East Berlin's June Boat Song

===========================

On a sunny afternoon when I was a child, I still remember the sweetness of icing sugar in the air and the faint fragrance of flowers in the wind.

I sat on the rattan chair in the yard, watching the cornflowers under my feet blooming in full bloom, this kind of flower that Germans love most, stretching its tender purple petals in the sun, I raised my head, the sun was sparsely shining through the oak trees It landed on my face sparsely, and a beautiful little chrysanthemum bird jumped on the tree trunk.

It looked at me curiously with its big eyes, and the bright yellow on its forehead was like a flower in an olive grove.

I stretched out my hand, and it flapped its little wings and landed on my palm.

I exclaimed in surprise, and happily called Anna to come to see it. Anna came from the piano room with her skirt in her hand, squatted beside me and said, "It wants to make friends with you!"

So, I have such a friend.A little chrysanthemum, I catch worms and feed it, if there are no worms I get some crumbs, or icing, always, I never let my dear friend go hungry.

It is very clingy to me, and even thinking about it now, I still find it amazing that a bird can be so clingy.

I ran in the yard, and it flew around me. We were like a natural pair, and every step was so in sync.

Until that winter, it couldn't stand up anymore, no matter how I took care of it, fed it worms, or even took it to the doctor, it couldn't fly up and play with me like before.Then on a cold morning, Xiao Daiju's stiff body fell coldly on the window sill.

It left me forever.

I was very sad, the first time I experienced such sadness.I didn't even dare to look up at the sky for fear of seeing other birds.But Anna picked me up, wiped my tears, and carried me to the bed.

"Sleep." She patted my back gently: "Sleep, my child, all the sorrows will stay in the dream."

"After waking up, everything will be back to normal."

So I fell asleep and slept for a long time. When I woke up again, a small sculpture appeared on the bedside.

—A lovely olive chrysanthemum bird.

Holding the small sculpture in my hand, I laughed. Although my eyes were still hazy with tears, I was no longer sad.Because I know that it is not dreams that can take away all the sadness, but love from Anna.

It was her love that saved me.

So, I continued to dream that when I woke up, I could see a pair of eyes full of love.She will hug me tenderly and tell it all will pass, and she will save me, in the river of sorrow.

No, everything ceased to exist.

I woke up with fever and pain and saw an empty prison cell.Blood stains dried on the floor, and dim light seeped in from the hallway.I am aware that death is attacking this body, but I am not afraid, and even enjoy it.

But I don't want to die in this place.

Struggling to stand up, I stumbled and climbed to the utility room. The early morning light fell in through the glass window, light golden with a little indigo.It turned out to be another morning.

How many mornings have passed?I don't know, maybe one, maybe two, maybe... there have been countless.

There was no one in the yard at the moment, I passed through smoothly, and then walked out of the white mansion, it was strange that there was no one there.Yes yes, they fought a good fight, isn't something big going to happen?Very busy, yes, everyone is very busy, don't care about me, this garbage that is discarded when it is used up.

I laughed at myself, but I didn't really care, I just wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible, even though I knew I had nowhere to go.

Well, nowhere to go is nowhere to go.

Walking out of Karlshorst, my blood-stained appearance attracted a lot of attention.It was already daylight, and there were more pedestrians on the road. With the idea of ​​not affecting the appearance of the city and scaring the poor citizens, I turned into some secluded alleys and wandered aimlessly, thinking that if I was tired from walking, I would just sit on the ground and die.

I think I must be laughing. Although the wound oozes blood and my teeth tremble with pain, my heart seems to be healed.It is really healed, it seems that I can't remember some things clearly, and some hallucinations will appear in front of my eyes, you see, it is really an hallucination, where am I?I don't know, but why is there an acquaintance in front of me?

are you crying

Ok?

Andy?Why are you crying?

Oh, don't cry Andy.Milk is right, I am a cancer that kills everyone.But please trust me, I didn't mean to.I can't help it, those people... those people...

Hehe, it's them...

Andy, don't cry.Forgive me, Andy...

Then in my arms I realized maybe it wasn't an illusion.

Andy was crying, and he was holding me, really crying.The tense emotions relaxed a little, and I passed out in an instant.

"You have a fever..." Andy's voice was intermittent: "You are seriously injured..."

The wet towel was wiped over and over again on the body, and the evaporation of water vapor made the body temperature drop.How much I want that towel to wipe my heart, to wipe away the pain, and to cool it down.

I grinned and opened my eyes.It's Andy's humble home, with gray wallpaper, window frames with peeling paint, and an abandoned stove...but I feel comfortable because it's real enough.

"Rhein..."

Andy cried beside me. He stroked my hair over and over again, and said in a trembling voice, "Tell me to pay attention to you when Alan left. I didn't know such a terrible thing would happen..."

"The other day I went to your house to find you, there was no one in your house, I was leaving, but you and your ministers came... I hid in the corridor, heard everything, I was terrified, Rhine, forgive me, I was terrified It was broken, so I ran away...but when I came back to find you, you were no longer at home..."

"God! Why did you do this to you!" Andy cried loudly, his thin shoulders heaving violently, and I felt heartache again, so I reached out and hugged him.

"Hug me, Andy."

I made a hoarse sound, and Andy lifted the quilt, got into the bed and hugged me tightly.I draw warmth from his thin body, his heart is beating violently, lively and powerful, which is really enviable.

I fell back into a drowsy sleep, and a few times I woke up in a daze and saw Andy feeding me something.At such a young age, with a frown, it's really ugly.So I smiled at him, hoping to make him happy.

His expression was even more surprised, even terrified. He screamed hysterically, then threw himself on me and began to cry loudly.I was very surprised and didn't know what happened.

"Don't be like this... Rhine... I'm scared, I'm really scared..."

His words confuse me, but figuring out the answer to the question will take effort, so I don't bother to think about it, and close my eyes again.

Consciousness seems to be sinking in the ocean, and sometimes it is swept up by monstrous waves, reaching terrifying heights.Due to the fever, my mind became confused, and I even started to have strange hallucinations.

Sometimes, I would see Misha waving to me under the linden tree and asking me if I would like to climb the tree together; sometimes, it would be Anna and Randall, my parents, dancing ballroom dance in the sun room, the dance music is very Sweet, they look happy; sometimes it's Grandma Niya, who still wears her ten-year-old shawl, and asks me what jam I want and what kind of cream I like; or Minister Zeisel and Anne, they Ask me if my digestion is okay?Would you like some anisette and some apple pie; and dear Andy—of course, maybe he was real, but when I saw Ellen, I wondered again, that Andy who was smiling happily, is it real?

And Alan, my Alan, seemed to be sitting on the edge of the sofa, looking at me tenderly, and said to me, you have hypoglycemia, dear Rhine, you are suffering now, just because of hypoglycemia.

I grinned and said coquettishly, but Andy is too poor, and his family doesn't even have enough sugar.Allen shook his head and smiled, Andy is not poor at all, because you have been giving him a large part of your salary.

I blushed, thinking that I was still a kind person.Alan's light flashed and suddenly became Natasha. She smiled at me and asked me, are you the secret police?I muttered, didn't I?With a policeman like me, Germany will be over!

She giggled like a silver bell, looked at me lovingly, then suddenly turned into Sasha again, and I flinched back in shock.

Sasha adjusted his glasses, smiled softly, stepped forward and asked, are you afraid of me?I shook my head and said that I am not afraid of you, because I know you are fake, you are just a phantom, his eyes surged, as if he was about to shed tears.Then he stroked my face and whispered softly like in the past, saying that I am a good boy and Rhine is a good boy.

I don't know how long it took before I opened my eyes and was taken aback by the hallucinations in front of me. Guess who I saw?It was Julian, sitting by my bed, full of tender pity.I looked at him with a smile, the him in my dream, the false one, is the one I really love.

I stretched out my hand, wanting to touch his cheek, but it suddenly occurred to me that the illusion cannot be touched, as long as it is touched, it will dissipate.So I retracted my hand resentfully, looked at him cautiously, and wept silently.

I don't know why I cry, but I cry all the time.

He asked me, why are you crying?

I laughed, my voice must be trembling, but not sad, I murmured, as if talking to him, or just talking to myself.

"Honey, remember that basement?

At first you locked me there for three months and let me read books for three months.

It was the first time I had that experience where someone held a gun at my head and forced me to read. "

"I fell down the stairs that day, and I stumbled back there again, and nothing changed.

I curled up on that bed and fell asleep again, thinking that when I woke up, I could go back to the time when I regained my freedom.

But I know it's all just a dream.

I'm bruised and bruised, I've fallen into hell...

Eternal life will never see the sun again. "

After listening to me, his beautiful eyes trembled, and his expression became very sad, like a wooden house hidden in thick fog, standing alone on a gloomy mountain.

I wanted to touch it, but didn't dare.

So I laughed again and said, "Don't you be sad, don't be sad for me."

"Because this is the last time we'll see each other."

"I probably won't dream of you again, or see you again."

"That's the end of it, my dear. Goodbye, my love."

"Farewell, my Julian."

He was silent, looking down at me.

I closed my eyes with a smile, and cut off all connections between us with darkness.

Everything will disappear and cease to exist.

Bye now.