kiss Me

"Why are you happy?"

Just five words floated in the night, like the lingering smoke of fireworks, slowly dissipating, silently reminding him that the temperature and shaking a few minutes ago were real.

It's just that the answer at that time was without thinking. Now that the phone is hung up, he looks at the night sky with clouds moving slowly, and feels that there is a better answer.

For example, separating the two places can alleviate many concerns that he himself cannot understand.

Another example is that when he looks at the trivial daily life sent by the other party, he sometimes has the illusion of being in it, as if he is also lucky enough to touch a certain concrete future.

But these slightly emotional answers did not have time to be written. On the phone, he only said, "Because I know what you are doing, I can rest assured."

At that time, Lin Wu seemed to have just walked out of the hospital gate, and a little wind was poured into the microphone, making the emotions in the words blurred.

"But brother, at that time I said that I would go to drink with friends, or go to some messy specialty store all night, and you wouldn't bother."

"I thought you didn't care at all..."

The voice was slightly hoarse, with a somewhat cohesive ending, which was just right to make people feel soft, without making people feel that they really wanted to pursue it.

Without giving him a chance to defend himself—or it should be said that he didn’t embarrass him—after he finished the coquettish accusation, the car door opened and closed on the other end of the phone, and Lin Wu said, "Let’s not talk when we get in the car." It’s gone.” After a pause, he added, “I’ll call you when I get to the hotel.”

Half of what Lin Wu said was true.

At that time, he really intended to put the other party in a safe place, and wanted to let people "give up" by deliberately ignoring him, leaving his dangerous zone of walking, and returning to a normal life. At first, he even deleted all contact information, and even Not to mention asking about the other party's private affairs.

Later, WeChat was added back, but he still adhered to the idea that if there is no hope, there will be no disappointment. He only accepted the news from Lin Wu unilaterally, and gave an answer that was similar to "read" instead of asking. The hidden information that the other party did not take the initiative to tell him.

Actually not now, just like this time the two places are separated, the only information he knows is what Lin Wu took the initiative to tell him - double room, two beds - even if this information is so annoying that he regrets not installing a monitor .

The results are the same, but the underlying reasons have changed a lot.Later, he respected Lin Wu more, intentionally restrained his untimely desire for control, ran counter to his instinct, and did not disturb the innate freedom of the canary—today, he cherished more and gave birth to Walking on eggshells.

So when he first started school, he wouldn't ask Lin Wu what he went to the bar with, and now he wouldn't ask him what he was busy with every day, and how he interacted with that teacher.

I can only make a few more phone calls, send some random messages, limit the circle of control within the normal range, and carefully occupy more time with the other party, like a high school student who fell in love for the first time.

Qin Shu leaned on the railing, looked down at the passers-by downstairs, and saw a couple who were eager to hold hands as soon as they walked out of the library, and felt that this scene seemed familiar.

Sometimes Lin Wu accompanies him to the library for self-study, and stays until the library closes. When he walks out of the gate, he will naturally lean up to hold his hand and "do whatever he wants" under the cover of night.

But now that no one is around, he has to go back to the dormitory alone in a few minutes—a subtle sense of loneliness overwhelms him, making him a little at a loss, so he picks up his phone, opens Lin Wu's circle of friends, and reads all of them. Look again at the content of .

The other party's circle of friends is completely different from his, much richer and more interesting, enough for him to spend the ten minutes before closing the museum - most of the photos are taken casually, but there is no occupational disease that photographers would have, the pictures and content are very good. Random, from "photographing the moon for a week" to "drawing the dream I had yesterday", with a simple explanation or two.

Sometimes I simply share my life, post some photos of school reunion dinners, like a child who generously leads others into his own world, doesn't mind being explored by the world, and doesn't ask anyone to praise him, he is very comfortable status.

There are also a few ambiguous love words that are only visible to him, and only written in words——as soon as they reach him, they become unpredictable, which can be regarded as a disguised preference.

The notification sound of closing the museum slowly sounded. He glanced at the time and thought that Lin Wu should be in the taxi on the way back at this time, so he sent someone another emoji with a cat's head - of course it was from the other party ——Verify your conjecture.

Lin Wu didn't reply, probably because he had a cold and was afraid of motion sickness, so he didn't look at his phone for a while, and leaned against the car door listening to music with his earphones plugged in.

When this picture came to mind, Qin Shu froze for a moment, and shook his head in his heart like a self-deprecating, thinking that he himself was actually very contradictory, and his appearance was inconsistent from beginning to end.

On the one hand, he said politely, "Respect and not to disturb", but on the other hand, he tried his best to "understand" Lin Wu, inferring the other party's life from the details almost pathologically.

Just like when the two places were separated two years ago, he wanted to send Lin Wu back to the normal world, so he deleted the contact information himself, but he couldn't help asking about Lin Wu's current situation from his mutual friends, and bought a three-hour slow train ticket from The town went back to take a look at the other party, not even daring to reveal his tracks, just peeping quietly from a distance.

Lin Wu always jokes that he is a little stalker, somewhat voyeuristic - but why is he not.

Looking back now, he still thinks he was brave at the time.

At least now, if he is asked to leave so resolutely, only to peep but not to step forward, he obviously can't do it.

Just like those who have embraced the source of warmth and are unwilling to return to the ice and snow, and who have tasted the sweetness, it is difficult to willingly endure the bitterness of loneliness that has lasted for a century. It has become the Gensokyo he yearns for, and just imagining it will make people addicted, and he doesn't want to let go.

He breathed out lightly, looked down at the ticket purchase interface in the background of the phone, hesitated for a moment, and still didn't cross it out.

They talked about it again in the evening.

It was not past eleven o'clock when we returned to the hotel, and it was too embarrassing to chat with Wang Han without anything to do before bedtime. Lin Wu simply didn't go upstairs, and sat in the children's play area in the corner of the lobby to call his brother.

An adult sits at the end of the slide with his knees hugged, and fiddles with the ocean ball for a while. It's an absurd scene - but his character has a bit of a child's heart, and it's not that contradictory from the first perspective. and.

"Actually, I wanted to go and find you in those two years," he continued casually, continuing what he said in the hospital earlier, with a joking tone, mixing the accusation into the joke, "but the friends around me are like taking You paid the hush money, but you just refused to tell me your new address, and I knew it was intentional... At that time, I was busy with schoolwork, and it finally dragged on for two years."

He picked up a blue ocean ball, tossed it, and put it back into the colorful pool. He thought for no reason that two years was too long, and it was one-tenth of his life.

At that time, he thought that they would meet again, and they were not too trapped in the past few years. As expected, he found Qin Shu two years later, and he didn't have the leisure to look back and regret or settle old scores.

So he naturally felt that he didn't care, whether they were separated or tossed about, since the final outcome was that they were still together, there was nothing to care about.

——Thinking about it now, these so-called "don't care" seem to be just because he doesn't pursue it, and doesn't touch the soap bubbles in his memories that seem to be safe and sound, so the memories appear colorful and pleasing at first glance.

However, if you really reach out to touch it, or even just take it out of your memory and mention it briefly, the sudden burst of soap bubbles can still choke him a little bit of bitterness.

Not much, just enough to cough twice and clear the throat.Qin Shu was silent for a few seconds, as if he was organizing his words, and it took him a long time to say: "I went to see you."

Before he could digest the meaning contained in this sentence, he heard Qin Shu add three words softly, many times.

He seemed to be asking questions, asking when Qin Shu came to him, why didn't he tell him—why he wanted to break up with him, put on a flawless indifference, and then came to see him secretly .

However, he was stunned for a moment, but still didn't ask. He just turned his head and pressed his cheek too close to the slightly hot phone screen, as if he could get close to the other person's heart and sense something else beneath the heartbeat.

Those soap bubbles seemed to have turned into ocean balls, surrounding him in colorful colors, fresh and naive, floating lightly, submerging half of his calf.

He stretched out his hand and flicked it twice, as if he was amused by the sound of the ocean ball colliding, lowered his head and buried half of his face in his sleeve, and let out a soft humming sound, which seemed to be very happy.

"Really," he heard his muffled voice coming from his arms, "do you want to come and see me now?"