little beast

Shaoqing talked with Sheng Shuangxu during class break, Shen Chengan didn't know the content of their conversation, and Shen Chengan didn't have a chance to talk to Shaoqing, until lunch break, he found Shaoqing secretly smoking on the rooftop.

This was almost a secret place they had agreed upon. When Shao Qing smoked, he would either be on the playground or on the rooftop. There were very few people in these two places. Shen Chengan didn't know how to smoke, so he watched Shao Qing light his cigarettes.

When Shen Chengan came over, Shaoqing was twisting cigarette butts on the plaster floor.

Shao Qing stood up silently, with both arms resting casually on the railing of the roof.

His school uniform jacket was not zipped, and when the wind blew, the fabric on his back caught the wind, as if it could take him off.

Shen Chengan felt that Shao Qing was going to fly away from his fingertips in the next moment, Shao Qing didn't belong to him at all, he couldn't catch it no matter what.

Shaoqing squinted at him and asked, "Why do you like me?"

Shen Chengan's back froze, things had developed to such a point, Shaoqing also rejected him, his shyness meant nothing, he could only truthfully say: "...you praised my eyes for being beautiful."

Shaoqing smiled lightly, facing the wind, Shen Chengan couldn't even hear his voice clearly.

Shao Qing said: "Shen Cheng'an, I already knew that we are the same kind of people."

At this moment, Shaoqing could still laugh.

"I'm sick, I'm very sick, I'm a madman who will die without love--and you too, when love dries up, we're all going to go crazy, you're so much like me, that's why I don't like you."

No, Shen Chengan thought, he only likes Shaoqing, even if Shaoqing doesn't like him, he won't go crazy.

Shen Chengan loves the Shaoqing in his head, he doesn't know this real person breathing in front of him at all.

"I talked to Teacher Sheng, and I told him that I don't like you," the teaching building has six floors, and the students in the square downstairs walked back and forth like ants, Shao Qing stared at the scenery at the bottom of the building, with blank eyes, "He You still have to press me and ask me if I’m gay.”

"Shen Chengan, why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me that he tolerated you?"

Shen Chengan was dumbfounded.

Sheng Shuangxu clumsily tore open Shaoqing's wound, as if asking him to show him his bloody heart.

Facing Sheng Shuangxu's innocent, purely worried eyes, Shao Qing lied.

"I'm not in a position to reprimand you, so I lied to him too, and I said I wasn't. He looked like he was relieved."

Shen Cheng'an didn't understand Shao Qing's melancholy.

Such a proud person is like a different person when talking about Sheng Shuangxu, he always suppresses his sadness like this.

Shen Chengan said: "But...he got married very early."

Shaoqing lived in his own lonely and empty world, he didn't seem to care much about Sheng Shuangxu's marriage, and said: "No, he must be the same as us, but why is he so afraid of us?"

Shao Qingyuan was even crazier than Shen Chengan imagined.

"I'm getting farther and farther away from him, farther and farther away...I realize that I can't catch up with him in this life. What's the point of living like this?"

Shao Qing suddenly turned his head, his fingers supported his cheeks, his slender body was shaking, Shen Chengan felt that he would slip off the railing in the blink of an eye.

"It's because he doesn't want to be like us, and he doesn't want to love me."

Shen Chengan felt that he no longer cared whether Shaoqing could love him or not, he just wanted to get everything back on track, he heard himself saying: "Why?"

Why do you like people like Sheng Shuangxu?

Shaoqing knew what he was asking, they were the same kind of people, and they had a tacit understanding with each other.

"I don't know," Shaoqing said with clear and pure eyes, "maybe it's because I haven't seen my father a few times in my life, and my mother and stepfather have a younger brother——until now, he's the only one who cares about me."

They rarely talked about these topics, Shao Qing was not willing to talk about it, and Shen Chengan was also unwilling to ask.

At this moment, Shen Chengan felt a dull pain in his heart because of the interlude between them - it was jealousy and resentment.

At that time, Shen Chengan comforted himself not to think that way, but the dark jealousy still swept him like a tide.

Sheng Shuangxu looked like this to every one of his students, his heart was divided evenly and equally, it was not worthy of Shaoqing's special concern at all.

Shaoqing looked at Shen Chengan who was stunned, and sighed: "...that's right, how do you understand? People pay attention to me, either because of work, or because they are afraid that I will cause trouble if I die. He is the only one who treats me sincerely. good person."

Shen Chengan quibbled and said: "You are not love, you just regard him as your father."

Shao Qing shook her head: "Shen Cheng'an, you said that you like me because I praised your eyes, but can you tell whether your love for me is gratitude, or the exciting and fresh feeling that someone said that for the first time?"

Shen Chengan's throat was dry and he couldn't speak.

They were silent with each other for a while.

"Forget everything except God." Shao Qing drew a cross on his chest, in a joking tone, but there was no smile in his eyes, "You must not go crazy like me."

These were the last words they said.

It is also the last last note in Shaoqing's diary.

—“Forget everything but God.”

Shaoqing can't forget that when he found out that his illusion about Sheng Shuangxu was disillusioned, he decided to take the broken stone in his heart and rush to death.

His love is paranoid and pathological, and he, who has never received anyone's attention or attention, wants to use his own death to carve a deep scar for Sheng Shuangxu. This is Shaoqing's last struggle in his life.

He failed.Shen Chengan knew very well that after a long time, his death became the topic of conversation for countless people after dinner, and it became the chalk dust of countless blackboard writing written by Sheng Shuangxu, which would be scattered when the wind blows.

Sheng Shuangxu covered his cheeks in pain.

Shen Chengan spoke very cryptically, he was deliberately avoiding Shao Qing's emotional description of Sheng Shuangxu, which still stimulated Sheng Shuangxu.

Sheng Shuangxu said: "I... I really couldn't accept it at that time, and I didn't want him to become like that."

Sheng Shuangxu tried his best to make himself live like a normal person, but the obscure and indelible brand was imprinted on his sister and students one after another, and would even accompany him for the rest of his life.

Shen Chengan was silent for a while, then clamped Sheng Shuangxu's chin violently, forcing him to raise his head and look at him.

Sheng Shuangxu's eyes were red, he didn't wear glasses, and the prescription was very dark, his eyes couldn't focus, so he cast his gaze on Shen Chengan's blurred face with watery eyes.

Shen Cheng quietly looked at Sheng Shuangxu.

His teacher is very thin, but the flesh on his face is very soft, his small chin is stuck in Shen Chengan's tiger's mouth, like a docile sheep, even when Shen Chengan plucked his hair, he could not make a sound, only cried softly, clinging softly in his arms.

Shen Chengan seldom talked so much with Sheng Shuangxu, maybe it was the effect of alcohol, he had to say a lot of things that he would not normally say.

Shen Chengan said: "Teacher, you always do things that you think are good for us. You don't understand your students at all."

"I trust you so much, but you broke your promise again and again. I beg you not to tell anyone. You still called my mother."

"Because of your 'kind' call, I was thrown into the treatment center for more than a year. My mother cut out Shaoqing's headshot from the class photo and sent it to my doctor, saying that he was my adulterous object— — trying to force me to fall in love with women."

Shen Chengan didn't go into details, he didn't want to go into details, and he was too ashamed to say it, as if it would expose his weakness. They used various methods to destroy the Shaoqing in Shen Chengan's mind, and made him suffer physical and psychological pain over and over again. Double torture and devastation.

"Are you satisfied? Teacher Sheng, I'm safe. I can't fall in love with anyone now. Hearing a man's voice can make me spit it out."

Sheng Shuangxu was crying obviously, but his eyes were still dry. He imagined Shen Chengan's pain and tried to empathize with him. He choked up and said, "I... I'm sorry."

He can only repeat "sorry" thinly over and over again.

For Shen Cheng'an, Sheng Shuangxu's sorry didn't make any sense.

Shen Chengan didn't want to see Sheng Shuangxu weeping cowardly, just as he let go, two slender arms wrapped around Shen Chengan's waist like snakes, and Sheng Shuangxu curled up in his arms, trying his best to tighten his arms.

There was a thin layer of pajamas between Shen Chengan and Sheng Shuangxu, but it seemed like nothing was separating him, his skin was hot as if on fire.

Sheng Shuangxu's tears soaked Shen Chengan's chest, moist and warm.

"Shen Chengan, you can do anything to me." All Shen Chengan saw was the fair nape of Sheng Shuangxu's neck. He hung his head, his hair softly sticking to his skin, "What should I pay— —I'm left with myself."