I'm a scumbag

Some people say: Lovers cannot be friends after breaking up, because they have hurt each other, and lovers cannot be enemies after breaking up, because they loved each other deeply.

What's wrong with me today?Why hurt him like this, we used to love each other, didn't we?When we say goodbye, we should sit together calmly, make a cup of coffee and talk about the encounters we have had over the years, and then shake hands and say goodbye, shouldn’t we?

Twenty degrees of cold water can extinguish my anger and restore my calmness. I found that the devil has gone away, and the memories are all the good times.I love him, always have loved him, more than anyone else in the world.

But what did I do just now?What a beast!

The light in the bedroom has been turned off, and the quilt is covering Han Yu's step. I think he must have fallen asleep. After all, it has been more than two hours, and no one will wait for you willingly.

I didn't bother him, and lay beside me thinking deeply in the dark.The wind from the air conditioner was too cool, so I stretched out my hand to cover him with a quilt, just like I did back then.He sniffled repressedly, turned his body to one side with his back to me, and tightly grasped the quilt on his body.

"Sleep." I told him.

Very tired, very tired, physically, mentally, so tired that I want to make people sleep for a long time.But I watched his back for several hours without closing my eyes.

There is only one person in this world who can make me an idiot, and his name is Han Yu!He is lying next to me right now, completely naked.It's been seven years, and I haven't met anyone in these seven years. I seem to have lost the characteristics of being a man, and I can't arouse any interest in any opposite sex, and I have no feeling for the same sex.I thought I was sick, both physically and mentally, I thought I would never get better in this life.Until today I met him again.

God knows how attractive that body is to me. I feel like I'm going to be burned by some kind of fire, from the inside out, and I can't control it at all.

It was at three o'clock in the morning that I finally couldn't bear it and moved over and hugged him from behind. At that moment, I was satisfied and wanted to end my life immediately, and keep everything in the most beautiful moment at this moment.

I entered his body, while he was asleep.

"Xiaoyu~Xiaoyu~..." I kept calling his name over and over again, merging my body with his body perfectly, how I wanted to be completely one with him , never separate.

"Don't you think I'm dirty?"

I knew he had woken up a long time ago, but he had been silent all the time.I shook my head, and kissed his neck tenderly, but he shoved a plastic package into my hand in an ugly way, "Take it, be safe."

I threw that thing far away, pinching his chin to give him a suffocating feeling.The breath is as refreshing as memory, I like this taste, I like it like crazy.

None of us ever said a word except to do it.Time and time again, round after round, from the bed to the sofa, from the balcony to the bathroom, seven years of abstinence, once vented, one can imagine how crazy I was, crazy to the point where he passed out and I didn't stop .

I hurt him and after cleaning I medicated him.The medicine was found in his pocket, only half left, and it seemed that he carried it with him only because of constant need.My heart was pulled hard, and after the pain for no reason, it was full of hatred.

It was dawn, and a white light penetrated through the gap in the floor-to-ceiling curtains, just in time for me to look at his face carefully.

In fact, the seven years have really changed a lot. He has grown a little taller, but he is still so thin. The little bit of cute baby fat on his face has disappeared, replaced by a dull complexion, with two lines between his eyebrows. Fine lines that shouldn't appear at this age.The originally thick hair was much thinner, and there were still a few hairs on the pillow.I think it should be related to often staying up late.

There is a large green patch on the back of the hand, which is obviously a bruise left after the infusion.Is he sick?Why didn't I find out last night?

I sat on the edge of the bed and stroked his sleeping face, and refused to stop for a long time. I was afraid that this was a dream, and I was afraid that the sudden appearance of a certain sound or a certain change would awaken this dream.

Seven years have passed with the flick of a finger.I thought that I no longer cared about him, I thought that I hated him so much that I would even despise my ridiculous first love when I was young.But at this time, I realized that everything was just my self-deception.

I love him, right now!

"Aren't you asleep?" He opened his eyes and looked at me blankly, with no expression on his face.

I nodded, "I don't want to sleep."

"If you're not used to it, I can go now."

"It's just that I can't sleep, don't think too much about it." I covered the quilt for him, and patted him lightly, "I'm sorry, I treated you like that last night."

"It's okay, I'm used to it."

My heart tightened, and even my eyebrows were knit together, "Why didn't you come to me?" After a pause, he explained, "I mean, are you in trouble now? Why don't you come to me?"

He smiled and said lightly: "Didn't you say that we will never communicate with each other?"

He spoke very casually, as if he was talking about other people's affairs without any sadness at all.But it made me feel very guilty, "I said that just...you know the situation at the time, I was just angry for a while."

"I know...but that's what's in your heart." He sighed and moved to the pillow. "Actually, I'm doing well, so you don't have to pity me."

"If you are really in trouble, just tell me, I will help if I can, after all...after all, we met once."

He shook his head, "I mean it, I'm fine now, no problems."

"I've heard about the Gu family, have you been implicated in something?"

"Heh, you're thinking too much. It's purely my own wish to do this. Life is too boring. I just want to find some excitement."

"You're not that kind of person." But I didn't have the confidence to say this, and I found that I didn't understand him at all.

"Is it clear in your heart... Li..." He paused, showing a recalled expression, "Oh, by the way, it's Li Kai, sorry, I almost lost your name Forgot." He smiled, "It's been so long, don't deceive yourself, you know who I am, otherwise I wouldn't have followed Gu Feng back then."

He was right, maybe I didn't see him clearly from the beginning, but I couldn't let him go after I saw him clearly.Because I'm already stuck, and this trap is likely to be a lifetime. "...Is it still possible for us?" This sentence blurted out, and even I felt abrupt after I finished speaking, and after thinking about it, I added, "I want to say, after all, we used to have feelings. If If this has not changed, can we... You know that I have that ability now, and I have everything I need, of course, it is still much worse than Gu Feng..."

The more I spoke, the more chaotic I became, and in the end I didn’t even know how to organize my words. Han Yu stopped me at the right time, "You also know that it was just once. In fact, I said what I should say seven years ago, just a little bit. It’s gone long ago. Li Kai, we’re not young anymore, we should be mature, let’s let the past go.”

"But I don't want you to humiliate yourself like this."

"Everyone has their own way of life, I don't think it's cheating."

His tone was a little heavy, and I think those two words must have made him unhappy, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I meant to say, you can live in another way, and you can find a job with your academic qualifications to earn money." It won't be lower than doing this."

"Stop talking, I don't want to hear it!" He was really impatient, straightened up and was about to get out of bed, "I should go back."

I hurriedly grabbed his hand and begged sincerely, "Can you stay with me for a while longer?"

"I don't think it's necessary. The time has come."

"Xiaoyu~" I haven't said this name for a long time. The moment I blurted it out, I seem to have returned to those days when we first met. Looking at the other person's face like now, I only want to imprint the other person's face deeply in my mind. ,"I really miss you."

He hesitated, turned his face away for a long time before saying, "I go to work at five o'clock in the evening."

It's ten o'clock in the morning, and there are still seven hours left. Use seven hours to end the seven years of grievances and grievances, "enough."

I lay down next to him, hugged his body from behind, hugged him hard, and greedily inhaled the smell of his body.Maybe he was pitying me. After a long time, he was finally willing to turn around and shrink into my arms like a child, just like we used to. "......sorry!"

I remember those were the last words he said to me that day.

I still didn’t fall asleep for seven hours. After four o’clock in the afternoon, I got up and took out 3000 yuan from my wallet, even though I knew that boy had already paid for the night package.I put the wad of money and a business card side by side on the bedside table, then threw myself in the bathroom, smoking a cigarette while sitting on the toilet.

I left a multiple-choice question for Han Yu, which is also a gamble concerning the rest of his life and mine.

I want him to choose to take that card and I want him to know that whenever he wants to come to me he can find me.No matter how bad it is, I hope that he will take away my business card while taking the money, at least it will give me some hope in the days to come.Or, take nothing away and give me a reason to go to him.

I heard him get up, get dressed, finally open the door and leave.

I walked out of the bathroom, ignoring everything around me and nervously set my eyes on the bedside table.

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