Like a swallow returning to its nest

"A Letter to Fang Jian"

Dear Jane Fang:

Hello there!

Sister Jane!I read your letter, and you are so smart, so I asked my brother to write the letter for me this time. My brother knows a lot of characters and the characters are beautiful. He wrote the envelopes for me (yes, I wrote them) of).

Sister Jian Jian, I went fishing in the river yesterday, I caught two big grass carp, super super big grass carp (gesturing a big circle), put it in my schoolbag and took it home, my brother made steamed fish for me Fish to eat, but my books and homework are all dirty, I go to school in the morning and get scolded by the teacher (deserved it).

Cut, I don't care, I still have to go, my brother said that next time I will make braised braised for me.

"Well, where are my marbles? Jiang Zhishu, don't write this sentence, I'll look for my marbles."

(Jiang Xiaolai looks everywhere for her marbles, and her four pockets are full of dead leaves and dead bugs.)

"Forget it, I can't find it, I'll go to school tomorrow to grab someone else's."

(Jiang Xiaolai is very naughty, she is simply a toubob.)

Sister Jian Jian, I went to the senior grade to find a few sisters who are as tall as you, but I think they are not as good as you, and they will bully me and lie to me to eat. It's really annoying, but you are better.

Sister Jian Jian, I miss you too. I want to hear you play the piano. The music teacher in our school can also play the piano. One day I passed by his house and heard him playing the piano in the house. I ran to knock on the door. I went into the house and gave me peanut candy (Jiang Xiaolai is a greedy cat with a thick skin), and I just listened to him play the piano.

Sister Jian Jian, I also want to be like you. I will learn music when I grow up, but I think playing the piano is too difficult (she has nails on her buttocks, and she can't sit still while playing cotton).

Then I'll go to sing, the teacher said I have a nice voice and called me a little lark (which is true), hee hee.

"Jiang Zhishu, you are so annoying! How dare you be impatient! I told you to write two words, so long-winded, if you don't write, I will put cabbage worms in your bed at night!"

(You see, this is Jiang Xiaolai's real face.)

……

Only a loving and lively family can raise such a little Lai. Look at how fun these two brothers and sisters are.

Fang Jian took a photo and sent it to Xiao Lai: You don't know, your brother bullied you for being illiterate, and secretly complained about you in the letter.

Xiao Lai made an angry expression, and after a while, he made a series of laughing voices, laughing for seven seconds.

Fang Jian clicked on it over and over again, heard her walking on the crowded street, heard her slightly shortness of breath, imagined that she was holding her mobile phone and parked on the side of the road, frowning and zooming in on the contents of the letter in the photo, pretending to be angry, Then he laughed heartily.

Listening to her liveliness, Fang Jian also felt lively.

Fang Jian said: I miss you so much, just like in the letter.

Xiao Lai replied: We will meet tomorrow.

At [-] o'clock on Saturday morning, Fang Jian closed the computer, got up to take a shower, changed into the clothes she chose last night, a black knitted sweater and straight-leg jeans, sunglasses and a fisherman's hat.

Thinking of the date with Xiao Lai this morning, I worked hard at night and still couldn't fall asleep, so I had to watch PS tutorials to pass the time and try to do it, the dark circles under my eyes are heavy.

In the past few days, it has been raining secretly at night. When she heard the sound of rain falling, she stood by the window for a while, looking and listening.

Xiao Lai likes rain very much. She lives in their small house, lying on their big bed, falling asleep with the sound of rain, she must sleep well, they are listening to the same rain.

Being alone is what Fang Jian is best at. With Xiao Lai's letter, she doesn't feel lonely at all.But in fact, in her current state, there is no way to be a real person. It's not that she never thought about going back to Xiao Lai. Xiao Lai has to go to school, so she can't watch her all the time, and her grandparents are worried about her going out now.

Fang Jian had a hunch that she would be admitted to the hospital soon, and she would have to go in for a month or so every year.

The rain from last night was still on the road, and there were scattered flowers and fallen leaves. In the satchel was a gift from grandma to Xiao Lai, chopped peppers and dried pickled radishes, which were heavy and weighed a little on his shoulders.

It was almost autumn, and the weather was getting cooler. She sniffed, and the wet bitter smell of dahlias was delicious.

The date was in the university town. At nine o'clock in the morning, Fang Jian stood at the gate of the South Gate and called Xiao Lai. Ten minutes later, she came from the end of the road where holly trees were neatly lined up.

When the two met, they smiled at each other. Xiao Lai didn't braid his hair, his hair was tied up casually, and he was wearing a gray pullover sweater, casually lazy.

They held hands naturally, and Xiao Lai asked, "Have you eaten?"

Fang Jian shook her head, and Xiao Lai said, "Me neither. I'm waiting for you. I'll take you to eat small wontons. It's very fresh and not fishy."

Fang Jian said yes, and they walked slowly on the road holding hands, Fang Jian began to talk about herself.

"The diagnosis was in my freshman year, and I didn't realize what was wrong at the beginning. It was just that I couldn't be happy for a long time, was depressed, and always shed tears for no reason."

"My sister found out, took me to the doctor, asked me to fill out a form, and then said I was depressed. My sister was so familiar with it, I think now, she may have been diagnosed before me, but she was manic. But that was a misdiagnosis. In fact, I am bipolar disorder, but I just happen to be in the depression stage. Mania is easy to be ignored, just like my sister’s state that day. People may only think that she has been suppressed for too long and finally broke out. Who can tell Do you think that people like her will also get sick? She is very good at hiding, even my parents don't know."

Xiao Lai corrected her: "It's not that your sister will hide it. Does she really not want to be cared about? She doesn't want to be discovered? It's your parents' problem. Your sister sees you like this, how dare she expose it, she is very strong , seeing her go crazy like that, I guess she's been sick longer than you."

Fang Jian was silent.

Onlookers can tell that what Xiao Lai said is not unreasonable.

A couple at the bus stop hugged and kissed without anyone else, and everyone was surprised by this. After walking for a while, Fang Jian continued: "The second diagnosis is because a very serious incident happened, and it was also because of my manic episode. That time I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was immediately hospitalized, and everything started from then on.”

"Every year, I have to stay in the hospital for a period of time, sometimes it is summer, sometimes it is winter, this year has not yet, I guess it may be winter. Winter is coming soon."

"What hospital?" Xiao Lai looked up at her.

Fang Jian said, "Nanzhou City Mental Rehabilitation Center."

Xiao Lai was speechless, lowered her head, and Fang Jian squeezed her hand, "It's okay, you can come and see me when the time comes. In the first few years, I was tied up, I was in a bad state, really, You haven't seen it, or you will be terrified. In order not to trouble my family in the past two years, I have cooperated, and I also met some friends in the hospital. Going to the hospital is like going home, and I am not so scared."

"After you left last time, some things happened again. I lost my temper at home and smashed the living room. My father may have prepared to send me to the hospital... Later, I took medicine and escaped unharmed... The following things, You know what we've been through together."

Fang Jian took off the bracelet and put it on for her, "Now you know all about it, I won't hide it from you, I kept telling you to get the same bracelet for you, but I forgot where I bought it, so I'll give you this Wear it."

Xiao Lai moved his wrist and sniffed at the tip of his nose. The bracelet still smelled of Grandma Fang Jian's shower gel.

The scars on her wrists were of different shades, the deepest one was where the blood vessels were the thickest and most obvious, and a 5mm thick white scar proliferated.

"Can you still play the piano?" Xiao Lai said sullenly while touching her wrist.

"Besides my wrist, there may also be psychological reasons. I tried to play, but I couldn't play it. I felt dizzy when I touched the keys. It has been abandoned for four or five years." Thinking of what was said in the letter, Fang Jian shook her hand. , "Sorry, I can't play the piano for you."

"It's okay." What else could she say.

Xiao Lai was not in high spirits all the way, and went to a small shop to eat wontons. On the way, she passed a very narrow dark alley. Fang Jian pressed her against the wall, tilted her head and pecked her lips, pretending to be lighthearted, "Fortunately, there is You, thinking of you, I'm not afraid of anything."

She lowered her eyelids and said nothing, Fang Jian kissed her vigorously, rubbing her hands through the cloth, she didn't resist, and let her do whatever she wanted.

Gradually, he started to feel a little bit, Xiao Lai was panting from being kissed, blushing like hell, and hid around with his neck stuck, "What's wrong, it's in broad daylight." Fang's surname really became more and more daring.

"What's wrong in broad daylight." Fang Jian was very wronged, and she also wanted to please her, "I haven't seen you for a long time, I can't see you before going to bed, and I can't see you when I wake up, the side and the pillow are all empty , miss you."

"Did you bring it on yourself? Did I tell you to leave?" Xiao Lai adjusted the shoulder straps through the coat, and pinched her side waist punitively and twisted it lightly.

Fang Jian leaned her body to hide, her hands were not idle, you came and I played Tai Chi, when there was a sudden "cough" in the alley, the male student who entered by mistake paused and hurried past with his head buried.

When the person walked away, Xiao Lai pushed her, "It's so annoying!" He put his hand into the clothes and quickly tidied them up.

An unplanned date, walking slowly on the campus holding hands after breakfast, Fang Jian talked about the short campus life.

This is the agreed 'confession day', everything should be said at once today.Fang Jian didn't want to say in the letter what she was unhappy about, and she didn't want to make her angry when she read the past when she was old.The letter only said that it was fun and happy.

"The university I attend is one of the top five conservatories in China. The school is very large, and the sound of music can be heard everywhere. In the corridors, in the classrooms, in the dormitory buildings, and by the artificial lake, all kinds of musical instruments are converging. The atmosphere is very good, and the teachers also very good."

"The days at school were very fulfilling and beautiful. That should be the happiest period in the past that I still have memories of."

Sitting down on the bench by the artificial lake, Xiao Lai picked a grass stalk and put it in his mouth, "So I didn't finish reading, what happened again."

Fang Jian looked sideways and said seriously, "Do you think I'm the kind of person who would bully others on campus?"

"You seem to have been bullied by the school." Xiao Lai said.

"Then let me tell you about some things I experienced in college. If I forget in the future, I hope you can help me remember this feeling and remember these things... Let's just start from high school..."

Since the freshman year of high school, Fang Jian must have been seriously ill twice a year. Of course, human factors cannot be ruled out, such as taking cold baths in winter, eating ice cream and other self-abuse behaviors.

At that time, Fang Jian was volunteering for the Conservatory of Music. Fang Zheng found that his devil training had backfired. His youngest daughter could not be a rose in the scorching sun. He could only pin his hopes on the next generation and let her go.

Fang Jian was successfully admitted to the ideal university, that was when she left home in a true sense and truly felt freedom.

But the good times didn't last long. In the first semester of her sophomore year, when she was just 20 years old, she was admitted to the hospital due to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and dropped out of school.

Three months before admission, a 'falling piano incident' occurred, and one week before admission, roommate Zhao Lian planned a 'falling incident'.

"There are four people in our dormitory. I and the other major in piano. One majors in music education like you. The other majors in orchestra and plays the violin pretty well. This person is called Zhao Lian. He is very beautiful and glamorous. She is handsome and good at dressing up, her family is not well-off, and she goes to a school like ours, you know, the tuition is not cheap, and the piano is not cheap either."

"From the first semester of my freshman year, some people in the school rumored that she was working as a peripheral outside, but I just heard about it. I don't know if it's true or not, and I don't like to socialize with others very much. Although I live in the same dormitory, I can't really talk to her. learn."

"Not long after I started my sophomore year, I found that my mental state was very unstable, and I often got angry because of little things, but my roommates were all very good people. At that time, I had not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. They only knew that I was depressed. Yes. I am very tolerant. One morning, before dawn, six or seven o’clock? It might not be seven o’clock, and Zhao Lian was playing the piano on the balcony. At that time, I had just stayed up two nights, because of a manic attack, I didn’t even know what to do. I just couldn't fall asleep, and I was exhausted after a long time, and I was woken up by her just after I fell asleep, and I was very, very angry."

"And you got into a fight with her?" Lai said.

Fang Jian shook her head, "No, I just dropped her piano and scolded her a few words."

Xiao Lai said: "She cried, crying like pear blossoms with rain, and then said why did you treat her like this, and then said who bought her piano for her, without mentioning the price, but it has a special meaning and is very precious."

Fang Jian was shocked, "You guessed it right! She was like that at the time, and you know that she is very beautiful, and she is very touching when she cries. It is obviously her fault, and all the roommates went to comfort her and blame me. In fact, I It can be heard that she has very good piano skills, and that piano is no longer good enough for her."

"Have you lost money?"

"It's a loss." Fang Jian said: "My sister helped me deal with the matter. She just happened to be there on a business trip, answered my call, hung up the phone and bought Zhao Lian a violin worth more than 3 yuan. Invite my classmates to dinner, please take good care of me. My sister, you know, she is very social, afraid that I will be bullied, so I reconciled with Zhao Lian at the dinner table. At that time, I really did not expect what happened later .”

Xiao Lai smiled, his eyes were deep and far away, "Your sister has revealed her wealth."

With an education like the Fang family's, even if they have money, they will not spend it casually. Fang Jian is not keen on famous brands, and she pays attention to comfortable and generous clothes. If Zhao Lian is really like the rumors, identifying rich people is her professional quality. Seeing how rich her family is, if Fang Chun can't see it anymore, she has something wrong with her eyes.

"After that, in fact, we didn't get much better, we just returned to the previous estrangement and politeness, but she was often bullied by me when I didn't understand the situation myself."

"When I went to the cafeteria, I poured oil soup on her, I deliberately bumped into her when I was walking, and I broke her things in the dormitory... There were too many, but I obviously didn't do anything. I bullied her, bullied her openly and secretly. Once, in front of everyone, she slapped the piano box in front of me, said she couldn't stand me anymore, and then squatted on the ground and cried. I really don't know why. "

"Then my classmates said that the piano was originally paid to her, so why not? It was Fang Jian who broke the piano first, so what if it was expensive? Their family has money and they are willing to buy expensive pianos. They said I If you are sick, treat it when you are sick, don't go crazy in school. The teacher came to mediate, and Zhao Lian said all the good things for me, saying that I didn't do it on purpose, but I was just sick. She played such a role in front of everyone... "

"They began to isolate me. In fact, it didn't affect me much. I didn't need many friends. But you know, they hid in the mosquito net and scolded me, pretending to whisper, but their voice was louder than thunder..."

Fang Jian took a deep breath, "Xiao Lai, do you know that feeling, I am wronged, no one believes me."

Xiao Lai's complexion became heavy, waiting for her follow-up.

The incident broke out one night in early summer. Fang Jian came out of the piano room and met Zhao Lian at the corner of the stairs. She leaned against a wall, as if she had been waiting for a long time.

At that time, Fang Jian was still innocent and ignorant, and was not sensitive to premeditated malice, but because of the series of "being bullied by the campus" incidents that Zhao Lian had fabricated before, Fang Jian really couldn't show any good face to her.

Meeting each other on a narrow road, the dispute that was deliberately provoked was unavoidable, and it was a blind spot of monitoring. The two had physical contact, and Zhao Lian screamed and rolled down the stairs.

Fang Jian foolishly ran towards her, shouting for help, when the crowd gradually gathered, Zhao Lian grabbed her wrist, disappointed and sad, "Why did you push me?"

Fang Jian's nightmare began at that time.

Afterwards, both of them were admitted to the hospital, Zhao Lian broke his leg and was admitted to the provincial hospital, Fang Jian collapsed and was sent to a mental rehabilitation hospital.

She was exhausted physically and mentally, unable to defend herself, and people were only willing to believe what they saw—it was indeed Fang Jian who broke Zhao Lian's piano first.

The Fang family is rich, so if something like this happened, let alone buying a new piano, paying for medical expenses and even four-year university tuition fees would not be difficult, just compensation.

As for Fang Jian, mental illness is not suitable for staying in school, what if she hurts another classmate next time?The school cannot afford this responsibility.

The school asked her to suspend her studies. After two years of suspension, she didn't get better. Her condition worsened. She hurt her hand and couldn't play the piano. There was no need for her to study anymore.

Zhao Lian is hateful, but it is true that Fang Jian dropped her piano first. Fang Jian dropped the piano because of a manic episode. Perhaps Zhao Lian had discovered her poor mental state long ago, so she took the risk of offending all her roommates and crawled before dawn. Get up and play the violin.

Of course she was not playing the violin, but laying bait.

Assuming that Fang Jian is not mentally ill, Fang Jian is not the bait that Zhao Lian lays. Zhao Lian can only continue to do peripheral work to save tuition in order to continue her music dream.

Zhao Lian is a ruthless person, and she is not afraid of throwing herself to death. She is ruthless to herself, and she is also ruthless to others. She is desperate to climb up, at the cost of other people's lives. Her innocence is the most terrifying.

The reason why Fang Jian is still alive is precisely because she is ashamed of everyone.

Fang Jian and Zhao Lian are deformed products of two extreme environments, they are the same but different.

Talking about the past, she was neither sad nor happy. Her parents, sister, and Zhao Lian had all let go, and letting go of others was the only way to truly let go of herself.

"So the bad guy wasn't punished in the end, and your father paid her tuition fees for three years." Xiao Lai's face was gloomy.

"Punishment?" Fang Jian smiled wryly.

The reality is that good people don't live long, and the scourge lasts for thousands of years. They have scheming and artifice, and usually the good people are the ones who are hammered.

"I don't know, I haven't paid attention to her for a long time." Seeing Xiao Lai's expression was unkind, Fang Jian coaxed her cheek to cheek, "It's okay, it's over, am I fine now?"

There are too many things that Xiao Lai can't figure out, school, roommates, Fang Jian's parents, sister, are these people blind?Did Zhao Lian act too well, or did they pretend to be blind on purpose?She was full of indignation and bewilderment.

In fact, she knew that it was because Fang Jian was not valued by her family, because of her illness and the pressure from the school.Especially Fang Zheng, who is selfish and selfish, how could he think that his daughter was wronged?

If Fang Jian was a normal person, she was dumb, stupid, and good-tempered, why did she break Zhao Lian's piano because of a manic attack, and provoke such a person...

It was all Fangzheng and Gu Yinglan's fault.

Xiao Lai can imagine that the preconceived notions of the students are that Fang Jian's family is well-off, mentally disturbed, and prone to violence.And Zhao Lian came from a poor family, worked hard, and had a little talent for learning music. Such a gentle, kind and beautiful girl was pushed down the stairs by a mental illness and broke her leg.

Fang Zheng spoke harshly, Gu Yinglan cried and cried, Fang Jian was stimulated by this, her emotions collapsed, and she became even more insane. Who would have thought that this lunatic was the real victim?

Zhao Lian got what she wanted. How much is the tuition for the Fang family?Not enough to buy a toilet in his house.

What is the most serious consequence of this incident?It was Fang Jian who suspended school, but suspension is not quitting school, she still has to thank the school for saving a spot for you, I wish Fang Jian a speedy recovery and return to school!

But she has long been disheartened, and it is not easy for her to survive, so why would she want to go to school?Everyone in school bullied her, why would she go back?The school is even more eager for her not to go back.

In the end, quitting school was Fang Jian's own idea, and had nothing to do with the school.

How could there be such injustice in this world, how could there be such bad people, how could there be no one to reason with, how much wronged Fang Jian had endured!She is already so miserable!

Xiao Lai was so angry that his liver hurt, and his tears flashed with anger.

"In your Fang family, except for grandparents, one is counted as the other. You are all fucking idiots! Fangzheng and Gu Yinglan don't talk about it, and even Fang Chun can't find out the truth? Are you all not as high as that Zhao Lian?" ? And the school, and the roommates, why no one stood up to help you! They are all blind!"

Xiao Lai hated and felt sad, his chest was bulging with anger, and tears and snot flowed together.

"I'm the mother of all of them!"

Blinking a pair of black eyes without hatred or resentment, Fang Jian opened her arms and hugged her, "It's okay, as long as you love me, I'm fine now."

"I'm not good at all!" Xiao Lai roared, his heart was full of hatred, and his head was full of swords and swords, and the man had been chopped into pieces.

"Zhao Lian, right?" She clenched her back molars, her eyes were bloodshot, "Don't let me meet, or I won't let her go."

The author has something to say:

感谢在2022-06-0821：20：24～2022-06-0922：08：17期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦～感谢投出地雷的小天使：半路打劫的橘猫、19157217、可口可乐、EV、今天也在做梦呢1个；感谢灌溉营养液的小天使：阿饭10瓶；558529533瓶；雨霖、念初凉1瓶；非常感谢大家对我的支持，我会继续努力的！