that bastard i love

When I returned home at night, I found that Ji Chenxiao had already returned, curled up on the sofa in a brown sweater, a small blanket on his body, and some small pancakes on the stove, like a cat afraid of the cold, It looks very well-behaved, which is really heart-warming.

I put the leather bag on the shelf at the door, took off my leather shoes, sneaked to the back of the sofa, and stretched out my hand to protect Ji Chenxiao.

Not surprisingly, he raised his head and kissed the corner of my mouth lightly.

I walked around and sat next to him. He sighed, pointed to my shoulder and said, "Look at you, you don't even know if your shoulder is wet."

I looked down and saw that the shoulders were wet.

It should be when the door was just opened, the snow on the door quietly fell on my shoulders.

I took off my suit jacket and threw it on a chair beside me.

Ji Chenxiao lifted the quilt and let me lie down.

I lay on his lap, looked at the TV, and found that it was the scene of Ji Chenxiao's concert a few days ago.

I raised my head to look at the person next to me, then at the person on the TV, and joked with a smile: "Look, you're old too, and you're not as tender as before after putting on makeup."

He sighed, pinched my face with his warm hands, and said dissatisfied: "Of course I am old, I will be 30 soon."

I didn't speak, and looked at the chandelier above my head. After a long silence, I said, "Have you ever seen death?"

He was silent for a while, and said: "When I was young, my grandma passed away, and I watched her being sent to the morgue."

I asked him again: "Then can you accept the death of your loved one?"

He looked down at me with some sadness and pity in his eyes.

"I can accept it, because this is the process we all go through. Our whole life will witness death, and then go to die."

I moved my eyes away, not daring to meet his gaze.

Because I don't want him to see my vulnerability.

After a while, he asked cautiously, "have you been to the hospital today? How is father Wen's condition?"

I covered my eyes and sighed: "It's still the same, the doctor said it won't be long."

"Where's that dad?"

Hearing him ask this question, I knew he was not asking about my father's health, but about my future plans.

I thought for a while and replied, "He said they are going to go together."

Hearing such an answer, Ji Chenxiao didn't ask any more questions, but stayed silently with me.

Later, I suddenly remembered something, I sat up and held him in my arms.

I asked him: What would you do if one day I left?

He didn't even think about it, and replied with a smile: "I will live a good life, because I don't have the courage to walk with you, and I know that you want me to live a good life."

I nodded in satisfaction, and tears fell instantly.

I am usually not a person who likes to cry, because I am the pillar of this family and I want to support this family, so no matter how sad I am, I will not say it easily.

But this time is different.

The best person in my life is leaving.

All I can do is to maintain a serious attitude and expression when I am in the office, and not vent it until I get home.

This is the only thing I can do.

Fortunately, there is someone beside me who can be with me and bear this grief with me.

.........

On a snowy night, Papa Wen still left.

He still hasn't made it through the winter.

When I arrived, Papa Zhang was sitting on the edge of the bed, quietly holding Papa Wen's hand with his own.

I lifted the white cloth from his face and looked at his old face.

I still remember that it was this person who took me out of the cold orphanage. On the way, I asked him, and I said: Dad, where are we going?

He smiled and told me: Let's go home.

Then he took my hand and walked with me through spring, summer, autumn and winter.

He tied my first red scarf when I was in school, he gave me my first diary, and he taught me his knowledge of the world one by one.

I still remember that he taught me to ride a bicycle one spring. I sat on the bicycle and dared not move, but he held the bicycle beside me and ran with my bicycle.

I still remember that one summer, when the air conditioner at home happened to be broken, and I couldn’t sleep because of the heat, he would sit by my bed and fan me with a newspaper fan until I fell asleep.

I still remember that in a certain autumn, the maple leaves in the park fell to the ground. I got into it and rolled, and I was covered with dead leaves. He laughed at my stupid look, and helped me while laughing. Remove the leaves from your body.

And one winter, when I came home from school with red hands and feet from the cold, he glanced at me complainingly, saying why I didn’t wear a woolen cap and gloves, and then wrapped my cold little hands with his warm big hands.

I still remember the way he scolded me.

I still remember the way he laughed.

I still remember... the way he loved me.

Those memory fragments that I never thought about before are all rippling in my mind at this moment, and those small details are clearly appearing in my memory at this moment.

I stood on the edge of the bed, sucked my nose, and forced back my tears.

Because I know he doesn't want to see me cry.

When I was a kid, I got into fights with my classmates at school and came home crying.

At that time, I thought that Papa Wen would comfort me, but in the end, what I was waiting for was a swearing.

He told me, you are a boy, don't shed tears, don't let others see your fragility easily.

To this day, I still remember it.

He doesn't want to see my tears, nor my fragility.

At this moment, I still have some regrets.

He said before that he wanted to make dumplings for me again, spend another good year with me, and watch the recovery of everything in this world with us in spring.

It's a pity that he still didn't wait until the New Year, nor did he wait until spring.

I slowly moved my gaze to look at Dad Zhang next to me.

Papa Zhang seemed to be asleep, with his head down, and Papa Wen's hand still tightly held.

I held my breath and gave him a slight push.

His head tilted to one side.

left already.

I quietly looked at his old face.

You said that this person would put on a serious expression even after he left, just like before, he stood in front of me and accused me of being weak.

I'm not surprised he's gone.

Because he said he would go with Father Wen, he has always been a man of his word.

It was exactly as I expected.

But, but I'm just sad...

The two relatives who loved me the most by my side both left me on this snowy night.

In fact, I should be content.

They have been with me for many, many years.

All these should not belong to me, but fate favored me and let me meet them.

I can't ask them to accompany me down the road anymore, because they've done enough to me, and I shouldn't ask for more.

I should be content.

I comfort myself like this.

In the morning, Aunt Zhang Nannan came and accompanied us to deal with the funeral of the two fathers.

He was cremated and buried a year later.

We didn't invite many people to the funeral, just two friends of my father's life and relatives of Zhang's father.

I was wearing a black suit and holding a black umbrella. I could feel the snowflakes falling on the umbrella. With a straight face, I dealt with their wills one by one.

I listened to the "sorrow and change" over and over again in my ears, and my heart was cold, as if I was also frozen by the snowflakes in the sky.

Ji Chenxiao standing next to me blushed from crying, I could hear his soft sobs all the time.

In fact, he is the one who can't accept the difference.

After seeing off the others, I took him, and the two of them walked home slowly, holding an umbrella.

When he opened the door, he yelled inside: "Dad, we're back."

But there was no familiar figure inside.

Only then did he realize that the two fathers had already left, so he lowered his head again and cried.

This time he didn't suppress his crying anymore, but cried out wantonly.

I stood beside him, trying to raise my head to keep my tears from falling.

This family seems to be full of them, telling me all the time, reminding me that they have left.

I carried Ji Chenxiao to the bed in the room, put my arms around him, and the two of them cried together under the quilt.

The snow outside the window was still falling to the ground non-stop.

...............

After a while, Ji Chenxiao fell asleep.

I gently laid him flat on the bed and tiptoed out of the bedroom.

I opened the door of the study, the study was dark, and the floor was covered with a thin layer of dust.

This used to be where Papa Zhang worked, but it has never been opened since he moved to the hospital to take care of Papa Wen.

I sighed, opened the bookcase next to me, and started packing up his belongings.

I thought my old-fashioned father's bookcase was filled with intellectual books, but I was wrong.

It was full of pictures of Papa Wen.

I gently opened the album, there are many photos in it, taken at different times and places, the only thing is that the characters in the photos are all Papa Wen.

There are frontal shots, and more are candid shots.

Turning to the back, I found that the shooting locations were all in Tibet.

Snow-capped mountains, sunny meadows, and mythical buildings.

The last photo is a group photo of the two, and if I think right, the location of the photo is the Potala Palace.

I haven't been there, but I know it.

Because Papa Wen mentioned it to me many times, and what he said the most was that he wanted to go to Tibet with Papa Zhang again, and go to the Potala Palace again.

I sniffed and put the album away.

I sat on a chair in the study and began to recall the father Zhang in my memory.

In fact, I always thought that Dad Zhang was a serious old man, always teaching me. Most of the time, he had a straight face, with the word integrity written all over his body.

But in the photo, I saw a lot of his smiles.

Only then did I realize that he wasn't smiling.

But his smile, all given to his favorite Wen Gulin.

I have not witnessed the process of their love, I can only witness their love through these memories of them.

I think they must have loved each other very much before.

They must have loved each other deeply, even though they never said it out of their mouths, they only had each other in their hearts.

This is the only feeling I have as a witness.