winter suicide plan

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The winter solstice is approaching, and the breath of the new year is gradually tasted.I took Chen Shuning to another hospital for psychological counseling and medication.When she first saw a psychiatrist, Chen Shuning was very resistant, basically she didn't say a word, her whole body was depressed, she put her hands in her pockets with a calm face, and her defense mechanism was very strong.

The psychiatrist asked me to go out first, Chen Shuning's eyes tugged at me, but after all, it was because he consulted with the psychiatrist, for him to establish a relationship with the psychiatrist.

I waited outside, checked the latest case information, and paid attention to the movement inside from time to time.I faintly heard Chen Shuning start to cry, panicked, and turned off the screen with my fingers.He rubbed the phone case unconsciously, wondering what was going on inside.

About two hours later, Chen Shuning came out from the outside and stuck his head out to let me in. The doctor had something to say.

The psychiatrist has neatly cut short hair, wears square-frame glasses, has a harmonious smile, and has standard Mandarin and a gentle voice.Chen Shuning didn't look at me with red eyes, I was the first to ask, "How is he now?"

"Actually, I want to ask you about the good relationship between you and him, so that I can give you advice. What is your name, so I can call you?" The psychiatrist scribbled on the paper.

I was thinking about how to tell strangers about my relationship with Chen Shuning, whether they were a real couple or friends.

With a crying voice, Chen Shuning said seriously: "His name is Tang Fengxing, my boyfriend."

"for me……"

Oh My God!What did Chen Shuning just say?

Said I was his boyfriend.

I glanced at him, and he glanced at me, bowing his head in embarrassment.

Well, the ears are red.

Little fireworks exploded in my heart, my god, my mother, can I go down and run for two laps now, when Chen Shuning directly confessed my identity just now, he was really handsome, damn it.

The psychiatrist smiled and said, "A relationship as a couple, it seems that you have a good relationship, which means that the yellow piece standing on the chessboard is you."

I looked at the chessboard on the table, the yellow pieces were next to the black pieces, close together, the black pieces were a little smaller than the yellow pieces.

She first showed me a game that Chen Shuning had just played with her. In the card game, he chooses the cards by himself, and which cards seem to make him sad, depressed and other depressed emotions.

On the cards, Chen Shuning chose darker tones, one of which was a person surrounded by many figures, the other was a withered flower, and a heart with a knife stuck in it.

In the later board game, there are people who Chen Shuning thinks are important, and you can choose any color.Four pawns were laid out on the board, with a bright yellow standing next to the black, and gray and brown standing opposite the black.

When I heard this, I started to raise my head. I am an important person selected by Chen Shuning. Although the focus is not here, I am really happy.I was calm on the surface, and when I heard the doctor's words, I hooked Chen Shuning who was sitting next to me with my fingers, and my heart jumped for joy.

It turns out that I am not only the warmth of the sun, the sweetness of white sugar, but also the warm yellow color.

My gray and white world in Chen Shuning is very colorful.

She slowly guided Chen Shuning to tell the story of the past. Before the sixth grade, Chen Shuning's parents had a discordant relationship, and they were in a chasing and fleeing relationship.The father's cheating, and the mother's tolerance in every possible way, in order to obey the father to take care of the family, she gave up her job and hobbies.

From the parents' infidelity to divorce, with "Chen Shuning" horizontally in the middle, it can be said that the reason for the couple's quarrel revolves around "for the sake of the children".

Chen Shuning said after her mother divorced every day, it was all because of you. With you, I have no freedom, take care of the family, have no job, and have no status.Chen Shuning accepts these words every day.He was accused of making his parents quarrel, causing their parents to disagree, and his parents divorced.And in the end, his mother committed suicide and gave him fatal trauma. He believed that he was the sinner who killed his mother, and he had certain post-traumatic sequelae.

Constant self-deprecation day after day, self-evaluation is too low, forming psychological barriers over time.Over the past decade or so, I have carried the sins I have set for myself, and I feel more and more that I should not exist, and the idea that existence is evil is strong.

Constantly forcing myself to be excellent, and being extremely paranoid in everything, is the possibility of variables proving their existence.But in any case, no matter how you become excellent, become sunny, and hide your depression to the side.I have not been accompanied by anyone for more than ten years, and my heart is constantly torn, with symptoms of compulsion and anxiety.Instead, there is nowhere to vent, and there is a tendency to self-harm.

Coupled with the current stigma for such mental illnesses in society, he has a sense of stigma and refuses to accept help.The longer the time, the stronger the self-destructive psychology. The cumulative number of suicides has been four times, which is considered to be a large number, and long-term psychological counseling is needed to change.

In addition to her own counseling, I also need to pay more attention to, affirm and encourage Chen Shuning when she denies herself.He has strong obsessive emotions about something he can't do well. He hasn't finished this task. The most direct thought is that his existence value is emptied. He will press himself to be perfect, prone to anxiety, and anxiety leads to anger. Qian Xu, who involved herself in self-blame, affected her life.Now it is more about companionship, improving the environment at home, and creating a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere.

I nodded and listened to some more questions from the consultant. When I finally walked there, the consultant suddenly remembered something.She told me to relax. Maybe homosexuality is not the mainstream in society and is stigmatized, but I hope we can be like ordinary couples and not have too much psychological burden.

When I finally closed the door, I kindly reminded me that my ears were red.She smiled and said in a low voice: "You have a large proportion of participation in Chen Shuning, and the highest degree of intimacy. He has developed a certain attachment relationship with you, and you have a certain right to speak. But you must maintain a degree of "letting go" and not let him do everything It should play a guiding role to let him face up to these traumas and let himself heal."

"Ordinary sex can double a person's dopamine secretion. He is on the depressed side of bipolar disorder. This kind of thing can improve his mood and strengthen the relationship between lovers, so you need to help him in all aspects. "

I thanked him with a warm face, and walked out of the hospital with Chen Shuning.When it comes to this matter, I don't know if it's because of the medicine, or because of his own personality, Chen Shuning is a little bit frigid, basically except for kissing, he rarely asks for sex, and I can't help but pressure him to do it.

The more I thought about it, the hotter my ears became, and I wanted to divert my thoughts. I asked him how he was feeling now, his eyes were still a little red, and he turned to me and said, "It feels...not as bad as I imagined."

I smiled and stroked his hair: "Then shall we come again next time?"

Chen Shuning drooped his shoulders: "How long will it take for me to recover like this? According to the course of treatment and consultation on time, it will take many years. Am I a waste of money?"

Alarm bells were ringing in my heart, and I continued to stroke the hair on the top of his head and said, "No, money is something that you spend when you earn it, and spend it happily when you spend it. It will make you feel better, and I'm very happy. It's just The place where the money is invested is different. Today we spend more on medical care, and the other proportion is small. Then we will spend more elsewhere in the future and spend less on medical care. It’s not bad, don’t think about it.”

Chen Shuning walked with me to the subway station, and as I listened, I saw tears on his face, and I hurriedly said, "What's wrong, are you still sad?"

He shook his head, kissed me on the cheek and said, "No, I was so touched, the tears just fell like this... It's so embarrassing, it's like this in public..."

I smiled and said happily: "It's okay, do you know? There is a book that says that when a person is in a place where no one knows you, people can do 80% more stupid things."

"Are you saying I cry like a fool?" Chen Shuning pursed her lips dissatisfied.

I couldn't help holding his face, pecked his lips, and stroked his lips with my hand: "Anyway, I like it no matter what."

"That bright yellow pawn is me right?" I asked him triumphantly.

As soon as Chen Shuning heard it, he began to lower his head shyly, looked around, touched his ears and said, "Mmm... yes, it's so boring to ask questions knowingly."

"Really!" I hugged him warmly, hugged his thin shoulders, and swayed him around the subway surrounded by layers, ignoring all the eyes from the side.I am the most important color in Chen Shuning's subconscious ocean, the only bright color in all his darkness.

Regardless of his good or bad behavior, when his mood fluctuates violently, in addition to forcing himself, he also makes some unreasonable compulsions on me. Sometimes he is very pessimistic and depressed, lying motionless on the bed, saying that he does not love me. Me, let me go, he doesn't want to see me, leave him alone.

Even so, those were not the real Chen Shuning's thoughts, they were only temporarily manipulated by emotions, and the real Chen Shuning was slowly struggling out of it.

Chen Shuning and I were walking on the street, thinking of going to a restaurant to warm up, he wanted to eat noodles, and finally sat in front of a small noodle stall in his hometown——Nanchang small noodle stall, the business was booming, Chen Shuning and I had to bring red chairs eat.

He told me laughing and laughing halfway through eating, then suddenly dropped the bowl and chopsticks, and ran directly to a silver-white van behind me that was about to start, slapping the windows of the car frantically.

I hurried over and the driver got out of the car too. Seeing him squatting down, I squatted down with him.

"The cat is pinned down, hurry up and lift it together."

A stray cat was pinned down by a tire, thinking it was warm under the engine of the car, the cat stayed here and fell asleep, but the car started before it was able to escape, and now it is barking wildly, "Meow meow meow" is a bit miserable .Si Wo and Chen Shuning lifted the wheel together, and the driver also came to help, stuck his finger in and got the cat's paw out.The stray cat limped on one leg and couldn't stand up. Chen Shuning picked it up, regardless of whether it was dirty or not, and asked anxiously, "Where is there a pet hospital?"

The driver also felt a little guilty, thinking that luckily he was not crushed to death, and took the two of us to a nearby pet hospital. The stray cat began to struggle violently, trying to scratch Chen Shuning, but I held it all down. Chen Shuning arrived at the pet hospital in a strange posture.

This cat must have been wandering for a long time, the hair is clumped, one of the eyes is congested, and some unclean water is left by the festering, and now it is pressed to one leg, which makes people feel distressed.

Just like that, the cat struggled a lot and was afraid of people. It took a few people to restrain him and start to deal with it.Chen Shuning and I watched outside, his hands were covered with ashes on the concrete, and he was still poking nervously, I took his hand and said: "Look at the vitality of the cat, it's fine, let the doctor Let's deal with it, let's wash our hands first."

He nodded, reluctantly followed me to the toilet to wash his hands.When the cat came out, it was washed, injected, and treated. It looked at Chen Shuning obediently and didn't make trouble at all.

"There is something wrong with the eyes. It has been inflamed for a while. It needs eye drops. It will get better in a week. The legs may need to be raised for a while. Come and get some medicine."

The three-colored cat began to arch its back when another person approached, in a defensive posture.Chen Shuning touched it and said, "It's okay, it's okay, don't be afraid."

I looked at the gentleness in Chen Shuning's eyes, and his whole body softened, like a soft wicker. I asked him: "We saved him, do we have to keep him?"

Chen Shuning withdrew her hand in fear: "I... I'm afraid I won't be able to feed it, so will it harm it?"

"But if we save it today, let's put it here. After that, it will continue to wander and get hurt."

Chen Shuning frowned and continued to stroke the cat's fur. Sanhuamao may have fallen asleep due to anesthesia.

"Let's raise it together and give it a home." Chen Shuning's eyes were bright, and he grabbed my wrist.

I also stroked the soft cat fur with my fingers: "Then it is a member of our family, a child of our family."

I leaned closer to his ear and said, "Then you are mother?"

Chen Shuning bit my earlobe while no one was watching. In order to allow him to touch it often, I didn't wear earrings, so now I have to be bitten.

He kissed me on the cheek and said, "No, I have to be Dad."

"Yes, but tonight...you have to promise me... how long have we not..."

He looked into my eyes and instantly knew what I was going to do. For a title, would Chen Shuning...

Chen Shuning looked around, bit his lips and hesitated, then gritted his teeth and said, "Deal."

Oh hoo, it's done!I immediately kissed him back on the cheek, and whispered to him, "The child's father."

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Tang Fengxing's perspective