winter suicide plan

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After finishing my IV in the infirmary, my mind was dizzy and my mood was like a pool of stagnant water. When I was about to go downstairs, the school doctor stopped me and said, "It's raining outside, and your friend left you an umbrella."

I nodded and took the black umbrella. I didn't care if it was raining or not, but it didn't look normal to not hold an umbrella when it was raining, and someone would definitely say something wrong.I couldn't turn my head around, the pain was rubbing against my left brain like a drill, all I could remember of what had just happened was falling out of bed, and the incomplete panic of nothingness in the dream.

When I walked through the campus corridor with an umbrella, everyone who passed by would give me a few glances. I don’t know if it’s because I have a hundred-dollar bill growing on my face, and everyone wants to look at me.

Zhao Jun came out from the cafeteria. Zhou Ming saw that I was holding a big umbrella, and my eyes were fixed on me. I asked impatiently, "What are you looking at?"

"Damn, Chen Shuning, you should look in the mirror, your face is as white as the wall of the corridor you just passed, pale...Are you okay..."

I moved the umbrella a little so that they could also hide in. Zhao Jun is taller, and he stood in the middle holding the umbrella tactfully.

Zhou Ming asked, "Don't you want to eat?"

"I have no appetite, I don't want to eat." After I finished the IV, I don't know if it was because I had struggled, but the back of my hand was purple, which looked scary, and there were two pinholes.

"You have a fever and don't go to replenish some energy. Listening to Tang Fengxing saying that you lay down in the dormitory directly, I was scared to death."

It turned out that it was Tang Fengxing who called me. I scolded him for meddling in his own business last night, and I felt a layer of guilt in my heart. I had to implicate others when I got sick. I nodded and asked, "Which one is Tang Fengxing's dormitory?"

"311, you don't even know which dormitory he is in. We just went a few doors away. Chen Shuning, you lived together during the military training."

"Have you ever lived there?" I really wondered, I don't really remember who was in the military training dormitory, and I lived in the dormitory. Although it belongs to the same department, I really don't have the slightest impression of Tang Fengxing here.

I suspect my mind has learned to erase things on its own, to make room for my bad memories to stuff my everyday bits and pieces.

I nodded: "Maybe it's been too long, there is no intersection, I kind of forget it."

I went into the dormitory and drank the water I poured last night. It was already freezing cold. I didn’t feel much about what I drank or ate. I forgot to take my medicine this morning, and now I have a lunch break at noon.

I looked at the bottle of vitamins, but I didn't go to get them.

I went to the hospital for a diagnosis a year ago, and the diagnosis result was the same as I guessed. I listened to the opinions and treated with a try attitude. For half a year, I still kept writing suicide plans, and the hypomanic period became more and more serious. Short, the normal period is getting shorter and shorter, I stayed in the depression period for a long time, and not long ago I injured someone because of the manic period.

Although I don't answer the doctor's questions well at all, I feel that he is invading my privacy, I am going to stop the drug, I don't want to take it, because I feel that my attempt has failed.

Although I can't predict the consequences of stopping the medicine without authorization, I can't bear the side effects of taking the medicine, and the effect of the medicine has not brought me much effect. I plan to stop taking it, because there are still four days left, and my plan B will be over. To be implemented.

I went to dormitory 311 and met Tang Fengxing. I asked outside the dormitory door, "Is Tang Fengxing in your dormitory?"

The people in their dormitory stopped immediately from the boiling water just now, and those who were throwing cards in their hands stopped falling, and looked at me blankly.I was also stunned, the cut hair in front had a bolt of lightning shaved on the left side, and said with a smile but in a strange way: "Tang Fengxing, Chen Shuning is looking for you."

I don't like this kind of tone. I just had a fever, and I don't have the strength to swear. Now if you say 1+1=5, I will nod and say you are right, and I am too lazy to refute.

Tang Fengxing's hands were wet. He was supposed to be washing clothes just now, but he bumped the yin and yang with his elbow and said, "Wu Huawen, can you speak well."

"Okay, you go to the corridor to talk, let's continue playing."

Tang Fengxing held a bowl of packed porridge in his hand and kept it next to his legs. He asked me, "What are you looking for? Oh, by the way, how are you feeling now? Your complexion is not good, so pale." The tone is a little brisk, with a little concern.

"Well, it's okay." I suddenly recalled some fragmentary memories, Tang Fengxing hugged me and grabbed my hand, but the remaining memory is only the picture of him opening his mouth, and I don't remember what he said at all.

I tested him: "Did I wake up once and fall asleep again?"

"Well, what happened?"

"Did I say anything strange?"

"No, you just want to drink water."

"Oh, that's it." I nodded, Tang Fengxing's expression was normal, and there was no sign of lying.

When I was in a period of depression, my body and mind were not in control, and it was common to be sluggish, but I guessed something about Tang Fengxing's current behavior. I handed him the umbrella and said, "Thank you for the umbrella, today is You took me to the infirmary, right?"

Tang Fengxing was stunned for a moment and said, "Yes."

"how much is it?"

He said "ah?", and I let out a breath of foul air from my lungs, and said it again: "How much is it for hanging water?"

"It's okay, and it's not very expensive. The classmates help each other."

Who wants your help, who wants you to pity me?

The stagnant water in my heart suddenly became active, and I held back the anger from my chest again: "Hurry up."

"Students, really don't need..."

"Tang Fengxing, I don't have time to waste here with you. It's not that I don't have money because of your relationship with my classmate. We don't have a deep friendship, so we just had dinner together. It's only natural for me to give you back the money, but you help me, don't you?" You should do it as a matter of course. I can't understand why you want to help me. We don't know each other well. I don't know what you are being polite. I said I will pay back. I don't want to owe a stranger. Can you listen to my question .So I’m asking you now, how much is the hanging water, do you understand? If you keep beeping, I’ll..." My mouth was uncontrollable, the output was like running a train, and I kept spitting out, My brain, which was still frozen just now, suddenly became active. My language was confused and disorganized, but I felt that what I said was very clear.

After I finished these words in one breath, there was a smell of gunpowder in my words, my brain was buzzing, as if my reason had returned, and the agitated and violent person just now was pulled out.

I am obviously here to thank others for their kindness, so what am I doing?

Tang Fengxing leaned against the door and looked at me, nodded and said with a complicated and strange expression: "Sorry, I..."

"Don't apologize, I'm too excited. I didn't mean that, I didn't mean to scold you, forget it, I can't tell. Can you be on the same channel with me. I said I want to pay back the money, the phone, WeChat or Alipay.”

I took a deep breath, pinched the palm of my hand, the nails dug into my skin, and quickly pierced the skin, piercing into the outer flesh, I relieved my anger in the pain, I bit the back molars.

Tang Fengxing frowned, took out the mobile phone in his trousers pocket and said, "Wechat."

I scanned his WeChat, added him, quickly transferred the money to him, turned around and I was about to leave.Tang Fengxing grabbed my down jacket and said, "Wait a minute."

"What?"

"That... this... I bought an extra bowl of porridge. Our dormitory is full. You should have just finished hanging the water. Let me eat it for you. It costs three yuan a bowl. You can transfer the money to me directly to save you from going downstairs. .”

I saw that he was carrying this bowl of porridge all the time. It's not that I don't have eyes. I know what Tang Fengxing means, but I don't know whether the person involved wants to make friends with me.

I turned my head and saw that his ears were already red. I turned my eyes to look at the porridge in front of me, sighed softly, took it, and transferred him three dollars. He scratched his hair and raised the corners of his mouth. , still thinking about what to say.

After all, I... saved myself, so I have to give others a good face. If I put it on others, I might be beaten up directly.I raised the corners of my stiff mouth, smiled the same way as I said, "Tang Fengxing, thank you for taking me to the medical office, sorry for the trouble, goodbye."

"No trouble, no trouble. Now...you're not a stranger." Tang Fengxing rolled up the long sleeves of his sweater to his elbows. His forearm was strong and there was a protruding blue vein. No wonder he dragged me so hard.

He looks really handsome, I lack language, I can't praise others, good-looking, handsome, beautiful, these are the only words I can use, but very few of them can be used.

But... why does such a person insist on approaching me?

I smiled and left without saying anything.

After two mouthfuls of porridge, I couldn't swallow it anymore, and I couldn't give it to others when I had a cold. I felt it was shameful to waste it.However, the throat and esophagus were blocked and uncomfortable, and the nausea was so strong that it was visually uncomfortable to watch.

I ended up throwing it away, and I paid for it anyway.

My hands are red from the cold in winter, I can't find the plan manual, and I have to follow the steps from memory, and I have to go to the spot tomorrow.

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Chen Shuning's perspective