East Berlin's June Boat Song

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He's not going to die, he's just in a mess.

I was surprised at his impulsiveness at first, but later I realized that for a proud man like him, willing to sink into the wet and get up from the river by himself, making a fool of himself in front of everyone, is tantamount to a kind of self-punishment.

He was using his whereabouts to fill the gap in his heart caused by guilt, thinking that it would make him feel better.Little did he know that the pain in his heart made him jump a thousand or ten thousand times, and the icy river couldn't extinguish the scorching flame in his heart.

But he had to hide.

Later, he caught a small cold, and jumped into the icy river at minus ten degrees to relapse his old disease left during the war. He developed a high fever in the hotel where we stayed.But he didn't care at all that I just stood on the embankment and looked at him indifferently, and even got into the car by himself before he got up.

Of course, only Alyosha and the guards who guarded him in the dark were frightened in this little farce.The person involved was very satisfied, because he said that although I didn't save him, he saw my eyes and betrayed that I was worried about him.

In the hotel, he was lying on the bed, slumped in a soft pillow, his cheeks had the color of a sunset glow because of the fever, there was a smile in his blurred eyes, and his lips were rosy and bright, forming a seductive arc.He took my hand and put it on his face.

"Look, I'm running a fever," he said. "If you're still this cold, now's the right time to cool me down."

He pulled me into bed like a child, untied my clothes and held me in his arms.His body was like a piece of red-hot coal. I silently pressed against his chest and heard him sigh in satisfaction.

After sleeping in each other's arms for one night, the fever subsided as expected the next day.So in the next few days we drove to the Winter Palace, Kazan Cathedral and other famous attractions, and left the first photo with him under the bronze statue on Decembrist Square.In the photo, we are wearing Soviet-style tunics and standing side by side. When he faced the camera for the first time, he showed a happy smile. Smile lightly.

We looked like a pair of brothers who went on a trip, with deep feelings. After all, the older brother seemed to always hold the disobedient younger brother in his arms, for fear that something might happen to him and he would get lost in the crowd.

In the hotel that night, he took out the photo and looked at it under the light for a long time.

"I always thought that you should be the one with that smile." He looked at me standing in front of the window.

"It's no different, Julian, as long as it's a smile, no matter whose face it shines on, it will be welcomed by the world."

He carefully stuffed the photo into his wallet, stood up and hugged me behind me.

"Then it's up to me to decide the next itinerary."

I nodded lightly: "OK."

He sniffed my neck, took a bite, and said with a smile, "You know what? I'm very happy today."

"When you caress the pattern on the railing on the canal bridge and stare at the river, your expression is very happy. Seeing your happiness makes me happy."

"Really?" I chuckled in disbelief: "It's incredible to hear that from your mouth."

"I really want you to be happy, it's true."

"Then you should let me go, Julian. Don't you mean anything else by bringing me to the Soviet Union?"

"Who are the guards hiding in the dark to guard against? As a general, your itinerary should be kept secret. Why are you walking on the street with me ostentatiously? Who are you showing, Julian?"

I poked his chest and smiled helplessly: "Don't treat me like a fool anymore."

"But who is watching now?" He held my face in one hand and closed the curtain with the other: "Tell me, who is watching now?"

Dazed for a moment, I almost fell into his affectionate green eyes again, I broke away in a panic, and said impatiently: "I don't know, and I don't want to know, if I can, I'd rather be a fool, but you guys taught me so much."

I took two steps, unable to calm down the burning emotions, and turned to him and pressed him against the window: "You knew before that I was investigating you and Richard, but you didn't stop me, no, even It was also your guidance to take me to Poland to save George...Why? Julian, you can obviously keep me completely in the dark."

"I can't bear to treat you that way." He met my angry gaze, his green eyes trembling so painfully: "At our level, it is impossible to do anything pure. There may be many reasons for one thing. , To achieve many goals, it is often difficult to explain clearly in a few words. Even though it is using you, how can it be pure malice to use your mood..."

"So you feel pity for me?" I laughed. "Julian, is everything you do pity? Treat me like a lover, kiss me, make love, is pity?"

"It's just your hypocritical emotion to appease your so-called conscience. Do you think I want this disgusting pity?"

I put my head down on his chest, crying and said: "You have failed my love, my love for you is nothing to you, only in exchange for your sympathy, but your sympathy hurts others one person……"

"But you, why don't you think in another direction..." He said in a daze, "Why do you think I'm so hypocritical, I brought you to the Soviet Union just for show? Maybe I have always... It's always been..."

I raised my eyes to look at him, his eyes became flustered when the eyes met, his words stopped suddenly, and he pushed me away from him: "Forget Rhine, whatever you think, it doesn't change the fact that you are with me, It doesn't matter whether you think I'm acting or not. Rhine, drama is just like life, it's up to me to take it seriously or not."

"As for your pain, I believe that time can heal. I will do my best to take care of you, accompany you, and protect you. If I have to give you any promises, I can only say that no one will dare to hurt you again. you."

I looked up with a smile and looked at him with tears in my eyes: "The only one who hurt me is you now."

"How can something in a person's heart withstand such manipulation?"

He panicked again, turned around, and said in a low voice, "I didn't..."

His back with his head lowered was as heavy as a white-naped crane injured in a swamp, and he folded his wings tightly to look at himself in pity, and let out a silent lament.The clenched fists trembled imperceptibly, the joints turned white, and the veins on the back of the hands seemed to be torn apart in the next second.

I looked at him with unbearable heartache. It was obvious that his conscience was being whipped, but I felt the same.Because his pain is contagious, and I can't ignore it.

He was right, I just didn't want to, and not wanting to change anything.

I still love him sadly and hopelessly.

That night, he dealt with official business all night in the living room and barely slept.In the early morning, he left briefly, and locked the door intimately before leaving.Of course, I was basically sleepless in bed.

When he came back at noon, I was dreaming in bed, and he helped me up and gave me a sip of milk.

"Why didn't you eat something?" He looked at the intact breakfast on the table and said reproachfully, "You need to gain weight."

His mood has become much clearer, but I don't want to ask why.

"Let's set off for Moscow in the afternoon. The itinerary has been arranged." He picked up a napkin to wipe the milk from the corner of my mouth, and picked up a lock of my brown hair: "Your hair has grown a lot too. Go and trim it later. You buy a new suit."

I stared at him suspiciously. He seemed to be defeated, and said kindly: "Well, Rhine, since the established reality cannot be changed, why not accept it calmly and be happier?"

"At least, I'm giving you my heart and soul now." He kissed me on the lips and said, "Get dressed and go out."

He picked out a gray Chester coat for me in a store. Standing in front of the mirror, he straightened my collar and put on the New Year's scarf that Sasha sent us.

"Very well, I think Sasha will be very happy to see it." His smile was so clear that there was no doubt that this sentence implied other meanings.

"But he sent it to you." I said, "I've always had that one at home."

"Well, what's mine is yours."

He stretched out his hand and smoothed my trimmed hair, with obvious pampering in his eyes, and said with a smile: "This looks very beautiful and energetic, I like it very much."

In the afternoon, we drove to Moscow Railway Station in Leningrad. This railway station, which was put into use in 1851, is located at the intersection of Nevsky Avenue and Ligov Avenue. It has light yellow exterior walls and arched windows. There is a very beautiful bell tower at the top, which reminds people of Notre Dame de Paris on the Seine.The bright red party flag fluttered on the blue top of the clock tower, and the melodious Katyusha was played on the radio.

I hummed along with the tune, and Julian carried my luggage and led me onto the platform of the Moscow Railway Station. Not long after, a green train came with its whistle, with elegant lines and a big red star on the front.

The Soviets like this kind of green train, shuttling through the birch forest, it is as beautiful as a landscape painting.

His identity does not allow us to take ordinary carriages. Logically speaking, he cannot take public transportation at all.The itinerary of a senior Soviet officer was a secret to the entire military, but he said that he wanted to see the scenery along the way with me.So Alyosha and the others could only buy tickets for a whole carriage.The security personnel took their seats scattered, surrounding him and me while maintaining an appropriate distance.

"Bureaucracy," I said to him.

He shrugged: "In terms of bureaucracy, it's not as simple as buying a ticket for a carriage."

We traveled along the October Railway to Moscow, and the beauty along the way was jaw-dropping.I admired it with relish all the way, and from time to time he would point to something and explain it to me.

"Look, there is a farm in the field." He said with a smile, "It looks very close, but once we jumped off the train, Sasha broke his leg, and I carried him for a long time before I got there .”

"At that time, I thought his bones were broken. You know, we don't have time to recuperate. The Cheka will not raise people for nothing. Later, I found out that he was only scratched by a stone. I sewed stitches for him. He also said that my stitches were ugly."

Julian laughed, as if saying something inconsequential.But I can clearly see the pain looming in his eyes, and I can't feel any jealousy, only heartache.

I feel sorry for him, and I feel sorry for Sasha.I can't imagine what kind of darkness they have experienced since childhood, which has caused their hearts to be broken now, and they can only find comfort in each other.

"Birch forest." When the train passed by a birch forest, I called out excitedly: "Look! It's a birch forest!"

"Well, birch forest." He nodded with a smile.

"Does Sasha like the birch forest the most?" I turned my head and asked him, "He once said that the boy walked side by side in the birch forest, was it with you?"

"Yes, with me."

"I can imagine you walking in the birch forest, it must be beautiful..." I forced a smile, my heart was full of envy.

Very good, really, two beautiful teenagers walked side by side in this forest, stepped on the soft fallen leaves, looked at each other with a smile, he brushed the hair blown to his forehead by the wind for him, and he took off the hair on his shoulders for him. Maybe they will still kiss, leaning on the tree trunk, pursing their lips and chuckling, kissing shyly.

It's really good, I can't feel jealous, even envy is humble.Their equal and profound feelings are enshrined willingly by me, lifted to an untouchable height.

"That's one of the few good memories we have." He held my hand with a light smile, his eyes were rippling with pain shining brightly: "The road Sasha and I have traveled is a road you can't imagine."

"You love each other very much, you shouldn't have me between you."

"No...it's not like that, we did love, but up to now, no one can tell whether that relationship is still love...There are many things happened between us, some things melt our lives into each other, and we can no longer Let go easily, and there are some things, but we can never really have each other."

He turned my face, looked straight into my eyes, and prepared to explain to me sincerely for the first time.

"We love each other very much because we supported each other and walked a very hard way. We couldn't survive without each other. Since we abandoned our parents and left the Gulag, we have only each other in this world. But what is the Cheka? A place? It is too cruel for children, the blood stained on our hands cannot be washed off no matter what, in order to survive, we have to sink and become numb, forcefully forget the softness in our hearts, and become what we hate the most.”

He seemed to choke up, and it was the first time I saw him showing a different kind of fragility, and I clenched his hand unconsciously.

"We can't really have each other, because we can always see ourselves in each other, and in this world, we hate ourselves the most. Hate ourselves for leaving our parents alive, hate ourselves for killing people, hate ourselves for gradually becoming vicious Ruthless. Every kiss, yes, Rhine, we will kiss, and the bitterness seeping from each other's lips makes us tremble..."

"In addition," his voice trembled, as if it would be broken in the next second: "I'm sorry for Sasha, although I never really left him, to some extent, I left him... ..."

"It's hateful, Rhine. I threatened him not to leave me, but I left him. Otherwise, why am I in this position now?"

"Julian, you..." My heart throbbed in pain, his sadness was about to overflow, and I couldn't breathe.

His Adam's apple slid up and down, suppressing the vibration of his voice, and then laughed again: "Rhein, maybe in the future you will gradually understand that feelings are very complicated and cannot be defined by yes or no, should or should not, I have always been not as clear as he in this aspect. But I can feel that Sasha loves you now."

"He loves you very much, I can see it in his eyes." He stroked my temple hair: "But to be honest, I do worry about him being hurt, which is why I don't allow you to be too close to him. Richard De Helms is a cunning fox, he will not give up on you, if he succeeds in instigating you, how sad Sasha will be."

"But if Sasha loves me, won't you be sad?"

"Sad, not because he fell in love with you." He hugged me into his arms and whispered in my ear: "It's sad because he can't get your love"

"Because I am selfish after all, Rhine, your love can only belong to me."