winter suicide plan

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[Chen Shuning's perspective]

Because after the stomachache last time, Tang Fengxing made me eat less when I was manic.But he didn't expect that I didn't enter the normal period after that stomachache, but flipped the switch and jumped to the depression period.I can't eat anything, and I will spit it out after eating.The same is true for the medicine. After taking it, I will feel nauseated, trembling, dizzy, unable to get out of bed, and completely become a slave to the bed.

I lay stiffly on the bed. At first, my body didn't want to move, and I fell asleep and fell asleep.Tang Fengxing would always pick me up for a few days, give me medicine, and take me to bask in the sun.Every time I walked halfway, I would get very dizzy, and there were patches of darkness in front of my eyes, but I didn't want to spoil the fun, and I didn't want to see his disappointed expression.

He wishes me well, and I also hope he can see that his hard work can live up to his expectations.

I was so dizzy on the stairs the day before yesterday that I missed his hand, fell once, and bruised my knee, so he didn't take me out again.

I just felt useless and ashamed, grabbed his clothes, and kept mentioning my manual to him, but he would always divert various topics and bypass me.I know that he doesn't want me to leave, and when I can't move, I always think about what kind of accident it would be better for me to die, but in the end I found that I have no power to move at all, and I am full of emptiness and powerlessness.

I didn't kill myself willingly, but depression was going to kill me, and I had to drag depression to kill me.The tearing mental pressure tormented me, which was unspeakable.

I broke the glass water glass on the table and scratched my arm with the glass. The moment the blood flowed down the arm, the scarlet blood smell finally reduced the guilt in my heart, and the hollow anxiety that was pierced from the chest to the back eased down. .

Tang Fengxing was finally willing to get angry and scold me, but he just said that I was so uncomfortable that I called him, instead of suffering alone, it was better to hold him and cry.After he scolded me, he walked out of the house by himself, and came back from the cold outside, which smelled of cigarettes.

I saw that his eyes were red, but there were no tears. He wiped them all away and refused to let me see them, which added to my psychological burden.He never expresses that he is sad, at most he is angry today, and he will not leave me for too long, he will come back in a few minutes.

I can't always say the word "sorry", I always feel like my mouth is burning, and I always say it in my heart, even though I know he can't hear it.

He applied medicine to my wound, I had to wear a bandage when the wound was long, and put on a short bandage, and carefully applied the medicine to remove the scar. All the cups were replaced with plastic, and there was no sharp thing in the rented house.

Unless I have the strength to make it myself, which I obviously don't have the strength to mess with right now.

At this time, he would always look at him with a serious expression and a frozen face, oh let me not use this method next time.

But I didn't agree with him, saying that this is the fastest way to solve my depressed mood at the moment. Although it destroys the body, it temporarily saves the spirit.

He didn't listen to my nonsense. When I said this, he kissed me, which made my body go limp and light.

Touching, kissing, hugging, etc. can promote the release of dopamine and endorphins in the human body, making people feel happy and relieve the tension and discomfort caused by stress.Although I don't know if it is useful for my kind of disease, it really has a relieving effect for me.

My body becomes lighter and more comfortable, and I can fall asleep easily. Before going to sleep, I always put on headphones to listen to the sound in the mp3. Tang Fengxing put chamomile on the bedside table. I smelled the fragrance of apples. He hugged me tightly and tightly. Live the sadness that overflows the gap in my heart.

Occasionally, I relax and think that at least I haven't reached the point where I don't care, at least I still have Tang Fengxing.

Tang Fengxing often bought me some candies and chocolates, and eating some occasionally would relieve some pain, but I was still lying on the bed.

Over the past week, I have become very thin, I can't see the fleshiness on my cheeks, my cheekbones are getting more and more prominent, and my jawline is getting sharper.His face was always smeared with death, like a tombstone made of ivory, his eye sockets were sunken, and he was not energetic.

I have three meals a day and I basically don’t have any oil or water left in my stomach. At night when I was sleepy, he touched my face and whispered distressedly that I was too thin.

I tried my best to eat something before, but things backfired. I couldn’t get what I wanted, and my stomach always went against me.I suspect that the doctor prescribed this medicine wrongly. It is stable without changing it, but it is unstable after changing it.

The medicine really can't make me move normally, and it's still fine in December.He made an appointment with the doctor on 1.12, but I resisted seeing the doctor, as soon as he mentioned the hospital, I started to panic, covered my face with a pillow, blocked my nose, cried and hid under the covers, without saying a word to him .

I also had the same reaction when I went to psychological counseling, and he didn't want to force me, so he could only hold me tightly in his arms while hiding under the quilt, and patted my back through the quilt.

I'd always lean on him and start belittling myself, I'd say I'm worthless, I'd tell him to get out of here, and he'd just ignore it.

"I'm so useless, I can't go to school, I can't finish my studies."

"You can take a break from school in the next semester of your senior year. You can go back to school after you recover from your illness. Based on your previous grades, it's not difficult to recover. You can do it." He patted my head once and for all.

"But if this disease is known, you may be asked to drop out of school."

"On the legal level, the school has no right to force you to withdraw from school for the time being. If you are willing to suspend school for treatment, I will discuss it with the school. You don't need to worry about this."

"But, will I not be able to work in the future, will there be no place to recruit me?"

"Ah Ning, no. When you recover from illness, such talents will be found everywhere. You forgot that you won a prize for your thesis written in your sophomore year, which shows that you are capable."

"Don't you think I'm annoying, don't you think I'm pretentious?"

"You can hum a few words when you have a fever and feel uncomfortable. You are similar to a cold. It's no good to say a few words when you are sick and uncomfortable. It is very bad that you are not allowed to speak out when you are sick and uncomfortable."

He kissed my cheek, and with the onset of the medicine I took, I felt my strength recover again, but it was only a relief.

He bought a book and came back to read it. Sometimes he read it very late, and fell asleep on the table when he was sleepy taking notes in winter. His face would become cold and his hands would be cold.I didn't have the strength to drag him, so I stuck to him every night and didn't let him go to the desk again.He came to take notes on the bed and studied with me.He yawned and I threw away his book and let him sleep with me.

Occasionally he read something to me, and I couldn't listen to much, and I became sleepy after reading it.

After he finished studying, he persuaded me, saying that I am now in the state of a child, expressing fear, sadness, anger, and happiness in an uncomplicated manner.

Explain that it is necessary to find the root of fear and pull it out from the root of fear.

The fear of the hospital is the shadow left by the hospital in my childhood, which led to my fear.And pure sadness is the same as when I was a child, crying when I was afraid.

He gave an example, so to speak, just like when I couldn't find my mother when I was a child, I would be afraid, and I would cry when I was afraid.When I cry, my mother will come, give love and touch, and be able to coax, and coax her to stop being afraid, so she won't be sad.

Similar to the emotional reaction of a person to an event or a situation, the emotional reaction of adults is a huge color palette, which can reconcile the original simple emotional color ratio, and each person has different coloring emotions in their hearts to deal with it. .

But I am now in the "children's ego state", whether it is a manic period or a depressed period, these behaviors are not called childish, and have nothing to do with the actual age, but the place and time of the trigger now will be exactly the same as the reaction when I was a child.

I can't move my mind, but I can understand it somewhat.Nor would he force me to understand the words.

He asked me why I was reluctant to go to the hospital when I was a child?

I don't want to answer, shut up and don't speak.He changed the way of asking, asking me what should I do if I have a fever and a cold?

I.

I started to answer questions with him like squeezing toothpaste.

"Stay home and wait for the fever to subside."

"No medicine?"

"Don't take medicine."

"Why don't you take your medicine?"

"Because...my mother said that I would be fine without eating."

"Why don't you feel it yourself, and you won't look at it if you burn out your brain?"

"I won't burn my brain out. I'll go out and run, and I'll be fine after I sweat under the blanket."

At that time, I was growing taller in elementary school, and my bones were growing fast, and I was prone to fever. I don't know what kind of fever it is.I will just take the ibuprofen in the cabinet and eat it myself, and leave it alone.

"How could it be so simple? Didn't you think of going to the hospital to get an injection to reduce fever when you were a child?"

"Don't go to the hospital. It's far away. It's very far away. It's tiring to walk back."

"You walk back by yourself, won't your mother take you to the hospital?" He brought the topic back, but I didn't notice it in my chaotic mind.

"I don't want to go because my mother...would take me there before and forget about me."

"What forgot you?"

"Forget about me in the hospital, I waited for her for a long time. I don't know the way home, I have never been to such a big hospital for injections, I was seen in a small clinic nearby. I was taken I don’t know how I got here when I went to that big hospital. In the end, she didn’t show up, nor did she take me home.”

"I was so tired walking back by myself. I was really tired. I didn't have the money to take the bus, and I walked for a long time asking for directions. I was so tired. My mother always said that she would take me there when she saw that I had a fever, but I didn't dare to go again."

Going again, I have to walk back by myself again, maybe the door will not be opened for myself.

Tang Fengxing stopped in front of me, and I also found out that he was telling me something, so I ignored him and hid under the blanket.

He touched my head comfortingly, and this night he hugged me tighter, and he said in my ear: "When I go to the hospital in the future, I will accompany me from beginning to end, I will not forget you, and I will take you back Home."

I hugged his neck tightly, grabbed the clothes behind him, and crumpled them. In the end, I didn't hold back a word, but nodded in my heart, saying that I understood.

I don’t know how high the sun is outside. I woke up with a dizzy throat and a sore throat. I vomited a bit hard yesterday, and my throat hurts.After waking up, I couldn’t fall back asleep. It was as if my body had emptied out the turbid air yesterday, and my energy returned a lot.Once I dare not sleep anymore, I am more prone to sleepiness in winter, and I tend to fall into depression after sleeping for a long time.

Tang Fengxing was so noisy last night that he didn't sleep much this week, and wanted him to sleep more, but he kissed my forehead this morning, and whispered in my ear that he would go back to school to pick up things, and he would be back in the afternoon.

I muttered in my sleep and responded to him a few times, then fell asleep again, unconscious as if lying in the bottom of the sea.

When you have strength, you can go outside and heat the preserved egg porridge and lean meat porridge Tang Fengxing bought in a pot when you can move.After taking two sips, it seemed to restore the sense of taste. It was soft and sweet with a hint of flowering rice grains. Today, my appetite was so good that I drank it all. After drinking it, I sent a photo to Tang Fengxing, begging for rewards like a child.

He also followed what I wanted, and came back to me with an emoji of touching his head.After chatting with him briefly about my mood today, he asked me what I needed to come back.I thought about it carefully. Actually, I don't have any guys left there. The most valuable and what I want most should be the suicide plan manual in his cabinet, but he will hide it well when he takes it back.

I actually thought about why he didn't just throw away this unlucky thing, but kept it for me.Is he afraid that if I throw it away, destroy it, or burn it, I might go crazy.He is also afraid.This kind of behavior touches my mood, and my body and soul seem to be entangled with this suicide plan manual.I lived and died together, recording my sick three years of life stroke by stroke.

But Tang Fengxing didn't have a car, so it wasn't easy to take it with him. He could at most bring back some clothes and his usual laptop.

I looked at the message that popped up in the memo on my phone, and remembered that today's day is special——my mother's birthday.

My mother is an ordinary housewife to me, but I really like her and she treats me well.Before she got married, she was an art teacher in the Children's Palace, and she was liked by children. Many children came to her, but she could suppress the bad temper of those little kids.But when she got married, she complied with my father's wishes, quit her job, became a housewife, and took care of me wholeheartedly.

My mother loves to paint. When she passed the Children's Palace, she would always take me in the third grade to look around, watch the children paint, and let me paint.

But I don't like painting, so I don't want to run away every time. I run to the outside of the Children's Palace to play on the slide. When she has seen enough and is satisfied, she will take me home to cook.

I secretly saved money for breakfast and got up early, walked instead of taking the bus, saved the bus fare and bought her oil pastels, and asked her to teach me how to draw.In fact, I don't like painting at all, but I like her bending down and sticking to me, her seaweed curly hair touches my cheek softly, you can smell the good shampoo, warm and comfortable.

Although my drawings are not ugly, the rabbit is not like a rabbit, the pig is not like a pig, and it is not like a dog. Anyway, it can’t be seen that it looks like an animal.

My mother was so excited to recreate and wanted to go back to teaching painting.She talked to my dad, who threw the oil pastel and thin construction paper in the trash.

My dad doesn't like her painting and returning to her old job. In his eyes, it's an insult to him for a woman to go out to work, and he doesn't recognize his ability. A woman will be restless when she has a job, and she can just focus on taking care of her family.The money will not be enough for her to spend, so she can't afford to go out to work.

They quarreled for a long time and smashed the dinner bowl in agitation. Although the shards of glass scratched my feet and my slippers were stained with blood, I didn't care. I cleaned up the place with a garbage shovel.

My mother ran out and cried for a long time, and I followed her out to hand her a tissue. I said, I can buy another oil pastel if I lose it.

It was also winter that day, the snow had melted a lot, and it was trampled like a rag, and there was no clean place, and my mother's tears flowed all the way to the dirty snow.The first time I saw my mother cry, I thought that my man should help my mother get what she wants, and not let her cry.

She was quiet for a long time. In the silent winter night, the moon was eight percent full, but it was cut by the black clouds in the sky, like broken jade.I think this is the same as my mother's ideal, it is jade, but it is incomplete and broken under the daily necessities of life, and her dream has become a worthless dream.

I kept waiting for her to speak.She glanced at me, lowered her head, took my hand and went home, and said softly: "I won't paint anymore, I won't paint in this life."

The good times didn’t last long. In the fourth grade, my dad went out to do business, and he didn’t come home during the Chinese New Year. After he came back, he didn’t say a few nice words to my mother. He started pointing at my mother, saying that she didn’t cook on time.

My mother is also obedient, and she dare not stop cooking for my dad when she is sick and uncomfortable.I'm very annoyed by this, and she really changes little by little what my dad says.

I said my dad made trouble for no reason, so just ignore him.

But she said that in this way, she would not quarrel in front of me, as long as she made a concession.

But I feel aggrieved, but my dad is not bad to me, he does his best to support my education, and spends a lot of money, and I can't say anything about him in the fourth grade.

In the end, this relationship does not mean that if you take a step, you can be as good as before.It was broken. When QQ was still popular at that time, when my mother took my father's mobile phone to check my tuition deduction, she revealed that my father was having an affair, but my father beat my mother so that my mother could not crawl. I got up and dropped the bowl again, this time the shards scratched my face, her beautiful eyebrows were also cut, and there was blood on her face.

He said my mother peeped into his privacy.In the end, my dad just went down this slope and divorced my mom.

My mother was unwilling to live or die, but it was of no use, she still left, and there was no money to compensate, and she ended up living a muddleheaded life.

After the divorce, my mother also changed. She became depressed, lying on the bed for a long time, no longer combing her hair, and no longer taking care of herself.There is still a wound on the brow, and there are scratches from glass shards, and I also dealt with the wound.

I said I'm already in the fifth grade, I can take care of you, it doesn't matter without him.She would just hold me and cry blindly, which made me very bored, so I pushed her away and ran out.I bought her a paintbrush and said that without that man, you can continue to paint, and you can continue to go to the Children's Palace to teach painting.

But the Children's Palace was demolished, and a commercial building was built.My mother's hope of putting it together again was shattered and messed up again when the commercial building was erected.She often hid in the room and cried, and no longer cared about me.I had a fever in winter, and she was talking nonsense, and she was not in good spirits, but she also remembered to take me to the hospital.When the water was hung, she went back by herself.

She forgot that I was in the hospital, but I still remembered that after hanging up the medicine, I went to get the medicine by myself. I softened my body and asked for directions by myself, and walked home.I waited for a long time for her to open the door, until my legs were weak and I was about to kneel before she came to open the door. The expression when I opened the door, I always remember that her beautiful face was mixed with sadness and anger.

She doesn't sleep with me at night, and she won't hold me anymore.With a sad face, she always said that I was a scourge. If I were gone, she would not have to resign and lose her job, and she would not have to take care of me wholeheartedly, resulting in nothing in the end.

It's hard to hear, but I think it's true.Maybe without me, she might be able to always work hard on her favorite career, have her own family status, and don't need us to spend my dad's money and see my dad's face.

Maybe I don't have me, she can easily see my dad's essence, and leave home in style, but now she has to shoulder my food, housing, transportation and school expenses.

I'm sorry for her, try to save money, and I don't dare to ask for more.I have always apologized and bought her lilies on Mother's Day this year. Unexpectedly, she was willing to hug me and kiss me, saying that it was her favorite flower.

She began to cheer herself up, take care of herself, dressed in fancy clothes, like a peacock, and began to decorate this simple rental house where my father and I lived for five or six years.

She bought a wall with a lily pattern, in order to cover up the dirty and black dirt and the miserable past.

My grandfather was in the insurance industry. After learning about it, he used his retirement salary and half his life savings to help me pay for my mother's face. I graduated from the sixth grade, and he said that he would take care of my future studies by the way.

I went home with my graduation certificate and ran all the way home. Before I entered the door, I could smell the aroma of vegetables. My mother must know that I came back from graduation today and prepared delicious food for me. She still likes me.

I used the key to open the door, and what I saw was the familiar small table with unstable corners and delicious meals that were steaming white, but when I turned my head, there was a scarlet lily flower wall sticker that I was not familiar with on the side, gorgeous bloomed in front of me.

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Chen Shuning's perspective