winter suicide plan

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I waved the kitchen knife, cut the fish under my hand, scored a few flower knives, smeared salt, drizzled soy sauce, stuffed green onion, ginger and garlic into the wound on the side of the fish, and then went to the hot oil, and I became dissatisfied when it touched the water The oil crackled and jumped out.Finally, put it into the pressure cooker and steam it with the rice.

Tang Fengxing has been watching me cut cucumbers, and said with a worried face: "You can't hold the knife like this, you will cut your hands."

"My knife skills are superb, so don't be crow's mouth here."

He nodded, approved the second half of my sentence, but didn't agree with the first half at all, shaking his head and said, "I'll cut it, you fry it."

"I told you I'm here to cook today, you just wait to eat, just sit on the sofa like I usually do!" I amplified my voice, as if someone was scolding him, which was nothing like that It's for him to cook a good meal.

He lowered his head and was laughing, I heard his laughter, I felt itchy in my heart, I turned my head to look at him, the hand didn't have eyes and continued to cut downwards, the sting went through the skin, and the cucumber was stained with red.I was stunned, the surging tide in my heart was quiet for a while, and the blood flowed down my fingers little by little.

Tang Fengxing grabbed my hand, flushed it, blocked it with a paper towel, and cursed: "Fuck, I don't usually see this knife so fast. You chop vegetables carefully and watch what I do. You even chop your fingers when you cook a meal." Give me something to eat?"

"It's so heavy, I don't have this habit. Isn't it a beauty who misled me? Okay, I'm fine, how painful it can be, it's just a little bit more bleeding, it's okay. Maybe you're afraid If I really chop off a finger, then I will touch your dick at night, and if I lose one finger, you will not be used to it."

Tang Fengxing ignored my yellow accent, raised his eyebrows and glanced at me when he heard me calling him a beauty.He lowered his head and let out another breath, speaking in a low voice like a mosquito, I leaned closer to listen, but he tilted his head, deliberately staggering away from me.

But I heard it anyway.

He said damn it, I don't hurt, he feels distressed, and tears are about to fall out of distress.

He said there was another scar.

My heart was pierced by glass, which was more painful than the wound on my finger.

I said I was wrong, I'll be more careful next time.

I pulled his head, kissed him on the cheek, and said seriously: "I was wrong, I will pay more attention next time, without leaving any wounds."

He kept frowning in distress, and I kept silent and kept looking at him.He took away the bloody tissue, looked at the wound, it was a little deep, and took a bandage from the drawer.

I'm a little more obedient now, I cut the vegetables for him, and I'll cook them.I knead the dough with the other hand, add a spoonful of sugar to it, wrap it up, and press it into a cake shape.Throw it into an oil pan and fry it. My hometown calls it Chuanyoubing.My grandma used to make it when I was a kid back home.

Because I have to go to the kitchen every day to steal white sugar to eat, put the white sugar into a white porcelain bowl, pour it into plain water to make sugar water for drinking.

Grandma saw that I stole white sugar many times, so she wrapped the white sugar tightly in a pancake and brought it back to the city to eat. Every time I ate it, I was burned by the melted white sugar and my tongue was numb. Every time I went to Wuling Hongguang Looking from the back of my van, I can see my grandparents standing behind me to see me off.

On the way, I took a bite of the special white granulated sugar skewer pancakes. The pancakes are sweet, but the tears are salty.

Thinking of this, I have already thrown the fried string pancakes into a big bowl and waited for them to cool.The smell brings me back to the days when I was in the first grade, under the dim chandelier.

Now under the incandescent lamp, Tang Fengxing was slicing cucumbers, making noises on the chopping board, and the stuff in the oil pan gathered next to the noodles, and golden bubbles came out one after another.

I wish I could stay here forever.

He chops vegetables, and I fry vegetables, and I live a simple life of rice, oil and salt. I am not afraid of life, old age, sickness and death.

But today's special day always brings me back to my senses, I can't live with Tang Fengxing normally.

I directly picked up a cold oil skewer and took a bite. A sweet and warm flow of white granulated sugar flowed into my mouth in streams, as well as the sweet smell of wheat flour.My lips are covered with white sugar water.

Tang Fengxing finished cutting and washed his hands. He watched me eat while cooking. He had already eaten three of them. He also reached out and asked what was so delicious. He kept eating.Before he got it, I grabbed his hand and said, "It's not cold, I'll eat it later."

He nodded, I turned off the fire, pulled his chin and said: "You can try this first." I pressed my lips, and my tongue slipped in instantly, the lips and tongue were covered with syrup, sticky and sweet, he My lips are stained with the white sand syrup on my lips, which is sticky and inseparable.

In the end, the two of them licked it clean before Shi Shiran let go.He touched my lips, and I smiled and asked him, "Is it sweet?"

He tasted the tip of his finger and said, "Sweet."

I trembled happily and continued to do my work.

Finally served on the table, a plate of steamed fish, a pot of white sugar and oil skewers, a plate of fried cucumbers, white rice is ready, in the smoke, I chilled and chopped coriander, and put it on my white rice.

Tang Fengxing doesn't like coriander, and he clearly refused. For Tang Fengxing's taste, I put four small red peppers in that steamed fish.

He said he is from Hunan. I think Hunan people can eat spicy food. I am from Jiangxi. What I eat is a lot of stewed meat, heavy oil and salt. I have been sick for a few years and it has become much lighter.

He asked me, "Why are you cooking today?"

I picked up a few mouthfuls of rice, suppressed the rush in my heart, and pretended to say plainly: "My mother's birthday is today."

Tang Fengxing obviously stopped with his chopsticks, he looked at me with worry in his eyes, and I told him to pick up some food for him.Only then did he move his chopsticks.

The two of us were speechless, and I wanted to break the silence.I said that my mother likes to eat that steamed fish, but the delicious meat will always be left to me and my father.But I deliberately said that I don't like fish, saying that eating fish will get stuck in the throat.The oil skewers, my grandmother's best job, she also eats a lot, as long as I come, she will make it for me.Simple stir-fried cucumber and cold coriander bibimbap is something my grandfather must eat every night, and he can't sleep well if he doesn't eat.

The people I love the most and the things I love the most are all on the table, maybe people are gone, I just remember.

I said this with a smile, but all these memories only exist before the sixth grade. If you don’t have them, you don’t know those good ones.

Owning it and then peeling it off and losing it is like a cramp, and I endured it all by myself. The emotion has been buried for too long, and it has become a rotten mud. It buried the disease of bipolar disorder until the day I discovered it. It has absorbed it. The silt that rotted inside grew into lingering dodders.

As I ate, I felt fluid in my mouth was boiling, my nasal cavity was full of snot, and my tears dripped into the bowl.

The fish is fresh and spicy, the fried skewers are sweet, the fried cucumber is salty, the coriander salad is sour, and my tears are bitter.

The ups and downs of life are gathered on the table on this day.Tang Fengxing reached out his hand to wipe my tears, I raised my head, grabbed vegetables for myself and him, held back my tears and said, "Eat everything you put in, there can be no leftovers."

He nodded with a smile and said yes softly.

After a meal, the cake I bought was brought over, I put the cold cake on the table, I asked Tang Fengxing to light the candles first, I ran into the room, I put on the blue skirt of the summer dress, I Shaking my hands, I applied colorful nail polish, and I didn't care if some of it got on my skin, and my lips were painted with lipstick, which was a mess.The bangs of my hair have not been cut for a long time, and they have already covered half of my face. The whole hair is no different from that of a band artist.

When I opened the door, there was only candlelight left outside. Tang Fengxing stood on the left side of the table, and the warmth penetrated the darkness of the room. A gust of cold air hit me, and I shivered from the cold. Tang Fengxing's eyes Looking at me all the time, never leaving for a moment, he held me back: "Ah Ning..."

I took his hand and sat down, I crossed my legs and watched the candlelight flutter in front of me.Facing the exquisite candy house and the exquisite chocolate stick next to it, I said in a trembling voice: "Zhu Meiying, today is 1.14, I wish you a happy 30th birthday. You said you wanted a birthday cake, so I bought it for you You said you couldn’t wear a beautiful dress for your birthday in winter, and I wore it for you. You said you couldn’t see nail polish with gloves on in winter, so I painted it for you. Look...does it look good. You don’t want to buy it Lipstick, I put it on, it looks really good. Happy birthday to Zhu Meiying...Happy birthday..."

I repeated "Happy Birthday" over and over again with tears in my voice.

My mother doesn't have birthdays, never. She said what kind of birthdays do adults have.But she still looks forward to her birthday, a beautiful cake, like summer, wearing her beautiful dress, and beautiful nail polish.My mother was very young. She married my father in the countryside and gave birth to me.During the wedding I was still in her stomach and attended the wedding together.

I am 21 years old now, she is still young, she is still fixed at 30 years old when she is mature and younger.

I grabbed my arm, wept uncontrollably, and trembled violently. I saw that the candle was about to burn out, and I closed my eyes: "You are not here, I will... make a wish for you, the next generation will not be so... obedient, so What's the use of being obedient...do whatever you want, I want you to be free."

The sadness in my body is squeezed into a ball, the sea is as calm as stagnant water, the fear and anxiety turn into buzzing in the ears, the noisy brain is about to burst, and it overwhelms today's mania, I cover my ears, my face is covered with tears and snot, I cry I couldn't breathe, as if I was going to catch my breath.

When the candle burned out, Tang Fengxing hugged me, rubbed me into his arms, hugged my waist, pressed my shoulders, the skirt was crumpled, and the skirt yarn was squeezed into a ball, and said in my ear: "I'm here, Chen Shuning, I'm here, don't be afraid."

I was cold all over, I looked over Tang Fengxing's shoulders, I saw the black wall, the scarlet lily flower wall stickers were vivid in my memory, I saw Zhu Meiying's long seaweed hair, her dilated pupils, blood dripping from her fingers, a drop of blood The drops formed a small pool on the floor.I saw her approach me, she grabbed my wrist and tried to drag me away.

I hugged Tang Fengxing's neck tightly, and I screamed in horror: "I won't go, Mom! Someone loves me! Please, someone loves me, don't worry, don't come to my dream Look at me! Your son is doing very well, really... he is doing very well... His name is Tang Fengxing, he loves me very much, he really loves me very much, please, mom, please help me, Stop pestering me, I really want to live!"

Tang Fengxing put his arms around my head and asked me to look into his eyes. He brushed away my hair that was wet with tears, held my face and said, "Chen Shuning, there is no one there. Look at me, you look at me, look at me My eyes, don't be afraid, no one can take you away, you are always in my arms."

"Don't look behind me, just keep looking at me, okay? Can you keep looking at me from now on, Chen Shuning."

I was gasping for breath, my heart ached, I kissed his lips, and put lipstick on Tang Fengxing's lips, we kissed hot and bitter with tears in the dark for a long time.

I opened my mouth in the dark, crying out in pieces: "Tang Fengxing, every...every time you hug me, kiss me one more time, one more...say you like me, you love me. I think about it …Live one more second, live one more minute, live one more hour, live one more year, live until we are old. Live until we grow old together.”

"Yes, yes, Chen Shuning, we will. I love you, I love you...I will always love you."

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Damn, I was abused by what I wrote...??