winter suicide plan

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Yes, I am Chen Shuning.

In college, I was a cheerful person who was loved by everyone, and flowers bloomed.

Also the one who wanted to plan to commit suicide in the fourth year.

I'm fed up with being drowsy and groggy in the winter, when my body freezes, sinks in the mire, or gets cocooned.

Mornings come as if drowning, breathless, uncontrollable sadness.

Converted from a normal person to a zombie, drowning in the ocean of sadness, not coming out to breathe.

No one can stop my urge to kill myself.

Jump to summer, and I'll go from a zombie to a wreck-it-all.Just like in the movie Wreck-It Ralph, at night, I don't need to sleep.I will not be able to sleep, I feel so energetic that I can go without eating, drinking or sleeping for a week, and I can go to the playground for two laps.Fake.

Can't sleep, just can't sleep.There is a fire burning in the pit of the heart, restlessness with only one thought, to break, to shatter, to destroy something.

Although I don't sleep, I don't doze off in class, and I feel more energetic than drinking coffee.

I do a lot of planning, I feel like I can do anything, I'm like a wizard with a crystal ball, everything is under my control, no matter how difficult the subject is, I have a sixth sense, my mind is sharp Jumping, I like this period of restlessness.

But I would become cranky and lose my mind at times, unable to turn the emotional gates, the anger would become me, and reason and I would be overwhelmed.I would punch and hurt others because of a word or expression, and I even needed to find excuses to cover up that my loss of control was caused by bipolar disorder.

I don't like myself like this.

But I can't control it.

Sounds very secondary.

My mind is out of control, I really can't help it.

My brain doesn't want to function, and I don't want to breathe.

I don't want to be controlled by drugs, but I am still controlled, and I can't change it.

But I didn’t expect that death would be controlled by the hospital, so I felt that the current “I” needed to be disposed of. The world would be much better without Chen Shuning, and the idea of ​​disposing of myself became more and more feasible.

I have an ability that I particularly like. I can pretend to be myself. Everyone thinks that I am enthusiastic and unrestrained. I can talk about everything, and I can help anyone with a smile every time. I am not afraid of being tired or suffering. , is a never-ending sun.My heart was filled with depression and emptiness, completely hidden from others.

It's really nice to make everyone happy.

Now it seems that the time is getting tighter, because I can hardly control any of my emotions. Since I got into an argument because of a simple group assignment a week ago, I hurt someone.Just because he refuted my point of view. At that time, I thought my point of view was the most correct, the Holy Spirit was inviolable, and no one could oppose me. It meant that those who opposed me would disappear.

I suddenly found that things were getting serious, and my self-satisfaction and violent state of mind had become hopeless.

We went to the school hospital, and I sat alone in the corridor, waiting for the injured classmate to finish applying the medicine.

My mood was like riding a roller coaster, falling from excitement to the bottom, feeling weak, and the urge to kill myself spread.

After I woke up, I kept apologizing to the injured classmates and compensated the medical expenses. Although the classmates forgave me, I couldn't forgive myself.

I felt the heat and humidity on my face, and I was about to cry again. The tears flowed down my face like a sluice, and I was out of breath.

Depression and mania have happened at the same time, and now planning needs to be done step by step.

But... the fourth winter came and I lost my manual.

It is not my suicide plan at all, it is filled with the whole process of one person's secret love for another person!I closed the book in agitation, I didn't want to read the content at all, and I didn't have the habit of prying into other people's privacy.

My careful plans are all in it, the time, place, conditions, and methods are all arranged in detail. I even wrote a wedge on the first page. How can I throw away such a carefully written booklet.

Winter has begun to show my feet. I actively put on long sleeves and wear as much as I can to cover up the scratches left on my arms uncontrollably when I can't restrain my low emotions in the silence of the night.

The plan needs to be completed rigorously. Without the manual, I have already started to panic in my heart. I am afraid that if I go to the wrong one, I will be found to be a suicide instead of an accidental death.

I pretended to be careless and looked for it from all the paths I had walked, including the playground, dining hall, classroom, library, and even the toilet.

I didn't find it. I looked calm and swaggered on the campus road, but besides watching, I was still thinking.Will I be picked up by others, will I be told to my teacher, will my parents be told, will I be taken to the hospital and forced to take medicine and injections.

My body trembled, and I pulled down the rolled up long sleeves a little, so that the knife marks on my arms could be hidden tightly.

I'm afraid of being found out.From elementary school to university, I have a human design, cheerful and enthusiastic, helpful, easy to talk, positive, and good personality.If the manual is found, the wound is found, my character design will fall, and they will remove me from the list of normal people. At least I have to make a good impression in this world. People say in their mouths that this is a suicide, and it will be a negative example to leave a bad reputation for thousands of years.So I'm going to create an accidental death in winter, which is actually a suicide plan.

I am a principled suicide.

I can't trouble others, I can't affect others, I can't let others take the blame because of me, etc.

The only purpose is to be silent when committing suicide.

But why was the brochure lost at this juncture?

I hope someone with good intentions will pick it up and return it to me, and will not reveal it. If necessary, I will give him a hush money, but I also hope that he will keep his word.

Where did I go yesterday, I scratched my hair and began to recall yesterday, my brain became a projector, but it was full of dark corners, and my memory would become very poor in winter, because I couldn’t distinguish between reality and dreams.

Yesterday, for the sake of friendly relationships and not being destroyed by myself, I rode a shared bicycle to catch up with my good friend Brother Zhou's birthday party.

I was perfecting my plan on the bed in the dormitory. Just as I closed it, Zhao Jun grabbed it and took away my notebook.

My heart tightened, and I quickly said: "My diary, if you dare to open it, I will kick you to death."

Zhao Jun saw the fierce light in my eyes, and remembered that I beat someone for an unprecedented week and was sent to the hospital.He probably knows that I do what I say, and it really doesn't make sense to peek at other people's privacy. Zhao Jun just took a notebook and fumbled it, but didn't open it, and found a way for himself: "Chen Shuning, you still keep a diary. It's not like writing a love letter to some girl.

"Impossible, making money is the most important thing, I don't need a girlfriend." I pretended to be joking and let him go down the steps.

"Okay, okay, don't write, brother Zhou's birthday party, you better pack up and go with me."

I don't like this kind of party. I don't know anyone, and I have to pretend to be enthusiastic. It consumes my strength and energy for a week to do other things.

Brother Zhou is usually very kind to me. In winter, he saw that I didn’t eat three meals a day for two days, forced me to stuff buns into my mouth, asked me if my stomach was not good, and insisted on dragging me to the hospital.

In order to refuse to be found out, I gave up my plan to starve myself to death.

But also so that the first suicide plan failed.

This plan was crossed out. The condition for the success of this plan is to stay outside alone for three days and not eat or drink for three days and three nights. Suicide is sure to succeed, but the probability of success is too small, and it is easy to be found to be suicide, so it cannot be perfect. Accidental Death.

So just when I was struggling, Zhao Jun dangled my booklet and said, "If you don't go, I won't return it to you."

In Zhao Jun's classroom, Brother Zhou is a very good friend. Xiao Xiao is arranged by Brother Zhou, so he must bring me here.He went to the whole class. Given his popularity, the whole class should be there. If I didn't go, I would have to be pestered by him to ask questions.

I agreed, my heart was so irritable that I didn't want to say a word, I thought about punching him, thinking about where to hit him so that I wouldn't be found to have hit him.

In the end, I followed my poor kidnapped brochure, went downstairs and got on the bicycle, and he threw it to me. I put it in the basket of the car, and there was a metal button on it, so it would not be blown away by the wind.

Zhao Jun rode his bicycle first, and he rode very fast, letting me keep walking along the road.I rode on the school road for a while, and the wind blew on my face to relieve a little bit of anger, but I still couldn't suppress the anger, which was blocked in my throat.

Why have I been mad at this shit for so long?

I was riding a bicycle with my head down, and a black-clothed bicycle on the opposite side rushed towards me like Voldemort flying, and I was not a game NPC who would dodge and dodge, and hit me directly on both ends.

There was a golden light in front of my eyes when I was hit, and I was pulled up by "Voldemort". I couldn't see him clearly, and my glasses were knocked off. He grabbed my arm and asked, "Chen Shuning, are you okay?"

Do you think I'm okay?Almost got my mind blown...

The two bicycles were stuck together, and there was a close contact. I quickly picked up the black leather book that fell beside me to see if the buttons had been undone.

etc!It almost caused accidental death just now!

etc!My principles cannot be violated.I quickly deleted the joy that popped out of my head, and replaced it with uncontrollable anger, and the thought of "he hit me" echoed in my mind.He didn't intend to let go, I yelled suddenly: "Get out!" and pushed him away vigorously.

Running away before I could completely explode out of control, I began to take deep breaths, trying to regain my sanity with fresh air.When I found that it didn’t work, I took it out with trembling hands and hid it in the zipper of my trousers. I scratched my arm twice with a small art knife. The pleasure of severe pain made me pull rationally. Most of the mania subsided all of a sudden, and my breathing was calm. Come down a little.

I felt a pleasant feeling in my chest, but I personally don't like the reaction of my body. I should be afraid, but I feel happy.

I sent a WeChat message to Brother Zhou, someone hit me and took me to treat the wound. I couldn’t go to the birthday party, so I will compensate him for his birthday gift tomorrow.

Brother Zhou expressed his condolences, but did not force him to come again.

I suddenly kind of thanked the guy who bumped into him.

When I thought of this, I immediately understood that I bumped into that "Voldemort", maybe the book looks the same, and I took the wrong one.

I began to think carefully about the appearance of "Voldemort", um, I couldn't think of it.There were only two street lights on, and the lights were black and blind, and I couldn't see my fingers. I walked too fast, didn't wear my glasses, and fell on the table. I couldn't see the person I hit.I pulled my hair angrily, bit my lip, biting the smell of bloody metal before I recovered.

I calmly picked up several medicines on the desk, they were bottles of different vitamins, and they were actually various medicines for bipolar disorder, and swallowed them all at once.These I usually eat behind the curtain of the bed and show the bottle to anyone who asks.

They would smile and say, "Chen Shuning, I didn't expect you to keep healthy like this."

I return them with a smile.

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The writing is very white

unprofessional

I feel bad at writing

that's it