reason.

——It was the original owner of the Shaozhuang.

Although I had little contact with him in the past few lifetimes, I also know that Yuan Suiyun, the young owner of Wuzheng Villa, is well-read and knowledgeable, gentle and polite, and the word gentleman is perfect for him.

It's a pity that he is blind.

Because he is blind, even if he saved me, he must not have seen my distress. Thinking of this episode, I was actually relieved.

He spoke to me gently: "I noticed something was wrong, so I saved you and ordered someone to change your clothes."

He said nothing about my insult, but poured me a glass of warm water and told me to rest.

Finally he said to me: "I heard that you love guqin, and I happen to have one, which is suitable for people who love the piano like you. Playing the piano in the future can relieve a little loneliness, right?"

Just because of the trace of not wanting me to die revealed in his words, I suddenly felt that there was nothing terrible about being tossed and turned.

***

I don't know when the change happened, it seemed overnight, I found that all the scenery I was tired of seeing had a new brilliance, I looked at every plant and tree in Wuzheng Villa, and when I thought of the original Suiyun Zheng Being born and raised here, I feel happy for no reason.

I think, if it's for him, even if I'm stuck in reincarnation, I'll be happy with it.

As long as I can see him occasionally, as long as he talks to me briefly and smiles at me gently, this reincarnation will become an extremely beautiful dream.

This kind of emotion, which I have never experienced before, is completely unfamiliar, but it seems to grow instinctively.

Until one day, Yuan Suiyun said to me: "I will take you to meet someone."

It was the third year of this life, and I knew that in a few months I might have to die inexplicably and return to the origin, but this time I felt a little complacent, planning how to leave the original place and follow along in just three years. Yun is closer, so that he no longer seems to be gentle to me, but in reality he is cold.

I have been observing this person all the time, of course I know that he is the most gentle, but also the most ruthless.

So when I saw him looking at a person with a gaze full of uncontrollable emotions, I felt like I was about to die.

I looked at the man who was stared at by Yuan Suiyun like this. He was lying on a soft bed and sleeping deeply. His pale cheeks were deeply sunken, his lips were bloodless, and his face and chest could not see obvious ups and downs. His pale skin With long black hair and bright red bedding, it was a lifeless corpse.

I watched Yuan Suiyun gently lift him up, leaning his lips against his ear and whispering tenderly: "Little uncle, wake up and see, who is coming to see you."

I was in a nightmare, not understanding the immoral, absurd scene before me.

——Duanxiu, uncle and nephew, and the second master Yuan who was like a bone.

I heard my own voice, hoarse like an old man in old age: "This...is the second master Yuan?"

***

On the day Yuan Qiyue died, the fine weather was like irony. I watched Yuan Suiyun walk through every corner of the yard step by step with that lifeless body in his arms.

He spoke unanswered words to the void, made unanswered smiles or angry faces.

And I watched him until the long sword pierced his chest and his breathing stopped suddenly.

The last thing I saw was the expressionless, cold face of Yuan Suiyun.

Open your eyes again, it's the origin again.

***

For a long period of reincarnation, I would ask Yuan Suiyun the first time I saw him: "Have you ever regretted it?"

He reacted differently in different situations, sometimes he would kill me directly, sometimes he would talk about it, and very rarely he asked me: "What do you know?"

I smiled and looked at this man who was amazing in many ways, but innocent in some ways: "I know that in this world, there is no one person who is omnipotent."

We are always making mistakes and regretting constantly. When manpower is exhausted, just like I guess my reincarnation is related to Yuan Erye, but I can't break this vicious circle.

But I have long since given up on breaking this cycle.

If this reincarnation is over, won't there be any intersection between me and Yuan Suiyun?

In this vicious circle, only I can start over again, so I have countless opportunities to correct and change in countless ways. I understand more and more about Yuan Suiyun, because I am the only one in this world. Endless time to pay attention to one person.

I have also seen the haggard wood-like Hara Kiyue countless times. When he opened his eyes, his eyes were dark and terrifying, like a lifeless deep pool. The blood came, his blood was pale, he didn't look like a living thing living in this land, when he curled up into a ball and was held in Yuan Suiyun's arms, his eyes were venomous like a ghost.

He said to me, "Why, am I not dead yet?"

I am used to seeing Yuan Suiyun never listen to my advice, and I am used to seeing Yuan Qiyue who is dying, so that one day, Yuan Suiyun suddenly agreed not to imprison Yuan Qiyue, and Yuan Qiyue's eyes were calm and When a strange appearance stood in front of me, I could barely react.

Yuan Qiyue is still so thin, as thin as if could be blown away by the breeze, still gloomy, with cloudy clouds and lingering melancholy in his brows and eyes, but now he is alive, a living creature with vitality.

I looked at him calmly, as calm as ever, but suddenly an inextinguishable flame burned in my heart, as if there was a restless beast roaring in my heart.

What's the difference.

Why is it different.

Why is it different.

——Is it because it is about to end?

This is an immoral, endless and hopeless cycle.

***

When death came, I suddenly felt very relieved.

I think of the unfinished death that I was first saved by Yuan Suiyun many, many, many years ago.

At that time I still had fear in my heart, but now I only have relief; I still had delusions in my heart at that time, but now I have nothing to worry about.

Before my eyes, the scene of my mother teaching me how to tie a net appeared many years ago. She held me in her arms and sang softly and affectionately.

"Brother is a dragon in the sky ~ sister is a canopy of flowers in the ground ~ if the dragon does not turn over, it will not rain ~ if the rain does not sprinkle flowers, the flowers will not be red ~ the river is full of water and sand waves ~ a pair of carps and a pair of shrimps ~ I see carps playing in the water ~ I don't see my little sister Come pick flowers~"

I sang softly along with her, and then I was hit on the head: "Don't sing, don't learn well."

I looked at her aggrievedly.

My mother started laughing, the corners of her eyes wrinkled slightly, and she said, "Ayue, oh Ayue, my little moon is a good girl."

I looked at her inexplicably.

Looking at this face that has gradually blurred in the years to come.

Now I see her again, back to her side.

I don't know if I can tell her that Ah Yue is very obedient and a good girl.

***

There is no hindrance, no terror, far away from upside-down dreams, and finally Nirvana.

The author has something to say: So the fresh and tender dodder finally turned into a pervert with weird thinking