don't you regret

Gu Yan sat blankly in the dark, the scorching sun burning his body, that question was like a knife splitting his heart.

Thinking of Zhuang Song being with others, thinking of Zhuang Song's smiling face and the blurry figure beside him, the fear of loss and the pain of being helpless almost swallowed his whole body like a sea wave.

In the past three months of self-reflection, my emotions have reached a critical point. Now that I have made up for it, I have almost unreservedly spread out some kind of feelings that Gu Yi has never been able to really face in front of him. Even if he didn't dare to admit it, he had to admit it.

He likes Zhuang Song.

Should have liked it for a long time.

Because when he was 17 years old, he especially liked to pretend to look out the window, but actually saw Zhuang Song who was at the same table at that time, and saw Zhuang Song's fair and beautiful side face when he bowed his head to do the questions.

The moment he thought about this matter clearly, Gu Yan couldn't control his emotions. Just remembering this, Zhuang Song's smiling face appeared in his mind, which made him feel a strong love mixed with pain.

He took out his mobile phone and wanted to dial Zhuang Song, wanted to tell Zhuang Song that he liked him, wanted to ask him if he really wanted to be with someone else, and even wanted to hear Zhuang Song smile and say no, what are you thinking.

But the 11-digit number stayed in the call box for a long time, and Gu Di couldn't really make this call.

Finally, he sighed and put the phone aside.

He can't make this call.

Because the current Zhuang Song doesn't want to pick it up at all, and it's even more impossible to tell him that.

If I have to say it, I can find a reason for Gu Yi's previous denial of his feelings:

His upbringing was rigid, and he still remembers the disgusted and cold look in his father's eyes when he mentioned his cousin who came out.

If Gu Di was really gay, his family might beat him to death, so Gu Di was a bit of a shadow of his childhood, and never dared to think of himself in that direction.

But if you think about it again, you will know that this is not the most fundamental reason.

The fundamental reason is his ego that "as long as I am happy, others don't care".

When he was in high school, he really never thought about that aspect because of these shadows, so it was probably a two-way crush at that time, and he could barely take the blame.

But at least in junior year, when Zhuang Song and Xia Jiahe watched a movie, when his mentality collapsed, no matter how dull people were, they could feel the signs of themselves because of the momentary anger and loss.

But he refused to think about it, pushing all the reasons to "homophobia".

And a few months ago, when I heard Zhuang Song say that I like it, I was obviously happy in my heart, but in order to maintain this reputation, I refused without hesitation.

Every time he took the initiative to let go of Zhuang Song, he put on a high air, and only had that ridiculous self in his mind. Only this time, it was Zhuang Song who didn't want him, and he suddenly understood it all.

So, he didn't think about Xia Jia and that matter before, but after that, he was stingy with Zhuang Song because he was really treating him well.

If you really dare not like it because of family reasons, you should stay away decisively and stop engaging in these specious ambiguities. If you want to engage in ambiguity, you should face up to your emotions.

In the final analysis, he relied on Zhuang Song to like him and would not leave him. He just thought that as long as he was happy, he didn't have to put any burden on himself, and he refused to give Zhuang Song any serious feelings.

Gu Di didn't know when he picked up the phone again, the light from the fluorescent screen hit his face, and the 11-digit number was beating.His mind was full of the owner of the number, and he couldn't control himself from being distracted, sad and regretful.

Regret is regret for what you did.

Sadness is because of making Zhuang Song sad.

Zhuang Song really liked him before, and Gu Yan knew it himself.

But how did he treat Zhuang Song?

Because I feel happy staying with Zhuang Song, I get close to Zhuang Song on my own, but because of the family situation, I dare not face my true heart, so I always refuse to think deeply, and use the term "good friend" to prevaricate, even He proudly refused him saying "two men can't be together".

It's not that he couldn't see Zhuang Song's loss, but he thought that Zhuang Song would still be by his side anyway, so he continued.

Because Zhuang Song said "If you don't believe me, watch the replay", he suddenly became angry and refused to watch it. The two had a cold war for several days, which was obviously his own problem.

I clearly put Zhuang Song very seriously in my heart, but sometimes I feel that "I can't take it so seriously", so I deliberately ignore him without replying to the message.

Because the other people around Zhuang Song were jealous again and again, but every time they were jealous, they refused to admit it, they only knew how to say cruel words, which became more and more excessive.

What he wanted was never "reconciliation", "being friends", it was just the two of them together.But he refused to think about it, refused to admit it, and even arrogantly and foolishly thought it was a charity for Zhuang Song.

It wasn't until Zhuang Song got angry, how sad Zhuang Song was, that after they broke up, he would break down emotionally and yell at him, scolding him in a crying voice.

What a beast he is.

Gu Yan used to think that he was already very kind to Zhuang Song, and often felt that his temper towards Zhuang Song was due to a man's self-esteem or desire to win, but now he understands how naive that idea is, to put it bluntly, he just likes the word.

Because he likes it, he is considerate and fragile, but because he is selfish and dare not face his heart, his ego magnifies that fragility, and the original ten times the hurt becomes a hundred times.

As long as he admits his feelings earlier, things will not become so distorted, there will be no so-called "double standards", and there will be no so-called "bargaining chips".

But it's too late to say anything now, he didn't mean that, but what Zhuang Song suffered was really that pain, so he must also confess that guilt.

He obviously likes it, but what he gives to his sweetheart is only liking the selfish, ugly and painful side inside.

Gu Yi thought that Zhuang Song was right in scolding him, he was an idiot, the ultimate invincible kind.

Just thinking about it, a gentle voice sounded from the speaker of the mobile phone, with a little tiredness: "What's the matter?"

In the silent night, Gu Di was in a trance, almost thinking that he was dreaming.

But then he looked at the fluorescence on the phone screen and realized that this was not a time reversal, back to the time when they could still talk on the phone, but he accidentally dialed Zhuang Song's number in a daze.

At that moment, Gu Yan was stunned. He didn't expect that Zhuang Song would really answer the phone call at this juncture. Then he thought that Zhuang Song would still answer the phone in this situation. Such a gentle person was hurt by him, and he was sad. It was terrible.

And he really didn't want to make this call, he didn't want to disturb Zhuang Song, but he still did, too bad, just like he casually stabbed Zhuang Song again and again.

"I slipped my hand and pressed the wrong button, really, I'm sorry." Gu Yi repeatedly apologized guiltily, "I'm sorry for disturbing your rest."

"It's okay." Zhuang Song smiled, "Then I hang up?"

Gu Yi really wanted to stop Zhuang Song from talking for a while, but when he thought that Zhuang Song's voice would disappear immediately, he felt so lost that the whole world was lost.

But he knew that it was too much for him to accidentally call out, and disturbed Zhuang Song's rest. He wanted to beg, but he didn't dare to ask for anything.

But there is only one thing, Gu Yan couldn't help asking: "Wait a minute, just... are you going to fall in love?"

Zhuang Song was taken aback: "No."

The call lasted only a dozen seconds, hung up the phone, and returned to the darkness.

Hearing that Zhuang Song said that he didn't want to fall in love, Gu Yan didn't feel much relieved. Instead, the sudden 1V1 dialogue, Zhuang Song's voice and tone brought all his love, guilt and heartache to the peak.

Gu Yan closed his eyes, and in the dark, he couldn't help thinking about the past with Zhuang Song, Zhuang Song's kindness to him, Zhuang Song's gentle smile, and the stupid things he did.

The scene just now was very similar to the phone call they made in the middle of the night before. At that time, Zhuang Song's tone would be a little softer than now, probably because he liked it, and he would smile lightly, saying "Why don't you go to bed?", "Go to bed early ".

The more Gu Yan thought about it, the more he regretted it. The past happened one after another, and he regretted it so much that his heart ached to death.

He regretted why when Zhuang Song still looked at him and smiled cutely, and asked him "Do you want to try together", he didn't understand his mood, even because of the ridiculous insistence of "I can't be gay" , saying "two men can't be together".

Now he wants to go back and slap himself at that time, warning himself that he must say "yes".

No, it should be to take the initiative to confess to Zhuang Song, tell Zhuang Song how much you like him, say that is the couple ID, beg him to be with you, and then cherish him and don't make him angry and make him sad.

He would watch the replay as soon as possible, and then immediately knelt down to admit that he was wrong, so as not to let Zhuang Song be wronged, and would warn himself that no matter what game he played, he had to reply to Zhuang Song's news, and Zhuang Song was obviously the number one.

At that grand ceremony, he would never leave Zhuang Song there alone, and there would be no jealousy later, and even if he was angry, a stern face would be enough, and he must not say anything unscrupulous to Zhuang Song.

But time will not turn back, and it is useless to say anything now.

Gu Yan closed his eyes, feeling so distressed that he couldn't restrain himself.

He doesn't deserve liking at all, his liking has thorns.

First he stabbed Zhuang Song, and finally all the pain returned to himself.

When he finally knew that he liked Zhuang Song, Zhuang Song didn't need him to like him anymore.

He finally knew where he was wrong, and when he wanted to correct his mistakes and learn to be nice to Zhuang Song, Zhuang Song didn't want to give him another chance.

But he couldn't let it go.

No matter what, it's impossible to let go.